How to stop fighting with my boyfriend????

[ketl]

My boyfriend and I are constantly fighting. It is like we now have specific roles where he is the “too angry one” and I am the “too sensitive one” and we are completely unable to communicate once these get started.


Example: We were making out and I asked him if he liked what we were doing. He said, “no.” I thought he was being deadpan or something so I said, “you don’t like it?” and he said no and got angry. Well it turns out he was irritated because he thought I was saying “do you mind what we are doing.” Apparently in his mind, once he got irritated I was supposed to completely not react and go back to cuddling. When I looked shocked he just said, “ok, fine I’m going to go surf the net.” I was more shocked. Commence a long fight with him lecturing me about being too sensitive and me crying for an hour.


Another example: I asked if he minded that I wanted to cancel on our weekly dinner date with his friends. He got annoyed and stuff. Then he explained why he really wanted to go this week and not cancel. So I suggested that he just go without me and I stay home. That really annoyed him. When pressed later he said he was annoyed that I was seemingly trying to compromise because he hates having people do him favors. So I said to him he didn’t usually hate me doing favors. He kept saying he didn’t know why he was angry at me but he was.
He was angrily lecturing me about why every little thing with me “turns into an hourlong discussion,” and we canceled our plans to go to the park and drove home because we were fighting. Cue me going off to be alone, crying again. He came to me after that and said that he was “depressed” and so sorry.
Another example: I’ll admit that I’m kind of sensitive… literally hours after, we went to dinner and the waitress was kind of rude. We were talking about how people we know handle rudeness in other people. So he was like, “Man, [our mutual friend] would have totally known how to handle that situation, she is the least socially awkward person I know.” So I was like “ha ha… I hope you’re not making a comparison!” And he was like “WHY DO YOU ALWAYS DO THIS” and got very annoyed.


I think there’s some kind of problem with our communication here because my boyfriend never used to feel that I was “doing” things—granted, I am usually not this insecure, but, well, my boyfriend has been constantly angry with me lately. I am extremely attentive and careful to make sure he’s happy. I check with him about everything. I never try to jump to conclusions with him. I have no idea where this dissatisfaction is coming from.


These three fights above were all in the past 24 hours but are pretty typical. Help!!!!

[Boisdevie]

Option 1. Talk to him and get this problem resolved = you stay together because it's working
Option 2. Talk to him and fail to get this problem resolved = you have to decided if it's worth staying together

[ketl]

Haha succinct... I like it
Oh yeah we are both 24/25, together 1 yr, first real relationship for both of us, it's serious

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're annoying as shit to him, and it's so built up now, that everything you do annoys him. You're both immature, and you probably spend too much time together.

[ketl]

You're annoying as shit to him

troll

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Unfortunately for you, I'm not a troll, and writing me off as one doesn't change the reality of your situation. You constantly get on his nerves, with your whining, insecurity, and begging for validation...then starting a fight when you don't get that validation.

[ketl]

...................troll

[VincenzoG91]

Three separate fights within 24 hours seems like a lot, and none of them were about important issues. Are you living with your boyfriend? You might want to give him some more space after an argument, or maybe just give him more space in general. Because it does seem like he is getting annoyed at you. It also sounds like he is kind of an insensitive jerk, which is increasing your insecurity.

[pisces25]

He isn't a troll lovey, look at his post counts. He is speaking the truth. Perhaps you just don't want to hear the truth.

[smackie9]

You are not getting along.....break up please.

[ketl]

pisces25
He isn't a troll lovey, look at his post counts. He is speaking the truth. Perhaps you just don't want to hear the truth.

BackUpOrGetStng
You're annoying as shit to him, and it's so built up now, that everything you do annoys him. You're both immature, and you probably spend too much time together.

Maybe you should go to therapy because I can't believe you try to conduct relationships with that kind of outlook. Communication and spending time together are positive things in secure relationships. Perhaps you are both dismissive type people?

I feel like neither of you feel particularly perceptive about the intimacy or kindness that are the core of relationships, thus, I assume either you are trolls or seriously wasting your time here.

I have a feeling this is going to fall on deaf ears but honestly, I feel like I'm better equipped to give you two advice than vice versa.

Good luck, but please take the replies elsewhere, because you're both kind of rude and it's derailing my question.

[Jason521]

Oh yeah we are both 24/25, together 1 yr, first real relationship for both of us, it's serious

[smackie9]

Oh yeah we are both 24/25, together 1 yr, first real relationship for both of us, it's serious

Then you have not enough experience to know that this relationship fails. There is better than this out there hun.

[bulrush]

You two sound incompatible. He is probably too angry, and you sound too sensitive.

Also, it takes two to fight. So why do you get sucked into the fights over and over? You chose that.

Stop being so desperate and holding on to someone you fight with all the time. Find someone more easy going. Someone who understands and accepts your emotions.

And no, most people here are not dismissive. I've been here about a year and they give solid advice. Maybe you don't like their tone, but their advice is still solid. The problem is, we see a LOT of relationship questions where the people just are incompatible, and they don't have the skills to work it out. That makes for a big fat fail, which is why we suggest finding someone new. You can't change him, he can't change you, you both just have to find more compatible people. Nothing wrong with either of you. But it clearly isn't working.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Communication and spending time together are positive things in a secure relationship. Overcommunication and spending too much time together causes friction between people, even in the securest of relationships. Secure couples don't typically have 3 different fights in a 24 hour period. You turn everything into an hour long discussion..that's frustrating and makes people not want to talk to you. You also sound really clingy and dependent on your boyfriend and it's probably taking a big toll on the way he sees you. It's healthy to have a life of your own without your boyfriend so you're not so dependent on your boyfriend for happiness. Do you have hobbies or anything you do without him?

Apparently, you don't think I'm just a troll since you felt compelled to wish cancer on me via private message. Did something I say strike a nerve?