3 weeks ago I did a terrible thing

[totalregret]

3 weeks ago I did a terrible thing.

But before I get to that, let me describe our situation....
I'm 33, married to a lovely wife for over 4 years and we have 2 children, one 3 and a half year old girl, and a 6 month old son. My wife and I have actually been together for 17 years and we finally decided to tie the knot and start a family in 2008. We had both always been faithful to each other and I suppose to anyone outside our relationship we probably looked like the perfect couple.

On the inside that wasnt entirely the case. Most of the problems were on my part. I occasionally had commitment issues. I was nervous about getting married and once we had our first child I had periods of regret, feeling like I'd thrown away my freedom. Before we commited to having children I had my doubts but I kept telling myself that it would all work out fine in the end. I really struggled with our first child and found the crying, lack of sleep and later tantrums very hard to cope with. I became very childish myself. Sometimes I gave my wife a really hard time and said things that made her so upset. Despite the fact that I had agreed to commit to parenthood, I sometimes spoke to her as if she had pushed me into this. It was pathetic and I deeply regret the hurt that I caused. Again and again, we would talk and she would forgive me.

Over the past 3 years I have slowly come to terms with parenthood and with the arrival of our son last year things have steadily got better. My daughter is a beautiful 3 and a half year old girl with a fantastic personality. I increasingly look forward to enjoying life with both of them as they grow older. Maybe things have just got easier or maybe I have just matured a bit. Throughout all of this, my wife has shown great strength and commitment. She is an amazing mother.

One thing that has always remained in the back of my mind though, is an underlying feeling of regret that I could have been without all these commitments and enjoying my job's high salary, spending money on toys, bikes, cars, travelling the world, etc. I guess the grass always seems greener on the other side. As I said before though, these feelings have gradually died down and I've recently found myself spending more time thinking about fun family holidays and generally focussing on family life.

In March, my father tragically passed away from a sudden heart attack. We all travelled over to Spain to be with my mum and my wife's family who also live very close by. After the funeral, we stayed for ten days and then i finally had to return to the UK and go to work. My wife and kids remained in Spain for a further 3 weeks as her mum is currently recovering from a broken hip, so it seemed like a good idea for my wife to offer her some support. We considered the thought of me taking our older daughter with me but as I work irregular shift patterns and was travelling around with work, it would be very difficult to look after her or arrange childcare.

So I flew home and would be on my own for 3 weeks. At first I felt a bit lost and lonely, and found it hard to cope considering our recent bereavement. After a while, I got used to it and was suddenly excited at the fact that I was home alone for such a long time. Almost like a teenager feels when their parents leave the house for a weekend. No responsibility, just a long holiday, where I can do what I want. This was what I'd been craving for during the last 4 years!

Thats when I did something that I will forever regret.

I visited an escort and paid her for oral sex. I deliberately looked her up, contacted her, made an appointment, withdrew some cash and drove for 45 minutes to have my "experience". At no point did I stop myself and think about the consequences and magnitude of my imminent infidelity. As if on autopilot I just went and did it. After it was over, I drove home and started to think. That was when the guilt started.

I suppose I felt a bit empty afterwards. I then started to realise the risk I had put myself under in terms of STDs. All of a sudden I really started to regret my actions. The last thing I would ever want would be to pass something onto my wife. I therefore went to a GUM clinic after 14 days and had several tests. the day before my wife and kids arrived I recieved my results and they were clear. I had however started feeling a sore throat, swollen glands and occasional slight fever shortly after my tests and to this day I'm concerned that i may have been infected with something. Im going to get tested again next week as that will be the 28 day mark when a DUO HIV test can be done. The only option was to tell my wife the truth and this I did.

Initially she hugged me and showed me sympathy, then gradually she became more angry and upset. The following day she was so devastated that she told me to leave. I've been away from home for 2 days now and have never felt such awful regret in my life. I have broken my wife's heart and destroyed everything that we ever had. I really dont know if she will take me back. I dont think I deserve to be forgiven either.

I would do anything to go back to that fateful day and prevent what I did, but now all I can do is try and pick up the pieces and rebuild our life. I desperately want to be accepted back into the family that I so often took for granted. Most of all I want my wife and kids not to suffer. I know that if she will take me back, we can develop a really strong family bond and live a rich and fulfilling life, but im afraid that the damage i have caused is too irrepairable to make this possible.

We have agreed to see a marriage counsellor in a couple of days and I'm coming over daily to put our little girl to bed. I love my family so much and am so desperate to mend the damage Ive caused. I need to prove to my wife that I will change and I know it will take a long, long time.

What else can I do?

[pilotbg]

my partner did something close to what you did. At first I was ok about it then it was over. What brought us closer was a talk, a talk about our future, a talk how I changed his life, a talk about how he took things for granted.

I start off by showing her this message you wrote, that you are looking for help and forgiveness.