Rejection Pains

[Nightstar]

Hi,

As my first post in the forum I find it hard to talk about my feelings. Well being a man, 23 years old and in a tricky situation I feel it's good to talk about things, I don't usually do this online relationship stuff but something told me to join this forum and see what happens, maybe I can meet someone that can understand me, or relate to how im feeling

THE STORY

I have been with my girlfriend almost 2 years, I do love her but she says she can't feel the all too elusive "spark" anymore. To be honest Im pretty fed up. The only serious relationship I can count myself in was my ex before my current girlfriend. ( Ill talk about the exes of my past first)

The PAST, THE EXES AND HOW IT AFFECTED ME

In the past, my ex, She was just bad news, selfish and she only wanted to see me on her terms plus it was a long distance thing. It hurt me, because I flew all the way overseas to meet her and on the second night of being there she threw me out. Said she wasnt sure if it was going to work so I had to go, she didn't care where, was worried what her friends would think of me etc. I had to stay in an airport overnight for an emergency flight home. It really damaged me, I'm a pretty tough guy but my next flight was almost a day away and my credit card wouldn't work out there, I was dead broke with nothing but a plane ticket home. Weak hungry and dehydrated.

I admit I cried for a bit then felt empty, I have been on the bad side of women many times before my ex I had my first relationship that lasted a month with an 18 year old girl that had little maturity, in the end telling me she "kissed a girl" because she wanted to see how it felt and because we were going thru difficulty.

After both these experiences with exes I cut them of completely, no phone, no Facebook, nothing.
I hated these girls for what they did to me and I felt they still expected me to still be friends as and when they wanted.

I still haven't quite understood or got over the pain of how certain women can treat you as a man, all these experiences have been negative in the end.

I wear my heart on my sleeve I'm a proud and a tough person, focused, but this sort of knocked my focus, I have never been the same.

PRESENT DAY & THE PROBLEMS NOW

So after that I met my new girlfriend, she is 25, I'm 23. I love her a lot, even though she is not perfect either, she admits she is sarcastic and bossy, but I do love her, she has been good to me and I have finally felt that I have met a good woman finally worthy of my respect and admiration. I have just finished university and got a 1st class degree, the highest possible, it has put a strain on my relationship but I made a commitment to study before I met her and had to see it through on principle. I did it for us in the hopes I can be a good man and look after my woman and put food on the table with a good job.

So far in this recession I have not found a job, (its early days I know as i finished university in February this year) but I have been depressed because of this, my girlfriend has found a job her friend sent her and deep down I feel useless, like I can't provide for my own woman, I want to be able to have a house and a car and provide for my family as a man should but I just feel useless and depressed, to suppress this I have been taking St Johns Wort tablets a natural form of antidepressant and it really seems to have worked, im not suicidal just down.

The news keeps talking about 4 million unemployed in the UK and it adds a dampener on things, I don't want to be stuck indoors with no one but my dog for company trying to get more clients for my business or find work.

My girlfriend says that I focus and talk too much about my work and trying to establish my Buisness than being romantic and she says it is straining things, she often complains because she has a car and I'm failed my test. I'm still taking lessons and am ready for my test now but it still seems a strain, that added with no major money coming in makes things difficult.

She says she cants see the spark anymore, it's gone. She doesn't want to hug or kiss or hold my hand. She says let's give it a month, this just reminds me of the past, and my exes and it hurts, part of me wants to cut her off too but I love her and I'm hoping at the end of this month she will change her mind, I just booked £135 theatre tickets for us to go this Wendsday, money that I don't really have, but I'm hoping she will realise because my studies are over, I'm serious and want a future and can try and work towards it.

But part of me is scared history will repeat and she will say, no I can't feel it lets just be friends, because i will flip and just cut her off as a safety mechanism, I already deleted her of Facebook, I told her why because I needed space. But the real reason I avoided save another argument it was because:

She kept talking about how men would try chat her up and how stupid they were on her statuses and she commented on a pic her mum took in the shopping centre of some random topless men saying "Hello Boys x" it really pissed me off because if u are going thru difficulty you try and talk it through not do childish stupid things like that, after all when we were happy she never did that :
I just don't want all this to be a waste or I'll give up on women for good and just become a recluse or something. Im trying to keep a brave face, but I never really had many friends to talk to about my problems or people that could cheer me up.

I hope at least someone can say something to make things better.. Because it's pretty hard to stay focused with all these emotions going on...

[Jason278]

Thanks for your post.

