Terrified

[5mart]

Hi. I am going to be completely honest here. I am terrified of women.

I have risen to lots of challenges and overcome many other fears. When I was younger I could not speak to people let alone stand up in front of an audience, for example. Now I regularly address audiences and I have spoken in front of thousands of people but more than that I can, on my day, have the audience completely gripped. The type of job I do means taking an insoluble problem and finding a new and unique solution. For me challenges do not go unsolved.

You are probably thinking that I am looking for someone and being unsuccessful. That is not the issue. I am in a relationship. At the moment I get lots of attention from women. Recently a lady that I used to spend a lot of time with told me that she had fallen for me. This was just before she moved away (not unconnected). My issue is this, I have a deep need to conquer my fear. I could go to a therapist I guess. I could perhaps find somewhere to practice flirting. The fear thing is really getting in the way and I want to get past it. Where could a guy go to learn to be confident with women - well it is deeper than that, to lose his terror?

I am not after moral advice by-the-way. I guess it will be offered - and why not. Just think on this for a moment before you reply, if you are not someone driven by a need to conquer their fears you may not understand why, if I am not looking for a relationship, I would need to conquer this one. I cannot answer that. If you do not get it then I probably cannot explain it.

Any thoughts?

[IndiReloaded]

[url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Masculine_psychology#The_male_fear_of_the_feminine[/url]

Fear is often the result of (I think) unresolved distress recordings. Have a read and post back what you think.

[url]http://www.rc.org/theory/distress.html[/url]

BTW, RC has devolved into some cultish aspects, so read this with a grain of salt, but there is also some things that I happen to think make sense. Especially around traumatic events that people never had a chance to properly get over.

:waits for the counsellor/psych types to pounce:

[5mart]

Thank you very much IndiReloaded. Thanks in the first place for replying and then secondly for the two links. The distress recording theory was really interesting and it rings true to some extent. It does feel to me like each time I fail I am hardening the scar.

I will tell a little more not that it might change your opinion but it might help develop it:

I just wanted to paint a slightly better picture of what I am talking about. First I should say that the problem relates to situations where there is some possibility of greater intimacy. It does not just relate to any interaction with females. I think that the word fear does not really cover it but I cannot think of another. I have a relative with vertigo and so I know that this condition does not (necessarliy) look like fear. They will go happily to the top of a tower without a care and then they collapse - like they were drunk. They are clearly not afraid of the height but they are hugely affected by it (but they have learned to be afraid of the their own reaction to height of course). I am like that. The reason why I went on this forum was that I attended a stag night for my best friend. He happens to be gay and so we ended up at a venue that was, apart from us, entirely attended by hen parties. I have never ever had any issues about being with gay men. I never went through that "backs against the wall" type thinking. Many years ago one friend suggested that this could be because I am completely at home with my own sexuality and I have to say I just love women. I love the way they smell, the way they look, I love their smiles and especially I love their eyes. On the other hand I am not the least attracted to men in the same way - it is black and white for me although I know that for others it is different but I cannot imagine what that is like as I have never experienced it myself. Gosh; this is not easy to say but here goes. Anyway, at this stag do I got lots of attention. Lots. The ladies clearly wanted some fun and it would have been really pleasant to get more into the situation - heck I wanted to have fun too. The result was that I was groped - groped a lot. However I could not react except by being polite and like seeing my relative collapsing on the tower I felt really stupid. Some might think that I wanted to be inappropriate but situations are different and in that situation there was a need to be less formal to be easy-going and just to have fun. But the scar seemed to be thickening once again - to use the analogy in the second link from IndiReloaded. Now you may be thinking "what is his problem?" and "why does it matter?"

I mentioned that I had a fear of public speaking. What I did to solve that was got a job that consisted of only speaking in public. I was afraid of driving too so I have driven all over the world in snow and through deserts and cured that. I am used to the fact that I start so many of life's adventures by being very, very fearful. What I am not used to is just putting up with the fear. Of letting the scar grow rather than ripping it off. While my afformentioned relative does not go to high places if it were me I would be up towers and absailing. I do not know another way. If you do not have that character you might not understand why I want to conquer my fear of intimate situations with women so much.

That is why I want to either get some kind of help or get immersed in a situation where eventually I learn to swim - my approach to and cure for my other fears.

I hope some of this makes some kind of sense.

Any further ideas on what I can actually do?

[IndiReloaded]

Sounds like an interesting way of dealing with your fears. More than most do. I don't really see a problem here so long as you are happy and also do things that emphasize your strengths. Carry on.

[gardenofjade]

What? You are looking for women in places where you get groped?
I think there are some deeper issues here. Immersion is ok for adrenoline rushes but not for finding a companion. just my opinion.
What do you want in a women besides eyes and a smile?

[IndiReloaded]

No idea what 'immersion' is, so going to leave this thread to those who know more.