Dealing with my anger/showing her i've changed

[AwptiK]

This is kind of long, so skip towards the bottom... Whatever answers I get work whether they're general answers or specific to my situation.

So i've been with this girl for the past few months and things have been amazing.

The only thing that's wrong, is that I have an anger issue. I don't know how well I can put it in words, but i'm very guilty of saying insulting things out of anger and i'd say I can be "explosive". I have never, and will never, put my hands on someone or cause any physical harm. To some extent, I believe somewhere in my mind, when I suffer, I need to see someone else suffer. I know it's very childish and i'm working on that extremely hard.


For my specific situation and search for advice, New Year's Eve I was hanging out with my girl and something came up and turned into an argument. She was the one who did wrong, but the way I handled it was extreme. That night, I was just loud and lightly insulting, but I ended up leaving where we were at her request. A few hours later we exchanged a few texts, one in which she said "I have never been that scared of anyone before". During those texts, she finally admitted her faults also.. We agreed to meet up again, in which I thought she'd do some explaining on her side, but I just talked to her for nearly 30 minutes. I addressed the situation and also apologized for my anger, leading into how much I enjoy being with her and how much I want to be with her still. She cried most of the time while I was talking.

The following day I texted her a few times, trying to just get answers for the unanswered questions I had regarding the argument. I was still angry and slightly mean about it. I also was searching for the current state of our relationship.

She replied and said that she was done, because of my anger. I took some time to reply back, but I said that I was extremely down... that I wish I had made all these mistakes with the girls I met before her, not with the one girl I never wanted to lose.

She asked me to call her as soon as I get out of work, so I did. She talked about how much she cares and likes me and how the only thing that she doesn't like is this anger I have. She says it scares her because she sees me as out of control. She also said that she's warned me before about saying things I can't take back, that they'll change how she views me. Then, like the night before, I kept talking and talking while she sat and listened. I apologized a lot for my actions and I said that I will do whatever I need to, to fix myself. (I asked her prior to this call about a chance for another try, she said "I just don't know right now"). I told her that i'm sorry it took as much as it did to see how badly I need to do more than just address my anger for a day and then not do more. (We've had two other occasions where i've been explosively angry, nothing as bad as the other night though). I also told her i'd be doing it because I want to be with her and knowing that's the one thing keeping us apart, is a huge motivation to take care of it. I told her I know that there may not be a future for us, but at least i'll know that i'm taking care of it for whoever my future wife may be. She cried for a while, while I was talking. I told her I said everything I had and I was out of words.. so we exchanged goodnights. I texted a little while later and thanked her for being there for me, because most of her wanting a call was to comfort me. She said "I'm still right here".

-----Skip here if you don't feel like reading much-----
So today, I went and saw a therapist. It was nice and it put me in a better, optimistic light as far as controlling my anger and becoming a better person. I've downloaded a few e-books about anger, which i'm currently reading through.

I really want to do whatever I have to, to get my relationship back. We've texted a few times today, I told her about therapy and then we talked back and forth about random stuff for a while. The first text I sent her, was "I miss you". She replied, "It's okay " I think that's just the comforting-side of her that came out last night. I asked her if I could come see her tonight after she gets off work, for just a few minutes. I don't really have a reason or any kind of speech or scenario in my mind, I just feel drawn towards seeing her. She said "I'll let you know". (From her, that's not an avoidance. The past two days have been quite a load on her and I know she needs to weigh out seeing me, her comfort level, and probably considering that there is the potential for more stress which would be a huge mistake to create.)

I am familiar with the "getting your ex back" posts on here and the articles. I know i've already done some bad things, as far as being needy and continuing to make contact. I don't quite feel a sense of urgency and I can do less/NC. I'm well aware that she just needs to see the person that she fell for, which is simply just me..prior to those anger issues ever coming out. I know Rome wasn't built in a day and if I do see her tonight, I don't intend to be a symbol of a completely changed man. I have a feeling she won't want to see me tonight, but if she does I just intend to talk about her day or whatever and call it a night.


