Which to choose: Comfort, Chemistry, or Myself?

[RosietheRiveter]

I go to a university with a pretty big party atmosphere. Dating and actual relationships are nowhere near as common as the hookup culture. I love being pursued by many different guys and getting a ton of attention, but ultimately I am interested in more substantial connections with people.

Almost two years ago, I met a junior guy we'll call Patrick. I was still I first-quarter freshman at this point. My friend was interested in Patrick before I was, and I tried to support her and play wingwoman, but she is naturally kind of reserved and quiet. Patrick invited me to come rock climbing and hottubbing with him, and I figured he was getting to know me to try to get closer to my friend. Turns out he was interested in me and he felt like he couldnt connect with my friend.

We had great chemistry, and a ton in common. Hobbi*es, political views, etc. We are from the same area, and would have these long, engaging conversations full of flirting, teasing, connecting, and getting to know each other. Things progressed way too fast (in retrospect). I ended up sleeping at his place almost every night for two weeks, though I never had sex with him. He said all sorts of really sweet, romantic things, though I felt like it was definitely too soon for some of the commitment-y things he said. He referred to himself as my boyfriend, said he had been looking for someone like me, and said there was no rush to get physically intimate. We texted all day every day. Then all of a sudden he stopped contacting me, didnt respond to texts, completely disappeared from my life. I felt completely heartbroken and crushed. And it turned out that he went back to my friend again, for sex/casual hookups for a little bit then moved on to other women.

Later on that year I became involved with a new guy who was a freshman like me. We'll call him Tommy. We didnt have a ton in common, though we were both pre-med. I thought he was arrogant, and I did NOT like the politically and socially insensitive dialogue all his friends would engage in, especially toward women. He was very full of himself about his good grades and his athleticism, and I have to admit that I felt insecure and inferior in the areas of life that I thought mattered most to him. The things that I excel at and am proud of myself for didn;t seem very important to him.

Patrick had contacted me saying he wanted to meet with me and explain himself/apologize for his earlier actions. I was cold at first, but after a couple weeks I took him up on the offer. Starting the relationship with Tommy had caused me to make many comparisons in my mind, and I found myself missing the chemistry I had with Patrick. When I met Patrick for coffee, he said that while we were dating he had gone through a rough patch and found himself falling into relationship patterns too reminiscent of his old 4 year relationship. I still felt angry and distrustful, though I ended up spending a night at his house, even though I was technically dating Tommy. Patrick tried to initiate sex, and I freaked out a bit, saying “what happened to taking things slow like you said when we were dating?”

I didn;t see Patrick for a long time, though he would contact me every once in a while. I ended up dating Tommy for a year and half, and I saw Partick every once in a while throughout. The sex with Tommy was really good, and we developed real intimacy and comfort with each other. He lost that arrogance, though whenever he hung around his guy friends too much he would get a bit unpleasant. I still felt like we didnt really have intellectually stimulating conversations.

We had some really great times, and we had a chemistry of our own, though I can't remember it ever rivaling what I felt with Patrick. But we would have huge, frequent fights often centered on the intrinsic differences between us. We think in different ways, value different things, and deal with problems differently. I hated how passive he was. We had moved in with each other very early too, and spent almost every night together for almost the entire time we were dating. He moved into a house of 6 guys at the start of our second year of college, and I hated the disrespectful, crude atmosphere, but I put up with it to sleep with him every night. I felt miserable and attacked and turned almost rabid feminist in response, desperate to prove to myself that it was their behavior that's reprehensible, and that I wasn't being hyper sensitive.

After two breakups that lasted less than a day, we finally ended things a couple weeks ago. We had both become bored and unexcited and far too domestic.

