Rates at Which Things Progress?

[wdfadude]

This may be a very loaded question or topic.

I realize that the phrase "you mileage may vary" applies to this, as every person, every couple and every situation is different.

But the question I ask is: what do you think are the typical times or points in a romantic relationship when things are "expected" to occur? I'm talking about milestones such as becoming exclusive (boyfriend/girlfriend), meeting parents, moving in together, engagement and marriage.

I ask this about what one would expect for a normal, healthy, vibrant relationship.

[bulrush]

I think it would be more accurate to base these steps on events, rather than time in certain cases.

- Becoming exclusive: as soon as you think they are a good fit for you. This takes talking about how they approach relationships, communication, sex, disagreements, and compromise. Let's say after 3-4 dates or so, you should know if they are a good fit.

- Meeting parents: I'd say after about 6 months or so.

- Moving in together: My rule is: never move in together unless you've been dating constantly for 12 months. So if you date for 8 months, break up for a month, then date for 4 months, you are not ready to move in together. (Never put BOTH people on the lease. It's too much trouble and expense to kick one out then.)

- Engagement: I usually date 1 year, then live together at least a year before getting engaged. If the girl pressures you to get engaged, she is not the one.

- Marriage: this all depends on how well you know the girl and what she's like. You have to put aside your emotions and really think "Does this person have all the skill that a long-term relationship will need? Do they have good communication and problem resolution skills? Or do they get defensive when talking about a sensitive topic?"

[Boisdevie]

Rule number one. There are no rules.
Rule number two. Read rule number one.

[wdfadude]

Bulrush, thank for your input. Boisdevie, I know there are no set rules of any kind. I was just looking for what everything here thought might be rough guidelines.

[IndiReloaded]

It depends on the maturity and experience of the partners involved, which is roughly proportional to age. How old are you both?

[wdfadude]

We are 42 and 39. Both of us have had fairly long first marriages to our exes (22-year relationship/16-year marriage, and 15-year relationship/12-year marriage), have been divorced in the past year and a half, and each of us have two kids. Neither of us are looking to rush into things. We've started dating almost a year ago.

[IndiReloaded]

Given your relationship history, not sure why you are asking about when things are 'expected' to occur. All bets are off if you both have children still in the home. Focus on them and take things slowly in your relationship. A year is not a long time to have known someone, particularly someone having gone through a divorce. This goes double since you are both split from your spouses. There is bound to be baggage no matter the circumstances.