Why does she keep pushing me away?

[ConfewsdGuy]

Hey folks, I was wondering if someone could shed maybe help me understand my current situation a little better, cus I'm pretty lost and also a bit concerned. It's a bit long and probably silly, but please bare with me..

This girl I met online about 5 months or so ago, with whom I have very strong feelings for (as much as possible over the phone/internet, we haven't met yet, but will in like a week or two), and claims she feels the same way keeps on playing at a sort of rollercoaster of affection with me. Like hot and cold. At first I thought she was just playing games, or testing me to see how I'll react, but now I'm beginning to think there is something more behind it. I don't necessarily feel that it's cheating, although it's certainly very possible that she is. Btw we're both in our late twenties.

Basically what happens is, like at first, she will shower me with affection, compliments, care, etc, and essentially (I feel) act like someone she's not to try and gain as much of my affection and trust as possible. And as soon as I show her a certain amount of attention she immediately starts to cool off and begin to push me away. Eventually the phone calls (with which we sometimes talk up to 5-6 hours) will stop, the texts will become cold, less enthusiastic, and hours will go by before I get replies (if at all), and I basically don't hear from her for sometimes days at at time.

This all leaves me sitting here very confused, wondering "wth did I do wrong?" She acts like, and even says she wants my affection, my care, my love, and when I finally give it it's like it's over. Like I'm some great big challenge to her that once she overcomes she eventually gets bored with (except that, anytime she cant get ahold of me she gets really upset and sometimes mad). Then I'll either call her out on it, and sometimes give her the feeling that I don't trust her (but sometimes not), and she'll immediately get very angry and defensive and say things like she's just been extremely busy, I'm just imagining things, etc. And she'll even act very immaturely and selfishly and make me out to be the bad guy, laying huge guilt trips on me like "how can you say such things, I work my *** off, I call you all the time on my days off, and yet you're still like this, etc." And I always end up apologizing in the end..

However, thinking it was just a game, or that she's cheating or something along those lines I've twice now (when this happened) outright stopped talking to her and ignoring her texts and phone calls for certain periods of times, hoping she would get the picture, knock it off, and come running back for good.

The first time it was 3 days. On the 3rd morning (after not hearing from her either) she texted me saying that she's been trying to get ahold of me for days, which I knew was a lie (I have bad cell service at times but not THAT bad). She made a big deal out of me "ignoring her," like a REALLY big deal, getting very angry again and spiteful saying hurtful things. But once I 'sort of' apologized (which I probably shouldnt have) things were nice again, she was warm and affectionate .. for a few days .. At first she texted me practically nonstop, called several times a day, said everything nice to me that she could think of, even did things she put off before that I would tell her about. For instance I would tell her about something I thought was really cool that she would like, and she would act interested in it, but "not get to it" because of how busy she says she is. However once I ignored her, she would say she finally got around to it and loved it almost as a sort of way to get me back interested again.

So I said to myself, apparently 3 days wasn't enough to get my point across. So this time I went 10 days or so. For 7 full days she did not call or text once .. On the 7th day she texted me a few times all warmly and acting like nothing had happened. I continued to ignore, and on the 10th day she texted me unhappy saying I should just break up with her if I'm going to ignore her for this long.. I finally texted her back saying that I've been extremely busy (her excuse), and she replied kind of seemingly upset but with at least a little enthusiasm to hear from me. And from there we texted back and forth more and more for a few hours back to our original "friendliness."

She called me later that night and we talked for about 5 hours and she was basically back to her old self. She was very happy to talk to me, we laughed a lot, talked about so many various things, and near the end the affection finally started back from her and I returned it. And all of the previous things happened again .. showering me with affection, telling me she finally got around to things I told her about that she wouldn't get to before, an unecessarily large amount of often unwarranted compliments, etc, etc.

