How to deal with this aggression?

[DreamingSoul]

Not really sure how to start this off. I've posted on and off about this subject so the story is particularly long on how everything got started, but I guess I could start off with the main topic.

Me and my boyfriend's best girl friend absolutely don't like each other.

This little fued between us was never this big until just three months ago. Me and my boyfriend had broken for a week out of a whole year of being together. (We were pretty close and had actually known each other for a lot longer, just never really became friends until we started talking.) During this week his best friend (Let's call her Hayley), had decided that after just a couple of days, that it would be ok to confess to my boyfriend how much she really liked him for the whole year we had been dating.

Now, before we had broken up for that week, me and my boyfriend had issues over their friendship. In the beginning I never minded it. I wanted to become her friend too, but she started coming over to his family's house so often over the year and grew close to them. They invited her to camping trips, spending the nights over, and even to family reunions. Even if I wasn't there. Not to mention her and my boyfriend were actually pretty close as friends. Needless to say I got jealous. Over the edge really. I had enough, but I couldn't just tell my boyfriend to stop being friends with her. That wasn't right. I never liked situations like that, but at the same time I just kept realizing how much I just didn't like her. Her overall personality. We're complete opposites, so I always felt out of the picture whenever she would hang out with us. So yeah, we would argue about her quite often. Wasn't the whole reason we had broken up though.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I did make up and decided to work things out. Yet the night we did, his best friend had gotten mad at both of us for getting back together and chewed my boyfriend out for leading her on, when really SHE was the one who had asked for it. Her and my boyfriend are back to being buddies now, however, it is now very clear how we feel on both ends and everyone knows. Neither of us can be in the same room anymore since then. My boyfriend and his family try hard to keep us apart now.

Now all she does is ask my boyfriend, anytime she gives him a present or hangs out with him for a day, "So, did your girlfriend bitch at you for hanging out with me?"

......Sorry, but nothing pisses me off more. I only ever get mad at her, not him. She really does hide whenever she sees me. (Been in awkward situations that had involved her hiding in the garage at his parents house cause they invited her over to hang out at the same time my boyfriend invited me over .___.) I never take it out on him. She talks trash about me, saying how all I ever do is pout and that I really don't deserve my boyfriend. I do too, but only when my boyfriend tells me what she says. That I always made him miserable when I did. My boyfriend does defend me (I trust him) and actually complains more about her than anything, but has told me that the reason she says all she does and the reason why she hates me to begin with is because she's afraid i'm going to ruin their friendship.

I never wanted to. I never tried to, but after a whole year of feeling like his family didn't want me dating their son. After a whole year of feeling like I should be just like her, and taking her "friendly" insults, I had enough. Not to mention she had also tried getting "dirt" on me from an old ex of mine a long time ago, just to see what I was really like. That hurt me a lot. It was none of her buisness and I never got much of an apology. What else am I suppose to do? I love my boyfriend. His happiness is my everything. I've never been close to anyone like this before. I never tried to, and i'm not going to now. I'm letting them stay friends now, despite all this horrible drama.

Overall, i'm tired of hearing about how much I bitch at my boyfriend. I'm tired of still feeling jealous whenever they hang out without me there. I don't think i've ever wanted to punch someone more than I do now. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I want to confront her, but I know I won't get anything out of her. The only thing it will lead to is an actual fight.

Any advice? It would be greatly appreciated~

[tmc92ic]

Your situation is exactly like the one I am going through now with the exception that the genders are reversed.

For months, I have been telling my girlfriend I didn't like her new bestfriend Jeff. She summed it up as me being jealous. Every fight we would have for the next few months would be about him. She would always tell me that they are just friends and nothing more. I asked advice on this forum and people told me to leave her and that she is indeed having an emotional afair with this guy. I chose not to believe the advice and believe my girlfriend instead because I was blinded by love.

Just today I got ****ing fed up with all of it. I pulled all the texts, voicemails, and phone records off her phone using some pro-hacking. After she left I sat down and read every last message from anywhere I was mentioned.

What I found out made me want to literally kill myself or do something stupid. she had...

1.) Made out with him in the past while we were dating.
2.) For the last two weeks I had been with her, she has pretty much been dating him.
3.) Every word out of her mouth was a lie despite how convincing it was.

The emotion I am experiancing right now is beyond a heart break, it's the same gut feeling except you don't feel the loss of love, you feel nothing but anger and madness.

