His family hates me which is why we can't be together

[littletimmy23]

Hi guys, I would love to hear any/all responses to this issue but please be kind.

I am a 25 year old girl who has fallen in love with an 18 year old boy. He is not like other 18 year olds- he is mature, sensitive and smart, and after only 6 months we knew it was true love and wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. I feel ridiculous even typing that as most people will think this is crazy, but it has been said "the heart wants what the heart wants", and we were very happy together.

There were some small trust issues between us- he had chatted to an ex while we were together, saying sexually explicit things to her, and I had looked on his facebook and found it months after it had occurred. I confronted him about it & told him we couldn't be together if he was going to cheat on me.

He couldn't take this- went crazy and drove all hours of the night to see me multiple times, got caught speeding, turned up at my house completely distraught. I forgave him when I saw how much he wanted to fight for me but his parents and entire family had seen this response and took it as an opportunity to put a stop to our relationship.

They said he has not been acting himself since we've been together (I believe this would have happened with any girlfriend as its his first year at college and away from home; N.B. no other older siblings have ever left home), and that our relationship is inappropriate and they will never support us.

I have met them twice, stayed at their house and we have gotten along well- I have never been anything but nice, respectful and warm towards them. But now his brother screams at my ex down the phone if we're talking and the whole family have actually held an intervention against us being together- took away his phone and computer at one point (christmas eve), and now on new years eve have actually forced him to go away with them so he won't come to see me.

We both still deeply love one another, but he is still dependent on them for financial support and doesn't want to go against their wishes as they have told him he is tearing apart their family and causing all of them nothing but hurt, worry, and stress. Let me just say at this point that I'm kind of awesome! I think I have a lot going for me and it's not like their son has fallen onto the wrong side of the tracks with me!

We are truly in love and have been forced to split when all either of us wants is to see one another again, but they are actively stopping him from allowing any kind of reconciliation to occur. I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't do something about this now.

I want to go to his house when they come back from holidays and ask to speak with the parents and the family to try to talk some sense into them. I can do that, or I can wait until he comes back to college next year (we are in the same medical school) and see him then. Neither of us can stand to be apart and even the idea that we'll never get to be together again is pure agony- I feel like we're Romeo and Juliet for heck's sake!

Thanks for reading and please leave ANY comment or suggestion on what I should do next- forgetting him is not an option. Lots of love, littletimmy!

[smackie9]

Oh I'm gonna smack you with a reality check here. Sure he seems mature enough, blah blah blah, BUT he is still a kid. You are 7 years ahead of him in development. His parents don't approve because they know this is a mistake. You are robbing him of his youth and the experience to grow into adulthood, the best years of his life.....you are selfishly trying to push him ahead to get to your level. You have total control over him, what he says, what he does.....he is not mature enough to handle it....remember what happened after you gave him shit for talking to and ex and he lost control....he could have gotten into a car accident and killed himself. And here you are thinking it was a grand jester of his love for you, but it's not. That is a scared boy who doesn't know how to handle his emotions yet. You have that much CONTROL over him, you are a control freak. You have no respect for him or his parents. It would be a douche move to go there and "convince" them that you should be able to have him. You would just be proving to them you are one crazy bit ch. If you had any maturity to you, you would step away and wait till he is of legal age to make his own decisions.

I will tell you this about dating someone in that age group. They will be obsessed with you for 6 months to a year, but they have a short tension span. He will be having interests in other girls, and you will be left in the dust. Sure a future with each other seems like the real deal, but it's just talk....those feelings do wear off. Everyone does it when they are at the honeymoon stage of a relationship....talk of babies and marriage...it's just silliness to think it's gonna happen.

You need to take a step back, put your feelings and selfish needs aside and take a real good look at what it really is that is going on here, and not what you are going to lose. Time to stop being a spoiled little girl, and act like the 25 year old adult you should be.

[Wakeup]

We are truly in love and have been forced to split when all either of us wants is to see one another again, but they are actively stopping him from allowing any kind of reconciliation to occur. I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don't do something about this now.

You haven't been "forced" to split, he's chosen to split. He had to choose between being looked after and financially supported by his family and you. He chose the former and has forsaken the latter (you).

If he was all grown up and truly wanting to marry you, then he'd get a job and he'd put himself through school and he'd tell his parents that, this is the life he's chosen and that he hopes one day that they'll come to love you and much as he loves you. But, he didn't do that.

I suggest you leave him alone to grow up and become a man without the interference of an older woman that may be "awesome" but not awesome enough for him to take on life responsibilities on his own without the help of mommy and daddy.

Don't screw up this boys head by emotionally abusing him into being with you. Leave him alone to choose on his own what is most important to him.

[SplendidGray]

I endorse everything Wakeup said. ^ I'm sure he likes you, but he has chosen them. It sucks, and it's painful, and it's going to take some time to accept it. But he has made his choice, and trying to manipulate him into changing his choice IS a form of abuse, and it will only end it making things a lot worse.

