men and women - how do you feel, sexually, about your exes?

[tremolo]

I'm currently dating someone and he speaks quite nostalgically about his exes - one of them, I know, was quite the sex bomb - and this seems to confirm this idea I have that men always think fondly of the women they've slept with. It seems to me, from what I've gathered in talking to men and reading their responses to things online, that most men are generally quite possessive of their exes, and probably do not regret any sexual experiences they've had. It seems quite the opposite, in fact - that they really relish these memories and would not erase their experiences no matter how much they may love their current partner.

I, on the other hand, feel somewhat nauseated when I think of my exes and having slept with them. Some more so than others, but, especially now that I'm with this new guy, if I could change the past so that my exes had not slept with me, I would. I guess my point, in a nutshell, is that I do not take any pleasure whatsoever in the thought of my previous sex lives.

Is this one of the inevitable differences between males and females, or am I weird as a woman for feeling the way I do? Am I wrong in my assumptions about men?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

[Wakeup]

Is this one of the inevitable differences between males and females,

Not IMO.. It's more an individual thing. Not all men think like him and not all women think like you. So I'm thinking that you shouldn't stereo type men but rather keep your eye open with this one particular guy. Why is he telling you about his past sexual exploits? Is he a player? Is he not over his ex(s)? You specifically asked about them?

"Nausea?" Nope.. I believe in: Regret nothing, (particularily good sex sessions ;o) learn the lesson, strive to be in a stage of indifference rather than nausea or hate, to your exes afterall, it's not hate (nor the feeling of going to be sick to your stomach) that is the opposite of Love but rather it's indifference.

[tremolo]

He's definitely not a player. He is monogamous and marriage-minded. He believes he wants to marry me, actually. We are very open with each other, and while I don't think either of us have ever shared anything too intimate involving our exes, I have learned enough to know that a particular ex made quite an impression on him sexually, and that he speaks rather fondly of another, although he claims he has no interest in either of them anymore. I guess I am wondering whether that is really the case, and whether there will always be a part of him that reminisces about these women and is grateful for the experiences he had with them. It's something I don't understand because when I fall out of love with someone, I feel vaguely grossed out thinking that I was ever intimate with them. My boyfriend, on the other hand, has made it clear that he doesn't regret any of his experiences, including the ones that were totally meaningless.

[tremolo]

It is typically my boyfriend who asks me questions about my previous relationships, and all that I have learned about his previous girlfriends has come out of questions he first asked me.

[Wakeup]

I added to my post while you were re-posting but I think I covered what you've said about not being a man vs woman difference. I regret nothing, what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. I think when you make what you believe to be good choices for yourself (at the time) then you tend to not regret even if they don't turn out the way you thought they might. Nothing is guaranteed afterall.

As an aside: You can't have been going out with him very long and he's telling you he wants to marry you? That's scary shit that. I'm wary of people who don't even know me but want to be in my life forever already.

Take care.

[tremolo]

Well, on the contrary Wakeup, we've been inseparable night and day for 3 months, and I know him better than I've known any of my previous boyfriends. If there was ever a person who seemed totally right for me, it's him, and while I would never rush into a marriage - or even an engagement - I don't think it's so crazy that the topic of marriage has come up.

When I'm not nauseated by my exes, I am totally indifferent - sexually, romantically - and the fact that he apparently does not feel similarly is making me rethink our relationship.

[Wakeup]

Three months is nothing. Have fun but don't fall in love with this man before he shows you who he is. Falling fast and getting burned by men that you've hardly known and have fallen deep for has happened to you before.

Just be discerning is all I'm saying. I sound negative but I told you to take it easy with the last guy you posted about that you were totally smitten with and he turned out to be married.

If it takes him thinking differently than you about exex to make you step back and take stock then so be it. Just step back and take stock. It's a very, very new relationship and this is just one small thing that you've learned about him that you don't like. Hence why thinking that you "know him better than I've known any of my previous boyfriends" is rather irrelavent.

