Need Your Advice Again, Please

[Amber2011]

Quick recap. I'm a widow in my 50s. Last time I posted, I met a chap from an online dating site. He was nice enough but it was obvious there would never be anything between us and we never contacted each other again.

However, since then I started writing to another chap. We have so many common interests that it was uncanny, even down to both our children (adults) having serious health problems. We started phoning each other and got on really, really well. We have the same likes and dislikes and both of us are musicians, playing the same instruments.

Yesterday we met for the first time and it was a disaster. I made the cardinal sin of meeting him in his home - something I warn others not to do, but as I'm a highly trained Martial Artist, don't have the same fear that others do. It went wrong from the start. He didn't reply to my last e-mail which I thought was odd as he usually responded fairly quickly. He didn't phone either, so my son suggested I phone him which I did. He seemed to be very surprised that I phoned him. I had to drive quite a distance to get there and he was quite shocked but delighted that I'd actually turned up.

Unfortunately, he is one of those types that moves very quickly and immediately invaded my personal space. Now that is something I don't like, no matter who it is and it put my back up. Anyway, I decided to see how things progressed and up to a point it did. We played some music together and I felt myself relax a bit. We talked a lot about the medical problems our kids had had and how they coped with them but things started to go downhill when I started to feel quite ill. Eventually I decided to go home. He'd bought in something to make a meal with and I had to turn this down.

He said he could sense I didn't want to be with him which was partly true because I thought he came on far too strong but the biggest reason was I did, genuinely feel like death warmed up. I'm one of those people who prefers to take time to get to know someone properly before taking it to the next level - something I thought I made clear prior in our e-mails and phone conversations. Obviously, not clear enough!

Anyway, I left and I knew I'd really hurt his feelings. As it was, I had to stop the car several times on the way home. Even today, I am still not feeling 100%.

I have mixed feelings about this man. On one hand, having so much in common, we could have had a very good relationship. On the other, I think he could be too controlling and possessive (for those of you into star signs, he's a Scorpio and I'm a Sagittarius).

My son thinks that I fall for the wrong men (been married 3 times, divorced twice and widowed once) and that because someone showed me affection, he thinks it scared me off. Maybe he's right.

One other thing is the distance between us. Neither of us have much in the way of finances so it would make meeting very difficult, especially for me.

Your advice - and take on this - would be greatly appreciated.

[Boisdevie]

If the distance is a problem then the only solution is to find somebody closer to home. And DO NOT meet anyone for the first time in their home. Always meet in a neutral and safe place. Also, what do you mean by him invading your personal space? Do you mean he tried to get physical?

[Amber2011]

If the distance is a problem then the only solution is to find somebody closer to home. And DO NOT meet anyone for the first time in their home. Always meet in a neutral and safe place. Also, what do you mean by him invading your personal space? Do you mean he tried to get physical?

Yes. He did try and get physical but not in a violent or nasty way. He's one of those "touchy-feely" people, wanted to hold hands, hug, cuddle which I do like but definitely not on a first date, or even second or thirds. Like my late husband. When we first met (we met through work), we were friends for a long time then realised the friendship had deepened into something more so we started seriously dating. Even then, it was a couple of months before we got to the sit on the sofa cuddling stage. We took time to get to know each other and were together 12 years, married for 7 of them before he died.

This chap yesterday seemed to just want to cut all that out and go straight for a full-on relationship.

Basically, he moved too fast and scared me off!!!

Shame really because the basis for a good relationship was there. He's not a bad looking man either, hasn't had an easy life (same as me) but still keeps hope. The way he looked at me I knew he really liked me, even going as far as to say, for him, it was love at first sight.

However, I keep people at a distance until I get to really know them. Maybe the fault lies with me. Maybe I want to take the lead too much, I don't know or maybe this man is not for me despite so much common ground, an instinct thing.

I do feel bad about the way things turned out yesterday. The fact that I didn't feel too good either (and still don't) didn't help. We both, the other day, deleted our accounts on the dating site we were on - and yes, he did delete his as I checked before I deleted mine so I do believe he was quite genuine in what he said and did. I don't think I will be rejoining that site and I am now beginning to think I'm destined for life on my own.

[bcgirl]

well you've met him and it was a disaster. Don't spend too much time on this one....go on to the next. It's like watching a preview for a movie that looked amazing and you couldn't wait to see it. When you finally do, it leaves you utterly disappointed. No point in watching part 2 because you know it will be even worse.

