Is he mugging me off?

[clairebreen]

Right so basically I am coming to the end of first year at university. I have been seeing one of my flatmates for pretty much the whole year, it started in the first month and has progressively gotten more serious and after 7 months I am not sure how much more I can take! We started off pretty casual as I wasn't really attracted to him so much in the beginning but over time as I got to know him I began to like him more. Without discussing it we became exclusive pretty early on, as in we didn't go with other people and it was just routine to end up together. We share the same group of friends and are basically together all the time. He had said in group conversations in the early days that he would never have a girlfriend at uni because it would be too intense and he wasn't looking for that. Before he came to uni he came out of a very bad 3 year relationship where he was cheated on numerous times and it has really messed him about. He had the mind-set that he had wasted a few years of his life on some horrid girl and now it was his time to get his freedom back and just have fun, without being tied down.

As the months went on we turned from being "friends with benefits" to more, we'd hang out sober, watch films and do all the cute things you do when two people really like eachother. A couple of times we would have a chat and he'd tell me he was really confused because he didn't expect to meet me at uni, it kind of ruined his "free" plan as now he had found a girl he really liked but he was majorly scared of getting hurt again and it was stopping him from getting close. I told him over time he'd see i am not like his ex and he told me he was scared of falling in love with me because it would put him in such a vulnerable place to get hurt again.

As it went on i said to him I want to know where this is going or I think we should end things now to save me getting hurt further down the line. He still was unsure and said he was confused himself, he craved this single life but he doesn't do it, he comes back to me every time. He said he was confused with himself and couldn't give me an answer. I knew by now I was getting a bit messed around, I give him everything on a plate and we have developed real feelings for eachother yet he STILL isn't sure if he wants to commit to me properly? He would get jealous of other boys, we'd have big arguments about all the stuff couples fight over (mostly his insecurities from his past creeping in a bit i think) but deep down I think he knew he couldn't really be mad cos he has no hold over me cos he isn't my boyfriend.

Now we are basically everything a couple is. Everytime we go home we still don't go with anyone else, he still is commited to me but not really with a lable and the most recent time we went home separatly for 3 weeks he completely changed. He was sooo keen, ringing me every day, talking about 'us' a lot more, saying he trusts me, talking to me like i was his girlfriend and all sorts. We came back to uni and all my friends were saying he is gonna ask me out, I got upset one night cos I felt like I was STILL getting used and he reassured me he felt differently now, apparently us getting closer had made him sure about things and to be honest I can really tell a difference. He is a lot more openly affectionate with me, proper cute but still hasn't asked me out. He did once when he was drunk but then was telling a friend the day after he was just worried about hurting me and getting hurt. It seems these doubts are still there somewhere in his head.

I just don't know what to do. I know that he really really likes me, he said he doesn't want to look at any other girls and everything seems right but just still isn't moving! Very frustrating! I don't really think he is going to ask me out because if he genuinly wanted to wouldn't he just do it?! What is he waiting for. Now i am starting to wonder if it is just the company/closeness he likes but still doesn't want a relationship. He just keeps me going because he is massively scared of losing me. I think this is really selfish and don't know whether to stick things out til summer (that will be make or break) and see if he really is going to ask me out, or look at this realistically now and see that I just look like a fool and not let him have his way any longer? The ball is totally in his court and it's making me feel powerless and not wanted, yet I just can't seem to stay away because he keeps drawing me back in.

Any advice/wake up calls is very much appreciated!

[Jeff12]

I want to, I've slowly like these, happy to join

you.

[clairebreen]

I want to, I've slowly like these, happy to join

you.

What does this mean haha?

[TeeJay19]

From what I read here it sounds like he wants to be in a relationship with you, he's just hesitant because he thinks he should be staying single. And it sounds like this previous relationship really messed him up. Basically, his brain's telling him to not commit to you, but his heart really wants to be in a relationship with you, if that makes any sense.

