What was I thinking?

[C1d6OC]

Someone please help! I think I might have done what I promised myself I would never do. However, what's done is done. The other day I sent my ex an email basically requesting to give us another shot. However, I think I ended it well, but I feel like I might have played my cards completely wrong.

We were together for 3 years and broken up for a little over a month and there have been cases where she wanted to talk to me or see me, but the most recent case got me thinking. If you read my post "I was skeptical...but it's working" near the end it explains my most recent of events. In summary, it just states that she contacted me telling me how badly her "life" is going since the breakup. I think overanalyzing was my problem and I may have not handled it very well thinking that I handled it fine.

Anyways, I sent her an email asking her where I stand in light of these events and requesting that we possibly give things another shot. Where I think I went wrong is two ways. My message was clear that if she had not agreed and said no, then I asked her to not reply and just leave it. This was for my own good, because I don't want an explanation, I'd rather not be contacted. This also is an indirect way of telling her not to talk to me unless she wants to get back with me. I think she might have gotten the message. The second way I was wrong, was because I feel I may have worded it wrong. Although I'd love to see if she's willing to give it another try, it showed that I was possibly willing to sacrifice the life I'm having right now, and my life is going quite well.

However, I just think that I ultimately knew her answer was going to be no anyway and in a sense, it's my final way of closure and for her not to contact me until she's ready if that point ever comes along. I'd like to see some of your thoughts on this and if you are requesting the email I sent, I will post it later on.

Thanks,
Cdoc

[Tonia2]

Yes... do show us the email. I have to say, I am surprised that you did this, but I absolutley understand why you did. I think it was a really good idea to request her not to contact you if her answer is no - it leaves no room for debate or interpretation (which I think we are all pretty good at).

You have been a really strong and resolute member of this forum, and nothing that you have done suggests otherwise. It sounds like you are well on your way to recovering, but just needed a final push to get you to move on properly. I really hope for your sake that she doesn't write back with mixed messages, giving you a bit of hope. I really can't say more unless we see the email, but don't panic - doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong.

[C1d6OC]

Thanks Tonia. I appreciate the honesty and I was quite surprised pressing the "send" button when I did. Anyways, here's the email.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
XXX

I've been thinking about things lately and although you may not have
intentionally meant to make me think, I'm trying to understand where I
stand. I keep wondering why you seem to find ways to keep me in your
life, asking me to the gala, to fix your computer and most recently,
telling me how you're doing and feeling like you've been punished.

What I don't understand is that in these cases here, aside from the
gala, you could have reached out for other people like your friends
and family and maybe you did, but you gave me the impression that I
was the only one you could talk to. I don't know what to make of
these events and maybe I just seem to be analysing them too much.

However, XXX, I still care about you a lot and I would like to see
if perhaps you want to give things another try. I have enjoyed my
life and I have been getting along real well with friends, but
somehow, I just feel that without you in it, it's not the same. Call
me crazy, but no matter how much I want to move on and accept that
it's over, there's just something about you that makes me slow down
that process. I understand that in relationships there should always
be a balance, because without it, it's hard to make them work. By
balance, I mean a chance to enjoy all of life, but also a chance to
enjoy the person you're with. This can be explained later.

I'm going to say something that you may agree or disagree with, but
you once said to me that "Love isn't everything". Honestly, at the
time, I felt that with love, everything else seemed to fall into
place. I don't agree with myself now. You can say that you love
someone and truly mean it, but you should never use it as a defense
mechanism and rely on it to make everything work. A common mistake.

Anyway, I just want you to accept this and read over it, however I ask
you this. If your answer is "no", then please do not message me back
at all. I would rather not have any explanation to it. However, if
your answer is "yes", then please answer me in whichever way you'd
like so we can meet up some time.

Sincerely,
XXX

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I told 2 friends and both think it was well written, and from the heart. But as most would say, I shouldn't have done it. But that is the email. Let me know of your thoughts.

Cdoc

[cycletease]

You have been doing really well and have had some good perspective on this situation. You felt you were ready to/wanted to send her this email and I think that you should trust your instincts. You are not at the apex of your broken heart and listening do that telling you to contact her.

Relationships go awry for lots of reasons and it isn't always that people are incompatible. There are lots of things that if changed could have made the relationship a success. If you guys can start over and fix some problems then it might work out great for you.

All in all you gave it a shot and now you won't have to wonder. I think you were being true to yourself and you put yourself out there with completely good intentions. I think you did well.