My advice, is this.

a.) Leave him now and suffer a small heart ache (compared to the one you will feel when he cheats). You will have thoughts about getting back together. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT get back together. Just erase him out of your life. Get over it and look for love in someone else.

b.) Continue to date him. See how it turns out. BUT while dating him, flirt with other guys and find yourself a back up plan because this relationship will fail. The main advantage to this is that since youve already found a replacement you wont hurt when you break up.

If he really loves you and wants to be with you. Then he would cut all comunications with this girl and continue his life with you. If he says he wants to just be friends her and its nothing. Then leave. It is a lie.

[Boisdevie]

I have a girlfriend.
I love her.
I'm faithful.
I don't 'hang out' with other women.

Get the message?

[VincenzoG91]

Yeah, if he really cared about you, he wouldn't be hanging out with her all the time. He is stringing you both along because he is loving all the attention. Don't even waste time with an ultimatum, just stop talking to him and move on.

[madotnw_nihs]

Yeah, Just tell him "it's you or her". It will never work this way.

[DreamingSoul]

It's not that he is. I trust him with how he feels. Sometimes I would say he's the biggest idiot i've ever known, but I still love him. I know how he is and how he reacts. Situations like these aren't very good on him and he gets really stressed because he doesn't want to lose either of us.

He does complain about her a lot, but I do get confused whenever he says that in the end she is still a good friend because she is there for him and she does worry about him. It drives me crazy when he says that. Really? I wouldn't call her a good friend at all.

I'm at a loss at what to do. This anger towards her is getting worse the more I hear "So, did your girlfriend bitch at you for hanging out with me again?" That's enough to set me on fire. She really does practically hide whenever she sees me out of fear i'm going to bitch at him. She wouldn't even drive him off at my house once (I couldn't pick him up out of car trouble so I had to give in and ask him to ask Hayley to give him a ride.) Because she was afraid I was going to yell at him.

It's gotten to point it's ridiculous. I never asked for this and it's driving me crazy.

[Boisdevie]

Look dear, you have done exactly what so many do on this forum. You ask for our advice. We give it. Then you ignore it. Most of us seem to be telling you to drop this man or give him an ultimatum.
Here's my second piece of advice. Just ignore us and keep on what you're doing and enjoy all that pain and upset. Because that's all you're gonna get from this untenable situation.

[bulrush]

Sounds like Hayley is annoying, and you are choosing to take part in her little game. Ignore her. If your boyfriend is telling you what Hayley said, ask him to stop. Her opinion doesn't matter. I would never go camping with a girl who wasn't my girlfriend. If a girl like Hayley wanted to sleep in my tent, that means she has a romantic interest in me. So, if I have a gf, then I would not allow her in my tent. That just sounds odd, that she does all these things with your boyfriend's family.

It sounds like your boyfriend's family might be nice, but they don't understand boundaries.

[DreamingSoul]

Look dear, you have done exactly what so many do on this forum. You ask for our advice. We give it. Then you ignore it. Most of us seem to be telling you to drop this man or give him an ultimatum.
Here's my second piece of advice. Just ignore us and keep on what you're doing and enjoy all that pain and upset. Because that's all you're gonna get from this untenable situation.

........
Thing is this is my situation. This is my boyfriend. I know more about it and more about him then anyone thinks they do here. My boyfriend would never hurt me on purpose and he would never use me. He's a big flirt, yes, but I know how he feels because he's proved it to me many times in the past.

All of you are just saying he is eventually going to cheat. He's not that type of person. I think that even from this little break up we had three months ago he's even toned down all of his friendly flirting towards Hayley and the rest of his friends that are girls. The reason why he hasn't given up the friendship towards her is because I know how he'd feel guilty in the end because he promised he'd always be a friend to her. Even if that does bug the crap out of me sometimes, it's how his mind works. He's a kid at heart who doesn't want to lose any of his friends, no matter how stupid they may be. It's part of why I fell in love with him.

WHY I came here in the first place is to get some advice on how to handle my anger towards her instead of bursting it out as pouting towards my boyfriend. That's what killed our relationship last time. She was the main problem in our relationship cause I couldn't let the jealousy go, it was a repeating issue. I want to stop caring about her.

I get urges to read their texts all the time, but always have to focus on something else. I always want to know what she has to say about me. Needless to say I have a problem and I want it to stop. I will talk to my boyfriend about not saying anything else and have already asked him to not ever confirm whether or not I have yelled at him when she asks because it's none of her business to begin with. It still never stops my mind from wandering though....