[bulrush]

he is mature, sensitive and smart, and after only 6 months we knew it was true love

Six months is actually a reasonable time to determine if you are a good fit for each other.

he had chatted to an ex while we were together,

Big red flag. He doesn't see how this is disrespectful to you.

He couldn't take this- went crazy and drove all hours of the night to see me multiple times, got caught speeding, turned up at my house completely distraught. I forgave him when I saw how much he wanted to fight for me

Yes, he overreacted, another Big Red Flag. You think he wants to fight for you, I think he is desperate, probably because he has cheating tendencies and tendencies for breaking the law (speeding). He is not much for rules, is he?

he could have gotten into a car accident and killed himself. And here you are thinking it was a grand jester of his love for you, but it's not.

Lol! Freudian slip?

This guy sounds unstable. In your experience, he may seem more mature than other boys you have dated. Talking to his ex, and speeding, is more mature than the other guys you have dated? Wow...I feel sorry for you. I think your emotions are blinding you. Everyone needs love but not at this price.

If you care about someone, let them go and grow up at their own pace. His parents know that girls your age just want babies. Your biological clock is ticking and they know he is not mature enough to be a provider or father (see speeding ticket and emotional cheating).

Yes, maybe you love each other, but that has nothing to do with your compatibility for a long-term relationship, or your relationship skills. Love comes and goes, even within the same relationship. You will fall in love again with someone else. And I hope you learn from this small mistake.

[littletimmy23]

Thank you for the replies everyone, it's nice to see people giving their opinion, although I think a lot of assumptions have been made because you don't really know us and also based on our ages- which is the same thing his parents are doing. I thought I would give an update on what has happened and see if any new ideas emerge:

He still wants to be together, calls me every night and we talk for hours. We love each other so much, we have worked out all the drama which initially caused the hiccup but now his family is what is standing in the way.

After being taken away on NYE he was back home today and wanted to come see me for the first time since before christmas. His ENTIRE family (mother, father, brother, two sisters) got involved in a huge fight telling him its inappropriate, the age difference is too big, its a huge mistake and will only end in heart break further down the track and they will never support it.

He was allowed to come to me for a few hours. We talked, it was just like old times, but we couldn't get past the elephant in the room- every time he wants to see me he has to have a face off with all of them. Its the saddest thing I have ever seen.

Both of us were in tears and don't want this break up- we want that second chance and for them to be happy for us.

I want to talk to his parents- I really feel this has been blown totally out of proportion- all we want is to be left alone to be together but its not an option to tell them where to go as he still needs their financial support and love. Its totally heartbreaking.

If anyone has anything they can add in terms of a plan from here I would like to hear it, thanks again

[searock]

If you really love each other, just wait a couple of years until he is living by himself and has his own life sorted out. Then you can date.

[Petit Papillon]

If you really love each other, just wait a couple of years until he is living by himself and has his own life sorted out. Then you can date.

No they won't. See, he will probably realize that she's too old for him and he prefers to date younger girls. He's dating her now, because she's an adult he want to become. It's something he doesn't know, that's why it's so fascinating for him. As soon as he becomes an adult himself, he will see that younger than him girls or girls his age is actually what he's looking for.

[searock]

I said that they can date, not that they necessarily will : ).

[littletimmy23]

The very next day he called to tell me his parents have changed their minds- they've seen how unhappy we are being apart and told him it's the wrong thing to do if we're breaking up to please other people, and all they want is to see him happy.

They've said we can be together but they want it to be less intense- he still needs to see his friends and we can't be all living together 24/7 like we were before. I think they just need time to adjust to our relationship- I admit it all happened very fast.

I admit I was surprised when he said he wanted to marry me & that he thought I was the one because, like I read elsewhere on this forum, I didn't think he could possibly know that I am the one if I am all he has known.

But love happens to people. You will never know how or when or from where. It happens at all ages- I know people who have been married at the age of 18 and 19 and have gone on to be together forever. If you are truly destined for someone, not much can stand in the way of that. Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing.

I was allowed to go to him today but that didn't stop his brother having a last ditch attempt at sabotaging us. I believe the brother is being like this because he wants to continue to be the alpha in the family and since I present the opportunity of taking that attention away from him- that admiration my boyfriend had for him has been turned to me- I believe he is jealous and doesn't want me around.

He went through my boyfriends phone and found the messages we'd sent to each other saying how much we can't live without each other & how he had proposed marriage to me, and told his parents, stirring the pot some more. My boyfriend has explained to them that that isn't going to happen for a long time and they have said it's not something an 18 year old should be thinking about.

I believe them saying this may have changed his feelings for me now. I believe he may not be thinking about "forever" anymore because they've told him it's not appropriate for someone his age, and if you hear it enough, you will believe it.

I won't be able to get over this easily either- every time I see him now I feel the heart wrenching devastation that kept us apart these holidays. He says he wants it all to be water under the bridge, he still loves me, still wants to be with me, and wants us to come out of this stronger and better. But I feel like too much shit has gone down.