Later that day too she texted me the whole day, called me probably 5 times. Acting so sweet, and so interested in me and the things that I have to say. And at first, this time, I didn't show as much interest as I had in the past and she got really clingy-like again, constantly asking me what I'm doing, texting me anytime I don't reply, etc. But ofc, as time went by this slowed, and now is halted yet again.

I am at a total loss, I'm confused, frustrated, I can't for the life of me understand it, and I hate it. She goes from making me feel absolutely amazing, to feeling like my very soul is being sucked out of me. I have never showered her with affection or compliments, come on too strong, acted weak, thrown myself at her, or made any other mistakes that would warrant a woman being turned off. Quite the contrary I feel like I've played my cards exceedingly well at times, and I have zero problem making her laugh when she's being warm.

But that's also a problem too .. anytime she's being cold, it's impossible to get any kind of rise out of her. The usual jokes and even funnier ones oftentimes either get minimal response or none at all. She makes it very uncomfortable to talk to her during this time in general, as if nothing I say at all is enough or could ever be enough.

I've even almost entirely stopped being the one contacting her some of the time. It used to be a mutual thing, but now I only do it on very rare occasions, saying something like "have a nice night at work, be safe," and then going back to letting her be the one to text or call me for practically a week straight, hoping that maybe it's a situation where she wants to be the one to chase after me. And even that's not enough... Of course, I usually have my phone on hand or am around to reply when she does, but still..

The thing that gets me the most is how serious and sincere she is when she's being "warm". She'll talk about all the things she wants to do with me when we finally meet, and maybe moving in together somewhere down the road (we've gotten pretty serious about eachother, other than this problem..), I can tell she really wants a long-term relationship. And I really TRULY believe and can hear it in her voice and the way she says it that she does in fact mean a lot of the things that she says when she's being warm. I believe she's sincere with her words and believes them herself.

But then all of a sudden it changes so drastically over time..

Most of the people I've talked to about this have said that I should just end it, but it's not exactly that simple. I really DO have strong feeling for her, I can't wait to meet her, and I'd love to spend the majority of my time with her. Other than these faults she really is in fact my ideal in every way. Even seeing past the facade she sometimes seems to put on when she's trying to gain my interest back..

I just wish I understood it. I almost feel like it's some kind of dysfunction or PD symptom. Like maybe she really has very low self esteem, but she also acts very selfishly at times and craves attention from everyone. Or maybe she's afraid of getting too close for fear of getting burned or a "fear of success". I've read a little about these kind of things, like she's acting like this expecting me to treat her bad to confirm her own low self esteem, or to see if I'll put up with it and then think im a pushover, OR if i don't then im a jerk. Her last relationship was long with a real ***hole who treated her terribly and abused her, but I 'think' she treated him the same way she's treating me.. And I honestly get the feeling that occasionally she really wants me to be an ***hole to her.

Anyway, my questions for those who have read through all this silly nonsense are as follows..

1) Most importantly, how do I go about handling a woman that keeps pushing me away like this? Should I talk to her about it, wth do I say?

2) Do you think that she's doing it on purpose from what I've stated (ofc there's a LOT more to our story)?

3) Like I said I don't think it's a game, I don't 'think' she's cheating but she could be like expecting me to be a long term relationship while she has her flings, and I'm fairly certain it's not a scenario where she's just wanting to be the one to do the chasing .. because I rarely "chase" her, especially anymore. That being said, what other possibilities are there? Is it possibly a dysfunction or PD symptom like I mentioned?

4) Are some people just naturally like this and can't help it or what? I feel like she doesn't even REALIZE she's doing it.

I plan on meeting this girl very soon, like the end of this month, but I don't believe this behavior from her will end.. On top of that if she's not talking to me I can't exactly setup a date to meet her. What can I possibly do?

