My boyfriend is always talking about his ex, but knows he shouldn't!

[G1ggl1es]

My boyfriend of 3 months is constantly bringing up his ex girlfriend, either just mentioning her name in conversation...or making her the subject of conversation. Theirs was a complicated relationship - she was a lot older than him & he was made to keep their relationship a secret, although everyone pretty much knew. They started off as just sex buddies & then became bf & gf about a year later. He was also the "other man". She broke up with him in August of last year, via text message with the words "It's over. It's just too hard." It absolutley shattered him. He told me about her on our very first date (didn't go into too much detail then though). We hang out every weekend (we live 30 minutes apart) & every time we do, he will mention her. Sometimes he will admit "I know I shouldn't talk about this..." Yet, his still does. I have asked a few questions about her, don't get me wrong, I am kinda curious, but at the same time, it does make me feel very uncomfortable whenever he talks about her. He tends to tell me alot about his past (high school years, college years, years spent DJing, etc) & I know she is a big part of his past. But sometimes, he will make the mistake of bringing up what they did sexually. He knows I'm a virgin & that he is my first serious boyfriend. He treats me like a princess & doesn't want to rush things. He says he has learnt a big lesson from being with his ex...that sex can completely ruin a relationship. One other thing that really upset me was a few weeks ago, he told me he has kept a box filled with stuff that she had given him over the 2 years they were together. He's bit of a hoarder, so he keeps EVERYTHING & ANYTHING that he has collected, recieved over the past 29 years...lol. But the clincher was when he said that if we happened to get married or move in together one day, that the box of stuff will come with us, but will never be opened, looked in, & just shoved to the back of the wardrobe somewhere.

I have the best time when I'm with him & I love listening him talking about his past (I've only known him since Sept last year), but it just gets me every single time whenever he mentions that C name. He is the first guy I have truly loved, but I'm just not used to all this confusion.

[Jason250]

He may be a forget his ex-wife, long time it is good he will know your good

[Boisdevie]

Tell him that his behaviour is annoying the shit out of you. But he should already realise this and obviously he doesn't so that makes him a dickhead. If he was treating you like a princess (I hate that phrase) then he wouldn't do this would he? Me? I'd dump him.

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post

[VincenzoG91]

I think he is wrong about the sex. He will get over her after he starts having sex with you.

[houseofglass11]

So he was cheating with her? Once a cheater always a cheater. I would drop this guy, he's not invested in your relationship 100%. If he thought it was ok to be the other man once he'll do it again. It shows that he has no respect for the boundaries of someone elses relationship so why would he respect the one he has with you?

[G1ggl1es]

No, he wasn't cheating on her. She was already with another man when they hooked up. But he didn't know until it started getting serious

[bluesummer]

Next time he says "I know I shouldn't talk about this...." just cut him off with "Good, then don't."

It's disrespectful of him to be bringing this stuff up with you constantly, especially the sexual stuff. You need to let him know it's annoying and hurting your relationship. You are not his shoulder to cry on and you're not there to carry around his baggage for him. It sounds like his heart and mind are somewhere else. Tread carefully.

[bootyful]

He sounds a lot like me when i thought i was over my ex & i really wasn't
I think you should sit down and talk to him...
Ask him if he has seriously moved on, that you don't want to get hurt...
Tell him it makes you uncomfortable when he talks about her...just tell him the truth of how u feel..
Everything you wrote here in your thread you should let him know..

[vashti]

The opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference. This man is not indifferent to his ex - he still carries deep feelings about her, and therefore cannot invest in YOU in the way you want.

I don't think you should have sex with this man. I think you should have sex with someone who cares more about YOU than someone else.

[bluesummer]

Hey Sandra, knock it off with all the post bumps ok. You don't need to bump a thread that was posted in two minutes ago.

[smackie9]

If he is a hoarder, than means he get too emotionally attached to things and memories and can't let go. That box proves he will never move on. Don't expect him to change.....and don't waste your virginity when it will be like all three of you in bed together.

[G1ggl1es]

We have shared a bed on a few occasions, but nothing has ever happened. The first time we woke up early in the morning & just chatted for hours. This was early in our relationship & he did bring her up a few times. The second time, we were on a sofabed in a room full of friends, so perhaps he didn't want to take it further or mention her in front of other people. Just recently, he admitted that perhaps he shouldnt have been felling me all the sordid stuff that they used to do together. I agreed. But then he mentioned "The reason why I tell you about her is because I want to be honest about the way she treated me." for months, he's been thinking that he used her in their relationship, whereas he has now begun to realize it was all her doing. She showered him with gifts (the ones he can't part with), until he fell in love with her & then she ended it with no explanation whatsoever. He says he can see a future with us (we've even started a bucketlist just for fun). There was never going to be a future with those 2. She was old enough to be his mother for a start!! He wasn't a very happy person while he was with her either. People who knew him when he was with her tell him how much more healthy & happy he's looking these days. He has even introduced me to people he couldn't introduce her to...like his grandparents, 2 people that are very close to him. They all like me & I feel right at home at family gatherings. He loves the normalcy of our relationship...something that theirs definitely wasn't (normal, that is!)

[bluesummer]

Again, he's looking to offload his baggage. Whatever he needs to sort out in his head in terms of his past relationship, he can discuss with friends or even just, I don't know, sort it out himself instead of dumping it all on you and looking for affirmation. Do you really need to know the gritty details about their relationship and how awful it was? The answer is NO you really don't, and it's not going to 'help' your relationship.

Im divorced from a man that treated me like absolute shit. The only thing my current husband knows about him is that he cheated on me. I saved the emotional dumping for my girlfriends and my family, where it belongs.

Honestly, he might be a great guy, I don't know him obviously......but he needs to cut this shit out. It clearly bothers you, and that's reason enough right there for him to take his past-relationship musings elsewhere.

[G1ggl1es]

We have just spent 4 wonderful days together, visiting the mutual friend that we met through. We got that little bit closer to taking our relationship to the next level. Yes...he mentioned the ex a few times (even launched into a story of how someone dobbed them in when they accidentally got caught one day), but I simply switched off & didn't listen. He could tell too. He was telling our friend all the sex stories, with me sitting beside him. When she left the room he looked at me & said "Sorry you had to hear that..." I went out & told my friend that it wasn't me that he'd been talking about. She let me know that when he talks to her about his ex, he never actually mentions her name...just refers to her as 'my ex.' He did that with me too on our first few dates (I actually found out her name myself by going through some of his past FB statuses...oops!)*

Today, though, something great happened. We spent a few hours together at his place & guess what?!!? Not a peep about that other woman!!