am i being selfish??

[gigigi]

hi everyone,
thanks for reading- i really need some advice right now. basically, the situation is this: my bf and i have been together for 5 years. all of this time we have lived in the same city, but not together. right now we are temporarily long distance, as i am doing a contract job in another city, but it is only for a 3-4 month term, after which i will move back to the original city. the plan was for us to live together after i get back to the original city. i don't like it there in that city and don't see myself living there in the future, and as my employment situation is somewhat up in the air, i was planning to use the summer to try to find permanent work in an area of the country that i love and have been dreaming of moving to. he knows about this, as i have said many times that i want to get out of the city we're living in, i want to look for work elsewhere, what does he think about it, etc. he has seemed on board with this, but at the same time he is extremely reluctant to leave. he moved here from latin america about 8 years ago and is very attached to his community in our city (in fact, he was supposed to already be living in the apartment that i was living in before and that we were/are going to live in together when i get back, but he instead is staying in a tiny room with friends in his original neighborhood). also, his mother and younger brother have been living in his country of birth, and they are now in the process of coming to the u.s. i'm happy for him that they are coming, but this means that he wants everyone to stay in the original city, live near each other, etc. i feel like his dream is for us to settle down around there, live really near/with his family, and start our own family. while i do really like them (have met them several times when traveling to his country), the culture is different there, and i would not feel comfortable living with them or spending all time with them. also, i don't want to give up my dreams and everything that i want to please him and his family. i would really resent him if this happened. i have nothing against them and get along well with them, but i do not want to live with them or spend all my time with them, and i feel like he wants to squeeze me into his vision of the future without taking into account what i want- and i know he feels the same way about me, that i am trying to squeeze him.
is there any way to reconcile this situation? the thought of staying in the same place, spending so much time with his family, and never leaving makes me feel really trapped. we got into a horrible fight about this last night and i don't know what to do. if i were single, i would move with basically no hesitation, but i love him and i want to make this work.

[smackie9]

No. You both have different relationship expectations. When you are making steps towards marriage, you are making steps to be apart of their family....with marriage and or a serious relationship, it is a package deal. There is no sense in breaking his family and community bond...that is just his culture. I doubt he will bend on this especially with family moving to stay permanently. He may have said he was on board, but that may have been said to pacify you for fear of losing you....but you can now see the truth in this matter that he is pretty firm in what he wants.

If you love him that much, you have to make the sacrific to stay in the city he is so fond of if he will not compermise. You have to decide on your true happiness....being with him, or living somewhere else with a job you love. Just imagine what your future will look like with both sinarios...list the pros an cons......see what fulfills your expectations the most.

[gigigi]

thank you for your reply. what you said makes a lot of sense, even though it's hard to swallow...i do love him, but he just comes with so much family baggage. it's not just the time/living arrangement/culture issue, there are also financial obligations and other problems concerned. i feel like he expects me to just automatically accept all of this because we're together, but it's not the same situation i grew up with and i feel resentful at thought of accepting so many restrictions and stresses from outside (not even from him as an individual, but from his broader family situation). i believe we would be so much happier living more independently, but you're right- that's my perspective, and i can't expect to change his thoughts on this.

[smackie9]

To me it almost smells a little suspicious. It's like he is using you as leverage to help secure his family's residence in your counrty. I would think seriously about this......sometimes you have to look out for #1 and that's YOU.

[gigigi]

i will have to do some serious thinking about what i really want...i'm not involved in his family's immigration process, so it's not malicious or anything on his part- he just can't understand why i don't share his view of the future on this and gets extremely offended if i try to bring it up...

[dem862]

Part of being with someone of a different culture is learning about and being open to their cultural way of life. These ways are deeply ingrained and difficult to change. This goes for him as well as you. However, you are the one changing the plans now. He doesn't have to accept your change of plans, but you are free to change your mind, too. This sounds like drama of your making. Are you trying to make him choose between you and his family. That does seem a little selfish to me. Maybe you just need to be with an American dude with no family ties?

[gigigi]

thank you for your reply. i would never want to make him choose between me and his family- i guess i just didn't think far enough ahead and we didn't discuss this as we should have. since we have a lot in common on a personality level, we were both overlooking or ignoring cultural differences, and i did not consider the ramifications of what it would mean for our future, which was stupid of me and selfish too i guess. i was always clear with him that i was staying where we are now for school and i always said i would want to leave right after i was done...guess i need to rethink that now...

[bulrush]

Does your bf expect you to stay home and make lots of babies? This is a very common part of Hispanic culture, especially for immigrants from another country. The immigrants tend to be very macho and patriarchical. And that means conservative and close-minded. Just be on the lookout for this. His lack of understanding of your views is an indicator of his closed mind.

[gigigi]

thank you for your reply bulrush. no, he has always been super supportive and likes that i have career goals, which is something i love about him...it's more the family issue. he said i was selfish and full of myself for thinking my ideas about our future are better than his, but it's not necessarily that i think they're better- it's just that i can't make myself excited about decisions or lifestyle and obligations that i'm not excited about and actually really don't want

[smackie9]

Personally I wouldn't sacrific my happiness or my future for someone else. If you accept his way, you will learn to resent him after awhile and the relationship will fail anyways. He knew what you have in mind for the future....I feel it is him that is selfish to make you put your plans on hold for him and family.......he is putting himself and his family over you.....

[smackie9]

What you could suggest is that you carry on with your plans, and when he is done with his family obligation he can come join you.

[IndiReloaded]

Are you being selfish? Yes. Are you being reasonable? Yes.

Selfishness is not always a bad thing. I also think you should continue with your plans. Take the longterm view.

[gigigi]

thank you all for your great advice. i guess in a way he and i are both being selfish in the sense of each having our own particular hopes and vision for the future- which everyone has- it's just tough that ours conflict. i agree that for me to be to totally selfless in this situation could also lead me to be really unhappy and resentful towards him, which would ruin our relationship anyway. i will see what shapes up in terms of my job situation after my contract work is over...maybe i should start looking for jobs based in our original city but with *lots* of travel to better places (if that exists lol)

[madotnw_nihs]

I am sort of in the same situation but not as entrenched. My Fiance's mother is immigrating from Asia. When she gets here and lives with us, there will be
complications and some financial burden. It won't be that bad because I am not constrained to any particular city and my Fiance has a brother that she could
live with for a while. But I totally understand how you feel that we won't be independent. I have thought about it almost everyday if this is what I wanted. I pictured both scenarios: with and without her and her baggage. After my conclusion, I proposed to her. My advice is to really picture the scene with him and
his family around quite a bit. If you can stomach it and be happy, then go for it. It may be selfish to back out, but your happiness is key here.

[gigigi]

thank you, i really appreciate your perspective. the worst part to face is that lack of independence.... he and i talked about it and he said he understood that it would mean a sacrifice for me, that he was me to be happy and for us to find some kind of resolution where we both get our needs met...even though the situation is far from resolved, it felt good to hear that- before i was feeling like he just expected me to automatically go along with it and was a horrible person for not being 100% on board...