how to tell if someone is cheating

[johnnycashshurt]

My husband and I have been together for nearly 10 years. We have one child and are in our early 30's. Every now and then I get this horrible idea that he is cheating. I know I am insecure and paranoid at times so have always put it down to that. Recently I had a good friend find out that her ex had cheated on her the whole time she was with him. Her first words when she found out were "I knew it", she'd often had a feeling. My husband has started a new evening job about a month a go and when he first started he was always home by 9.30, now it's more like 11 yet when I ask him if work has been busy he says "not really".

I don't know what to do.

[IndiReloaded]

Ask. Directly. In a place where discussion can happen (i.e. not at the dinner table with your kids).

But only if you are prepared to do something if you get an answer you don't like.

[johnnycashshurt]

I would ask if I thought it would get me anywhere. He has lied to me in the past about "little things" and if he is cheating I don't think he would tell me. My good friend was told by the other woman. I've been thinking about going to his work at the time I expect him to finish (he works in the restaurant area of a bar) and seeing if he is still working. At the moment I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else, but I think he has someone in his sights. Would it be weird to go and see what kind of bar staff this place has?

[johnnycashshurt]

PS I also found out yesterday that his father was a chronic cheat. Could this be clouding my judgement?

[MaidenMinx]

For sure that could be clouding your judgement. How did you find that out? Did he tell you?

I agree with Indi. Maybe read up on signs of lying before you ask. I don't think going to his work is a good idea, because if you are wrong you may end up looking like an idiot.

Just ask. Communication is the key.

[johnnycashshurt]

No he didn't tell me. I don't think he knows. His half-sister told me. It's a very long story that can be summed up as- my husbands mum was the other woman for 10 years before my husbands dad divorced his first wife. There were other women in that time too.

I really don't see how asking will get me anywhere. Do any guys fess up when asked?

[Wakeup]

I would ask if I thought it would get me anywhere. He has lied to me in the past about "little things" and if he is cheating I don't think he would tell me. My good friend was told by the other woman. I've been thinking about going to his work at the time I expect him to finish (he works in the restaurant area of a bar) and seeing if he is still working. At the moment I don't think he is sleeping with anyone else, but I think he has someone in his sights. Would it be weird to go and see what kind of bar staff this place has?

Don't drive yourself bat shit crazy by becoming a stalker and making up stuff in your head. If he works in a restaurant and his shift ends at 9:30 then ask him what kept him until 11:30. You should be able to tell by how he answers if he made something up or it's the truth. Start your "investigation" there.

If there are no other reasons for you to suspect him then it's more than likely you're just being a paranoid git. What other suspicious activity makes you think that he could be stepping out on you? Got ANYTHING else at all?

[bcgirl]

Would it be weird to go and see what kind of bar staff this place has?

No it wouldn't be weird. You are his wife and should be able to come visit him after work or during work if you please. Maybe if you go see him at his place of work, you'll realize that there was nothing to worry about and that in fact his work does get busy at around 10ish. However, I always say to trust your intuition. Your body is trying to tell you something. Don't brush it off, but also don't jump into conclusions because your friend had an experience with a cheater. Assume the person is innocent until proven guilty, but don't be totally naive to the facts/feelings either.

Also, do not assume that a cheater will tell you the truth. If you flat out ask a cheater if he/she is cheating on you.....99% of the time he/she will totally deny it.

PS I also found out yesterday that his father was a chronic cheat. Could this be clouding my judgement?

this can also be putting some paranoia into the situation. Although i gotta ask....does your husband have a good relationship with his father? Does he look up to his father or admire him? Cheating is not genetic but it can be environmental. If a child witnesses such acts in their household, when they become adults they can be more prone to cheat.

[Wakeup]

No it wouldn't be weird. You are his wife and should be able to come visit him after work or during work if you please.

Don't take a ride on that train, OP. That depends on his place of work, what he does and whether or not it would be frowned upon if he was taking time off his duties to chat with people (even if it was his wife). To go there and just spy is indeed, weird.

If you've never visited him at work before, why would you think that doing it now would be perfectly unweird? What other things (if any) has he shown you that might be a red flag action? Just because your friends partner has cheated it doesn't mean yours is and if you let this drive a wedge between the two of you, you will suffer an emotional disconnect that will be hard to re-connect and you don't even have any concrete reasons leading to his having cheated or is cheating. (your insecurity in general is not proof)

My suggestion Don't let paranoia from this thread get you all riled up. Ask him about why he is late recently and then gauge what to do next by his response. If you know him, then you'll certainly be able to tell if he hedges in anyway.

