Grilfriend wants to take a break?

[Chris660]

I am seeking advice please. In April 2003 I met a girl named Valeria. We met at her workplace. She was a bank teller and I was an armored car guard who came in to refill the ATM's. We started talking through email and eventually went out on a date in June of 2003. This was the start of a great relationship.

Now that I look back at the initial stages of our relationship, I acted in a callous and ridiculous manner. I have had 6 previous relationships before this one and they were all bad. They were with girls that I was only attracted to physcially. They were all short-term relationships too. My longest before Valeria was 6 months.

So, in the initial parts of my relationship with Valeria, I figured things were never going to work out. I guess my satire and behavior was a defense mechanism because of getting hurt in the past so much. I could tell she was getting attached early, but I didn't feel the same. Instead of basing this on her actions, I was an idiot and based this on my past experiences with other women and completely ignored how nice and sweet she was with me.

When we went out she would observe another couple with children, and she would always say things like "that's so sweet, I hope we're like that when we get married" or "when we have kids" and I would always come back with "I never want to get married and have kids." I also based this on my past relationships, what married/divorced men have told me about not getting married, and my dad being unhappily married to my stepmom.

So things have been going great up until about a month ago. She had this big conversation with me stating that she loved me, but felt that i didn't feel the same because of my always saying I don't want to get marrired or kids. She said she wants these things one day and said she doesn't know if I do or not. I said that honestly I don't know if I ever want to get married or have kids. I told her that she was changing my cynical view of marriage and children, but it's not an overnight thing. So she seemed she felt better, but each week she kept bringing it up again and again. So then on Saturday, she told me that she wanted to take a break because she was "confused" with our relationship. She told me she loved me, and she felt I loved her, but she said the truth of the matter is that we want different things. I tried to reassure her that I might get married someday, just right now I know I'm not ready. She said she wasn't sure if she believed that I ever wanted to get married or have kids. She said my actions sometimes suggested I did, and sometimes suggested I didn't. So I asked her if we could get together on Monday because she was off from work and so was I. She said she didn't know, but then eventually agreed.

So I called her Monday morning and asked her if I could come over. So she said she wasn't sure. She was 50/50 on whether she wanted me to come over or not. But then she finally said that if I came over she wasn't going to tell me to go back home. So I went to her house Monday.

We had what seemed like a great day. It was like every time I see her. We had a great time together during the day. So then we went out to dinner and this is the point it was very awkward. Because right before dinner she said we still needed to talk. So at dinner we really didn't say much. So after dinner we went out into my car in the parking lot, and I laid my heart on the table trying to reassure her that I love her and I care about her and I want to make things work between us. But she basically kept saying she
didn't know if things could work out between us.

so I drove her home and we talked some more in the car when we got back to her place. She said she was sorry and she shouldn't have let it get to this point but she isn't sure if we can still be together. So I asked her if I could come in and we could talk about it inside, but she said she didn't want to and she just wanted to walk to her door and I drive away. So I said I had to use the bathroom and she asked me if that was true, and it actually was. So after, I stood in her kitchen, which is right near the entry way door, and reached my arms out to hug her. So we embraced for a good 5 minutes and I took my hand, brushed her hair from her ears, put my mouth right up to her ear and said softly "I love you with all my heart and all my soul, I just hope that during our time togther that I made you just a little bit as happy as you made me. The only thing I want is for you to be happy in life because you are a great person and you deserve it." At this point she started crying heavily and I just held her as tight as I could. So then I kissed her, and told her "I don't want to say goodbye, but you have my number and you have my email, and I just want to let you know I will always be here for you if you need me." So she just nodded her head yes and smiled and I did the same and I walked out the door.

So then I drove home, got changed, climbed into bed and basically cried my eyes out because I have no idea what to do to try to salvage this relationship.

Half of me says "well, since she's confused you should convince her that you do love her and do want to be with her.....not just now but for a long-time to come. I thought I was doing a good job of this, but then last night proves me wrong. I still want to talk to her right now to try to convince her that I do love her.....but I don't know what more I could say or what more I could do than I already did to prove it to her.

