fellow guys... a little advice

[smackie9]

Read the first post. As you can see it's just a jealous husband talking. There is no evidence of anything going on, only what his imagination is telling him. They don't message much, and never really hung out together. They have a good work relationship and it hasn't gone any further than that. If the guy desires her, well that's just the norm with guys.....guys I work with desire me, but no one has ever acted on it ever. If I was single, then that would totally be a different scenario.

Emotional affairs is just like dating but without the sex....they would be meeting up for dinner, drinks and be in constant contact with each other, sending intimate messages....none of that is happening here. He needs to trust his wife period.

[searock]

It is possible that things are as you say, but I don't think we have enough data to completely rule out the possibility of something actually going on. I think he should investigate more, by asking direct questions to his wife and letting her know how uncomfortable her being in contact with the other guy makes him feel. A response like "don't be possessive like my ex" seems quite defensive to me - although that might be because of her previous negative experience with the ex. Still, she could've said something along the lines of "I understand your concern but I assure you there is nothing going on. Here, read our conversations, as you see he is just a friend". In either case, unless he has been pestering her with requests to cut contact with this guy, she should be more considerate of his feelings.

OP, are you "allowed" to read the conversations between your wife and her friend?

[smackie9]

I have a feeling she already did calmly tried to reassured him a few times....her last response was probably out of frustration with him. I dated a very jealous guy once....I know how it all goes down.

[HeartIsAching]

oh sure it's on my mind, I never like it but the fact that she texts me normally the entire time she is out and calls before she crashes and asks me to call early in the morning to wake her up (normally works the next morning) puts me more at ease. Fact is I know in a long distance marriage I have to trust my wife and I really do. Thing is that I know how men work and I don't trust them and as much as I trust my wife.... I've been around long enough (26 years) and been screwed over enough to not trust anyone much when they've been drinking.

Actually, this statement right here indicates that you do not trust your wife wholly. I'll explain:

If you trust your wife, it would not matter what the other guy does/says/wants with your wife, you will know that she won't. His isn't the only will in this. If he wants it and she doesn't, nothing will happen, period. However, you think that he may be trying, and you further think that she might give in.

This may be a valid concern, but it's not trust - accept that.

[smackie9]

I doubt very highly you would trust anyone that would be your wife. You are lucky your wife is not hiding anything from you, and has the patience to constantly reassure you. I've been around for 48 years and I know if you don't have trust in your marriage it become an unhealthy relationship. You will become another one of her exes if you keep this up.

[ChrisMac]

I doubt very highly you would trust anyone that would be your wife. You are lucky your wife is not hiding anything from you, and has the patience to constantly reassure you. I've been around for 48 years and I know if you don't have trust in your marriage it become an unhealthy relationship. You will become another one of her exes if you keep this up.

It all goes back to how happy your wife is with you. No man can make a woman cheat who doesn't want to cheat on her man. If she *is* thinking about him, it's either because you're overpossessive, or aren't showing her enough attention, or being clingy, or some other reason. If she isn't then your behavior is going to make her *start* thinking that way.

You need to have a very friendly "state of the union" with your wife where you surprise her, take her out, and in a loving, friendly, open way, say you want to talk about life and what makes her happy, and what makes her sad, and how to handle the LDR in the future. Once you know everything on her mind you can deal appropriately. She agreed to marry you. The other guy is not the issue here.

[oldskool83]

so let me get this right, you meet your wife off myspace? she wanted to go out with him before you but now your married to her? shes sitting at home alone all day with nothing better to do then play on facebook or myspace? why does she not live with you? things just dont add up to me and i read everything.

i think you need to bring the concern up to you wife and say its not cool activity, because im sure your better off with out the mind stress.

hes single and wants to hump your wife...its that simple, my friend did this with a married girl. not saying its right but morals dont mean shit in todays world unless your amish.

