How to make a guy stop Pursuing you?

[GaelBaila]

There is this guy who goes to my school. I do not talk to him or to anyone associated with him, because he is in a gang (I do not live in a nice area). But he always comes up to me and tries to talk to me. Not talk like a normal person would, but he's always asking me sexual questions or making obscene sexual comments at me.
At first this was all he did, so I dealt with it and ignored it. But now, weeks since it started, it's become physical and I'm becoming extremely uncomfortable with the situation...he's always making nasty sex signs at me with his hands and touching me. I do not like it at all. Every time he touches me my stomach turns. And I don't mean just touching my arm or leg, either.
I have told him to stop physically touching me, but he just mocks me. In fact, it seems like his behavior gets worse every time I ask him to stop, no matter how nicely I do it. The final straw was when he and his brother followed me home yesterday. I had to make a detour to my friend's house so they wouldn't see where I lived.

I would talk to a teacher or parent about this, but it's not that straightforward...he's in a gang. He has the 'symbol' of a local gang tattooed on the back of his neck and some illegible words tattooed across his fingers. I'd rather not risk him or his brother or anyone else retaliating against me or escalating this, so I suppose I just have to make him not like me anymore or make him really think I don't want him...he apparently doesn't get the message. How do I make him stop without getting my a** kicked?

[steviej]

Get a boyfriend in a bigger gang?

This is something you have to put a stop to before it goes further. Is there a teacher at school you'd trust to have a quiet word with who could advise you further without making the situation worse?

[GaelBaila]

I get what you're saying, but I don't think teachers have much power in the situation...they get suspended and put in detentions all the time and just come back. Even if a teacher knew about it, it wouldn't really help. I bet they would figure out it was me who told if I did that. That's why I'd rather just deal with him directly as possible.

[Beckyboo]

The guy is touching u in appropriate places, knowing that a) u dont like it and b) that its making u uncomfortable. Its assault in my book. He is (i assume) of an age where he is capable of understanding the word no, yet continues to ignore it. He is using his gang "status"as an excuse to intimidate u, and he can see that its working. He is of some bullshit attitude that he can do what he wants when he wants too, without having any consequences. I understand that u are scared of the repercussions of actually telling anyone, but where will this end? He isnt stopping what he is doing. Is he doing this when there are people around? If he is, consider what may happen if he gets u alone at some point.

U need to call the police. And ur probably going to say that u cant, but u have to. This guy is sexually assaulting u. Its only going to get worse x

[bulrush]

Guys like this, in a gang, are mostly real stupid and real immature. That's why they join a gang in the first place (mostly, some are forced into it). So I would bet money this guy won't stop until the police get involved. In the state of Michigan unwanted touching is Battery. If it's a sexual nature, it's Sexual Assault. It can also fall under the stalking laws.

You need a lawyer to get involved if you ask him to stop and he doesn't.

[steviej]

How old are you (and him)?

[GaelBaila]

Yeah I get what you guys are saying about the police. Only problem is that would be worse than going to a teacher...snitches get stitches. I've seen a fair share of fights and beatings over much less. I'm not the most street-savvy person (I mostly just stay out of peoples' way), but I know pressing charges like that is a no-no.
I mean they're not just a group of kids acting out in school...there are a lot of older members and they do have guns. My school was actually on the news about a year ago because one of them brought a gun to school intending to pop someone. That's why I'm afraid of turning this into anything bigger than it is, it's not worth getting shot over.
If I can't make him not like me anymore or divert his interest elsewhere, I'll probably just have to suck it up. But I figured there's got to be something that'll turn him off...I tried belching in front of him, not wearing makeup, everything...to no avail.

&@steviej, he's in my class so I'm guessing he's 17-18. I'm 17 right now.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell him you have AIDS or Herpes.

[GaelBaila]

Hey, that actually might work . I don't know why I didn't think of that...I'll say I have Gonorrhea or Syphilis or something curable, though, so he can be grossed out and bug someone else yet I still have a chance of not being socially outcasted the entire year if this word spread. Cool.

[sadie_genie]

Just say your parents don't let you date.

[IndiReloaded]

There is something in your behaviour or demeanor that screams 'victim'. Please understand I am not saying this is your fault at all. He sounds like a lowlife pig.

He is targetting you for the control feelings it gives him. So, the only way to get rid of him is to take back your power. However, given his gang connections you need to be smart in how you go about this.

First, examine your dress and posture. Do you dress in clothes that attracts attention? I'm not saying to become a slob, but you should not go out of your way to make yourself attractive (heavy makeup, tight clothes, etc). Make sure you stand tall and act confident. Not arrogant or bitchy, mind, but project your boundaries for what is acceptable. The next time he comes close and starts to cross a boundary, simply speak to him directly and firmly. Avoid bitchy tones, or he will just ignore you. The key is firm and mature. Be clever in your message; it needs to strike a chord in him without activating his defensive ego. Try something like this:

"Hey [his name]. (Pause, so you have his eye contact) I need to let you know something. (pause again) I'm finding your attention toward me very disrespectful. (NO pause, make sure he can't interrupt you) Men who truly like a woman do not touch them without permission. I can only assume you don't really like me, or you wouldn't act like this. I'm not sure why you dislike me, but I'd like you to stop this behaviour."

It would take a while to explain the psych in this statement, but the net effect is that it will confuse him and cause him to try to sort out the self-consistency problem you have given him.

There are a couple of responses I predict, depending on how confident you are: he will apologize and protest he does indeed like you. This is the best response b/c you can now manipulate the situation to 'wean' him off you. Post again if this is what happens.

The other response is he will become angry you are challenging him. If this is the case, then you need to get help immediately (police) b/c he is unstable. Things would have devolved to this eventually anyway and in some ways, you can sort it out faster the earlier you nip this in the bud. If this happens, just stay cool, say something like "I'm sorry we disagree on this." and leave. Get help asap.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.

[IndiReloaded]

Hey, that actually might work . I don't know why I didn't think of that...I'll say I have Gonorrhea or Syphilis or something curable, though, so he can be grossed out and bug someone else yet I still have a chance of not being socially outcasted the entire year if this word spread. Cool.

This is not the message you want to send. It will make you seem sexually promiscuous. Is that a good message to be sending a guy like this? Its doubtful he will believe you and it will only make you seem that much more desperate. Which gives him power over you.