my husband wants children but cant give up porn

[sammygee]

Hi everyone. Bit of a tricky one. We've been through this before. He said he had a problem when He had arousal and ejaculation problems, so we talked it through and He admitted to a porn addiction during the day when I'm at work .i was very cool about it, offering to watch together (He said no that's cool thanks)But he stopped.
Then things were going really well for months and the sex was great then it declined again. i was always cool about it, celebrating when we had "successful sex" once a month. Being loving and gentle when He couldnt get aroused or ejaculate.... recently we both decided we are ready for children and he tries without any pressure from me... but He cant perform very well. We'll have successful sex at the wrong time once a month (mostly when he's been too busy to watch online porn, i am guessing)
last week He told me He'd been doing it a lot again and that He would stop. Then this week ( good timing for babies) He can't get aroused and admits to porn again.. He got angry and stormed out. WTF? he wants this and he is very attracted to me. i have been very gentle about it, saying it's ok now and then, but it affects our sex life. What more can I possibly do?
To note, he really wants to stay in this relationship and has been "nesting" like a mad man... Buying furniture and appliances and treating me well, as i have been to him. Is it really that hard to give up? He doesnt think he has a problem. I do. i feel there is too much free porn and it desensitises a man's sexual drive
Good advice much appreciated

x

[pisces25]

Yep too much porn can desensitise a mans sex drive. Been there done that (my ex was addicted).

Like any addiction, he needs to receive treatment from a professional to overcome this.

[dem862]

Porn can be a real addiction as strong as any drug. It is not just when a guy is horny. It can be used for many, many reasons. It helps change a man's mood when he is angry, sad, lonely, frustrated, upset, etc. And it is effective. However, it keeps the man from learning appropriate ways to deal with his emotions, and it takes a toll on his sex drive and self-confidence. There are meetings of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) in most cities. These meetings are attended mostly by men who are addicted to porn, and other sexually compulsive behaviors (prostitutes, strip clubs, anonymous sex, etc). He seems to realize he has a problem, but he is having trouble controlling it by himself. It might help him to attend some meetings and seek support from other men who have overcome their addiction.

I should add that you seem to be handling it appropriately. It would help to be firm but not confrontational. It is not your fault. You seem to realize it has nothing to do with your attractiveness to him. He is lucky to have you. You will get through this. Good luck.

[bulrush]

XXX can be a real addiction as strong as any drug. It can be used for many, many reasons. It helps change a man's mood when he is angry, sad, lonely, frustrated, upset, etc. And it is effective. However, it keeps the man from learning appropriate ways to deal with his emotions...

Wow. Sounds just like any other illegal drug.

[thiudiskr]

Have him play catcher and store his earnings in the freezer for when the time is right. Then he can watch his porn and you get your babies. Win - win.

[sammygee]

Thanks for your advice. He has now left (but he'll be back) and denies having a problem. Why would you admit to it one week then deny it the next? Last year, he said he had a bit of a Problem with it, and recently he did as well. Now he says he can take it or leave it which is not true. It does affect our sex life. If he can't admit to it being a problem, he can't get help with it. What am I gonna do? I can't force him to get help. Should I hold out on him? I'm sick of this I don't deserve to be treated like this

[sammygee]

Seriously. There is so much porn available for free in the privacy of your own home. Do women really have any chance anymore to not be cheated on and betrayed? People are buying their 12 year old kids iPhones with private access to porn so that they can get screwed up before they've even started having sex. It's not fair. When will it stop?

[pisces25]

It's not going to stop, it's the world we live in. But there are guys out there with enough self-control not to over-indulge in all that free porn and who actually do like a real woman over that. Like I said before, its an addiction and it is no different to becoming addicted to smoking, cocaine, alcohol, gambling whatever. Maybe just cheaper !! All addictions ruin relationships. If he isn't willing to get help, then you need to really consider whether you can be with him. I walked away from my porn-addict boyfriend and it was the best thing I ever did. I am now in a healthy relationship and couldn't be happier.

[miffy]

I can understand your frustration with porn in general, and there are plenty of issues with that matter by itself (sexism and all). However, the wrongdoer is not the porn, but your husband. He knows he has a problem, and that's the first step. Of course he will have relapses and deny it, get angry and frustrated over not performing or being called on his problem. It'll be a long process, if he actually decides to work on it. He has an addiction problem, and needs to work on it. You are obviously not happy over it, not only are you sexually unsatisfied it is emotionally sabotaging your relationship and keeping you from having a family. So make it clear to him that he needs to get help with this or you will not work together, since you AREN'T. You clearly stated you don't deserve this, and you don't. You've been an angel so far for being so understanding and caring, and by all means go on doing that if you love him, but be firm about your needs and draw a line. There are certain things you want and you're not getting them. For you to be happy he needs to work it out. Just be aware it might take quite some time.