[bombboy85]

Ok so I'll hit a few of the previous posts as best I can

oldskool - me and my wife did not meet on myspace (the guy and her did years ago) me and my wife met in person and no my wife does not live with me because I am military stationed across the country and cannot move here because of custody reasons over her daughter between her and the father and we can't afford to go to court for it.

smackie - you are right and wrong yes she has told me before when I asked about this guy that she thinks he may be gay (only because he has never had a girlfriend which to me just makes me think he's a player), but also that she wouldn't date him for that reason. In my mind "I wouldn't date him" doesn't translate to "I wouldn't sleep with him". Also you said something about no sexual attraction, I know that is not true. She admitted the other night in our spat that he is hotter than me and she has told me in the past that before me and her ever met that she was interested in him and tried to meet him in person and maybe go on a date, she also (after giving me her password to an email account) has an old picture from a couple years that he sent her in her email of him that is no shirt on teasing pulling his pants down, and its not just there she deletes messages she doesn't need or want to keep. So there is sexual attraction.

[IndiReloaded]

has an old picture from a couple years that he sent her in her email of him that is no shirt on teasing pulling his pants down, and its not just there she deletes messages she doesn't need or want to keep. So there is sexual attraction.

Oh come on, this is completely inappropriate and you know it. Tell her this.

[Mathias]

not saying its right but morals dont mean shit in todays world unless your amish.

Oh come on.

[smackie9]

What I see is her using your insecurity of him as a weapon in this fight because you are being a tool. If she had intension of F ucking him she would have done it and not bothered to marry you in the first place. People can be sexually attracted to a co-worker but it doesn't mean they will act on it at anytime. If you can't handle this marriage then get the F uck out of it. Obviously you two have hit a wall on this. So why bother being married to her.

[bombboy85]

I can see you're argument smackie but all I told her was I am uncomfortable with him because of the things he has said in the past and she is the one that got pissed. She wanted to go out on a date with him and probably sleep with him in the past but whenever she tried to get him to meet up he never did. She went after him not the other way around in the past so you can't tell me if she was going to she would have, yes women can get it a lot more then guys but its not magic and they get whomever they want whenever. I never said I was worried about her acting on it, I even suggested the other night when she was bored looking for something to do to text him to show I trust her. I can handle being married and her even talking to him or hanging out sometimes, its little lies that started popping up about stupid things that bothers me.

[smackie9]

OK so now you say you are fine with them texting each other or hanging out together which you siad at the beginning they don't really do much of. So lets push all that aside and take a look at what she is lying about. So far she has shown you the pictures, texts, didn't hear about her sneaking around........so what exactly are the lies?

[bombboy85]

OK so now you say you are fine with them texting each other or hanging out together which you siad at the beginning they don't really do much of. So lets push all that aside and take a look at what she is lying about. So far she has shown you the pictures, texts, didn't hear about her sneaking around........so what exactly are the lies?

She hasn't shown me any of those, she mentioned what one conversation was about (about when they are going to get starbucks). She hasn't been sneaking out or anything but she can't show me them either because we are in a long distance marriage right now. The lies? Like I said I feel they are dumb little things she has no reason to lie to me about but first time I caught her in a lie was 2 days after valentines day, she told me she ordered a pizza for dinner and they brought the wrong one so they were bringing her a replacement when in actuality one of her old guy friends bought it for her the day before, so she lied to me about that for some reason. Over the weekend she was looking for friends to help with landscaping since I am not there to help right now and she told me she texted the guy I've been talking about in this whole post and later I asked if he ever got back to her and she said no which wasn't true and basically hides it when they text.

Then last is a couple nights ago she went to the gym after dropping her daughter off at the dad's house, She stayed on the phone with me while she parked, got out of the car and walked into the gym. Then she calls after she gets on the treadmill and asks if her ex bf checked in at the gym because she thought she saw him and thought oh crap now he's going to think I'm following him or something if he sees me. Then not 2 minutes after getting off the phone she checked in at the gym and when I asked about it she said she did it when she was parking and it took a while to post... I gave her the benefit of the doubt, whatever until the next night on the phone with me she tried to pull up facebook and told me all about how her phone won't connect to the internet at all when she is talking.

Now I know she is not sneaking around because our routine has me calling her early every morning partially to say good morning and partially to make sure she didn't sleep through her alarm and is up for work and then we typically talk on skype every night and either text or talk on the phone till i fall asleep since I'm 2 hours ahead of her.

[searock]

I think you're being paranoid about the phone at the gym thing. Not so much about the other two things though. Maybe she thinks they are "innocent" lies so that you don't worry since there is no reason to? I think you should tell her straight away when you are 100% sure that she lied.