[Amber2011]

well you've met him and it was a disaster. Don't spend too much time on this one....go on to the next. It's like watching a preview for a movie that looked amazing and you couldn't wait to see it. When you finally do, it leaves you utterly disappointed. No point in watching part 2 because you know it will be even worse.

I'm no longer on that dating site and not sure I want to go back on it. Ironically, one of my friends met her husband on there and they've been together years and are a happy couple.

Snag is, I don't go out (financial constraints) and never been a lover of nightclubs and the like, so, apart from dating sites, where does one go to meet people?

There is a singles club locally but I've never been yet. My son's friend's mother is a member so later this evening I'm going to go round and have a word with her - she lives a few minutes away and see if I can go with her one evening.

I like the way you summed things up though and you are probably right. It does seem strange though that two people, with so much in common just don't gel. Oh well. That's life I suppose.

[Boisdevie]

Don't give up on dating sites because you've not found 'The One' yet - for people who don't get the opportunity to go to clubs, bars, university etc meeting people is not easy. I met my GF through a dating website and we've been together for 18 months so there's your proof that it can work. But simply talk to people for quite a while before meeting them in person.

[Amber2011]

Don't give up on dating sites because you've not found 'The One' yet - for people who don't get the opportunity to go to clubs, bars, university etc meeting people is not easy. I met my GF through a dating website and we've been together for 18 months so there's your proof that it can work. But simply talk to people for quite a while before meeting them in person.

This is one time we both thought we'd found "the one" but it wasn't to be. He came on too strongly for me despite my telling him friends first then see what develops. I suppose some folk are just plain impatient. Someone phoned me earlier this evening around 8.30pm. I have caller ID on my phone and it came up "number withheld". When I answered it, I could hear someone was there but they did not say anything. I think it was him but could have been a wrong number or something, although most folk that misdial usually apologise. I wondered if it was him and he bottled out of talking to me - or if I'm going to get a campaign of "silent phonecalls". I have not contacted him, indeed I deleted his phone number off my mobile phone, even though I did consider e-mailing him and explaining how I felt last night.

I'm now putting it down to one of those things. As for the dating site, I'll give that a miss for a while. Maybe sometime in the future I may rejoin but right now I've had enough of it.

[Boisdevie]

This is one time we both thought we'd found "the one" but it wasn't to be.

It sounds as though you were both very impatient - its very unlikely that you really would know that this is the one on a first meeting. I'm 48 and have NEVER realised that she was The One on a first meeting. For most people it doesnt happen like that. To be honest it sounds as though you are either a bit desperate OR you have been watching too many of those Sleepless in Seattle type films

[Amber2011]

To be honest it sounds as though you are either a bit desperate OR you have been watching too many of those Sleepless in Seattle type films

LOL. Definitely not desperate. If I'd been desperate, I could have jumped into bed with him etc. etc. Never seen Sleepless in Seattle either. Don't watch television and very seldom watch films.

We had so many common interests like we are both musicians. Common interest, we both play guitars and the same kind of music. We both like motorbikes. We both like camping. My son has had serious health issues, so has one of his kids (life threatening) and that's just a small sample of our common - and uncanny (because there's much more which I won't go into detail with) interests.

We could talk for hours on the phone and via e-mail. How on earth we didn't hit it off when we met is totally beyond me.

He is a nice man but just tried to rush things too much. I felt he was the desperate one and it scared me off. I wanted to take time to get to know him properly, be friends first and let things (hopefully) deepen. He wanted to make me his permanent girlfriend immediately, which, to my way of thinking was not a good idea because I felt he also needed to take time to get to know me and not rush in to a full-blown relationship.

Another thing. Never thought I'd ever say this to anyone and thank goodness for the anonimity of the internet, I haven't had sex for over 6 years and find now I am absolutely terrified of it. My late husband's illness put paid to that and that has a lot to do with things too.

To be honest, although I liked this man, when I met him, I didn't fancy him. Perhaps there lies the problem. Given time, that might have happened, but I guess I'll never know now.

