Should i tell my ex i cheated on her before we broke up?

[love sick]

Hi guys,

5 months ago a split up with my ex.

I still can't stop thinking about her, we've been meeting up every few weeks since we split going for dinner and cinema.
We just spent time together on a wedding holiday for a friend, Although we were with loads of friends we seemed to spend most of the time together.

I simply love seeing her and being in her company.

We split up because i couldn't commit to her, she told me i had to put her before my work and make her the most important thing in my life.

I admit i'm a little work obsessed, i'm still struggling to make it in my career and i just felt i couldn't take my eye off my work at this stage in my life. I also felt i didn't want to commit fully ie marriage until i had regular money coming in. I plough what little money i have into my career and i guess i always thought i'd have stability before having a family. She was just starting a new job and our work/personal time became very hard to manage.

So we split.

I'm now feeling that I might never make it to a point which i consider successful and will always feel i need to do more.

I suspect i do have commitment issues, i recognise that. It's something i would like to address.


Since being apart I've had absolutely no interest in seeing other girls, i've been out with mates on the pull but i'm just not interested.

So one part of me feels i should try and make it work again, i don't know if she still loves me but i suspect i could win her back if i really made the effort.

Whats stopping me is 2 things i did while i was in the relationship with her.

Firstly i kissed a girl at a club behind her back, this was about 4 years into our 5 year relationship. This was the first time i've ever cheated on girl i'm in a relationship. Obviously i felt terrible after, i put it down to not getting enough attention at the time from her and being drunk.

I put it behind me and got on with our relationship after a lot of beating myself up.

Then 4 months before we split i was away on a work trip i had a foursome. It was with some people i'd just met on the night i was extremely drunk and high on cocaine which is not a regular thing for me. It involved a guy and 2 girls, for the record it was the girls i was sleeping with not the guy.

I think i did it because things were not great at the time with my girlfriend, i was away and it was with people i'd never see again, i'd always wanted to have sex with more than one women.

Im not trying to justify it i'm just trying to work out why i did it, i wasn't walking around the next day feeling great, i was devastated!

You can probably tell that i'm have weak moments and make mistakes.

I suspect this was a leading reason why when it came to the point of solid commitment i couldn't

I've never told anybody about the foursome, i felt it was wrong and always kept it to myself.

The way i felt afterwards is not an experience i care to repeat.

I'm really scared that if i tell her now even though we're not dating it will kill our friendship which is really strong and means so much to me

Should i tell her and risk her never trusting me again and possibly loosing her friendship or should i put it down to a really bad choice and learn from my mistake and never do it again.

Maybe i should just be happy with the fact we are still so close, try and move on and keep it to myself.

Is it possible i could put the mistakes down to a bad learning curve, not tell her, try and win her back and have a happy relationship?

The way we've stayed best friends, the way the time we spend together is so much fun makes me think i'm staring at my future wife and i'm letting her slip through my fingers because i'm being pig headed about my work.

I'm totally confused. Is there a better way to look at all this?

She's aways hinted that she'd rather not know about stuff that can remain hidden, we kind of went over the subject for some reason that escapes me now but i got the feeling she would not like the truth and would prefer not to know.

Just as a side note, she cheated a lot before i went out with her but i believe she's always been faithful to me.

i know she kissed a girl soon after we started going out which she only recently told me. If she had slept with a girl or girl (yes she use to have a thing for girls) i really think i wouldn't want to know as long as i never met them they had not contact and it was just a random one off. Or am i just saying that because i cheated?


I know this ultimately has to be my choice buy it would be good to get another point of view, i've not been able to talk to anybody about this.


Thanks in advance for your help.

[surfhb]

As long as you are sure it's in the Past, I don't see any point in bringing it up.....unless she asks

[searock]

If you don't get back together, you aren't bound to tell her. However, if you do, be honest with her. Honesty is at the base of any relationship (even friendships), there is no point in keeping anything hidden from the person you are in a serious relationship with. She needs to know exactly what she is going back to.

[Saya]

I think that you should be honest with her if your going to be in the relationship with her again.

[gardenofjade]

I think you are scum. You had a foursome on a business trip? You can't be trusted. Poor girl, she was right to dump you.

[love sick]

Thats what i was thinking, i messed up and would def not make that mistake again i know that for sure. Thanks for the reply surfhb

[love sick]

thanks for the advice searock and saya...i'll def consider this should we get to that point, at this stage it's hard to know if it will start up again and i don't really see the point of telling her if we're not together.

Gardenofjade, well thanks for replying even if it is a little harsh. The action was despicable i accept that, but that doesn't define who i am. apart from those 2 stupid mistakes i've always been loyal, supportive and caring. I would of said somebody who is real scum would be proud of what they did, told there mates, actively looked to repeat it and def not bothered to get advice on a forum like this. I'm sure if you knew me well you'd realise this was not in my nature to act so reckless and it was a true mistake i r regret..if i could take it back i would in a flash, i've always believed in trust and honesty. Maybe i wanted the relationship to be over at the time and was looking to sabotage it so it would come to an end.

