Girl initiates physical contact with a guy who likes her but whom she doesn't like?

[SimonR]

I have known this girl for four months. We were in the same lesson in university. She showed signs of liking me (or at least I thought she did), asking me personal questions, tapping me on the elbow to get my attention and suggesting a couple of times that we go out for dinner together. Acting on the assumption that she likes me, I took some action, asking her to movie once (which she gladly accepted) and chatting with her on very personal issues (which she seemed to have enjoyed). So she definitely knows that I like her.

But since then, she has cooled down a lot, rejecting all my suggestions of hanging out. At first I thought she is just no longer interested, but her actions seem to suggest otherwise. We ran into each other in the student lounge a lot and I sometimes "accidentally" brush against her arms. She doesn't flinch an inch. She even initiated heavy contact a couple of time. Using the excuse of borrowing my computer, she leaned right into my personal space, pressing the side of her arm against my chest. And she did so while joking that my computer is crappy...

So my question is: is it normal for girls to initiate a lot of physical contact with a guy who she knows likes her, but whom she doesn't like back? Or does it mean that she is still interested, but I'm just pushing too hard?

[smackie9]

Ignore her for awhile, be cool and distant. Never get too close and personal with a girl you are not even dating, that was your first mistake. Save it because that actually kills your chances. You will send yourself into the friend zone fast and furious when you get too mushy.....you end up looking weak. You need to be more of a challenge...that is what attracts.

[SimonR]

Yeah, I guess I sort of fell into the "desperate" category... Do you think I still have a shot with this girl or should I just learn from it and move on?

[searock]

Uhm, from what you wrote, I wouldn't describe that as "heavy physical contact". The fact that she doesn't even seem to notice when you brush her arm or bump into her indicates that she doesn't like you as more than a friend: there is no sexual tension. You guys are friends, she likes hanging out with you as a friend.

Also: unless you made it very clear that it was a date when you asked her to the movies, she probably thought you were asking as a friend. Discussing personal issues doesn't implicate that you are attracted to each other, either.

[HeartIsAching]

If after one date she started rejecting offers of further dates, but is still friendly, it's one of three things:

1. She's Not Interested.
2. She's a Game Player.
3. You're Friend-Zoned.

I'm betting it's 1, but in any of those cases, you either have no shot, or you want to run far, far away. Forget this one and move on.

[smackie9]

Sounds to me that they never went on that date....

[Wakeup]

Ignore her. Let her come to you and when/if she does. Don't be all that excited about it. Don't let yourself be pidgeon holed into the friend zone. Then, re-read post #5.

[searock]

Sounds to me that they never went on that date....

Exactly... I don't think it was clear it was a date.

[smackie9]

I'm usually pretty negative on these things, but I say change your strategy (be less available, keep kool and distant), and work it for about 2 weeks. If she starts bugging you for a date, don't jump at it right away....give it more time and see if the physical contact steps up. Then man up and tell her that you MIGHT have some free time to take her out for a bite to eat, say in about an hour? If she doesn't follow through, makes up excuses then you are friend zoned, and done.

[Wakeup]

It's not clear it was a date? You see this is another reason why opposite sex friendships are'nt worth the time. Seems someone doesn't know how the other feels, someone is waiting for the other to confess their love and is stagnating while they wait, or one is confused as to whether their just being buddies or their actually on a freaking date.

Somebody tell me why, if you want a freaking buddy to go to the movies with why you wouldn't just take your same sex friend and be done with it?

OP: Did you pay for that movie? Does she expect her same sex friends to pay to take her to the movies?

I'm boggled as to why a guy would even allow himself to be relagated to "activity partner" (you have your same sex partners for that, no?) If I was a guy it would be romantic/sexual partners or "someone I chat with once and awhile."

[searock]

^^^ You see this is another reason why opposite sex friendships are'nt worth the time. Seems someone doesn't know how the other feels, someone is waiting for the other to confess their love and is stagnating while they wait, or one is confused as to whether their just being buddies or their actually on a freaking date.

That's why all you need to do to make things work (whether you're after friendship or romantic relationships) is to make things explicitly clear from the start. If he used the word "date" when asking her to the movies, there wouldn't have been any possible misunderstanding.

If he *did* use that word and she still agreed, then either she realized only *after* the date that she wasn't interested, or she was stringing him along for some reason (likely, she enjoys the attention).

OP: Did you pay for that movie? Does she expect her same sex friends to pay to take her to the movies?

This is a very good question! Here's how it may have gone: the OP asks her to go to the movies without using the word "date". She thinks it's a friendly thing and agrees. When they get to the movies, he pays for her ticket as well, so she realizes that it was actually a date. Since she was never interested in anything romantic with the OP, she refuses to go out with him again, since she doesn't want to string him along.

In other words, she may have realized only after the movies that the OP is into her, and she doesn't want to string him along.

I have guy friends and we sometimes do activities together, it's fun and there is no risk of misunderstandings since we already know each other well, and we were clear since the beginning that we are only interested to each other's company as *friends*. As long as you are always perfectly clear with each other, it's OK. For example - if I went to the movies with a guy friend of mine and he insisted to pay for my ticked as well, I would make it clear that it's inappropriate since we're just friends, and I would refuse to go out alone with him again until we have a chat about where we both stand.

[Wakeup]

*sighs* I realize I'm the oldest poster here but in my day if a guy asked you to the movies there was no question that it was a date. We did not hang with men or use them as activity partners. If a guy asked you to do anything with him, then he wanted you. It was our job to figure out in what capacity. E.g. As a potential partner or to figure out if we were easy.
I may be out of touch with things however; it was much simpler and young men didn't have to be told about the "Friends Ladder" practically on a daily basis in relationship forums.

* To add:

(likely, she enjoys the attention).

That's my take on it as well. In which case Op should totally back off and not secure a place on that Friends Ladder with her.

[SimonR]

Wow, thanks for all the opinions!

Just to answer the question, we didn't go to a cinema for a movie. She came to my room late at night and we watched a movie together. I didn't do anything particular that time cos I didn't wanna push it too hard.

What puzzles me is that she still chats with me a lot after she DEFINITELY knows that I like her and there was this physical contact thing, also after she definitely knows that I like her.

Anyway, I think I'm done with her, at least for the next couple of weeks. Maybe that way, she'll show what her true intention is...

[SimonR]

Wow, thanks for all the opinions!

Just to answer the question, we didn't go to a cinema for a movie. She came to my room late at night and we watched a movie together. I didn't do anything particular that time cos I didn't wanna push it too hard.

What puzzles me is that she still chats with me a lot after she DEFINITELY knows that I like her and there was this physical contact thing, also after she definitely knows that I like her.

Anyway, I think I'm done with her, at least for the next couple of weeks. Maybe that way, she'll show what her true intention is...

[smackie9]

Exactly... I don't think it was clear it was a date.

No I don't think they even went out at all. From what I gathered is that she agreed but it didn't happen and he kept asking her out. There was no description of what happened on that date like most do in great detail....so I just assumed they never went out.