Is it a mistake to ask my ex to get back

[Drew91]

Ok so, my ex girlfriend and I dated for around 4 years until we broke up back in October.
It was not a clean breakup for a while, lots of arguing over who was entitled to what and things like that. But over the last few months we've stayed in contact and she has made comments about still loving me and how she wanted to marry me. And afew months ago there were a couple weeks we were hanging out fairly I have been good about not contacting her. But after the anger of the split passed I can't keep her outta my mind.
The problem is that we both rushed into a rebound type of relationship. I ended mine back in December. She is still living with her new guy. But when we talk she always makes it sound like she doesn't want to be with him and is only with him because she doesn't wanna throw him out. Tonight she texted me a picture of a love letter I had written her and asked if I still felt that way. And like 20 minutes later her bf called me, and said he knew we were texting and she was hiding it from him but he's given up on her not texting me and he's ok with it. But he knows she still loves me and gets the idea she wants to be with me and he asked that if me and her talk about doing anything we don't hide it and just tell him upfront.
Hearing that she still wants to be withe has pushed me to absolutely wanting to call her and ask her to get back together. But is it wrong/bad idea to try anything while she's living with another man? I'm really torn

[miffy]

She's not being fair to him. HE tells YOU to come clean if you're going into this? He's already admitting defeat and just hoping to get as much as he can from her while it lasts. She obviously wants you back, you want her back, and you'll want to get back together and try it again. That much is clear. She is mistreating this other guy though, and he seems like a decent and mature fellow. Tell her to come clean with him and try to start over with you. Even if you two didn'T start over, she needs to end it with him, he's suffering and she's being immature.

[JazzyJason]

I don't think that there would be anything wrong with pursuing your feelings. This based purely on the fact that she shows interest in you as well and that her current partner seems to acknowledge the fact that she is still into you. Perhaps he is even expecting you to make a (successful) move on her any time soon.

The problem i have with your original post is that you want to "ask" her to try again. While this is something to be considered since your feelings seem to be mutual, i would advise against it because it gives on of the two exes an "upper hand". The status quo should always be maintained when it comes to power-balance.

Finally, if she is into you, and you obviously are into her as well, what are you waiting for? If you don't try you will never know. 4 years isn't a short period of time and even if it was you both had your cool-off period and still want eachother. There is no harm in that.

[smackie9]

Sounds like a Go to me. But I wouldn't jump into it just yet. You both have issues that still need to be worked out. If you think everything will be OK with you two is a lie. Those issues are still there and will surface soon enough and you will be right back where you were in October. Make sure the poor dude moves on, and get started on fixing the relationship.

[Wakeup]

I see you pursuing her and being left out while she maintains the status quo with the dude who has no ballzz and will settle for her having an affair as long as he knows about it.

What he is proposing to you and your ex is an open relationship by the sounds of things.

For your own best interests, I suggest you tell her you'd like to try again, but you'll not try anything as long as she is still with him. Unless of course you like being the third and you'll all share sexually while he gets to keep her as his partner. (if I'm on track about her having her cake and eating it too, of course)

I ended mine back in December. She is still living with her new guy. But when we talk she always makes it sound like she doesn't want to be with him and is only with him because she doesn't wanna throw him out.

What a weak reason to give you. Do you actually believe that she'd not give him the boot if she wanted to be with you in the whole sense?

[rafterman]

I see you pursuing her and being left out while she maintains the status quo with the dude who has no ballzz and will settle for her having an affair as long as he knows about it.

Amen....too this. Good to see W/U

[Wakeup]

^^ you too, rafter. :o)

OP: After further thought I'll add that you should give this serious thought before you cave to your obsessive thoughts about her. She moved in with a man that she hardly knew. That in itself is a red flag.

What did you two break up over in the first place? Perhaps you best leave a stone unturned and quit replying to your gf's manipulative texts that keep you interested in her while she stays with him. Thus far her words are simply words with no actions backing them up. "Do you still feel this way" after texting you an old love letter? Notice how she was trying to (or actually did) manipulate a response from you about how you felt without her committing to anything?

Don't let her play you. Ask her outright if she will leave him to see how/if you two are capable of reconciling. If she won't, then you'd be foolish to carry on an affair with her whether it be an emotional one or any other kind.

[Drew91]

I did not mean to make it sound like her new boyfriend would be ok with an affair or open relationship. He lives in her house and he was saying if something happened he wanted heads up so he would have time to figure out where to go.

