dealing with her secrets

[Kenobi]

Hello everyone.


I am in need of advice. I have been dating this girl for 4 years now. I have just recently found out that she still talks to her ex behind my back. What do I do, how do I deal with this.


How I found out:

We were in a friend's wedding ceremony. I knew that he was there. I waited for him to come up and say hi, but he didn't. So I shrug, let it go. I went to borrow my GF's phone, and I see an unfamiliar number. I had to ask twice because the first time it was the deer in headlights look. So now I find out that she still has his number even after changing phones several times over the years. And that she had communication with him all the time.

My problem:

Why didn't she just let me know that she still talks to him. Finding out the way I did only makes me think of the worst of things. Why didn't he just come up to us to say hi, why does he have to do this shady way.

I don't know what to do. I love her a lot, and I want her to be happy, even if it's not with me.

Thanks for the space. Any advice is appreciated.

[BlackRose]

Why should she have to stop talking to him? If they ended it on good terms and they are still friends, what is the big deal? How did you react when you found it? Did you yell? Maybe that is why she froze up. Perhaps you should consider this a good thing. If you two ever broke up, there is a good chance that you could stay friends since she can obviously handle that sort of thing. Don't look at all that it MIGHT be when it is probably innocent "How are you? What's up?" conversations. Just have a serious talk with her. Let her know that you aren't trying to control her and you just want to make sure that things with you and her are still ok. Don't blame her for anything. She is her own person and it's not like you found raunchy text messages on her cell from him or to him. You found his number. Big deal. Just consider everything before you go getting mad and risk killing a perfecly good relationship with this girl. It's not worth it unless you think she is cheating.

[al407]

I hear your concern. While many people have no problem keeping approriate boundies with their ex-mates, it is always a potential catalyst for problems in the current relationship. Personally, this is why I don't keep in touch with my ex-boyfriends (even with an amicable split). I don't ever want my current boyfriend to even be put in the uncomfortable potition of having to deal with it just because I can. Now, my current boyfriend doesn't have that same philosophy. Tough situation to suck up out of respect for each other, that's for sure. After busting him once, however, confirming my concern was ligitimate, he doesn't have the luxury of keeping in contact with these women and keep me in the picture, too. It just was too bad it had to get the that point. The one thing I have learned is being totally open and non-confrotational about it (even after a line-crossing event) can really build a relationship stronger. Now, no matter how uncomfortable it is, we share any info about unexpected run-ins or contact with ex-girl/boyfriends. So you could try that...just communicating in the most respectful, non-confrontation way you know how. That's my two-cents.

[Kenobi]

Sorry if it sounds like I have a problem with her talking to him. My problem is that she should have let me know. If it was innocent (I am hoping) then that's fine, but why hide it from me?


I asked her calmly, I never yelled. When she finally told me, I stopped. It was not the time or place to discus it. We discussed it, and I am still finding out bits and pieces, and the way I'm fiding out is thru asking repeatedly. I hate that I have to ask her repeatedly 'coz I feel like I'm somehow attacking her, and she's clamming shut. When I talk to her I try and stay calm and hold back my emotions as I talk and listen to try and encourage her to just tell me.

[al407]

First, your emotions are real and justified. Sounds like you're handling it very well, actually. It's the fact that in a world of "looser" values on monogamy, in even the strongest of relationships the "innocent (I am hoping)" factor, in my view, is an unecessary burden that should not be put on people. That's why I just don't keep the exes in my life. Others, again, don't share that view...so you just have to keep being as open and honest and, unfortunately, inquisitive. It all comes down to respect. She has to respect your feelings if you are expected to respect hers.

[Kenobi]

thanks for the replies.

I am the same way about exes. I have quite a few, but never made enemies, just exes. There are a few that were at first and soon we are friends again. I go out of my way to be open with her, perhaps that makes it boring. I am looking at htis relationship as a long term one, and I want her to be able to do the same (I used to think that she did too) . When we had our talk I can tell that she gets slightly excited when talking about him (talks little faster, skipped details). So I explored on her feelings about him, she admits to still having some for him. But quickly says that she is much happier with me. I told her I'd give her space, to pursue this thing she has. She asked if I'll be there for her if she comes back. I could've lied and said yes, but I gave her honesty and said maybe. 4 years is a long time, we never had any problems. Maybe she has lost feelings for me and she is just with me because she is comfortable.

