Do Romantic Friendships work/last? Are they a good idea?

[MenCanScissor]

I have a friend that I recently met. She has a boyfriend already that she describes as lackluster, and he's also not very thoughtful or interesting I guess. I don't really know. She self-admittedly is the type of person that will pretty much ride out relationships, even if she's not all that happy with them. I really like her a lot. We have very similar personalities, very similar sense of humors, similar level of intelligence, are attracted to each other, etc.

My thought though is that we aren't compatible in other aspects: amount we work, activities, dietary habits (she is Vegan, I love meat), wanting kids, the fact that she would be talking to another guy on the side instead of breaking it off with her boyfriend. Regardless, I really enjoy spending time with her, talking with her, cuddling, and everything but physical stuff that I would consider making her cheat and don't want the bad karma associated with that.

My question is, is a romantic friendship like that a good idea? I want us to be friends no matter what, because I like her a lot, and we get along really well, but I don't want to date because it would likely fall apart and ruin the friendship. How long do you think a romantic friendship like that would last? At what point do I have to make it non-romantic? I'm recently coming out of a divorce, and this open ended relationship stuff is new to me.

[MenCanScissor]

I should also say I'm pretty sure I have no intention of ever being her boyfriend, because of our differences, though it is very hard to resist. So would a romantic friendship of any kind ever work? Or does it need to be platonic to ever last?

[dj454]

Just my opinion but if you are romantic with her and cuddle she's already cheating as far as I'm concerned. Either you are 100% commited or your not. Think of it this way you are already doubting and you see the signs. When it's right you don't have to question it. You can enjoy being with someone on some level but still not be right for each other. If she cheats with you then she will cheat on you but I was cheated on and I am jaded I don't see any excuse for cheating even if it is just cuddling. just be honest with yourself and you will know what to do.

[miffy]

She is already cheating on him emotionally with you, which in some ways is more severe (at least to my mind) than say, a drunken night that can be put off as a mistake. Her being this close to you demonstrates that the relationship is not working for her, her not being able to draw the consequences and break it off should be a red flag for you. If you're not interested in a relationship with her, set clear boundaries and stop the cuddling and the emotional foreplay, as that is what it seems like. She's being unfair to her BF and to herself. And she needs to figure that out on her own. If you feel a deep friendship with her, tell her what she doing is wrong and she needs to break it off, at the same time don't give her the impression that you'll be her fallback position.

[Lunaa]

Romantic friendship for me is a no no, I wouldn't like my boyfriend to have romantic friendships with her girl friends, so why would I do it to him? Being in a relationship requires trust and loyalty, I understand you like her, but I think is better if you wait for another woman than can love you back fully.

[MenCanScissor]

I kind of assume it is a really bad idea. And I suppose it is certainly a form of cheating. I had mostly unselfishly told her that if she wasn't happy with her boyfriend, she should break up with him, instead of just not taking much interest in her relationship. It didn't seem fair to him, and he was pretty much blowing her off constantly anyway. She and her boyfriend ended up breaking up over the weekend. But I won't be pursuing her as a girlfriend whatsoever. Now that she's single, even though I'm a attracted to her and like her very much, I'm not sure that it would be a good idea to go after her physically at all. It's very hard to resist the temptation though.

Why can't two single people enjoy each other's company emotionally and physically, but with no strings attached? Has anybody ever heard of that being a working scenario? It seems like the best scenario to me, because I don't see myself meeting the girl of my dreams anytime soon, if ever. And I miss sex, but don't really want to hook up with random girls who are just looking for sex as well, and likely have terrible personalities. Somehow that factors into my interest in sleeping with a woman. Also the fact that having a bit of romance in the equation is really nice. Because it may sounds crazy, but I'd really like to make love to a women, and not have sex. And random hook-ups don't seem like the right way to go about that. This is all very confusing to say the least.