[DreamingSoul]

Sounds like Hayley is annoying, and you are choosing to take part in her little game. Ignore her. If your boyfriend is telling you what Hayley said, ask him to stop. Her opinion doesn't matter. I would never go camping with a girl who wasn't my girlfriend. If a girl like Hayley wanted to sleep in my tent, that means she has a romantic interest in me. So, if I have a gf, then I would not allow her in my tent. That just sounds odd, that she does all these things with your boyfriend's family.

It sounds like your boyfriend's family might be nice, but they don't understand boundaries.

Honestly, the more she kept coming over the more she kept getting annoying to me. It never felt right when she would spend the night but the only responses I would get from my boyfriend or his family is that i'm just thinking about it too much and the whole factor about what difference does it make if she is a boy or a girl? She's a friend of the family! :/ Not to mention how she got so close to his mom and dad whenever I couldn't out of pure shyness....it made me feel like I wouldn't fit in at all. Like I had to be just like her. My boyfriend tried convincing me otherwise, but it got where I would automatically go into depression whenever she would hang out with him and his family.

She never tried sleeping with my boyfriend, lol. We all had separate beds and me and my boyfriend would mainly sleep as close as we could towards each other. It was mainly friendly flirting back and forth, but enough of it to make me sick.

I love his family. They are always really welcoming, which is a great thing, but also a fault of theirs when it came to Hayley. They would annoy me whenever they would invite her along and hang out with her. Thankfully now it's rare they invite her over. His mom and her still text though.

What bugs me the most though, is this whole fact that nobody really understood how I felt, besides my friends and family. My boyfriend, his family, and Hayley would all just say that I needed to get over it. What was I suppose to do? I kept seeing her everytime I came over! She would always invite herself over! She never understood what I felt, no matter how many times she said she did, she really didn't. Even now. She just doesn't get it and it's making me irritated to the point I can't wait to hit her one day.

[VincenzoG91]

What does Hayley's boyfriend think of the situation? Does she even have a boyfriend of her own?

[vashti]

What does Hayley's boyfriend think of the situation? Does she even have a boyfriend of her own?

Of course she does. His name is "dreamingsoul's BF".

[DreamingSoul]

What does Hayley's boyfriend think of the situation? Does she even have a boyfriend of her own?

She use to actually. The dated for three years, but he kept ignoring her mostly for his friends and hardly ever came around. She never visited him much either whenever he was free. He was basically a free loader. Hayley, her boyfriend and my boyfriend actually use to be three best friends but I guess whenever their Junior year of high school came around my boyfriend and hayley's ex boyfriend started to stop hanging out and Hayley started hanging out with my boyfriend more. He did get upset about like I did a few times, but never cared much to do anything.

They eventually broke up around the year me and my boyfriend were dating. I guess she wanted what me and my boyfriend had and was jealous of the fact her boyfriend never wanted to spend any time with her anymore. At least, that's the conclusion my boyfriend came up with. Thats was why she started liking him so much. She saw the way he treated me and wanted that attention.

Funny thing is, is that my boyfriend admitted a long time ago they he did use to have a crush on her way back when they became friends, but she never thought of him like that and dated his best friend instead. Needless to say his crush on her ended and he just thought of her as a friend until we dated. THEN she wanted him after realizing how sweet he was :/

Wasn't really all that fair.

[Wakeup]

It's not that he is. I trust him with how he feels. Sometimes I would say he's the biggest idiot i've ever known, but I still love him. I know how he is and how he reacts. Situations like these aren't very good on him and he gets really stressed because he doesn't want to lose either of us.

No effing kidding.... O.o

You need to learn how to share him then. Can you do that without the resentment and jealousy and being left while he spends his time with her? If you can't then just show him the curb now before your nagging sends him running into her arms. Everytime you complain, nag, question what she said you confirme to him (even if sub-consciously) that the beotch is right in what she says about you.

Newsflash: This is your boyfriend who is choosing to keep her in his life while he disrespects you. It's not his female friend that is causing this rift between you and he. When you realize and accept that fact, you'll be able to tell him that it's no longer acceptable to you that he and his family would much rather have her at the family functions than you and you'll simply leave for someone who doesn't balance two women on equal par.

[VincenzoG91]

I suppose a threesome is out of the question.