It sounds like you really want a relationship. If the friends with benefits thing you have with this guy isn't working for you then you really need to make it clear. Just tell him that you want a real relationship and if he can't give you that then you need to move on. If really does want to be with you then he'll snap out of it and realize what he really wants. If not then you should probably find someone who's looking for the same things you are.

Hope this helps.

[clairebreen]

You hit the nail on the head, his heart and head are definitely saying different things that is why he is torn. He doesn't know which is the right way to go. Just doen't make me feel very good knowing that cos I guess my head isn't telling me no, I haven't had this past and mindset he does. He said during the 3 weeks over easter that it made him realise things and he wants me, he is sure now apparently. But he said that about 2 weeks ago and i suppose when we came back things just sunk back to normal and probably was very cosy for him so he didn't need to make that next step. It's times when we get separated that it knocks him off guard and he gets worried about losing me so he's forced to open up a bit i guess. Do you think I should leave it a few more weeks til summer and then it really will be make or break, and I should say either you don't want to lose me and we get together properly now or we say goodbye to our thing and use summer to get over eachother and have next year a new start (we won't be living together so it will be a lot easier) ? Rather than have a very awkward few weeks if he tells me he still isn't sure and i call things off. Or am i just gonna keep looking like a fool?

[TeeJay19]

You hit the nail on the head, his heart and head are definitely saying different things that is why he is torn. He doesn't know which is the right way to go. Just doen't make me feel very good knowing that cos I guess my head isn't telling me no, I haven't had this past and mindset he does. He said during the 3 weeks over easter that it made him realise things and he wants me, he is sure now apparently. But he said that about 2 weeks ago and i suppose when we came back things just sunk back to normal and probably was very cosy for him so he didn't need to make that next step. It's times when we get separated that it knocks him off guard and he gets worried about losing me so he's forced to open up a bit i guess. Do you think I should leave it a few more weeks til summer and then it really will be make or break, and I should say either you don't want to lose me and we get together properly now or we say goodbye to our thing and use summer to get over eachother and have next year a new start (we won't be living together so it will be a lot easier) ? Rather than have a very awkward few weeks if he tells me he still isn't sure and i call things off. Or am i just gonna keep looking like a fool?

The sooner the better I think. Why keep being upset over this? Plus, the longer you wait the longer he'll think what he's doing is okay.

[clairebreen]

Well things have taken a slightly new turn in the past couple of days. The other night he came in drunk from a club saying he came back early cos "he missed me" and then started being a bit weird and i wasn't sure what was up. During the day he had been really moody with me and naturally I thought there must be something he wants to tell me and doesn't know how. So i just sat there looking annoyed and then he looked really deeply into my eyes and was like "i lo.. i really like you" and stumbled a bit that he almost said love! He said please go out with me, and I mean it properly not drunken and I will remember tomorrow, I know what i want now. I'd heard from a few others he had said things to them so i brought up my doubts and asked him if he was still scared, and was this really what he wanted cos i needed a bit of reassurance considering for 6 months he hadn't been sure and since easter his mind had all changed. He told me he wanted to be in a relationship, the seriousness 'scared' him a bit and the whole 'being branded' but it wasn't stopping him and he told me he was scared of hurting me/getting hurt. He was pretty certain I am what he wants now. I brought up the fact he almost said he loved me and he got embarassed and was like oh forget that thing i just said, and got all flustered. I can kinda guess from this he means it but would not want to say it at this moment of time, it puts you in a very vulnerable position right? He was trying really hard to reassure me but i was just a bit worried when he said "I dont want to hurt you".. does this mean he thinks he could cos he's still not 100% or is this just normal 'getting into a relationship, always a bit scary'ness ' ? Do you think I should be worried at him saying that? He assured me he would bring it up sober the next day and he didn't in the morning but then i left to go home for the weekend so there hasn't really been the chance. Also when he was saying all that stuff "i really really like you" etc he had tears and was almost crying!! Is that cos he really meant it? I asked him why he was sad and he just said "im not