[MenCanScissor]

I think I forgot to mention that I've made it very clear to her several times that I have no intention of dating her or being her boyfriend. Before and after they broke up.

[dem862]

She sounds like she has a dependent personality, and you are unable to commit. I don't see this working. She may wait around hoping you will change. You will eventually feel pressured and nagged. You might be able to pull off the friends bit, but romantically, I think there is too much incompatibility.

[Wakeup]

I should also say I'm pretty sure I have no intention of ever being her boyfriend, because of our differences, though it is very hard to resist. So would a romantic friendship of any kind ever work? Or does it need to be platonic to ever last?

Why don't you ring up her boyfriend and ask him?

Check yourself and try to figure out just How desperate are you for the company of a woman? A woman you have nothing in common with, including being single.

If you want a fk buddy, I suggest you do it with someone you're not addicted to and has not just broken up with a man to be with you. The potential complications of your scenerio far outweigh your selfish or perhaps desperate reasoning. You're saying one thing and you're selfishly showing her another.

To add:

I think I forgot to mention that I've made it very clear to her several times that I have no intention of dating her or being her boyfriend. Before and after they broke up.

Well good on you for being honest but do you honestly think that your actions are telling her that you actually mean that?

You don't do bonding rituals with people you simply want to fk. It's basically telling them that you want more through action when you cuddle and allow them to become emotionally vulnerable through intimacy. (by "intimacy" I am not referring to sex)

Your words are telling her one thing and your actions are telling her another and that's totally selfish because YOU prefer an emotional connection while screwing. O.o

[MenCanScissor]

Right. I need to either commit to just being completely platonic friends with her, or actually trying to date her. I'm sending horribly mixed signals. I'm also letting my desires for romance and sex enter into the friendship, which is just stupid, and will end up hurting her.

The problem is that I want romance and sex, but I don't want to enter into a relationship with someone to get those things, when long-term I haven SERIOUS doubts about it working out. I honestly don't want to be anyone's boyfriend unless I feel I've met the perfect girl for me, and I have the feeling that girl damn near doesn't exist. So in the meantime, I'm left with desires for emotional connection, yet nobody that meets the exact criteria I'm looking for. What does any level headed person do about that? Just be alone? Date people you're not terrible compatible with no real future in sight?

[MenCanScissor]

If you can't tell, I'm somewhat of a dependent person myself. But I'm also afraid to get involved with someone because of having gone through a divorce. As the girl in question has said, we settle into relationships due to familiarity. Once you get into familiarity, it's hard to think clearly, and a hard situation to get out of. Hence why she dates people long-term who she knows aren't cutting it. And also why I married the person I did, and tried so hard to make it work when it never should have. Familiarity is a dangerous thing. Hence my fear of commitment.

[MenCanScissor]

Another question, does it make sense to date people that you don't intend to marry, or think you won't be compatible with long term? Is there much harm in that? Does it sometimes work out?

[searock]

I don't think there is a point in having serious relationships with people whom you already know it won't work in the long term. Casually dating, sure, but serious relationships, no. If you are absolutely 100% sure that you will never fall in love with someone like her, then you are doing the right thing by not getting involved. Otherwise, what the heck are you waiting for. Think about doing stuff RIGHT NOW, not in 10 years time. Also, I'm pretty sure you would/will be quite upset if/when she gets another bf.

[MenCanScissor]

You're right. I think I might just go for it. What's the harm in it if I really like her? And I can't say for sure that I wouldn't really fall for her (because I really do love her personality a lot, but just have no clue what she'd be like in a relationship), and I can't say for sure that it wouldn't work out, even though the odds probably aren't in our favor probably.

She would at least make a better Ex-Wife than my first one anyway. That's a plus.

[miffy]

It seems more than clear that you've been wanting to "go for it" from the start, you're just scared of the consequences. You're aware of what may happen and what you tend to do in relationships. To me, that seems a good place for you to try and do something different this time around. Best of luck.