As soon as we broke up, I felt this huge weight off my shoulders, though of course I cried and mourned the end of what had been a good relationship. I went out to party with my bestie (the one who had also had a thing with Patrick) that very night and had an absolute blast. Patrick just happened to text me at 11:30 that night, telling me to get over to his house for a party. I told him I didnt like it when he was sleazy and he said “I got that” and I was starting to feel a but down so I said “I could really use a friend” and his demeanor changed (via text...). He said that he wanted to be there for me as a friend if thats what I wanted. He said that he was too drunk at the moment but we should meet for lunch the next day if I wanted. “Invite Tommy if thats what it takes- I'm serious. I really want to see you.” I told him we had broken up and he said “Dont even get me started ” and “I'm too drunk to talk to you right now...”

I ended up asking him to come over to my apartment that night because I really couldn't face being alone. He said multiple times that he was really drunk and it would probably be a better idea to meet during the day, but I told him to come anyway. For the first hour and a half we just caught up, very hands-off and appropriate. He left around 3:30AM and I called him back and turned into a complete mess. I cried about Tommy and he held me and offered advice and told me about when he broke up from him 4-year relationship. He offered to sleep on the couch but I brought him to my room. He said he wanted to be there for me however I wanted/needed, but he didn't want to have sex and never see me again. Things did get pretty heated because we were both drunk, but we did not go too far.

I saw him pretty frequently for the next week, and he was hands-off for the most part. I ended up having sex with him less than a week later and it was amazing, though afterward I expected him to never contact me again based on what happened the first time we dated. But he kept in contact, and I spent a few more nights at his place, and he even drove me downtown when I had an errand to run.
Then all of a sudden Tommy confessed that he wasnt sure what he wanted but felt heartbroken and wanted to be together with me again. It was upsetting to hear. Since the breakup I had obviously had ups and downs, but overall I had felt great. My friendships had flourished, and I was going out late on the weekends and having fun, and I was getting more physically fit and doing so much productive work. I felt like hot shit. I still love him and care for him and enjoy his company, but there is no spark. There is deep connection and companionship love between us.

Now that I've tasted single life gain I don't want to give it up. I want to flirt and dance and have time for myself and feel passion and confidence and independence. When I think of being with Tommy again, I feel no excitement. I dont want to see his friends or go to his house. But when he has spent the night a couple times we have felt so cozy and lovey-dovey and happy and content. And he looks at me with focus and wonder like he hadn't for so long. But I dont necessarily trust that it will last.

Not that I trust Patrick at all as far as reliability goes...

Tommy has said that he wants to wait for me to make up my mind about whether I want to be with him again, without looking around at other girls. As long as I'm an option, there will be no serious looking around for him, unless I take a really really long time to make up my mind, he said. And that he pretty much expects to hear that I've been considering dating/being with other guys. He wants to take me on dates and be there for me and give me the space/lack of pressure I need.

Patrick says what we have shouldnt be complicated but I'm always welcome over at his place, though he doesnt want to give up on his single room to spend nights with me and my roomate (the friend) because it would be awkward. I dont know if he is interested in turning it into a dating-type relationship.

I want something reliable and fun with a good degree of trust and I dont want to have an open relationship. I want dates. But I want a lot of time for me and my interests and my friends and my work. That's what I know.

So what do I do? Ditch them both and focus on myself? I don't want to lose that comfort and affection I have with Tommy but I want excitement like what I have with Patrick.

[HeartIsAching]

Stop trying to choose.

You're just in college - your whole life is ahead of you. Don't try to permanently **** it up now, wait until you're older to do that.

[nerdy_guy]

So what do I do? Ditch them both and focus on myself? I don't want to lose that comfort and affection I have with Tommy but I want excitement like what I have with Patrick.

Yes, ditch them both. Stop playing with other people's lives. If you want to be single, then be single. It sounds like you just need a one night stand at times when the need arises. You can't have it both ways or both guys for that matter. Find a real relationship when you're ready.

[aadharshd]

Honestly, Tommy sounds like a great guy so don't screw it up with him. Unless you are absolutely sure, do not date him or even flirt back and most importantly do not lead him on. You said you don't feel the spark with him. The problem is lots of girls say that about a lot of great guys. I have seen it happen to my close friends who were great guys and it happened to me once also and it does not feel good. I know you said you like being single but you never know which is better until you have dated Tommy and seen what it feels like.