I know she's not going to want to date this needy-type, but my main focus is to reestablish the comfort she used to have around me. The night of the argument was the last time I saw her and she expressed being scared. We do have a very similar social circle , so as an estimate, I see her in passing at least twice a week. I'll continue to use those times to continue the building of comfort and displaying the continuing changes in myself. Being that we do see each other, I suppose I should back off a lot on any attempt at texting or communication other than in the natural passing.

Thanks for any advice guys!!

[IndiReloaded]

I don't know how well I can put it in words, but i'm very guilty of saying insulting things out of anger and i'd say I can be "explosive". I have never, and will never, put my hands on someone or cause any physical harm. To some extent, I believe somewhere in my mind, when I suffer, I need to see someone else suffer. I know it's very childish and i'm working on that extremely hard.

Thanks for any advice guys!!

At the risk of sounding 'pop-psych', this kind of anger response comes from something in your childhood. Somehow, sometime you have been frustrated in being able to express anger. My first guess is you had a parent who was out of control and therefore never provided you a 'safe place' to express your own anger. This often leads to the type of responses you describe: repressed anger/rage that explodes inappropriately.

If my armchair psych is off, sorry. As for solutions, I highly recommend a martial art. Something involving a lot of self-control, like judo or aikido while allowing you to cut loose physically (but with control). Avoid the 'sports' type MAs, they are a different emphasis that are less likely to give you the training I'm guessing you might enjoy.

[AwptiK]

Thanks for your advice. I think you may be right about my childhood, it has to do with my father. To an extent, I think I take after him. He lacks some ability to express himself socially, and he exhibits anger and rage with ease. He is very quick-tempered and I know that I have that issue as well. That model he's set, plus never learning the proper way to be angry, is probably why I am where I am today. That's very well guessed by you.


I've always been interested in martial arts, I will start looking at attending classes. I've started to put a bit of focus into working out. There's the obvious physical benefit, while releasing stress and releasing some of the things that have built up. One of the main things my ex said on the phone last night, was that I don't have a way to release my anger appropriately. Channeling it into anything would help me develop and control my anger better.


Any advice for regaining my lost relationship?

[IndiReloaded]

Unfortunately I don't have much to say re: your GF. Anger like this is often a deal-breaker for people. If it is for her, there isn't much you can do except learn the lesson that you have much to lose if you don't find a way to control yourself. You could simply apologize and let her know you are doing something about it.

Do look into the MA, its much more effective than counselling, IMO. At least for the kind of thing you describe, you don't sound crazy out of control, more needing an outlet. You are welcome to PM me if you like (you'll need 15 posts and send a friend request, I limit my PMs). I might be able to recommend a dojo depending on where you live.

Best,
Indi

[AwptiK]

Regarding the girlfriend, yeah...it may be a dealbreaker. I've apologized for my actions, the fact that it took as much as it did for me to realize the need for change, and explained what i'm doing to take care of it. I guess that's all I can do. I'm focused on being the best version of myself I can possibly be, it's in her hands to come back or be done..

I know you don't have much in line with dealing with her, but for anyone else who reads, last night's phone call is when I did a lot of that apologizing and recognizing what needs to be done. When we first talked today and I mentioned therapy, a few texts later I also said, "I'm sorry that it caused you as much pain and harm as it did, for me to see the urgent need for change." Her response, "You're fine, stop apologizing! " That may just be her being comforting more than anything else, but it's worth sharing.


I have a few friends around town that practice various MA, i'll talk to them and see what my options are around here. I'll come to you if I need additional advice on this. Thanks again Indi.

[HeartIsAching]

At the risk of sounding 'pop-psych', this kind of anger response comes from something in your childhood. Somehow, sometime you have been frustrated in being able to express anger. My first guess is you had a parent who was out of control and therefore never provided you a 'safe place' to express your own anger. This often leads to the type of responses you describe: repressed anger/rage that explodes inappropriately.

If my armchair psych is off, sorry. As for solutions, I highly recommend a martial art. Something involving a lot of self-control, like judo or aikido while allowing you to cut loose physically (but with control). Avoid the 'sports' type MAs, they are a different emphasis that are less likely to give you the training I'm guessing you might enjoy.