Please post the email so we can see what you said (we all need pointers )

[Tonia2]

I think it was good Cdoc - you were not laying it on too heavy, and there is no hidden agenda in it - nice one! I really hope that this works out for you, but either way, I feel that you are going to be cool with the outcome. She is lucky that you have been so honest with her and laid it out for her so clearly...

[C1d6OC]

No hidden agenda indeed. My point came across which was good, but one of my friends look at this and think that I may not be giving her an opportunity to talk to me at all if she doesn't know what to do. What I mean is that say her answer is neither a yes or no, if I was to allow her to talk to me at least, maybe it could become a yes. Do you get what I mean? He feels that instead of not really giving her options, I could have said something like, "I ask that you not reply if your answer is 'no', but know that I always do respect your decisions". So if I were to tell her this, what do you suggest would be the best way?

Cdoc

[Tonia2]

I don't think you can buddy. If you were to write her another email backing down from your point, it is just going to start getting messy, isn’t it? And yet again, you will be handing her the power and giving her the power to manipulate you and dither about her decision. You have done the right thing – just remember how well you were doing – unless you were lying, you gave a very good impression of being quite ambivalent towards this girl – don’t change that now – you were moving on so well.

I really think there is nothing left for you to do. If she had serious doubts then she would have emailed you back anyway – put yourself in her position. If you were really hankering after your ex and thought you had made a bad decision but weren’t 100% sure, do you really think and email like that would stop you from pursuing it? I doubt it.

How are you really feeling about all of this? I am not so convinced you are as cool as you say you are… which is fine – probably none of us are… keep it on your terms – imagine that it was me asking the advice that you have just put up on the board – what would you say to me?

[C1d6OC]

Thanks so much Tonia. I seriously needed to hear that. You're right, I have been doing fine and I still am, so no I wasn't lying. I post exactly what I feel up here so others can give advice and get it at the same time. You have done me good by saying all this.

Each time I've made a decision as to what to do, I've second guessed it, so that is why I posted. However, every time I second guessed, I stuck with my guns and persued with what already was done. So for that, I am sticking to my guns and going with what I already sent. Nothing more, nothing less...obviously.

Therefore this gives you a good idea of how I'm really feeling. I always feel that whenever I do or say something to her, I think maybe it wasn't the greatest thing to have done AT THAT TIME, but as time passes (for instance a day or so), I realize it was a good idea I didn't change anything. As cycle said, I did what I did and gave it a shot. Whatever becomes of it is up to her. I haven't let my guard down and will continue to keep myself intact.

This however is a perfect example that I thought that when she contacted me, I'd be ok. I was, but it's amazing the thoughts that roll into your head even when you try to get them out. Back to No Contact. Thanks again Tonia, I appreciate it.

Cdoc

[bohemiandonut]

Uggh... Here are my thoughts:

Don't do the same thing, Donut, don't do it, you've been doing so well, don't do it, don't do it, don't do it- AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Yikes.

[C1d6OC]

Keep your cool donut. But speak with your heart.

Cdoc

[bohemiandonut]

I'd rather not speak. It's safer that way, so they keep telling me. But I never learn, no, I never learn...

I want sex. Dammit! F*ck I'm pissed off.

[C1d6OC]

It is much safer. As soon as you 'speak' to her about it, whether or not you feel you are all strong and such, it ends up reminiscing in your head a bit. That's what it kind of did to me, but now I'm back on terms with myself again. It is such a weird feeling that I have lately. It's almost I feel lightheaded and carefree ALL THE TIME and I'm not drinking either. However, I like this feeling because I can feel more and more that I'm handling this very well accordingly.

Thanks to everyone for their advice and careful words. I really didn't know what to expect when I first started posting here, but this forum (despite that it is internet) has shown me that there are several people out there that relate exactly to my situation and it just goes to show I'm really not alone. But feel free to continue giving me your thoughts on this.

Thanks
Cdoc

[cycletease]

You are absolutely not alone and, additionally, you have contributed so much to helping others with your insight and support. I think it really helps everyone to see you doing so well when you have goine through what everyone else here has. You are a great example!

[kindofalone]

i feel your pain. have either of you been with other people during your break? would each of you be ok with the fact that you both had been with other people? My ex and I always had a problem with that and were never 100% able to get past that. Insecurity sucks!!

[cycletease]

i feel your pain. have either of you been with other people during your break? would each of you be ok with the fact that you both had been with other people? My ex and I always had a problem with that and were never 100% able to get past that. Insecurity sucks!!

I can speak for myself, I could not live with cheating. For me that is a 100% deal breaker. Not everyone feels this way, some people can get past it. For me the trust is the foundation, though, that cannot be mended when broken in that way.