When is it okay to get to know each others family

[Beleza]

My boyfriend is 9 1/2 years older than me and my mother wants him to walk to the door, to sit down and talk with her and her boyfriend. He is like " I am to old to be doing that" He is 29 and I am 19. I don't have a car so it's not like I cannot avoid him coming to my house. He think it's highschool-ish and it freaks him out because he is not ready to meet my family until we get to the stage of engagement or marriage. I have to deal with my family because they don't like him because he does not want to see them, they find it strange. Men if you had a girlfriend that lived at home with her parents would you want to come to the door and greet her parents?

The thing is, my mom would be the first one to beat me to the door or be all up in his face when he opens it. It's embarrassing to me but I guess it's a tradition because many people have agreed with her on it. I do want her out of parts of my life because I am getting older and it's very annoying, but I guess the man is supposed to make nice with the parents....but what if he is almost 30 years old? I do not know. My original question is, when is it okay to get to know each others family? When should one meet them? Opinions?

We have been together almost 2 years.

[smackie9]

I'm not a mom but I would expect to meet my daughter's BF no matter what age he is. I need to point out tho, he is an adult man dating a teenager, I can see he fears an interrogation as to why he needs to date a girl at your age. Just settle his nerves and let him know your parents are cool with you two dating and that it is out of respect he should meet them.

[Beleza]

I'm not a mom but I would expect to meet my daughter's BF no matter what age he is. I need to point out tho, he is an adult man dating a teenager, I can see he fears an interrogation as to why he needs to date a girl at your age. Just settle his nerves and let him know your parents are cool with you two dating and that it is out of respect he should meet them.

Actually they are not okay because they are prejudice towards his ethnicity. I never told him this until a week ago though. Okay, thanks for your insight.

[smackie9]

Well they may only tell you that is one thing they have an issue with, I'm sure the age thing is a close second.

Anyways if he is such a wonderful guy, treats you with respect, he should have the confidence to win them over. If he can't be a man about this, and face them then that's a big red flag. It's a fact that when you marry someone, you also marry into their family. This will be very difficult for the both of you in the future, because you also marry into his, if there is racial conflict then you will have problems at your wedding when both families meet, family events, dinners, celebrations, spending time with your children....how will your parents treat them?

This all can be worked out if he just steps up and lets them get to know him.

[vashti]

I also agree with smackie. If he cared about you, he would want your parents to like him; he would not be hiding away like a pervert.

(And yes, I have kids.)

[Beleza]

Well they may only tell you that is one thing they have an issue with, I'm sure the age thing is a close second.

Anyways if he is such a wonderful guy, treats you with respect, he should have the confidence to win them over. If he can't be a man about this, and face them then that's a big red flag. It's a fact that when you marry someone, you also marry into their family. This will be very difficult for the both of you in the future, because you also marry into his, if there is racial conflict then you will have problems at your wedding when both families meet, family events, dinners, celebrations, spending time with your children....how will your parents treat them?

This all can be worked out if he just steps up and lets them get to know him.

So true about the family thing, I have not thought about it that way yet. My family is prejudice but they wouldn't act out on it, they just talk about it behind closed doors. I think if they become aware about his culture they would not remain ignorant because they are open-minded, but not to things they're not aware about. My family knows I would never date a person my age and always older than me, I had a friend who was 26 but I didn't want to date him, but they thought I should. Older people is what I like. Never date young.

Hey Beleza!

I can actually speak from personal experience on this. I have a gf that is 6.5yrs younger than I am. I'm 29 and she's going to be 23 (we'll call her Serenity). She still lives at home with her parents, and when I went to go pick her up for our first date, I met with her parents and older sister. Personally I did not have a problem with it because I have nothing to hide and I know I'm a good catch. I already knew I would be able to win over her parents (plus I always anticipate every possible que ahead of time I could be asked so that I'm not caught off guard). I for one know that if I ultimately marry Serenity, I marry the family as well. It would be totally absolutely stupid for a guy to enter a long term relationship with a lady without taking time to get acquainted with her family first.

I agree with smackie9 that if your bf cannot be a man about this and have the self confidence to come face to face with your parents to get acquainted with each other, then consider it a red flag. This will only lead to problems later down the road.

When is it ok to get to know each other's family? There is no clear cut answer to this. There have been times in the past where I meet the parents on the first date, and other times it would be weeks or months before meeting the family. I would say this: whenever you feel there is a strong mutual connection and mutual comfort in place and the both of you know that you want to keep the relationship going, then I would say go for it. However, if any person has any hesitation about the relationship or the direction of it, then I would refrain from meeting the others family.

I hope this helps. Let me know if you need anymore guidance

Yes, Ajserenity this actually helped me out a lot. I am thinking of a way to talk to him about this and to bring up some points. I don't want to talk and not have a strong argument. I think that he thinks that I can't do things with-out my mothers permission, when she does not even give a durn like that, she just is concerned and never hold her tongue on her opinions, but she respects my freedom. I told him my mother had every-right to be concerned. I was not a woman when we met no matter how much he wants to believe so. Yes I do have a high maturity level,intelligence in school and certain subject matters but my adult life is new to me and imo he has to respect that being with a younger person and not expect me to isolate myself from my parents.

He has told me about his parents, he talks about them many times, it's hypocritical and I have a feeling age bias. He can not push me into being a woman, I have to come to it on my own and yes I feel that he does need to respect that. When you date someone way younger and become attracted to someone who is not even the smoking age yet, you have to notice there are some set backs. Our relationship is not even based off of sex, our relationship is based of me and him having chemistry. I feel like if he didn't give a damn about me, he would pressure me into sex and use me for that, but it's a thing of connection. My bf told me about his past relationship and that was all his partner had and common and he was looking for someone more interesting. He was born in another country and was raised over seas where somethings are very opposite of American tradition and I don't want him to be offended if I ask about it. I really don't know but I think I should find out, I am curious to why.

You're right he may not be sure were things are heading. I find that funny because I broke things off once but he came crawling back, he noticed that I was serious and straighten up his act. I don't understand. It's very confusing. Maybe he has baggage? See's that I am a potential mate but he is not ready to grow up? He has a secret? he's insecure? I really don't know, but I agree that there is a problem and I think the only way to resolve this is a heart to heart but I don't know where to start. I want him to tell me his issues and if we can't work through this I would question him. If that bothers him then he can f** off because I have gave him nothing but honesty,trust, nurturing love and my open heart for him. That would tick me off more than anything, like a slap to my face. It makes me angry even thinking about it but I hope things go well.

[smackie9]

It may not be your job to "fix" him, but it is your job to give your perspective to let him know how this affects you, both your families, and your future. Relationships are a partnership and it's not all about him. Making some positive suggestions about compromise to give him some guidance wouldn't hurt.