[Boisdevie]

Perhaps it's a generational thing but my mum was widowed in her early 60s - ok not the same age as you but she got out there dating and it was amazing the amount of men who wanted her to move in at once. I just wonder whether some men (not all) of a certain age simply can't cope with being alone and really NEED somebody - so they get desperate and it ends up putting women off - quite rightly.
The other thing is that if you're scared of sex then you are going to have to find a man who's prepared to wait just however long it takes and to be honest many of us aren't prepared to do so. As I mentioned I'm 48 and even now if a woman doesn't seen interested in sex then after a while I'll either think she has a problem or isn't really into me. Either way = it's going nowhere. I'm not trying to criticise you or your decisions but if you have your personal demons to deal with then perhaps do that before you get out there again?

[Amber2011]

Perhaps it's a generational thing but my mum was widowed in her early 60s - ok not the same age as you but she got out there dating and it was amazing the amount of men who wanted her to move in at once. I just wonder whether some men (not all) of a certain age simply can't cope with being alone and really NEED somebody - so they get desperate and it ends up putting women off - quite rightly.
The other thing is that if you're scared of sex then you are going to have to find a man who's prepared to wait just however long it takes and to be honest many of us aren't prepared to do so. As I mentioned I'm 48 and even now if a woman doesn't seen interested in sex then after a while I'll either think she has a problem or isn't really into me. Either way = it's going nowhere. I'm not trying to criticise you or your decisions but if you have your personal demons to deal with then perhaps do that before you get out there again?

I think you're right. In the course of e-mail conversations, he did touch on that subject. He said where two houses are involved, one would have to give up and move.

Had the relationship gone anywhere, that would have been difficult, as his kid (although an adult she has really serious health problems) is under one good hospital and my son (also an adult) is under another good hospital. Both hospitals are specialist units and there's not many of them in the country.

I did think how we could have got round that problem had things developed and the only sensible solution might have been to both keep our houses and just split time between them. I know a couple in our street who have lived that way for years and are very happy.

Talked at length with my best friend (she's more like the sister I never had). She thinks that this man wasn't right for me despite all our shared interests. She thinks that if he'd been right for me I would have known it immediately I saw him.

Made me think back to when I first met my husband. We were comfortable with each other from the first time we met although it was many months before we got together. We just seemed to be on the same wavelength. The wavelength with this man just didn't connect, at least with me.

My son thinks I should write to this man and explain how I felt. I'm inclined to let sleeping dogs lie.

[Boisdevie]

I don't think there is anything wrong with writing to the guy in question because you can explain where you are coming from. And I know it's not easy when you can't go to a bar/nightclub etc. But continue with dating. Given time and discretion you can meet the one. I met Sophie and she lived 90 miles from me. In normal life we would never have met. But thanks to the 'net we met and now we are an item. So PLEASE don't give up.

[Amber2011]

I don't think there is anything wrong with writing to the guy in question because you can explain where you are coming from. And I know it's not easy when you can't go to a bar/nightclub etc. But continue with dating. Given time and discretion you can meet the one. I met Sophie and she lived 90 miles from me. In normal life we would never have met. But thanks to the 'net we met and now we are an item. So PLEASE don't give up.

I haven't given up but have left the site I was on. Not sure if I can mention it here but get the fishing rod out LOL. At least there was no charge for using this site. Others charge and are too expensive for me at the moment. I've had a look at a local singles dating site, but again, there's a charge to use it. I may rejoin that site sometime in the future, but not right now. I do feel a bit down about what happened at the weekend and he probably feels the same.

I'm not in a hurry to settle down with someone and the last thing I want to do is rush into a relationship. All things considered, I think I will write this one off to experience.

I'm glad you met a lovely lady and yes, I do know internet dating works. Friends of mine met on the site I've hinted at above and they've been married for a few years now and are still very happy so I suppose there's hope for me yet LOL.

[Amber2011]

And just to cap it all I had an accident last night and broke my wrist. Now in plaster. Ouch...aarrgghh. Not been my week LOL.

[Mathias]

I haven't given up but have left the site I was on. Not sure if I can mention it here but get the fishing rod out LOL. At least there was no charge for using this site. Others charge and are too expensive for me at the moment. I've had a look at a local singles dating site, but again, there's a charge to use it. I may rejoin that site sometime in the future, but not right now. I do feel a bit down about what happened at the weekend and he probably feels the same.

I'm not in a hurry to settle down with someone and the last thing I want to do is rush into a relationship. All things considered, I think I will write this one off to experience.

I'm glad you met a lovely lady and yes, I do know internet dating works. Friends of mine met on the site I've hinted at above and they've been married for a few years now and are still very happy so I suppose there's hope for me yet LOL.

I think you have the right perspective here, for what it's worth.