I'm sorry if I've pissed you off but I know since I've joined that you've had a lot of disappointments in men and I'm just trying to get you to slow down your emotional involvment until you figure out if you LIKE him never mind love him at this point.

[HeartIsAching]

I'm currently dating someone and he speaks quite nostalgically about his exes - one of them, I know, was quite the sex bomb - and this seems to confirm this idea I have that men always think fondly of the women they've slept with. It seems to me, from what I've gathered in talking to men and reading their responses to things online, that most men are generally quite possessive of their exes, and probably do not regret any sexual experiences they've had. It seems quite the opposite, in fact - that they really relish these memories and would not erase their experiences no matter how much they may love their current partner.

I, on the other hand, feel somewhat nauseated when I think of my exes and having slept with them. Some more so than others, but, especially now that I'm with this new guy, if I could change the past so that my exes had not slept with me, I would. I guess my point, in a nutshell, is that I do not take any pleasure whatsoever in the thought of my previous sex lives.

Is this one of the inevitable differences between males and females, or am I weird as a woman for feeling the way I do? Am I wrong in my assumptions about men?

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

Oh. Hell. No.

My last ex, you couldn't get me to have sex with her at gunpoint. I can't think of an ex I'd truly want to have sex with.

[tremolo]

I appreciate your advice Wakeup, I really do. You always give great advice.

I guess at the moment I'm just trying to figure out whether men are always vaguely attached to their exes, and this is something I'll have to deal with no matter who I date, or whether this is something that should concern me. Either way, I don't like it, but he's so great in so many ways where men tend to be problematic for me that I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is right now.

And thank you, HiA, for your response.

[Wakeup]

Oh. Hell. No.

My last ex, you couldn't get me to have sex with her at gunpoint. I can't think of an ex I'd truly want to have sex with.

Did I read wrong? I don't think it was mentioned that anyone would want to have sex with their ex while in a current relationships... it was about thinking fondly or not about exes and regretting past sexual experiences or not. Wasn't it?

[Wakeup]

I appreciate your advice Wakeup, I really do. You always give great advice.

I guess at the moment I'm just trying to figure out whether men are always vaguely attached to their exes, and this is something I'll have to deal with no matter who I date, or whether this is something that should concern me. Either way, I don't like it, but he's so great in so many ways where men tend to be problematic for me that I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is right now.

Well, I personally think it's bad form to talk about past sexual partners whether in a positive or a negative light (that's why i asked if you specifically asked about her) so if anything, He's uncouth in my eyes. But, if you asked, then he's honest and I can't blame him for coming clean. Are you sure he was seeming 'vaguely attached" or that his willingness to describe her just has you taken aback or slightly jealous or something. I think most all of us would be slightly jealous of hearing how much great a sexual romp was without us being present.

[tremolo]

Well, I suppose I'm interested in answers to both questions. I'm concerned that my boyfriend's fondness for these past relationships means that he's still sexually interested in those women.

[tremolo]

I am probably just being jealous. The woman who was apparently so great in bed he told me about before we got together, so now that I know how she is, I'm quite irritated about the whole thing, and it makes me doubt that I can compare to this person.

[Wakeup]

Ahhhh.. don't compare yourself or let her intimidate you. if you do that you'll not be in the moment and you'll not enjoy yourself the way you normally would or be as confident as you normally would be either. If you're enjoying yourself, you're in the moment and giving then he'll certainly not be comparing or even thinking to do so. One doesn't have to puke just thinking about an ex to be totally over them. ;o)

[bcgirl]

I"ve been with guys sexually whom I get grossed out thinking about (lol)....that being said.... I don't have regrets because you learn from experiences, you gain experiences and life is too short to dwell on past misfortunes and regrets. I've been with my ex for a while and I don't have any regrets nor do I get grossed out thinking about him and our sexual history. Also, sex is different with everyone....with some you have more sexual chemistry than others.