I am in a situation right now that is killing me inside and I need to talk to someone about it. I don't know where to start.
I met my husband when I was a kid. We grew to become best friends. When I was 15 we stared going out with each other and a few months later I found out that he had been talking to girls online behind my back ever since day one of our relationship, it had probably carried on from before it, but the point was, he was still telling these girls he loved them. He was 18, they were around 14-16.
I said that to continue this relationship, he couldn't do it again. So, he said sorry and I gave him a chance.
The next time I caught him doing something behind my back was when we were on our computers on day, in the same room, and I stood up to walk past him when he quickly closed a screen of half-naked women. Hurt by what he had done on top of what he had done previously, I told him to leave, and a few days later I gave him another chance after he was begging me back, crying, telling me how sorry he was.
A year since we started going out, I found more things on his computer. This time it was a picture of a girl (14-16 years old) and conversations with this girl, where he used a different name. My husband and I had met online originally, so I knew that this person was my husband talking. He was showing off his (My husbands) talents and skills, asking for pictures of her naked, offering pictures of him naked in exchange, arranging to meet up, and telling her that he loved her.
This hurt me the most, on top of what he had done previously, I was furious. He claimed that this person was a hacker trying to impersonate him, but I could get into this "hacker"'s e-mail account using my husband's password, and found more evidence of him flirting with girls. He did his crying act again, got his parents on his side, and swore on his families life that it wasn't him.
I never believed him, but I tried to, and gave him another chance. 2 years later, after having the pain of what he had done niggle at me and niggle at me, I asked him to confess, and I think he only did because I said that I wouldn't bite his head off. He promised he would never do anything like it again.
He was right, he didn't flirt with any other person again as far as I was aware, but he did end up molesting me in my sleep one night, which I woke up to. I couldn't believe what was happening and that this person had the capacity to do this. He said he didn't know that I was asleep, and still says the same thing. He can say it all he likes, because from everything that has happened, it now goes in one ear and out the other.
Recently, I found searches for sex scenes of a teenage tv program on his phone, and that was the final straw. He said he had a problem, that he felt like his youth was in a way taken away from him from getting with me at 15 instead of playing the field. He blames every action he has done to me on that.
I just feel like it's not good enough.
It's not a good enough explaination. He has joined a porn addiction forum and seeked help, but after having been through what I have with him, I don't even feel in love with him any more. I care for him in the way that if he died, I'd miss him, but that's a world away from where we were before the trust was broken. We were best friends, soulmates, and had so much in common. We still have the same amount of things in common, but it's like it just doesn't matter now. I feel like I've wasted the 5 years I have been with him, I married someone I had given a chance on in hope that he'd go back to being the person I thought I loved, but he didn't. I can't be in the same room with him any more without feeling intense hurt and anger towards him, as well as complete apathy. I'm empty now, and see opportunities to be happy elsewhere.
I need advice. I don't know if leaving him would be the right thing to do. Could this be the chance that he changes and then we both live happily ever after? I just can't make myself believe that will happen. I have no trust or belief in him. I don't know who he is anymore.
I also have another issue, which is the fact that all my friends and family are long distance, and the family that I have I have never got on with, so I don't really have anywhere to go. I am agoraphobic too, so going and living elsewhere would be an incredible struggle for me.
I guess some people could think "No wonder he acts like that, having to deal with an agoraphobic every single day" but I don't care, because he's wasted my time as much as I've wasted his, if that is the case.
Sorry it was a long post, and if you got this far then I really appreciate it!