Please advise if i should stay or go..

[Milly9999]

I met my husband 6 years ago. We started going out almost instantly. We had several breaks and always had a very argumentative relationship. Arguments have always been frequent and had a lot of energy! Throughout out whole relationship, we have often either been very good or very bad. It is always the good times which carry us forward. We have always said that we are very passionate and almost love each other 'too' much. We always tended to make up after. I made a mistake of having a (drunken) one night stand with my ex boyfriend just 2 months in to our relationship, which caused a lot of upset. I tried to keep it from him at the start and eventually (i'm ashamed to say after several months) his suspicions became so strong that i told him. He decided to stay with me. Keeping it from him made it worse, however, both before during and after this incident my (now) husband was always extremely controlling (used to tell me what to wear, what to do, always ask who i was talking to etc.). While i completely accept responsibility for being unfaithful so soon into our relationship i remember feeling very scared of his response as he has always had an anger management issue.

He has, for all these years, always made me feel like i owe him something and has used it against me in arguments ever since. About 2 years into our relationship this sense of power in him became unbearable, with the relationship entirely one way (long distance at the time, with me doing all the visits and him cancelling last minute etc.) His anger also got much worse in general about all sorts of topics - everything is a battle with him, even just deciding what to have for dinner or where to sit in a restaurant! So after 2.5 years i decided to break up with him and did so. He begged for me to stay and i realised how much i loved him and wanted to give us a chance to start again. I have always felt guilty for hurting him so soon in and he used this at the time.

After this we moved in together and another year on he proposed. We felt very happy at times. We married less than a year ago. At every stage of our relationship our arguments have got worse. However, since we started living together his temper got physical at things in front of me e.g. smashing a wall, breaking things. Since we got married, his temper has turned to me. He hasn't exactly hit me (apart from on the leg and arms a bit), but he started pushing and shoving, blocking door ways, forcing doors open when i was the other side, etc.

The other day it hit a new level. I was really drunk and i looked at his phone, stupidly! I don't know what i was expecting to find but part of me was intrigued and I couldn't sleep and it was there. I saw a message which was between him and a friend about a girl they had chatted to the one night, laughing about how she had tried to add them to facebook. I questioned him on this, while he was falling asleep saying '*name* did you flirt with this girl?' and i have never seen anything like it before, he just switched. He was a robot. He pinned me down on the bed and when i started to cry saying 'please, get off me' he clasped a hand over my mouth. I then started to cry out/scream under his hand and he then, for a few seconds, pinched my nose shut with his other hand, whilst threatening to kill me through gritted teeth. After this he picked me up and threw me across a room, landing on a bed the other side. He tipped a pint of water over me and swore a lot.

The next day the neighbour followed me down the road and told me that i am being abused, that his violent behaviour wont change and that it is getting worse. They unfortunately heard it through the walls and have been doing so for several months.

I have had some space from him since, at my parents. I have spoken to him about wanting a divorce. He has completely changed now, apparently, and is begging, literally begging, for me to give him another chance. Part of my just feels numb to him though - i feel i've lost the energy to fight! I feel very confused - i love him yet i can't forget what happened. He has sworn on his life he will never lay a finger on me again. The thought of leaving fills me with a lot of excitement but i am scared of hurting him so much. It feels like a dominos effect � now I have realised he is controlling, from his behaviour the other night, I can see how he always been very emotionally controlling � controlling how long I speak to my family for, who I speak to, not passing on messages from friends, telling me which jobs to go for, etc. Now I feel numb to him it's like a moment of clarity. Yet I do feel really really sorry for him and care for and love him. I don't know what to do. Sorry this is so long. I would really appreciate some honest advice.

[smackie9]

First off the both of you stop with the drinking, get yourself into an AA meeting. You may not see alcohol as an issue here but when I see it mentioned a few times in your post that sends warning bells off....I am very familiar with alcoholism and spousal abuse...they seem to go hand in hand. That is one of the biggest issues to this relationship. Next go to marriage counseling, and stay at your parents for a few months while you two do go to counseling.


With counseling you two will be able to realize that you can get help and work through this or determine that a divorce is your best option. Don't ever think you can do this on your own. Leave it to the professionals....oh and get your husband into an anger management course as well.

[smackie9]

Btw most will say get the f uck out, BUT even if you do, you still need counseling for yourself. You need to know that living like this is not the norm and that you need your brain retrained to lean not to accept this type of behavior from anyone, not even from yourself.

[kates]

STOP drinking.Smackie9 is right, it only makes bad things worse. Go to relate and see what you can achieve but avoid bringing relationships with anyone else into the equation..

[Wakeup]

I have had some space from him since, at my parents. I have spoken to him about wanting a divorce. He has completely changed now, apparently, and is begging, literally begging, for me to give him another chance.

That's what all abusers do. It's text book behaviour (no matter what their flavour of abuse happens to be). If you enable him to continue to be an abuser (by taking him back before he's actually done anything to change is fkd up ways) then you are selfish. You stagnate him at the state of dysfunction he is now in and you make it so he does not have to be the best person he can be.

[halfstepsunflow]

You at least need time enough apart to where you find yourself as an independent and strong woman. You should be capable of being on your own before you get married to be able to have the best marriage. STAY STRONG and do YOU first, then you can deal with signing the divorce papers if that is the course you choose. You will have a clear mind after you have been living on your own for a year or so. If he is still waiting around at that point, decide- if he isnt, then that speaks volumes.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If you ever go back to him, I actually hope he kills you for being so dumb, and he probably will. Have him served with divorce papers and have a restraining order issued.

[zaidalaggel]

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[smackie9]

Stop spamming! ass

[Cerulean.]

I'd divorce his ass. ASAP. And yes, stop the drinking and get lots of counseling. He sounds like a monster.

[sunnybeachgirl]

hun i was in a relationship like that for a few years they just tend to get worse not better,you are your own person and shouldnt let anyone control you,if u really care about him get help,ie councelling but do so while living seperately as the stuff thats brought up during this process can make things worse before they get better,to be honest i think u would be best just divorcing him no man should ever treat you like that and there allways allways sorry and lovely afterwards but for how long.....

[VincenzoG91]

What you need to understand about the abuse cycle is that there is a phase when everything seems okay, but the abuser is actually looking forward to the next time he will lose his temper and abuse his victim.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

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[VincenzoG91]

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[BackUpOrGetStng]

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