Tough and Tormenting Decision

[astralian]

Hello everyone,

I need some help in regard to something quite common, which I can't wrap my head around for the past 2 years maybe.

I'm a 26 year old male, and in a relationship for the past 4 years almost. While this girl is the one I loved the most so far, and the one that gave me the most, I have had enough of our relationship and want to end it but I can't due to a few anchors, and moral limitations holding me back.

In the past we used to fight a lot, but also have sex a lot. That changed over the past year and a half. We stopped arguing almost completely, but stopped having sex almost completely as well. We live together and life is currently very boring and tense for me. I'll explain why. Before we move on, I know that sex is not the most important thing but at this age I think it's quite important - I mean come on....how do we enjoy my youth otherwise in the 21st century society we live in currently ? It is also key, that in the beginning I was so much into her that I threw lassos around all the stars in the sky and brought them down for her - I set all the wrong limits/guidelines/expectations and now that's playing me bad. I wanted to be with her non-stop before, I taught her that, and now there's no going back, etc. etc.

So let me be brief and blunt (no offense to anyone if for some reason any of the below turns out to be such).

Why I want to be single again:

- Our relationship grew stagnant and I have no interest in it anymore
- I do not want to feel the need to coordinate my life with her. Being in a relationship this is more or less important. I wasn't brought up to be super selfish, so pretty much all the things I want to do I have to consider her as well and how she might react, what she might think and want. While that's natural, it burdens me at this point way too much.
- I don't want to live a marriage - this is what our relationship resembles at the moment. I don't want to be with her 24/7 yet getting "a day off" turns into a problem quite frequently. We have discussed this a few times but the effects are only temporary. Otherwise she says she understands me. Still I can see her negative reaction when I say I want to go home for the night and I may even get questions like "so you don't want me with you, yes ?". Sometimes she might not make a problem out of it, but I can see it in her body language that she resents it. Well, I don't like that at all and I can't change it. She has been living in this city for 6 years now, and she has no friends or hobby that will keep her occupied, calm and serene. Whatever her friend criteria might be, I can't be the only friend she has. It just doesn't work. For this reason she is jealous of my friends when I go see them (alone) for a beer or whatever.
- I don't want kids and I don't see myself with her in the next 2-5-10 years, while she feels exactly the opposite way
- I want to flirt and experience life to the fullest while I'm young (well sorry but it's a fact - that's how I feel). And I don't want to do that while with her because it would mean a) I'll have to flirt with others behind her back or even cheat and I'm not brought up this way b) she gets anxious when I go out with the boys though I've never even given her a hint that I may cheat etc. and I'm sick of explaining myself even if it's a slight hint of anxiety.
- I love her, but I'm not in love with her
- I need lots of space overall

Why I can't break up with her (anchors):

- I love her but I'm not in love with her
- I am too attached to our history - but I don't live in the past, I'm in the present looking forward to the future so that's wrong but it's there.
- I am too used to her and her cute face
- I know her family and they are really nice people and the insignificant "relationship" I have with them is also holding me back
- The worst part - I just can't do that to her. I feel like a mean moth****** because she loves me deeply and says that I am the most incredible guy there is and she wants to be with me forever, whereas I just don't feel like that anymore and I need my freedom to do whatever the hell I want (NOT referring to other girls but rather everything in general). I know that breaking up with her will be devastating for her because her current life and routine revolves around me (I sound like a pr*** don't I). But as I said, she has no other friends - how about that ? It's gonna break my heart just as bad as it will hers.

And just a few words on sex as part of our relationship - it was probably me that caused this. After 2+ years in this, I kind of .... got bored (sorry but I'm just being honest) and I couldn't do anything to change that. While she still had drive for this, I pulled back a little. She confronted me - at this point I just said it's natural for a fresh relationship to go on a decline in that regard. I guess that's more or less true. But now it's a lot worse. Problem is communication, i.e. talking about it, won't work for me - I'm afraid that even if we start having sex again it would not change a lot of things and, I'm afraid that if something happens (pregnancy) she will definitely keep it despite me absolutely and categorically not wanting this.

So there it is guys - lots of puzzles to solve. Thanks for reading this and I hope I didn't bore you a lot but I need advice.

Feel free to shoot any questions of course !

Regards,
A.

[oneandonly]

....... I don't see myself with her in the next 2-5-10 years....

Out of everything you said, this is key why you have to end this relationship. Staying in a relationship out of guilt is soul destroying. Your relationship has run its course. In the long term, you are doing both of you a favour by ending it as soon as you can. It won't be easy but we've all been there and eventually come out of it.

[searock]

You already took the decision. Get a pair and do it. There is no point in waiting any longer, it will only make it worse when you finally do it.

[smackie9]

Hey relationships end, it's just part of life.......of course with a break up there are other relationships that will have to end too. You have a fear of adjusting to life without them. No worries, that will fade once you get rollin with new things in your life that fill the void. Before you know it, it's all a distant memory :-)

[pisces25]

- I love her but I'm not in love with her

No such thing. You don't love her, you are attached to her. Attachment is not a reason to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. Time to move on.

