The line between persistance and being a bugaboo?

[THX]

This is an issue I need some outside perspective on. Now, I get that it's a guys job as a man to make the first move. I have no problem with this. I don't wish for it to be any different. What I do get hung up on is lack of reciprocation. Where I am proactively facilitating contact with a girl and she responds but never initiates. I'm not talking anything big. Like sending a text without me first sending one e.g. Basically along the lines of the philosophy, "I'm the girl. Your the boy. So if you don't call, we don't talk today." I don't like that assumption but I'm not sure why. I suppose it aligns withe the saying, "Don't treat someone like a priority who treats you like an option." At the same time I suspect that maybe I am being a whiny b***h about this issue. If this makes a girl feel more wanted and special why would I not want to provide that for her?

I think this might well be a raw nerve short cut to me getting butt hurt rather than a proper display of setting boundaries. To a lesser degree, yet still playing a role in my decision process, is I despise the idea of being a bugaboo. The chump throwing himself at a girl who is only marginally interested in him. I guess I have the belief that if a girl really likes you she wouldn't dig her feet in so hard on this issue. She would mortgage her rule and take a step towards compromise because she values your courtship continuing.

I really wanted to get your thoughts on this.

[HeartIsAching]

This is an issue I need some outside perspective on. Now, I get that it's a guys job as a man to make the first move. I have no problem with this. I don't wish for it to be any different. What I do get hung up on is lack of reciprocation. Where I am proactively facilitating contact with a girl and she responds but never initiates. I'm not talking anything big. Like sending a text without me first sending one e.g. Basically along the lines of the philosophy, "I'm the girl. Your the boy. So if you don't call, we don't talk today." I don't like that assumption but I'm not sure why. I suppose it aligns withe the saying, "Don't treat someone like a priority who treats you like an option." At the same time I suspect that maybe I am being a whiny b***h about this issue. If this makes a girl feel more wanted and special why would I not want to provide that for her?

I think this might well be a raw nerve short cut to me getting butt hurt rather than a proper display of setting boundaries. To a lesser degree, yet still playing a role in my decision process, is I despise the idea of being a bugaboo. The chump throwing himself at a girl who is only marginally interested in him. I guess I have the belief that if a girl really likes you she wouldn't dig her feet in so hard on this issue. She would mortgage her rule and take a step towards compromise because she values your courtship continuing.

I really wanted to get your thoughts on this.

Says who? 1950 was a long time ago.

Has she said this, or is this your assumption based on inadequate communication?

That's what it sounds like to me... I don't think she's really all that interested.

[THX]

Says who? 1950 was a long time ago.

I knew this was going to come up. I should have addressed it. While I agree that yesteryear provided several cultural practices that we can bid a hearty "Good riddance" to, I don't believe a mans role as the pursuer is one of them, unless he's in player mode. I think there is a gap between what we say when we are being good samaritans to political correctness and what is actually the true general consensuses. And while I can certainly appreciate someone who is open minded enough to transcend the natural way of things, I do not expect it.

[HeartIsAching]

I've been pursued as much as I've done the pursuing. Whether you want to believe it or not, women got the message sometime during the last half-century.

[IndiReloaded]

Actually HIA, if a guy won't hustle for me a bit in early stages, I'm less interested. Goes back to that basic operating principle that girls 'want to be chosen but ultimately do the choosing'. Think posturing peacocks. Biology is, doll.

[vashti]

I'm pretty traditional about a man's role as the pursuer (so sue me), but as an actual relationship develops, I initiate contact.

Is this a girl you are pursuing? Or one that you are in a relationship with?

[rosaalex]

If I was dealing with a super shy, reserved guy and had prior knowledge from friends or something that he was really into me, I would probably initiate contact in the beginning. But for just a "normal" guy, especially someone who comes off outgoing/confident, I would wait for him to start things. Even if I really liked him. Because in the back of my mind I'm wondering, how many other girls is he talking to. If he liked me enough, he would be thinking about me even before he got a call/message from me. That's just me personally. So I don't think you should write her off if she always responds enthusiastically but just never initiates. If we had been seeing each other for a while though then yeah, I'd probably call/text/do cutesy girlfriend stuff out of the blue but definitely not when first getting to know him.

[THX]

I've been pursued as much as I've done the pursuing. Whether you want to believe it or not, women got the message sometime during the last half-century.

Okay. This is is something I would be more than pleased to encounter. Also wanted to let you know my response was based out of my zeal for articulate debate not coming from an an attitude of smarmyness. I realize if I'm to ask for perspective it is unwise to negate perspective that does not alighn with my own. In this case I can just ask myself what I think and save people the effort. Thank you for taking the time to help me out. The seed is now planted in my mind. =)

Vashti. This is a pattern I have encountered often although one particular girl cemented the issue as I have presented it here. Basically the source with the least hersey and guess work. We dated. She was into me at least in some points of time.

I guess I just believe you have to pick your battles and maybe this is not a hill to die on.

[HeartIsAching]

Actually HIA, if a guy won't hustle for me a bit in early stages, I'm less interested. Goes back to that basic operating principle that girls 'want to be chosen but ultimately do the choosing'. Think posturing peacocks. Biology is, doll.

Ehh... like I said, it's been my experience that it's about 50/50. So you're one of the ones that likes some tradition.

[THX]

Ii suppose I should add this is usually early on. I will have a good vibe going with a girl and I wont hear from her in a while so I back off and I will come back to find I have been deleted from their facebook etc. I have a general rule I follow of 3 to 1. I put in 3 quarters effort for keeping things going and expect 1 quarter back. Not so sold on this concept now.

[boobaa]

Forget what might be. Only your goals are important. Be a bogaloo or persistant, if she is interested, she will take the bait, if not, neither helps.

[IndiReloaded]

Ehh... like I said, it's been my experience that it's about 50/50. So you're one of the ones that likes some tradition.

Yep, and my attitude would necessarily select for men who are more traditionally 'manly' in their attitudes toward women. If a girl is looking for man to be her 'equal' (whatever that means to her) then she should be prepared to be equal in things such as initiating a show of interest. As you know, I don't think men and women are equal in all things. There are complimentary strengths and differences.

So, its seems we are back to that concept of knowing what one wants. Because there's a chance one might actually get it, LOL.

[IndiReloaded]

Ii suppose I should add this is usually early on. I will have a good vibe going with a girl and I wont hear from her in a while so I back off and I will come back to find I have been deleted from their facebook etc. I have a general rule I follow of 3 to 1. I put in 3 quarters effort for keeping things going and expect 1 quarter back. Not so sold on this concept now.

It depends on what kind of girl you want to attract. See my previous post.

[THX]

Forget what might be. Only your goals are important. Be a bogaloo or persistant, if she is interested, she will take the bait, if not, neither helps.

I like this. A thought I have had several times more or less. I think this might be one of the reasons "jerks" can stave off dry spells. They don't seek what they SHOULD do, they just do what they want. They might break a few eggs along the way, but perhaps that's par for the course when your in the business of making omelets.

To be completely honest I think my policy on this whole matter is a heaping scoop of social posturing, (for me more than for her) and a pinch of principle.

[HDBadger]

For me, any sign of disinterest - or simply not reciprocating - means "sorry, not interested." I really don't push beyond that. If she doesn't accept my first cordial coffee offer, I'm done. Not saying it's the right way, but it's my way, and I believe it's prevented me from wasting time on women who simply didn't like me. Which is totally fine. More women than not aren't going to be attracted to you.

Why put effort into someone who is lukewarm or downright cold?