Right now I'm "ignoring her" until she notices I guess. She sent me a text yesterday after acting pretty coldly most of the day to my own and I haven't replied to it, so we'll see how that goes I suppose.. The worst part is I really WANT to show her how much I care, I want to tell her this, I want her to be open with me and know she can trust me, and I especially want to hear from her. I'm pretty concerned about her even, but I don't even know howto talk to her about any of this.. And I'm almost positive that if I were to break up with her she would beg me to stay or come crawling later saw to speak.

Please if anyone can give me some advice or insight as to why she's like this or what I can do it would be immensely appreciated. Thanks.

[bulrush]

1. She could have hormone problems, or even be bi-polar. What you describe sounds a lot like bi-polar to me. Or even mono-polar, where she goes from happy, to blah.
2. She could get busy and tired from work, which makes her call/text you less.
3. She could be going out with friends, then be too tired to talk to you.
4. There are several things that could be going on here.

[ConfewsdGuy]

Thanks for the reply! I know my post was a mess, but I just wanted to get every detail in there, and of course this really bothers the hell out of me..

Well that's the thing though .. nothing changes at her job like I said. She'll go from texting me and calling me like mad, even while at work, but then slowly over a few weeks it just slows down and eventually stops, at work or otherwise... At one point I couldn't get ahold of her for practically 2 weeks. And the only times she would respond was when I was asking wth was going on with her, or saying she must be playing games. She called me herself twice I think during that period, just to gossip basically, no affection, no nice words, no texts at all or replies to mine.

Bipolar doesn't explain the fact that when she's doing this she's usually still posting and replying like mad to people on facebook, but can't reply to one simple text by me? And it doesn't explain the fact that the only times when she bounces back to being really affectionate is AFTER she realizes I'm ignoring her. I can understand a person needing their space at times too, but this often in this short a period of time? We haven't even met yet! And like I said I really don't do ANY of the "chasing," nor do I act weak in any manner at all that would cause a woman to act this way.

She does also tell me she gets really tired, like to the point of not wanting to do anything, and so she'll act like this .. but then that very same day she'll go out with her friends to a whole bunch of places, and post a bunch of pings or pictures on facebook the whole time, making me think it was just an excuse. She does in fact like to play games sometimes, and test me to see if I'll get jealous, but I'm certain that it's completely unrelated to this major problem, just because of the circumstances alone. Like I feel like she's actually really proud that I'm her boyfriend, I can hear it in her voice and the words she uses at times. She says I worry too much too, which is true (more than she knows because I pretend like I dont), but she's the one causing me to worry in the first place..

I've read about people who tend to push others away to protect themselves (in different ways) for certain periods of time against their own will, like they can't control it, but the second they feel like they might really be abandoned they come rushing back and make every attempt to keep said person. I don't know if this is the case here, and I'm not sure it would even make me feel better if it was.

I really don't know what to think.. She would be worth the trouble if I could figure out what's going on with her so I can at least make an attempt to (help) mend it, whether it be a problem with me or her. And I seriously doubt it's a problem with me..

I've never heard of mono-polar before, is that like depression and mood swings?

[Bonfire]

That's just her personality from growing up with some problems at home or in her life. She's going to be hot and cold. She going to give you shit and depending on how you respond, it determines if it will last or not. You mentioned her ex was an ass; that's the type of guy she is attracted to. You sound like a nice fella though not sure if it will last. Only tip I can say is be strong and speak your mind to her and don't take shit from her. Good luck.

[ConfewsdGuy]

That's just her personality from growing up with some problems at home or in her life. She's going to be hot and cold. She going to give you shit and depending on how you respond, it determines if it will last or not. You mentioned her ex was an ass; that's the type of guy she is attracted to. You sound like a nice fella though not sure if it will last. Only tip I can say is be strong and speak your mind to her and don't take shit from her. Good luck.

You're probably right, in fact I'm fairly certain you are. She's always talked about how she doesn't get along with her parents, and her and her dad don't talk at all. She moved out when she was like 16 years old.. Although her sister is supposedly perfectly normal and stable, and they were treated the same way..