[searock]

- I love her but I'm not in love with her

No such thing. You don't love her, you are attached to her. Attachment is not a reason to stay in a relationship that makes you miserable. Time to move on.

It actually is possible to love someone without being in love with them (friends, family, ex partners). In order to stay in a relationship with someone though, you need to be in love with them, as well as loving them. Which is why the OP should break up, and do it now.

[pisces25]

To me, the 'in love' part is the lust/attraction. The love part is what is left when the relationship evolves. Romantic love is completely different from the love you feel for your parents or friends.

[searock]

Ok, it's a matter of definitions. I associate "being in love" with feeling romantic love for someone (as opposed to the more general type of love, which I call "loving someone"), whereas what you call "being in love" is what I call lust/attraction/crush/honeymoon phase.

[astralian]

Hello everyone and thanks for your inputs.

In regard to what you're deliberating on - what I personally meant was that I care about her a lot. I try to make sure her needs are met, I worry about her, I am influenced by her mood. I.e. I love her like somebody very close to me, whom I'm used to. What pisces25 said is I suppose correct - I'm attached.

What I call "in love" is when we first kicked off - I thought about here non-stop, couldn't wait to see her and give her the moon and stars, do anything she wishes and can't stop just being with her.

Whatever the labels are I hope the definitions clear that up.

[smackie9]

astralian you are going to get your post picked apart on this forum lol everyone does it. It's all good. So what have you decided now?

[oneandonly]

....What I call "in love" is when we first kicked off - I thought about here non-stop, couldn't wait to see her and give her the moon and stars, do anything she wishes and can't stop just being with her.....

Isn't that how you are supposed to feel for someone you love romantically? You love your family and friends, but not romantically.

I am one of those people who think 'I love her but I am not in love with her' is rubbish.

You don't see yourself being with her 2, 5, 10 years. You don't love her romantically any more. She is someone who you have shared your life with. She becomes a close friend and family. It's hard to cut that tie but you are not attracted to her any more. Not like friends and family, just loving her is not enough if you are not romantically attracted to her any more.

[searock]

Exactly: you are no longer in love with her, you just love her as a friend, someone whom you've shared a part of your life with and whom you once were in love with. It's normal to still love someone (non-romantically) after you've been in a relatively happy relationship with them.

Loving someone (non-romantically) is NOT a good reason to be in a relationship with someone. You need to love them AND to be in love with them. You aren't in love with your gf anymore, so, I repeat once again: break up with her as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the worse it will be, believe me! I know it's tough, but it has to be done.

[Wakeup]

Being the devils advocate here: Maybe he's still "in love" with her but he's simply just fallen out of sexual attraction and into apathy and he mistakes that for "just loving her?"

I don't believe in "I love you but I'm not in love with you" statements. You either love them or you don't. Some people confuse being "in love" with the limerence they experience during first stages of a romantic relationship and when those feelings wear thin (which they always do as you transition out of limerence and into a comfortable loving partnership. There is no need however to let your sexual life turn apathetic if you don't take one another for granted and give up working it.

I'd say that Op has obviously not transitioned well out of limerence. Many people who are serial monogamists and have tons of exclusive partners in their lives often seem to end up in Op's position of having no real reason to leave other than "I love them but I'm no longer in love with them." Seems that way from what I read on message boards anyway.

OP: If you do not want to make any effort to get back some of the excitement that you once felt with this girl, if you are apathetic to being with her but are just there because you feel guilty, then I say; stop being a martyr. You have no children together so there is nothing to keep you there. (not that I'm a huge believer in staying just because of the children either, but that's another story)

She needs to grow and make friends and learn to be happy in her own skin. You staying there and babysitting her isn't alowing her to grow. If you want to make it work with her, then start by communicating to her that she needs to have more than just the man in her life to make her happy. She needs her own hobbies and interests and full life, to be interesting and exciting for herself and then she will be for others.

Decide if she's worth the effort and if she isn't, then what else are you going to do?

[astralian]

Well fellas, not being in love with her is just one of many factors. I'll spare you the details but yes, overall you've all pretty much nailed it.

What wakeup said is spot on as well - she needs to grow. I don't want to make it look as if I'm doing her a favour because the fact to the matter is I'm mostly considering this for myself, but she's definitely stuck and that drains my energy badly.

I also like what searock said: "get a pair and do it". Well, you can't imagine how difficult it is to find a pair around these parts I mean, I even feel bad for even discussing this with complete strangers behind her back while she thinks everything is peachy...but anyway...the bottom line is - I think you confirmed or provided assurance for everything I've thought so far. I'll definitely go ahead with that. But please, if somebody knows where I can get a pair from shout. I'm willing to pay extra lol. I have truly lost that somewhere along the way.


Here's another one for you though - what do you think is the best manner in which the break up should be handled on my part ? Just a quick "sorry but I can't" and dash into the night, or rather sit and talk it through (to a moderate extent because I know I'll be attacked from all fronts with questions and attempts of having my mind changed) ?

[astralian]

Hi guys,

Just wanted to raise this one concern - how do you suggest I go about this ? Swift and to the point or rather go around and use tactics, be gentle and address any concerns ? I'm afraid I may have to explain myself for ages with no effect.