Should I be feeling this way? GF acting pretty cold

[Cain]

I think one of your problems is talking about the future and how she's the best girl ever after only a few months. The honeymoon period, in my opinion, can last two years and is rarely shorter than a year. What's the point in rushing?

I agree with Indi about being scarce. A woman loses interest in someone if she can have access to them at all times. A woman wants a man with status and you don't have status if you have nothing going on.

[lavalamp777]

UPDATE:

So I went over there to talk to her about how I feel. She was very surprised that I even had an issue because she thought the relationship was going well. I told her I'm feeling left out, like this is a one sided relationship, and that some of the things she says to me/responds to me are extremely rude and un called for, especially since I've done nothing to piss her off.

She says she had a crazy busy week, and that she has a lot going on in her life right now (which is true). I told her that she needs to make more of an effort if she wants this relationship to work, I can't just be some guy she knows she has but doesn't do anything otherwise to stay together.

We decide to patch things up and work things through.

Fast forward a few days:

A family member of hers that she's close to becomes ill, so I spend time with her comforting her etc. It seems like April is just a bad month, and everything is piling up. I spend a full evening with her while she cries in my arms. The next evening I'm with her again, and we have some serious discussions about life, how important family is, etc etc. She decides that she is going to visit this family member out of the country, because it may be the last time she can before they pass. She is tight on money so I offer to lend her cash for a plane ticket.

I'm sitting at her dining table, and she is doing something in the kitchen, and her laptop is there. I don't know what came over me but I snooped onto her facebook and looked at her messages. I came across an exchange she had with her ex, just a few hours prior! It basically went something like "I don't know where my relationship is going" "What you and I had was special, Ill never have the same" "He's a nice guy so I guess I can't be horrible to him" "I'd love to stay friends and hang out with you".

She's not cheating, but that was enough for me. I felt like shit so I told her I can't do this, and I feel sorry for doing this to her when she's emotionally distraught over her family member. I left the house, and spent like 30 minutes outside while she clung to me in the cold asking me what was wrong, telling me to go back inside the house to talk, saying she loves me etc. I kept telling her I can't do this anymore, and that I'm a fool, and I need to leave. Eventually I left.

She changed her fb status to single and removed me. For the next couple of days we had some lengthy exchanges on FB about what happened, etc. She claims there is nothing going on with her ex, that she just messaged him because she wasn't sure where the relationship was going since her and I had that arguement a few days before. I told her that it's unacceptable for her to do that just because me and her have a falling out.

Anyways, I went against my better instincts, friends advice, the internets advice, and I went back there on Friday to talk. She basically told me she loves me and doesn't want our relationship to end. She said she messaged her ex because they did date for 6-7 years, and, she considers him a friend. She doesn't have any friends, a lot of associates/people she does stuff with, but no actual friends.

She said she needs time in her life for personal development, focusing on career, school, hobbies etc, but she also wants to date me. She said currently she doesn't know if she wants to get serious down the road, so she basically went back on what she said at the start of the relationship.

I should of broke it off with her, but I was too weak to do it, so I said we'd stick it out and see where things went. She is gone for 2 weeks out of country, so in a sense it will give us both time apart from each other to think and consider what we want.

To be honest I don't want to be with someone who is unsure, which is why I told her that she should probably let me go if she doesn't feel the same way that I feel about things. For whatever reason, she doesn't want to do that, and wants me around...

I know I should end it, but right now I don't have the strength. Everyone I know tells me I deserve better than her, and are telling me to break it off, but I have a big fear of being alone, which sucks.



Any advice?

[surfhb]

Well.....this relationship is clearly over so you need to really work on yourself at this point. There no other advice really. Hang with friends or take a trip is my advice. Whatever you do or want it WONT be with this girl.

[lavalamp777]

Well.....this relationship is clearly over so you need to really work on yourself at this point. There no other advice really. Hang with friends or take a trip is my advice. Whatever you do or want it WONT be with this girl.

Yea I know, it sucks though. I really want this to work, and now I put myself in a situation where we are together again...

[smackie9]

Why do you dismiss that message? She just thinks of you are a "nice guy" and didn't know where it was really going and the kicker was that she said what they had something "special" and she will never have the same. There's a lot of truth in that isn't there? Doesn't her actions say that? If she was really in love with you the message would have said something like "I love him so much, but I don't know what to do after that fight we had or things are not feeling right and I am worried". Dude she is bull s hitting you. She is using you because she has no one else. I say that is not the right reason to be in a relationship.


You can keep letting her lead you on but it's not going to change anything.

[lavalamp777]

I didn't dismiss anything. I'm in a state of pure confusion right now. At this point I'm basically going to do my own thing, become scarce, go out, meet people. If I meet someone I like at least I won't feel bad about leaving her anymore.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

It says you've been dating for a few months, so I don't know what you two consider yourselves, but when she gets back, don't talk to her until she initiates contact. If she brings up what happened again, just tell that everything's okay, but you're not going to be exclusive with her until she's absolutely sure she wants something long term with you. Start treating her as a **** buddy, while you pursue other girls. Only initiate contact with her when you want to have sex. You need to just stop caring, and then she will be all over you, but don't start being all mushy again once you've got her.

[smackie9]

Reading back on the posts, the other "interest" I mentioned is her leaning towards her ex. I say you were just a rebound, that would explain the relationship starting off with a "bang" and then cooling off real quickly. I definitly don't see a future.... this is all making sense now, she is still in love with her ex.

[lavalamp777]

^ Yup, that's what I've pretty much concluded. I don't get why she is still saying she loves me and wants to be with me. Why not just go back with her ex? I already told her to do that...told her she should cut me loose.

[KingZ]

You're going to hate yourself for this later. I already feel like I want to shake you.

This isn't about her anymore. This is about you. You need to break up with her because she's not into you, you were a rebound, and you need to have some self-respect.

Are you so pathetic that you're willing to be treated like this just for the chance to be with some girl who used you for entertainment? She wasn't thinking of you when she mentioned marriage, she was thinking of her ex.

[smackie9]

^ Yup, that's what I've pretty much concluded. I don't get why she is still saying she loves me and wants to be with me. Why not just go back with her ex? I already told her to do that...told her she should cut me loose.

Because he won't take her back but she is working it...that message says it all.....she has been begging him to take her back. She doesn't leave because she is using you as a life preserver so she doesn't drown in her misery.

[lavalamp777]

Because he won't take her back but she is working it...that message says it all.....she has been begging him to take her back. She doesn't leave because she is using you as a life preserver so she doesn't drown in her misery.

She broke up with him though. They dated for 6-7 years and apparently he didn't want to settle down with her, he wasn't ready. Now she says she isn't at the stage in life to settle down, says she wants to focus on herself, personal development, etc.

I know it sounds like pure BS, and I know I should break it off with her. It's easier said than done...

[smackie9]

Either, or, you are going to be dealing with pain. The pain from a breakup is shorter term, than the long slow sad pain of being with a neglectful partner.

[IndiReloaded]

You're going to hate yourself for this later. I already feel like I want to shake you.

This isn't about her anymore. This is about you. You need to break up with her because she's not into you, you were a rebound, and you need to have some self-respect.

Are you so pathetic that you're willing to be treated like this just for the chance to be with some girl who used you for entertainment? She wasn't thinking of you when she mentioned marriage, she was thinking of her ex.

I love when KZ decides to give real advice. :-)

Anyway, I agree with KZ. This relationship is over. Its just a question of letting it go cold turkey or a slow, agonizing death. Seems your into prolonged pain, so shrug.

[KingZ]

Hahaha, your into prolonged pain