Yea her ex was an ass, she was with him for over 5 years.. She gives me crap pretty often, and plays games alongaside the whole hot and cold. I've learned the best way to deal with it to keep her affection is to pretend not to give a crap, even if it's true or not. But I can't keep doing that .. cus some of the things she does and says are really hurtful. But I can tell she feels bad about it too sometimes.

One instance .. she did something pretty unnacceptable for any girlfriend making me think she was cheating. I later found out the exact details (not just from her), and it made me pretty sure she wasn't. But she still sent me texts beforehand telling me details that were very obviously to make me jealous, and then when I didn't respond for a day she later felt guilty and texted me that some of the details that were going to happen didn't (which I found out was true on my own).

But what got me was when I finally confronted her on it in texts she got really defensive (seemingly expecting it) and said things like "yell at me if you want" and "be angry if this and this" when I was repeatedly saying to her I was calm and not mad. She REALLY expected me, and I feel like, wanted me to be pissed off, yell at her, and treat her like ****.

It was only when I finally talked to her on the phone, and said that I think she completely misunderstood where I was coming from, that I wasn't mad or accusing her, I could tell she was like practically astounded that this was the case. I told her I was more concerned about her safety than anything (which wasn't exactly true obviously), and she was really surprised.

Isn't there anything that can be done besides acting like an asshole myself? Anytime I speak my mind about it is when she becomes the coldest and starts ignoring me again. Anytime I try to show her or tell her I care (which I don't even do that often, but want to) the same thing happens. Is she always going to be like this and nothing that can be done to change it?

I still really can't help feeling like it's some kind of dysfunction..

[Bonfire]

You don't have to be an ass. You just have to straight out tell her what's up and if it be, yell back. Yes she likes it if you can fight back with her, not physical, just emotionally. She needs to feel it from you that you care enough about her to get pissed. And that's why she does things like this. And you can also show her that you are in control of yourself at the same time that you see through her shit. She play the cold and hot routine, you play the fire and warm routine. But you have to be who you are at the same time or it's pointless. And she'll be like this for a while until she grows up. Eventually the man who can take her and hold her in place, wins her over.

[DVR1]

You don't have to be an ass. You just have to straight out tell her what's up and if it be, yell back. Yes she likes it if you can fight back with her, not physical, just emotionally. She needs to feel it from you that you care enough about her to get pissed. And that's why she does things like this. And you can also show her that you are in control of yourself at the same time that you see through her shit. She play the cold and hot routine, you play the fire and warm routine. But you have to be who you are at the same time or it's pointless. And she'll be like this for a while until she grows up. Eventually the man who can take her and hold her in place, wins her over.

Excellent comment & advice.

I'm under the same situation, but happens to experience all this hot-cold stuff in person with this woman. This kind of women need their
white knight in shining armor (very hard to de one). Are women full of hot-cold behavior and at the same time they want you to stand
like a ROCK, no matter what.

And yes, they love when you are pissed off with their shit, cause you show you do care for them emotionally. But, all this hot-cold acting
is really painfull and don't know if it deserves the energy. Only, if the woman is a 10/10 and when she is hot she gives you life pleasure to
the maximum, with her cleverness and her willing to join you in every new adventure! So you both enjoy your own rollercoaster.

[ConfewsdGuy]

You don't have to be an ass. You just have to straight out tell her what's up and if it be, yell back. Yes she likes it if you can fight back with her, not physical, just emotionally. She needs to feel it from you that you care enough about her to get pissed. And that's why she does things like this. And you can also show her that you are in control of yourself at the same time that you see through her shit. She play the cold and hot routine, you play the fire and warm routine. But you have to be who you are at the same time or it's pointless. And she'll be like this for a while until she grows up. Eventually the man who can take her and hold her in place, wins her over.