Oh and we are normal, we talk and joke around like noraml, except when it comes to talking about this.

[Stillinlove]

Sounds pretty weird how all the pieces fell into place there. I mean, if they were talking as just friends, why didnt he come over and say hi? Maybe out of respect for you, or maybe they didnt want you to know they were talking >.> The best thing you can do i suppose is talk to her about it, but dont go about it in the wrong way or shell get defensive, and lots of trouble will start. Dont ask me how to bring it up >.> lol I mean... youve been dating for four years, there should be no reason to hide something as trivial as that, unless theres alot more to it >.>

[Kenobi]

Sounds pretty weird how all the pieces fell into place there. I mean, if they were talking as just friends, why didnt he come over and say hi? Maybe out of respect for you, or maybe they didnt want you to know they were talking >.> The best thing you can do i suppose is talk to her about it, but dont go about it in the wrong way or shell get defensive, and lots of trouble will start. Dont ask me how to bring it up >.> lol I mean... youve been dating for four years, there should be no reason to hide something as trivial as that, unless theres alot more to it >.>

That is my view, I'm still picking thru like CSI with baby mittens....

[misombra]

my personal feeling about ex's is that they should just disappear, unless you have children with them, and even in that case it's iffy. having feelings for them is okay and perfectly normal, but having feelings for them and talking to them all the time is another thing. but you don't know that they talk all the time, do you? so i don't know.

[al407]

If she changes the manner in which she talks when his name comes up, it is only because she knows it is not a comfortable subject (yet). I don't know... Sit down, again, and talk about the subject as a whole...not him specifically. Determine each others feeling on how to go about generally handling these situations (prefered boundries and prefered openess). Let each other know how it makes each of you feel on just the way you handle it with each other. Maybe, then, the situation with her not telling you about him won't be so much of an issue.

[jujuBean]

I can understand where you're coming from with being iffy about this whole thing, 'cause the same thing happened to me, except with a guy. Not a fun thing, thinking about your girl's exes, but you also have to think about your trust in her. Ask yourself if she really would do anything with another guy, especially an ex, behind your back. Maybe she didn't want to tell you all of this because she figured you'd react how you're reacting now -- kind of worried, unsure, curious, etc. It's a normal feeling. Keep explaining to her that you're not trying to suspect her of anything, but that this whole situation is bothering you. If you guys are at that level of communication, hopefully things will go smoothly and you can just talk everything out instead of having to poke her (figuratively =P) for info.

Sounds like you're being gentle with her, making sure she's not going to get defensive, etc. That's a good thing. Hope things turn out for the better. good luck. =}

[Kenobi]

Thanks. I'm trying to handle this like an adult....

As far as trust, I trust her. I still do. Although it's way harder now to believe what she tells me, but at the end of the day I believe it.

[daehehtnidekcuF]

Exes by definition are just that, past tense and should remain that way; you broke off the relationship to move on for various reasons, so do it.

This whole “were just friends”, and the “lets be friends” psychobabble is a product of too much daytime TV and people far too disconnected from the harsh veracity of the human emotion. Only so few can function within a relationship such as that where one or more individuals have interaction with past lovers.

My ex-wife watched Beverly Hills 90201 religiously and with each passing day I saw more and more her life begin to emulate certain mannerisms the characters all embraced on that show.

One was a conceited approach towards her past relationships and the fact that she expected me to openly embrace them and allow her to revisit them when she felt the need.

It may be nothing but if it bothers you enough to post here then you need to address this issue with your G/F before it dwells on too long.

[Kenobi]

I agree with your view on exes. But I really am not comfortable in asking her to stop talking to him. It should be up to her. Everytime I think this thing is settled and finished I find some small detail that she left out, then back to more talks and explaining. It seems neverending, sometimes I feel like giving up and asking no more questions.

[daehehtnidekcuF]

I feel like giving up and asking no more questions.

Might be for the best, if you still at the end of the day trust her, that's all that matters.