Maybe i should not even consider getting back with her, it ended for many reasons, i obviously wasn't in it 100% otherwise i wouldn't have cheated i guess.

I love her friendship so much i may have to accept that is all we can have together and be grateful for that look to the future, learn from my mistakes and not repeat them with the next women i meet.

I appreciate the responses thankyou.

[bcgirl]

yes you should tell her about the times you've cheated. You two are friends now....and this is what friends do....they share these sort of things with their friends. It would be very therapeutic for you too to get all that off your chest that you felt really bad about for a long time. You haven't told anyone about your foursome.....perhaps it's a good thing that you confide it to her (a good friend). Maybe this will allow her to open up and unravel her dirty little secrets. Maybe she cheated before in the past and wants to open up about it too. Telling her would be the right and moral thing to do.

Maybe i should not even consider getting back with her, it ended for many reasons, i obviously wasn't in it 100% otherwise i wouldn't have cheated i guess.

sometimes loneliness can trigger feelings of wanting to be loved and thinking about the good times with exes. You liked the part of having someone love you and being there for you....but in reality, you two broke up for many reasons and it wasn't a healthy relationship.

[Wakeup]

It would be very therapeutic for you too to get all that off your chest

Yes, please keep being the selfish ass you've been and assauge your guilt by confessing and then making her feel like shit. You split up with her then because you couldn't commit to her so you better cut out your self absorbed thinking process and be absolutely sure that you CAN commit to her now.

She's aways hinted that she'd rather not know about stuff that can remain hidden

if she's told you that then why does this thread even exist? Is it because you want to (selfishly) assauge your guilt and so you look to us to give you the okay to confess. Find a priest if that's the case and confess away.

If you are absolutely sure that you can now commit to her and if she's dumb enough to take you back then keep your past to yourself unless she asks about it. There is no reason why you should confess.. NONE! Particularily if she has voiced that she does NOT want to know.

There's honesty when you are within the relationship, that is very important. You lacked in that department because you have no personal boundaries and you fly by the seat of the options you have at the moment. How has that changed? What makes you think you'll not cave to your options now?

You can probably tell that i'm have weak moments and make mistakes.

yes, it's quit obvious and another mistake and selfish endeavour you would be making is dragging this poor girl back only to do the same thing to her because you beat yourself up but you apparantly fail to learn from your mistakes. You shouldn't even be friends for goodness sakes. Friends don't jerk friends around like that.

Just as a side note, she cheated a lot before i went out with her but i believe she's always been faithful to me.

*rolls eyes* Never mind, you're meant for one another. Just keep in mind there's a reason why she's voiced that she doesn't want to know what you do when you're not with her.

[gardenofjade]

Maybe i should not even consider getting back with her, it ended for many reasons, i obviously wasn't in it 100% otherwise i wouldn't have cheated i guess.

I love her friendship so much i may have to accept that is all we can have together and be grateful for that look to the future, learn from my mistakes and not repeat them with the next women i meet.

I appreciate the responses thankyou.

It's always going to haunt you. But I would come clean with her and tell her first. Expect the relationship to end. Learn from mistakes. Settle when you are ready. Don't commit until you are 100% sure that you've sown your oats.

[bcgirl]

you should definitely tell her because if she has any feelings of wanting to get back together with you romantically....you coming clean will allow her to second think things through. Honesty is the best policy. It would be more selfish if you didn't tell her in hopes that she might get back together with you or you keeping her as a friend. If you come clean and she still wants to be your friend.....that's her decision. But at least she will know what kind of friend she really has....not a friend who she thinks she knows.

[searock]

you should definitely tell her because if she has any feelings of wanting to get back together with you romantically....you coming clean will allow her to second think things through. Honesty is the best policy. It would be more selfish if you didn't tell her in hopes that she might get back together with you or you keeping her as a friend. If you come clean and she still wants to be your friend.....that's her decision. But at least she will know what kind of friend she really has....not a friend who she thinks she knows.

Yep, I agree. A relationship (romantic or friendly) that is not based on honesty is pointless.

[love sick]

as I said in another similar thread I started..thank you.
I'm going to tell her and leave it up to her to decide if she still wants to be my friend. there's no point in having any sort of relationship if its built on a lie.
here's to hoping she will at some point be able to forgive me.

[Wakeup]

You're two peas in a pod who are both used to cheating on your partners. It would be interesting to hear how it all turns out.

[love sick]

Wakeup you make a good point, it felt like the majority on here we're saying i should come clean.

i need more time to get my head around this.

I'm not sure what sort of picture i've managed to paint of myself here but i'm def not a use to cheating on partners, i'm 29 years old been in many long happy relationships and never cheated or even considered it. I don't know weather i'm having some weird turning 30 phase but it's def not like me to act so irresponsible.
Randomly since i posted this she emailed me saying that she felt we had unfinished business and that she still loves me. I feel the same. I've been pretty miserable since we've been apart, i feel like i've lost my best friend.

I guess you're saying by telling her all i'm doing is making myself feel better, but in turn will make her feel terrible which is unnecessary.

I played with fire and got seriously burnt and i'm not about to repeat the same mistake twice.