Good insight man, and very much appreciated! Whether it works in the end or not this is the route I will take and stick to it, cus it's essentially the route I want anyway. Better to have a plan than to not and keep trying from every angle to figure her out like I kind of have been.

At first I yelled at her and argued back a lot, but I did also lose control (badly). After I realized that wasn't working I pretended to stop caring and it had better "effect" but eventually the same coldness followed, and I also felt like she just figured I was a pushover..

I'm kind of confused however what you mean by "when she plays cold and hot, then I play fire and warm" what do you mean by fire and warm? And likewise, maybe a bit silly but, how can I best come off as in control while still getting my point across and yelling back like you were saying lol? She's 27 now too .. how long will it take for her to grow up =/

I just hope it's not too late now, because the last argument we had was over that really unacceptable occurence and even though we argued I came off as a pushover saying that I wasn't mad, when I really was and should have been.. I dunno how to bring it up again.

I almost feel like I should just wait until we meet in about 2 week and then really discuss this and 'try' to set some boundaries, but I don't know how to handle her in the meantime, sigh.

[Bonfire]

Fire is your action when you are pissed. Speak up when you are pissed, ignore her when it's appropriate.
Warm is your action when you care. Make her happy, show your appreciation, let her know your there for her.

Showing you are in control is you never get physical with her, call her on her bs. You always able to calm down and be the rock in her life.

These days, people take a longer time to grow up. Thirties are like the new twenties. She will not be totally mature, she'll just be less wild. It takes life lessons to make her grow up. It's going to be a constant battle for a while. It may or may not work out. Just be true to yourself. Good luck.

[ConfewsdGuy]

Excellent comment & advice.

I'm under the same situation, but happens to experience all this hot-cold stuff in person with this woman. This kind of women need their
white knight in shining armor (very hard to de one). Are women full of hot-cold behavior and at the same time they want you to stand
like a ROCK, no matter what.

And yes, they love when you are pissed off with their shit, cause you show you do care for them emotionally. But, all this hot-cold acting
is really painfull and don't know if it deserves the energy. Only, if the woman is a 10/10 and when she is hot she gives you life pleasure to
the maximum, with her cleverness and her willing to join you in every new adventure! So you both enjoy your own rollercoaster.

Ahh, it's very good to hear from someone going through the same situation .. does she do all the other stuff too like trying to make you jealous, and saying things she knows is hurtful or touchy to you on purpose to see how you react? lol. And when she's being affectionate does she kind of overdo it to try to become more of your ideal woman?

I honestly do feel that she is worth the effort and energy .. and I haven't even met her yet! Like I said too, I've seen through the facade she puts on when she's being "hot" and I already have strong feelings for what I see underneath.

Trying to be this shining knight isn't a problem for me because that's actually right in line with my personality .. I enjoy helping people and making them at ease (I actually plan to do something medical with my life). It's just hard to stand firm when she does painful things.

The problem is just how much lately I see through 'everything' she does but I pretend like I don't and it doesn't bother me, because I know there are women who like to test you to see if things bother you and like you more if you don't .. but maybe that's just short term anyway with guys who really are assholes and not fit for relationships.

Ugh, why must women be so damn confusing -_-

Thanks for the input btw!

[ConfewsdGuy]

Fire is your action when you are pissed. Speak up when you are pissed, ignore her when it's appropriate.
Warm is your action when you care. Make her happy, show your appreciation, let her know your there for her.

Showing you are in control is you never get physical with her, call her on her bs. You always able to calm down and be the rock in her life.

These days, people take a longer time to grow up. Thirties are like the new twenties. She will not be totally mature, she'll just be less wild. It takes life lessons to make her grow up. It's going to be a constant battle for a while. It may or may not work out. Just be true to yourself. Good luck.

Thanks again! The more you guys reply and the more I think about, it makes sense why things have been how they are and how I should deal with it. It's SO reassuring to hear that it's not any of the other problems that I thought, and knowing that, like I thought, she really is interested in me and not just stringing me along. I feel like I have renewed purpose with her and I think I know how I can make it work really well given all your advice.