The anger response is something that we (men in particular, but women too) are socialized to show from birth instead of other feelings. We're socialized to show anger rather than feeling fear, rejection, ridicule... most negative emotions result in an anger response.

OP: If you're seeing a therapist, keep doing so. It can help if you really want it to. Tell her you're seeing a therapist because your relationship with her is important to you, and if she's willing to try again, SHARE the insights you get, and the methods you're supposed to be using with her, she can help you on this path.

[AwptiK]

Thanks HIA. I will keep seeing the therapist and reading the e-books i've found as well.

I've already seen a little progress in myself and that's giving me even more drive to continue. I'm really good at talking myself into being angry. With this situation for example, at times today i've thought about it and felt myself becoming angry and upset, but i've used the things i've read and learned today, to channel it into anything else. I've made myself do a ton of pushups and pullups today, just to get the adrenaline, out of my system. I've also recognized a lower level of anger, which I believe is good. I know that without the things i've done today, I could very easily achieve a much higher level of anger that is beyond my control.

I like to correlate it to and incredible urge and desire to throw a punch at something. I never have even been physical with objects, but there is a sudden surge of built up anger that makes me want to go punch a pillow as hard as I possibly can. I'm sure Indi likes hearing this, because if I do follow the path towards MA, i'll actually be taking out anger in that fashion. But again, today... I have knowingly felt the anger get close to that level and acknowledged the building of desire towards a sudden release, and been able to stop it and calm myself down. I've also thought, "I'm not nearly as mad as I thought I would be." I'm feeling in-control of myself and I like the feeling.

I have told this girl about seeing the therapist, and I said last night that I was doing this because of my desire to be with her. She has been supportive of me, as a friend would be, but i'd like there to be more.


I will find out pretty soon if she wants to see me tonight or not, or possibly get the last minute "meet me at ___." I'm hoping she will want to see me, but it's very understandable why she may not. I know she's taking her comfort and her desire for a stress-free day into consideration. I'd say if she does want to see me, there may be some optimism to be had, because I know she's well aware that i'm not going to see the girl who comforted me a little, but the girl I want to be with again. We'lllllll see. All I want to do tonight is have a brief conversation, showing her that she can be comfortable around me, because I know I scared her the other night. I won't talk about anything that happened, unless she does. I may or may not talk about therapy, unless she asks how i'm doing. I'd love to end with a hug and a kiss on her forehead, but i'll have to see her comfort level first.

[AwptiK]

One update, we didn't see each other tonight. She recently texted, "I'm just going to go home tonight, it's been a long night". I just said "okay" back, and now i'm going to primarily focus on myself and let her come around on her own time.

[bulrush]

If my armchair psych is off, sorry. As for solutions, I highly recommend a martial art. Something involving a lot of self-control, like judo or aikido while allowing you to cut loose physically (but with control). Avoid the 'sports' type MAs, they are a different emphasis that are less likely to give you the training I'm guessing you might enjoy.

Martial arts are a good way to use up excess energy, but the anger should not be suppressed. It should be expressed in a constructive way, often private (so you don't scare others around you), like maybe hitting a pillow in private. But also understanding the root cause is helpful, so you can neutralize the root cause, and change how you think about anger. Anger is normal, but can be expressed in a bad way. What some people do is talk about their issues as soon as the issue arises, BEFORE they blow up. But this means both people must be calm when talking about the issue, and good listeners.

I'm glad you recognize your faults you have to work on. That is the first step.

I have never, and will never, put my hands on someone or cause any physical harm.

But how do THEY know that?

So today, I went and saw a therapist. It was nice and it put me in a better, optimistic light as far as controlling my anger and becoming a better person. I've downloaded a few e-books about anger, which i'm currently reading through.

Excellent. You are already doing better than most people, who simply ignore the problem. A therapist will help you answer questions about concepts you read about in the books.

You should continue to work on this very serious issue you have, because I think it scares a lot of girls away. I don't know whether this current girl will stay with you, but keep working on yourself. Good luck.