And to posts about feeling bad for him, you need to realise she's a rebound for him too. Pretty much their relationship is him using her for a place to live, and she's using him because she didn't know anyone else here at all when we split and she didnt want to be alone...and they've basically admitted as much

[haxan]

So, she's still in love with you, but the only thing holding her back is so she can continue to enable a man with nothing? B/S

[Drew91]

So, she's still in love with you, but the only thing holding her back is so she can continue to enable a man with nothing? B/S

umm pretty sure that's not what I said. I'm not sure she wants to get back together or not. I never said she won't be with me because she wants to enable him. I think she wants to get back with me but she's dating him, I just feel like their relationship is over just still dating for now cuz she doesn't wanna kick him out.

[smackie9]

When people are in emotional shock, they will have moments of weakness that leads to them making poor choices. She knows she made a mistake, she is unsure how to handle it.....she is obviously weak and it's not her nature to abrutly push this guy out on the street. It sounds to me they are making arrangements to part ways. That's why she is not letting yo know what is going on as yet.....she has to clear up her mess first.

[Drew91]

When people are in emotional shock, they will have moments of weakness that leads to them making poor choices. She knows she made a mistake, she is unsure how to handle it.....she is obviously weak and it's not her nature to abrutly push this guy out on the street. It sounds to me they are making arrangements to part ways. That's why she is not letting yo know what is going on as yet.....she has to clear up her mess first.

Yea I kinda feel like that's what's going on right now. But they've been on verge of breaking up for a while and I feel like she's hinting she wants to be with me but also not willing to pull the trigger and dump him. But when stuff has come up about me and her I've downplayed feeling and desire to get back together. And feel like its gotten to the point that if I let my feelings be known MAYBE that will be the difference to her breaking it off with him. But situation is a lil tricky because things have a potential to get very ugly if I try toake a move and she stays with him...I would consider him dangerous as there have already been times he's threatened me (not sure as to why). And I could see him doing something crazy if it doesn't go well

[searock]

I think you should tell her that you are willing to try again, but only if she breaks up with the other guy first. Tell the other guy about it as well, best to not hide anything. After that, the ball's in her court, so go no contact until she gives you an answer (if she does).

[Wakeup]

Yea I kinda feel like that's what's going on right now. But they've been on verge of breaking up for a while and I feel like she's hinting she wants to be with me but also not willing to pull the trigger and dump him. But when stuff has come up about me and her I've downplayed feeling and desire to get back together. And feel like its gotten to the point that if I let my feelings be known MAYBE that will be the difference to her breaking it off with him. But situation is a lil tricky because things have a potential to get very ugly if I try toake a move and she stays with him...I would consider him dangerous as there have already been times he's threatened me (not sure as to why). And I could see him doing something crazy if it doesn't go well

What a mess. Why are you embroiled in all this? She's with another man and she strings you along. Tell her what you want to do and then tell her she knows where to find you if and when she's free.

You didn't have to tell us that you enabler her.. it speaks for itself. I'll explain. She will not make any decisions as long as she is with him. You don't ask her to leave him so you enable her to string you along while keeps the status quo with the the guy who has already threatened you.

There are many red flags here which you're ignoring due to your desire to be back with her. She at this point holds all the power in your interaction and, she manipulates you to re-inforce her power position by asking you things like "do you still feel this way about me" after texting you copies of old love letters you've mailed to her.

If you want something then you have to ask for it. If she wants the same thing, then she will tell you that and then her actions will make it happen. Stalling because you're afraid that she won't follow you isn't doing you a bit of good. Stalling while she emotionally manipulates you isn't doing you any good either.

Take back your personal power and find out one way or the other so you can get back together or move on.

"You're not sure why he's threatened you?" Really? I'd say it's because you and his live in girlfriend are playing with one another while he's feeling totally out of control. Deperate people do desperate things.

Is it a mistake to ask my ex to get back.

No, have an open and honest discussion with her. (if you're certain that the problems that made you break up with in the first place have been resolved and you really want to be with her again.) If she doesn't want to leave the other guy then you have your answer.

[Drew91]

"You're not sure why he's threatened you?" Really? I'd say it's because you and his live in girlfriend are playing with one another while he's feeling totally out of control. Deperate people do desperate things.

No, have an open and honest discussion with her. (if you're certain that the problems that made you break up with in the first place have been resolved and you really want to be with her again.) If she doesn't want to leave the other guy then you have your answer.

Actually I really have no idea why he has threatened me, because when it's happened doesn't correlate to when I interact with her or anything. I believe he does it just to hurt her, cuz afew times his threats have gotten serious and it started because they were fighting, and about anything that relates to me. I mean he actually stormed out of their place and came and drove around my apartment complex looking for my (which he didn't find) when I hadn't even talked to her in weeks. Honestly there's other crazy stuff he's done and even if me and her are finished for good I hope they still split.