Opinions and advice needed

[Gr4ce]

Hi,

First of all I would like to apologize for my English as it is my second language. Here is my big problem and I really need some advise please…
10 years ago when I was studying, I met my boyfriend at the uni and we start seeing each other. We decided to stay together after three years in relationship. He is from India, 4 years younger than me (but he doesn’t look like one physically or mentally) and has a very conservative family. I’m from Singapore and have a small traditional family. We had so many difficulties to get the blessing from his parents because I am not from the same cast as they are and of course due to the age thing. Same goes with my family. However, after a long wait and lots lots of persuading they accept our relationship but with conditions and terms. On my side is just one condition that we must have a formal ceremony in my country (if we decided to get married). As a woman/daughter I have no other choice but to agree. As for his side he had to agree to many terms and conditions so he can get their approval. However, some of the terms I just found out recently which make things even difficult but still I thought we can fix it…

Last three years he proposed me and I said yes. However, I told him that if he is serious to get married he need to do the formal ceremony in my country and the rest in anywhere he wants. I also consider to do second ceremony in India (if need be) for the sake of him and his family. First he said ok but with a condition I will do a small ceremony in India (I said ok). He promise me that he will marry me. At this stage I just found out that he had a big fight with his parents when he told them that I am the only girl he wants to get married to. I really appreciate that he stand up for our relationship.

Anyway, long story short, his parents finally agree to accept me as their family with one condition (which I just found out recently). The condition is that he must not (in anyway) proceed any formal ceremony in my country. He didn’t tell me clearly that he can’t and won’t do this formal ceremony until recently. Apparently in order to get his parents approval, he has promised his dad and there is no way to break this promise. I’m so hurt and disappointed, I thought after all what we’ve been through he is always on my side as what I did for him. But after more than 10 years being together, he decided to keep his promise with his parents but not me, with a reason that he has done a lot of damage to his family and he can’t make it worst. After all the things that happen and when I know he is no longer stand up for me, I am slowly losing my faith and trust in him. However, I always think positive that he will come back like the person I know before, hence I have waited until he's 30 to make a decision.

These things happen in the past 2 years since he came back from India. I shouldn’t say this but sometimes I felt that his family has brainwash him or maybe did some voodoo to destroy our relationship (I don’t trust voodoo but an indian friend of mine told me it does exist especially in India!). I know from beginning his family never like me because I’m not from the same cast as there are. Their cast is higher and since I’m foreigner my cast is lower with no value. I know that his mom acts like she is supporting his decision no matter what but the truth is she is really hate me in everyway. She always act nice and supportive in front of him but when he is not around her true colour appear. I couldn’t do much as he will never believe me if I said a negative thing about his mother..

So at the moment our relationship just hanging there not knowing the ending. We want to get married but none of us can proceed the next step to get married. I also have done a lot of damage to my family, even before he had a fight with his parents I also had a big argument with my family and my relatives. Due to his promise to his family, he won’t be able do my request and I can’t get married without him doing my family’s condition.

My questions are:
1) What should we do now? It is very hard for me to end this relationship after what we’ve been through and I don’t think I will find a guy like him in the future.
2) Should I move out and go separate way?
3) Do you think his parents brainwash him or voodoo?
4) How long must I wait to cure this broken heart?
5) Will I ever fall in love again?
6) My biological clock is ticking and I’m old enough to get married. I really worried if I wont be able to produce a baby..Do you think someone out there will accept and treat me as he does?

Please help me…

[smackie9]

The thing is that if you two want to get married you will both have to sacrifice your family ties period. If it is worth making that sacrifice then that will be up to the both of you to agree and proceed against family wishes.

I think you both should just immigrate to Canada (Vancouver) and say to hell with the rest of them. We have a large Indian and Asian population here so you will fit right in. Have a small ceremony or just go to city hall with a couple of friends and just get married by the Justice of the Peace. Done, start your new life.


As for finding someone else, that will be a tall order because you will be comparing any suitor that comes your way, and they won't have a chance.

BUT, yes if you put your mind to it you can fall in love again. You really need to talk to your guy and get him to make his decision quickly so you can make your plans.

[Wakeup]

If you want to marry this man then for goodness sakes get married. If you want to squabble over ceremonies and such then you should forget about each other and find someone who will be happy to keep the traditions you are both accustomed to. What the hell is more important to you .. his love and partnership or A Cerimony?

I feel sorry for you though.. if you are not the bride they would have chosen for their son then lets hope, should you get married, that they don't treat you like dirt.

[TeeJay19]

You don't marry someone based on your family's recomendation, you marry someone because YOU want to. If you two want to get married then get married. You're adults and you can make your own decisions.

Do it someplace neutral and if your families don't want to come then that's their problem. I don't know if you guys necessarily have to immigrate to another country (although I live in Vancouver and it is very nice. And as Smakie said, there is a very large Indian and Asian population here) but I'm sure you can find somewhere you can agree on.

Remember, you're not doing this for your parents, you're doing it for YOU.

[mwahahaha]

hi, i didnt read all your post , as it was a little long , but i skimmed it and got the jist. i like the idea that you suspect his parents have used voodoo on him , so ill go with that. Also , did you know that over 85% of indians have no internet access? In not sure of the internet stats for cowboys tho.

[Asip4u]

hi, i didnt read all your post , as it was a little long , but i skimmed it and got the jist. i like the idea that you suspect his parents have used voodoo on him , so ill go with that. Also , did you know that over 85% of indians have no internet access? In not sure of the internet stats for cowboys tho.

lol. nice little extra info there, mwahahaha.

As for the OP, i agree with what smackie9 posted.

[Jason2]

excellent

[Gr4ce]

Hi All,

Thank you all for your reply. I really appreciate it. Smackie - yes that is true it will be a long order for me comparing a suitor and it will be unfair for them too.

Teejay19 – we currently stay in Europe. Otherwise there is no way this relationship gone for more than 10 years. But unfortunately it is very difficult for us to get marry without having their blessing, especially from his side.

Wake up – you are right it does occur to me what happen if I becoming part of his family, will they treat me right or the other way round. I heard so many issues between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law hence I feel quite fortunate when I see her true colour at the early stage. Believe me she does behave like an angel when his around and a minute he leaves the room I feel devastating, just like that Cinderella movie apart that I have no prince to back me up. I just don’t understand why she hates me so much – I mean no harm for her son. I thought this kind of people only exist in the movie, now I have seen right on my face.

Mwahaha - sorry I don’t know how many % indians hv internet access but I do know they are genius in software/computer programming. My circles of friends mostly are this type of people. Please don’t get me wrong I don’t trust in voodoo too but a close friend of mine, she was born and brought up in India who told me all this do exist and she did advise me to be aware. Just like those magicians when they use the trick playing with our subconscious mind.

Thanks once again all, I still feel really stuck and due to age I don’t know what to do…leave or not to leave..