[bcgirl]

I think it's weird if your husband goes to work for 8 hours a day everyday and you have no clue who his co-workers are nor what he actually does for the majority of his days. Yes, it would be impolite if you show up at work all of a sudden and start questioning him in front of his co-workers. But no, there is nothing wrong with showing up and perhaps surprising him after his shift is over or surprising him with a lunch when he is on his lunch break. I'm sure his co-workers would want to finally put a face to the wife that he's always been talking about. And it's not rude to come to a workplace if you are going to be really quick and not linger or make it a habit to constantly drag your hubby away from work. Just remember, work is the number one place infidelity starts. Facebook and online social networks is the second.

[Wakeup]

I think it's weird if your husband goes to work for 8 hours a day everyday and you have no clue who his co-workers are nor what he actually does for the majority of his days.

I'm not sure where you got that as op says that he started the job a month ago but doesn't elaborate on anything furhter.

Yes, it would be impolite if you show up at work all of a sudden and start questioning him in front of his co-workers. But no, there is nothing wrong with showing up and perhaps surprising him after his shift is over or surprising him with a lunch when he is on his lunch break.

Depends on your husband and what he does for a living, I suppose.

I'm sure his co-workers would want to finally put a face to the wife that he's always been talking about.

Why are you so sure and how do you know he's always talking about her?

And it's not rude to come to a workplace if you are going to be really quick and not linger or make it a habit to constantly drag your hubby away from work.

That is subjective. Perhaps his employer would think it to be rude and he might think it intrusive. We don't know what is and isn't rude or inappropriate at this point.

Just remember, work is the number one place infidelity starts. Facebook and online social networks is the second.

OP: I repeat don't catch a ride on that train until you find out why he is coming in late and then only jump on it if he is showing you in other mysterious or suspicious actions that something is rotten in Denmark.

bcgirl and I don't see things the same way on this one but I can't see any indication with what you've shared that he's up to no good. If you want to talk about why he's coming in a little later than be direct and don't hint around with statements like "Have you been busy at work." Come right out and ask him why he's late. Then shut up and let him answer while you observe his body language and eye contact etc.

[johnnycashshurt]

BCgirl, I know his co-workers at his day job. This night work is reasonably new.

Wake up, I thought about it and I don't have any other shred of proof. Just my paranoia. Thank you for being the wake up call I needed. I did ask him what kept him so late last night and he ended up having a couple of drinks before coming home. I did then ask if any of the bar staff are good looking and he pulled such a face I'm sure they aren't. He then suggested I come up for dinner one night. The paranoia in me suggests that he would do this regardless of whether he was cheating or not, some husbands have the audacity to introduce their mistresses to their wives.

So how do I shut the paranoia up? I know I am insecure (my therapist told me) and I have serious daddy issues (my dad is a cheating prick who doesn't look after any of his children, a seed spreader) but I don't seem to be able to get over it. I worry that if I can't get over my paranoia I'll drive him away and possibly bring my worst fears true. According to Dr Phil, this is a real possibility.

[Wakeup]

EEEE-gads. Stop listening to Dr. Phil. He's for entertainment purposes, just like this forum is. :o) Your guy sounds like a good guy and he's invited you to stop by so now you can do that whenever you'd like and not be intruding or causing him trouble with his employer. You can even do it with goodwill and fun instead of with steathy, ulteriour motives in mind. I totally doubt that he'd bring you in to have dinner if he was schtuuping someone there. Although I'm sure there are some men that would introduce their mistress to their spouse, I'm kinda thinking that if your hubby was the type to be that brazen you'd have a whole lot of red flags that would be popping up that would verify your angst. He's not giving you any red flags so you have to trust him and his love for you and you keep doing that until and if the red flag actions are there to back up your gut feelings. There is a huge difference between a gut feeling aroused with suspicious actions and no actions but being angsty due to insecurity and lack of trust. Don't blame your guy for the sins of your father. If you need the help of a professional to get to that point then why not look into therapy to help you over-come your fathers sociopathy and the effect it had on you?

[MaidenMinx]

Try your best to relax. Hospitality is a bitchy industry without set hours. Some nights are late, some aren't.
Do go and have dinner there. When my husband gets a new job I go for dinner there as soon as is appropriate. I love seeing where he works. Being invited to go there for dinner is completely different to going off snooping.
Is your husband new to the hospitality industry?

[johnnycashshurt]

Wake up, I recently did start therapy. Hopefully I'll be able to get over my absent father and learn how to trust men properly.

Maiden, He used to work hospitality for the first few years of our relationship but went into office work when we had our daughter nearly 5 years ago. I've had to stop working due to health issues which is why he has taken up a second job.