should i meet him/we met/ i almost ruined it- like usual

[Agave]

BACK STORY:
I started talking to this guy online over a YEAR ago now. It was originally thought I would be moving back to my hometown (where he lives) so I looked online at that time for people to talk to from there, with the idea I'd know someone once I moved. I didn't move when planned, but we kept talking. We usually talk every day via text/MSN and maybe once a week chat on the phone. When we first started talking, I was a lot smaller, so he saw those pics from when I was around 160lbs. Regardless, we have many of the same interests, have about the same personality type and seem to get along well. We talk about most everything and consider each other friends.

Recently, I have moved to the same town as him. He has asked me to meet him and I kept saying yeah we will, the main thing holding me back is my weight (at this moment, 238lbs). A little while ago I was honest and I told him that since we had started talking, I had gained weight. I flat out said I am apprehensive to meet him because of my weight. He said 'it didn't matter to him'...he has seen pics of me how I am now and I guess the pics don't show just how large I am, so he keeps telling me I am not fat. I'm realistic and I know how I look. I wanted to meet him and think we might get along well, but I don't want him to open up that door and go holy ****!!! I have told him that I am dieting and working out and that I won't be the same size in 6 months as I am now...and he kinda brushes off what I say. It kind of bothers me that I am trying to be honest with him so he won't be shocked out of his mind, and he doesn't believe me.

Fast forward a week, and we met. We were supposed to meet in a few days and hang out for a long period of time but I told him I would prefer a quick meet before then to see if we get along. No sense meeting up with someone and having to stick around when you don't get along.

Anyways, he mentioned to me he was going to grab something quick to eat, so I offered to pick him up, drive him there and drop him back off home. Just something really quick, and we could chat while we drive. It went ok, I was very nervous, he said he wasn't too nervous. He is shy so I just kept trying to keep the conversation going. He asked if I was still going to meet up with him later this week. And by the end we were joking around and seeming to get along. When I went to drop him off at his house he made a comment about his place and asked if I wanted to come in to see it. I said no.

He texted me about 5 minutes later asking me if I had relaxed yet. I couldn't help it and I replied so I'm a pretty big fatty eh? And he replied how he couldn't tell, it was dark in the vehicle. I said you can still tell if someone is big or not!!

FAST FORWARD A FEW DAYS:
I had texted him in the morning, asking if it was still okay that I come over. He said yes, that the invitation was still there. Then for some reason I texted him in the afternoon to make sure that I could come over, he again said yes. Then for whatever reason, I texted him again in the evening. I think I was expecting him to text me to confirm that I was still coming over, but he didn't. So I explained to him that I thought he would be asking me what time I would be coming and he FREAKED OUT! He asked me how many times I needed to confirm he was wanting me to come over, and obviously it was clear I didn't want to come over, and that he wasn't going to beg me to come over. Then he told me he didn't want to see me tonite, and not to show up because he wouldn't answer the door.

I know him pretty well, and he has told me he can have a (non-violent) bad temper sometimes, and if he ever gets angry, he gets ANGRY, but to leave him alone for a bit and he calms down. So I tried to leave him alone. We texted a bit late in the evening and he said he was less mad at me, and him being angry at me wouldn't affect later hangings out. He seems to put up with my insanity pretty good, and I can deal with him freaking out. I did pretty much provoke it. It is obviously his personality, and it's easier to accept people as they are than to try to change them!

He is a very honest, straight forward person and will definitely let you know when he doesn't like something or is angry. When I start acting silly about things, he usually shuts me right down, and I need someone like that. Do you think that if he is putting up with all my BS, that he is interested in me at all (in any capacity)? How do I calm the hell down?

[searock]

You sound way too insecure. He told you he wants you to come over, it means he wants you to come over. Guys are straightforward like that. The thing about it being too dark in the vehicle to see you was probably a lie. If he still wants to see you after the first meeting, it means he is ok with the way you look. Obviously he freaked out at your extreme insecurities. You may want to get some counseling to help you overcome them.

One thing: are you 100% sure he doesn't just want to have sex with you and then never call you again (or something)?

[Boisdevie]

He obviously doesn't mind you being morbidly obese but some men get off on that. He probably does mind that you're insecure.

[Agave]

Well, as I said, and said to him, I am working out 6-7 days a week and eating well. I have lost 25lbs in 3 months, and more is coming off. I have never looked like I weight as much as the scale says anyways. I asked a couple people to guess how much I weigh and they all said 180lbs. Weight has always been a struggle for me, but I will get back down to 150lbs again!

We have been talking for over a year, and have really gotten to know each other as people and consider each other friends. I finally moved back to the town he lives in, and I told him I just want to spend time together as friends for the first while. He was fine with that. I really don't think he just wants to have sex and not talk to me again. It would make no sense for him to spend all the time talking to me when there was a chance we COULDN'T meet and then drop me once we finally do meet and have sex (if that ever happens). He could have found someone else long ago that was closer to him if he wanted sex. I would think so anyways.

I guess I will just chill out and believe in what he tells me from now on! Thanks for the replies.

[Wakeup]

Well, as I said, and said to him, I am working out 6-7 days a week and eating well. I have lost 25lbs in 3 months, and more is coming off. I have never looked like I weight as much as the scale says anyways. I asked a couple people to guess how much I weigh and they all said 180lbs. Weight has always been a struggle for me, but I will get back down to 150lbs again!

We have been talking for over a year, and have really gotten to know each other as people and consider each other friends. I finally moved back to the town he lives in, and I told him I just want to spend time together as friends for the first while. He was fine with that. I really don't think he just wants to have sex and not talk to me again. It would make no sense for him to spend all the time talking to me when there was a chance we COULDN'T meet and then drop me once we finally do meet and have sex (if that ever happens). He could have found someone else long ago that was closer to him if he wanted sex. I would think so anyways.