The only thing that might get in the way is my own fatigue based health problems, which I'm currently working out and making good progress, but they do kind of get in the way of my confidence at times. It's honestly why I lost control, accusing her of a bunch of things and threatened to break up with her before.. I was really stressed and felt like crap when it happened, so my mood wasn't the greatest. But I've already learned that's the worst way to act lol. And now I REALLY know better..
often refers to
The biggest issue I have dealing with her is how big of a tomboy she is by nature, which I'm very attracted to, but she has a LOT of male friends, and that's not easy to say the least. She's kind a spoiled party girl, and herself as spoiled. I can live with the games, the arguments, and even the hot and cold, now that I know the truth. But one thing that I can't tolerate is cheating..

I've got to ask, is it your experience that this type of person cheats at all or a lot or what? If she doesn't, I'm fine with the rest, but I dont think I could handle it if she did..

Also when she goes cold are you saying that I should call her out on it, and argue about it, or just deal with it and give her space and maybe a few texts here and there until she's ready to "come back?" Or ignore her myself like I've done .. when is it appropriate to ignore her exactly? lol Sorry about the bombardment of questions lol, but I think if I understand how to deal with this in particular best I can really make it work.

[Bonfire]

I can't tell you how to respond to every situation. You just got to trust your gut and speak your mind, don't be afraid to offend her and stand your ground. She'll respect you for it. Most relationships don't work out anyways so don't beat yourself over it if things didn't, learn from it. Don't over think things, take it as it comes. Relationship suppose to be fun, so relax. Most importantly, just be you, the real you. Good luck.

[ConfewsdGuy]

I can't tell you how to respond to every situation. You just got to trust your gut and speak your mind, don't be afraid to offend her and stand your ground. She'll respect you for it. Most relationships don't work out anyways so don't beat yourself over it if things didn't, learn from it. Don't over think things, take it as it comes. Relationship suppose to be fun, so relax. Most importantly, just be you, the real you. Good luck.

Fair enough.

The more I think about it though one thing that really concerns me is are you sure that she's not also feeling like I'm not enough of "challenge" to her so she gets bored? The reason I say this is because something happened about a month in to our relationship that made me not really trust her, and so I partially stopped talking to her during this time and told her I wasn't interested.

I eventually found out the truth and trusted her again, but the WHOLE time it was like she could not get enough of me. She literally wouldn't stop texting me, or calling me, or messaging me on facebook. The less interest I showed at the time, and the colder I acted the more ridiculous in fact it became. It got to an almost annoying point and I didn't really know how to deal with it. She was also trying extra hard to convince me that she was trustworthy and serious about me. Of course I felt at the time it was just because she really wanted me to believe her but still .. the way she acted, it was like she couldn't get enough of my "challenge."

Granted, since then she does spend even as much of a month giving attention and affection and really responds well to my own attention, affection, and care .. but it 'always' tends to taper off to coldness once again. And the more attention and care I show her the faster she gets this way. Are you sure it's not just that I'm not enough of a challenge for her? And the only thing that makes me a challenge is when I 'pretend' to lose interest?

[ConfewsdGuy]

I think the thing I'm missing here, is I'm not quite understanding the reasoning behind a woman acting hot and cold in the first place. I get that this is a part of her personality, but is it something she does on purpose as a form of manipulation, yet another game, or a test? Or is it something they can't really control from either boredom, lack of challenge like I previously asked, or something else entirely? Especially one who, as you say, does this as a part of their personality?

If I understood the reasoning behind it, or what's going on in a person's head that behaves this way maybe it'll make it easier for me to deal with it..

I guess what I'm saying is, is blowing hot and cold part of the "bs" I should be calling her on?

[oldskool83]

let it go, your never gonna know this until your a women. want the short version...she got sand in her vag and got stupid....commin issue. next!