It makes me think about the things I want for myself too- look what I have suffered through for this boy; I did it because I love him and the thought of being without him scared me, but now if his feelings are to change, I feel like I will be left out in the cold. I really want things to work this time like he says, but if we're not on the same page in terms of long term commitment like we were before, it seems silly to continue.

I believe the right thing to do now is for everyone involved to chill out and relax a little. Ok, a lot. His family need time to adjust to their boy growing up, his brother needs time to see that his little brother still admires him & isn't going to leave him, my boyfriend needs time to see clearly if I am truly what he wants for himself, and I need time to see if all this is worth going through for a boy who (in the back of my mind, niggling at me) may now have some hesitation.

The saying "if you love someone, you should set them free" comes to my mind, but I have offered this to him before, I have told him he can go be with other girls if he wants, but he assures me that is not what he wants. I do feel like it is only a matter of time before this issue about being with other people crops up again though, but if we are both able to get on with being happy together again, partying, having fun like we used to, we will soon see that we really are happy and don't need other people to come home to- just each other.

I am writing this with hope for the future, hope I didn't have a few days ago. I hope beyond hope that this truly can be water under the bridge, that I can be the one beside him, supporting him while he grows, and we can show all the doubters that love knows no age barriers. This has all been so hard to deal with and I feel so rocked emotionally. But I feel a lot of damage has been done and both of us are finally seeing the age difference and wondering when it will end for good. I hope that it doesn't.

Thank you for any/all comments and opinions

[searock]

I believe them saying this may have changed his feelings for me now. I believe he may not be thinking about "forever" anymore because they've told him it's not appropriate for someone his age, and if you hear it enough, you will believe it.

You do realize that this just proves the fact that he is definitely too young and immature to date someone who has marriage in mind?!

I am writing this with hope for the future, hope I didn't have a few days ago. I hope beyond hope that this truly can be water under the bridge, that I can be the one beside him, supporting him while he grows, and we can show all the doubters that love knows no age barriers. This has all been so hard to deal with and I feel so rocked emotionally. But I feel a lot of damage has been done and both of us are finally seeing the age difference and wondering when it will end for good. I hope that it doesn't.

The part in bold is so disturbing :S. When it comes to romantic relationships, he needs someone he can grow together with, not some guardian who can "support him while he grows". He has his parents/family for that.

Leave him be, for his sake. As I said, if it really is "true love", once he becomes an adult you will have all the time in the world to eventually get together. As adults, in a healthy relationship. Even though I'm afraid it's too late now, since he's known you when he was still so young, he will probably always see you as the older woman, never at his same level.

[smackie9]

His parents speak the truth that you guys were too intense. To have a well balanced relationship and or marriage, you need to have a life outside the relationship, to do your own thing, be independent from each other. What is disastrous is a relationship that takes up your whole life. Even with a slight change, it can cause friction and things start to fall apart. Plus one can feel regret for missing out on opportunities, especially one being so young. His parents know this and want him not to neglect the things that are about him....his schooling, his friends, family etc. They want him to have his space so he can grow on his own.

So YOU need to chill out and let him have his space.......your relationship will be healthier for it. If you think this will end your relationship, then you are just being obsessive and you are the one with the problem, not his parents.

[bcgirl]

Oh I'm gonna smack you with a reality check here. Sure he seems mature enough, blah blah blah, BUT he is still a kid. You are 7 years ahead of him in development. His parents don't approve because they know this is a mistake. You are robbing him of his youth and the experience to grow into adulthood, the best years of his life.....you are selfishly trying to push him ahead to get to your level. You have total control over him, what he says, what he does.....he is not mature enough to handle it....remember what happened after you gave him shit for talking to and ex and he lost control....he could have gotten into a car accident and killed himself. And here you are thinking it was a grand jester of his love for you, but it's not. That is a scared boy who doesn't know how to handle his emotions yet. You have that much CONTROL over him, you are a control freak. You have no respect for him or his parents. It would be a douche move to go there and "convince" them that you should be able to have him. You would just be proving to them you are one crazy bit ch. If you had any maturity to you, you would step away and wait till he is of legal age to make his own decisions.

I will tell you this about dating someone in that age group. They will be obsessed with you for 6 months to a year, but they have a short tension span. He will be having interests in other girls, and you will be left in the dust. Sure a future with each other seems like the real deal, but it's just talk....those feelings do wear off. Everyone does it when they are at the honeymoon stage of a relationship....talk of babies and marriage...it's just silliness to think it's gonna happen.

You need to take a step back, put your feelings and selfish needs aside and take a real good look at what it really is that is going on here, and not what you are going to lose. Time to stop being a spoiled little girl, and act like the 25 year old adult you should be.

totally agreed! You are dating an 18 yr old male. You are at the age where you will soon think about marriage....he needs to explore other women and once he hits 20 yrs old, he probably would want to. Then you go all psycho crazy jealous on him and it will end up being a mother-son relationship.