I guess I will just chill out and believe in what he tells me from now on! Thanks for the replies.

I really don't think he just wants to have sex and not talk to me again. It would make no sense for him to spend all the time talking to me when there was a chance we COULDN'T meet and then drop me once we finally do meet and have sex

You don't even know this man. For all you know he's been having lots of sex with women in the area while he continued to talk to you. It doesn't take much time or effort to keep someone interested online.

... That and the fact that he's told you (an insecure gal) that he has a bad temper and you've actually witnessed a bit of that (because you kept needing his reassurance) gives me a vibe that indicates that you need to be, at the very least, quite cautious about things with this guy until you actually get to know him through one-on-one interaction. Forget all the emails and MSN convos.. that was all just words and there were absolutely no actions to back them up. If he shows you red flags and/or words that don't match his actions more times than not, don't let your (current) lack of self-worth dictate that you stay with him just because you invested in a year of online flirtations and fantasy thoughts of him...

Keep up the good work on your fitness routine and weight loss regiment. Kudos...

[Agave]

Oh I totally agree with being cautious. That's why I told him I only want to hang out as friends for awhile so we can get to know each other. I know that talking online and talking in person are worlds different. We started talking just initially as friends because I didn't know when I would be able to move. I wasn't this naive girl who thought 'oh this is the love of my life and when I move there everything with him will be great!' It wasn't like that at all. We were just talking as friends through MSN which migrated to texting and talking on the phone. We have never ever talked about how things will be 'when we are together' because it isn't like that. At that point it was geared toward friendship and not relationship. We talk about our common interests and share stories and give each other advice. He has told me all about his past relationships, and I have no reason not to believe him. Not saying he couldn't be banging chicks all he wants, I'm just saying from the type of person he has shown me to be, he isn't the type to sleep around. I have a tendency to muddle things up by having sex too soon with the person and not getting to know them well enough, and I won't be making that mistake again. And who knows, we may just end up as friends only. And that would be fine, too.

But I do appreciate your reply. You gave good information!

[oneandonly]

...I have a tendency to muddle things up by having sex too soon with the person and not getting to know them well enough....

So, you know yourself very well then wouldn't it be wise to keep yourself away from that temptation? Perhaps hang out outside, going for walks, coffee, movie and etc than coming over his place?

Online persona is a really figment of your imagination, I mean, the majority of it. Whatever that person says or you say, it's best to get the feel for each other in person.

Why don't you spend more time doing things together outside your/his home and see how well you two get along in real life?

[Agave]

Well, that is the plan anyways, to be friends first and that would include doing things outdoors or in public, definitely. But I also have the ability to say 'no', as well

[Wakeup]

I have a tendency to muddle things up by having sex too soon with the person and not getting to know them well enough, and I won't be making that mistake again.

Well, that is the plan anyways, to be friends first and that would include doing things outdoors or in public, definitely. But I also have the ability to say 'no', as well

Then why would you meet at his house to hang out before you've really even done anything together while in public?

You've only had "one quick meet" (at least that's what it looks like from what you'ved shared) why would you be meeting up at his house so soon? Why not keep your meets to doing things together away from the "temptation" as Oneandonly suggests? According to the first quote, your "ability to say no" isn't all that strong. It will be easier for both of you if neither of you are confusing the other by hanging out at each others place/bedroom/couch/etc.

[Agave]

We both enjoy watching UFC, he was ordering the pay per view so we could both watch it.

[Agave]

I went to hang out at his house tonite. It was the first time we spent actual time together. I KNOW I am a grown woman and I should KNOW this stuff, but I am clueless. How can I tell if he might be into me more than a friend? He is shy, so I'm not sure if he would ever flat out tell me or give me hints so I'd figure it out?

We just hung out and watched some movies and played some video games. I normally feel very nervous around guys, but I felt really at ease around him. We have a lot in common, and seemed to be able to relax and joke around with each other. I made some stupid joke and he threw a blanket at me, He hit me on the top of my knee/thigh a few times, and I commented on how strong I was and he grabbed my wrists and obviously I couldn't get away, then I pinched him and he started trying to pinch me all over my legs. It's weird, but it felt like we had hung out 100 times before. I KNOW this sounds all very juvenile behavior, but what could I take from this?

I know I can't rush anything and this is the first time we hung out at length, but I just don't want to allow myself to start to like him if it isn't reciprocal.

[Boisdevie]

Perhaps I'm a bit of an old fart but when I fancy a woman the idea of pinching them on the leg/ankle/wherever is not on my 'to do' list.
If I fancy them then I try to hug them, kiss them - get the idea?
Your date sounds juvenile to the extreme - you say your a grown woman but seriously - video games? For me a date should be something 'grown up' like a walk, drinks in a cafe, dinner. Video games? Jeez.

[Agave]

Well, I didn't say it was a DATE, we were just hanging out. There's a difference.

[Wakeup]

Well, I didn't say it was a DATE, we were just hanging out. There's a difference.

Why would you agree to "hang out?" Why not a real date? You know, you teach people how to treat you and now he's set the pace for your meets to be just like the first one. Next time he asks you over tell him you'd rather do something together outside of his place. Then suggest something where you can talk and get to know one another. If he hedges or turns the convo back to you going to his place, then you have some thinking to do as to whether or not he's actually serious or mature enough or motivated enough to court you for more then the "try to get her in the bedroom" stage.

[Agave]

Like I have said, I have told him I wanted to get to know him as friends first and see what happens. I suggested to come to his place because I knew he would be shy and being in his own environment might help him relax a little. He did ask me what I wanted to do, insinuating we could 'go out' and do something, but I said we could just hang out at his place.