Now, the other half of me says "just leave her alone, if she still cares about you.....she will contact you eventually and try to work things out." If it was meant to be, it will be.

So I wrote this long email to her basically reinforcing what I said Monday night to try to convince her that I do love her. So she wrote me back this morning and said the truth of the matter is that we both want different things. We didn't break up but she just wants time to think. She thinks our time apart will affect things 2 different ways: 1) Our time apart will make us realize how much we mean to each other and our love will be stronger when we get back together or 2) we don't get back together and we'll just be really good friends. She said she loves me a lot because if she didn't she never would've stayed with me for this long. Then she ended by saying if I need someone to talk to don't hesitate to call or email her.

So I don't know what to do. I love her so much and I want to be with her right now. I want to try to work things out right now. I think if I give her the space she wants, things are gonna fall apart and I don't want to stand by watching this happen and do nothing. But then I think if I keep trying to contact her, she's gonna get fed up since she says she wants this time apart. So it seems like a no win situation to me.

So, I'm hoping you can offer me some advice.

Thank you very much for your time. I appreciate you reading this

[C1d6OC]

Now, the other half of me says "just leave her alone, if she still cares about you.....she will contact you eventually and try to work things out." If it was meant to be, it will be.

I quoted this because this is what you should do. You have told her everything she needs to know and she knows you love her and will be there for her always. The way I see it is that you are not ready for marriage and kids, but she is. This is a big deal, because you have totally different viewpoints. You told her that one day it may happen, but you just don't feel it now.

I want to say that you have handled this well, because you have stuck with your guns and told her how you view your own morals. You have to understand that it's not going to change either way, unless one of you bends. I'm not saying that should be you, but ideally this girl has been your best so far. Unfortunately, you can only bend if you want to, but don't force it. I'm just saying if you're willing to change, do it for you and not for anyone - as much as you may think that may be the only way to fix things.

I'm not sure what will come of this break, but take time for yourself as well to figure out if maybe you are ready, you just don't know if you want to take that extra jump yet. I has been nearly 2 years, but believe me, there's still a lot to know about someone even after that long. If you do see a future for this one then maybe you should start considering, but as I said before, it has to come naturally. Take your own advice and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Cdoc

[Junket]

OH MY GOD IT'S ALL OVER!

(Don't take this post seriously, cause I didn't read your story.)

[C1d6OC]

way to give him hope fras...lol

Seriously Chris660...it may not be over

[yoshikuni]

I agree with C1d60C on this one. I think you've done everything right. You revealed all of the love you have for her and put all your feelings in the open for her. Its really up to her now. So its best if you back off and let her make her decision since you've seemed to have made yours. Its really the only way to find out if it was meant to be, since successful love is a mutual thing. When and if she does come back (which I'm remaining hopeful for ya), wait to see if she lays her feelings down before you rush out and buy that ring *eherm* or some romantic stuff for her. Once again wishing you the best...good luck.

[Chris660]

thanks guys..... she wrote me another email that says:

Let me start by saying, I love you, I've loved you for a long time and always felt like i gave and put more into our relationship than you. The entire time we were together i hoped you would see and realize all things that are in your letter. I guess part of me couldn't take it anymore, being hurt and not receiving all the love i gave.

Thank you so much for your words and for giving me the space i need right now. Don't be surprised if i do call or email you, i don't want you out of my life completely during our break. If that's ok with you of course, and if you need to talk know that I'm here for you too.

So I don't know what's gonna happen? She still wants to call/talk to me, just doesn't want me around right now. WTF?? Maybe she found another guy and wants me to hang around just incase he doesn't work out?

But all I can do is wait it out I guess.

[yoshikuni]

Ahh, and the paranoia sets in... Although, she does sound a little selfish there. "not recieving all the love I gave" It sounds like she hasn't walked that complete mile in your shoes yet...