Realization im not ok!

[hotdawg78]

My ex girlfriend broke thing off about 4 month ago. It took a month to really hit me then after about two month i thought i was ok most the time. Maybe a few down days here and there. I have been thinking im great recently but christmas has made me see im not ok at all. We were planning on living together by now and i should have been waking up next to her xmas day to share a lovely day together. Instead i woke up alone in an empty scruffy flat i share with friends who are staying with their girlfriends/parents. Thankfully i managed to sleep most of the day so didnt have to think about her too much but she was in my every thought whilst awake, and even dreampt about her last night and which guy she may be spending the day with which i havent done in a while.

Another thing ive noticed im doing which has made me worried and realize im not as good about things as i think i am. Ive started drinking... A lot. When im drunk its the only time i really forget about her, and its great! But im blowing so much money and starting to look terrible! I think the build upto christmas was hard so i drank to not think about it. Now its over hopefully i can start really looking towards the future and now ive realized i think i am developing a drinking problem i can begin to sort myself out fully. And not just think im ok when im actually still a complete mess!

Not sure of the porpoise or this message. Just wanted to get things off my chest. And i want to contact her so much just to say happy christmas and im still thinking of you but i know i cant. Whats the point? She hasnt said it to me

[smackie9]

You really need to quit drinking because that is the true cause of all what you are feeling. Alcohol is a depressant.You are denying yourself any kind of happiness with drinking, and you are lucky that you are actually seeing the affects of it. Take up more healthier things like jogging or going to the gym, and listen to fun energetic music. It's time to step forward.

[bcgirl]

the holidays are a weird time of year. Ofcourse you are going to have feelings of lonliness, especially when all the xmas movies and shows you watch relate christmas to being with "loved ones". You are taught that you wake up on xmas and have egg nog with your significant other and then open presents you got for each other and then kiss and be merry..blah! Xmas is really over rated. It's no coincidence that xmas has the highest rate of suicide than any other day of the year. Once the holidays pass, you will be back to normal. Just a lil bump in the road. Bahumbug.

[hotdawg78]

Thanks for the replies people. Hopefully next Christmas will be a happier one. If anything, at least I've gained from this christmas that Im starting to drink too much, smoke too much and not work enough. I now haven't had a cigarette or drop alcohol since Xmas eve even though when I popped to my mothers for a few hours Xmas day they were trying to get me to drink and friends were trying to get me out last night. Instead I went to bed at 11 o clock and had an early night.

This Christmas has taught me that I'll probably never hear from my ex again let alone see her (a few days before Xmas she removed all pictures of me from her fb. She could have been more tactful with timing!) and that I need to sort my well being out. And I'm determained to do this! I'll never move on or meet anyone new worthwhile if I'm a chain-smoking, depressed, puffy faced alcoholic with no money! And that's probably the best thing that I could get out of Christmas this year!

[MaidenMinx]

Dude, that's an awesome Christmas present! You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Here's to a healthier new year!

I agree with Smackie about the exercise. Aim for being active for atleast half an hour a day. If gyms aren't your thing, get walking or buy a bike and ride it. I'm taking up boxing after new years. I'm thoroughly looking forward to it too!

[hotdawg78]

Well used to love cycling. I was very health conscious so I know I can do it. I think how bad I've started to look the last few months is as depressing as how I felt about not being with my ex Christmas. It's amazing how quickly it can affect your appearance and if I run into my ex I'd hate her to see me like this. I want her to look at me and be filled with regret and to be honest I want to look good to feel good about myself and confident around new people I might meet.

I feel a little better already now I've slept well a few days and Christmas is over! Looking forward to sticking with it and feeling better!

[smackie9]

Stick around ....you have a support group here anytime

[hotdawg78]

well ive still no desire to drink or smoke, but why is it ive gone from feeling ok, still thinking about her a lot but it not bothering me too much, to being truly heartbroken again? I cant stop thinking of her, shes the last thing i think of when i fall asleep and the first thing i think of when i wake. I cant stop looking at her fb profile even though were no longer friends on there (she has her status updates as public) and it seems shes having a better time without me than she was when we were together. She looks better than ever and she was beautiful to start with and im looking an utter mess.
Sad songs depress me again and ive lost interest in other girls again even though i was really beginning to take notice again. I hate this! Its easy for her. I practically lived at hers so not only have i lost the girl i loved, ive lost the house i lived in, the cat we had, the dog we had just got before we split, i keep thinking of all the places we went to in the little town she lived in. All shes lost is me and seems fine about it.
Im really tempted to get in touch with her to tell her how im feeling but i dont want to seem pathetic or desperate. And would i want someone who doesnt feel the same as me. If she getting on with her life and isnt giving me a second thought, i know i should move on. Shes no longer mine. But im missing her so much!