[bluesummer]

So, a few things here....first off, have you taken the time to sit back and examine why your gf is feeling the way she is? It sounds like you are sliding into a depression here and that sort of energy has the tendency to drag surrounding people into it and they tend to resent that. Do you stop and listen to the words you use with her? Do you talk constantly about feeling like a failure, feeling depressed, obsessing about finding a job? It sounds to me like this is probably exactly what you're doing. Negative talk to her and to yourself. That's not an attractive quality to the majority of people.

Ok, so you don't have a job. Focus on the positive....you have a good education. Keep looking for work but don't discuss it with her constantly. You may have to take a less-than-ideal job for the time being to put some money in your bank account. Just do it and be happy about it. I hope you don't expect to land yourself a prime position right out of school or start up a business that will financially support you when there are plenty of unemployed people out there with far more education and experience than yourself. Some people ARE lucky enough to get good jobs out of school, but most don't (especially not in this economy). I had to humble myself and go work at Starbucks Coffee for about 8 months when the recession hit, but I didn't bitch about it, I just went to work and earned what I could with a smile on my face because I knew anything less would just get my husband down too.

So to sum it up, stop wallowing in your self-pity. Start viewing life differently and stop the negative and work talk around your gf unless you want to lose her. If you keep thinking of yourself as a failure she eventually will think of you like that too. Think of yourself as a winner and be positive no matter what your circumstance and she will see you THAT way. It's a simple change to make, it's just your outlook on life, but it will change everything.

[Nightstar]

Thanks Bluesummer, your right... Well I do have a Buisness running.. It's not the most successful but at least every month or so I make some money, ur right to I have done the hard graft before, Ill just go back to construction work as that will give me something to do..

Yh I'm down your right but how to fix it but like you say, being positive... It is pretty hard for me especially as I don't have many friends to help me ie talking things through, seeing the bigger picture.

I agree with you, I need to kick this habit. I'm willing to kick it. I would do anything to kick it.

[Jason278]

many thanks

[bluesummer]

Hey, it's not going to happen overnight.

Ok, so you have a background on construction....good! Use that for now! I bet you will start feeling more positive if you're engaged in something and bringing in some extra money.

The easiest way to stay positive is to be thankful for the great things you have, everyday. A great girlfriend, a good education, a business you've started up on your own. You're doing better than a lot of other people. That's a reason to be happy right there.

[Nightstar]

Your right! It's not that, I guess to be honest the hardest thing to deal with is when I'm with her, I want to hold her and kiss and try and bring things back, but she wants to push me away.

Well yesterday we went to the theatre, she said she loved it and seemed happy but all the while I was thinking why is she distancing herself, like when I used to go in to kiss her it would last a good minute or so, now it's a second and it seems like she doesn't want to, I didn't enjoy the evening because in the back of my mind I was hoping I was doing something right to bring the "spark" back.

I feel like I'm getting pushed away, I wanted to see if she would make any moves to hug me but it was me doing everything and I just felt brushed away.

I came into the situation positive and left it not knowing what to think because that's enough to knock any man no matter how much of a positive spin he puts on things.

I also got her a rose she has it in her room, I'm just going to go quiet now, maybe I'm wrong but that might help because she is left with a good memory and when she sees the flower every morning she will think of me, I want her to miss me as much as I miss having the old her back. So I think the only way is to keep quiet now, we did the theatre and she enjoyed it more than I did so maybe it's a start, I'm just afraid taking a step back now will make her more distant.

That's what's really the most hardest thing at the moment..

[Rigoberto1]

Good point

[bluesummer]

Well the other part of this may be just that she really isn't interested in the relationship anymore, and it doesn't necessarily have to do with YOU. She may have changed or wants something different. It happens to a lot of people at your age. You can't take that personally. If she can't get that 'spark' back or isn't trying to, it's better for your own health and sanity to break up with her - honestly. It will hurt, no doubt, but it's better than having the two of you drag each other down in your misery and end up hating each other right?

I think you need to have a sit-down straight up talk with her about everything that's on your mind. Tell her where you know you've been wrong and what you're doing to change that. Tell her you love her and she's important to you, but also make sure she knows that the way she's acting is hurting you. Her position and reaction to a conversation like this will likely tell you what your next move to make is.

At the end of the day, whatever happens, you still have to keep on with making positive changes with regards to your outlook on life. No one else can love you until you love yourself, no joke. It took me until I was 27 to figure that out and I wished I done so sooner as I would've saved myself a ton of negativity and grief early on. Good luck.

[Jason960]

Thanks for your post.

[Stanle1]

bumb ubm!