what is he thinking???

[heartstrings]

I hope someone could help me with this situation that I am going through right now as I am sick and tired of this bitter heart ache. Sorry if this ends up being a long post, and please forgive any spelling mistakes since I am Typing this from my phone. I need to know what's on my ex's mind!!

I met my ex around 2.5 yrs ago. At first, we were just friends as I didn't really like him as a bf when I first met him. We started going out after 7 months. During this time, he did his best to impress him and make me like him. His effort in trying to date me made me wanna give him a chance. As we started going out I slowly but surely fell in love with him as time went by. He was extremely sweet and so in love. He would show me off, and took pride in going out with me as he thought I was a really good girl. Sometimes he would say that I was too good to be true. We lived 2 hours away since I moved back home, but he would come and see me every weekend. He couldn't function if he could not hear my voice one day.

My family were against our marriage because of our education difference since I hold a masters degree, but he had a diploma. But it was not important to me. I loved him for who he was. He obtained his electrician license to make me happy. And trust me I was very happy in this relationship, and thought life was beautiful. But there were some problems. He was very strict in terms of what I wear, and who I talk to. He said he couldn't take other guys taking to me as I was only his.

After a year, he would get upset at the fact that I never went and stayed with him. But since I was living with my strict persian parents I just had to leave them for ever or do as my bf said. I would still try to go and see him leaving my house early in the morning. Once my mom found out that I am going to his city to see him and said if I left I could not go back home. I told him that and he said that I either go see him or forget about him. I was so scared to lose him so I got in a huge fight with my mom and left to see him, something that my mom blames me for to this very day. His parents were also against me for whatever reason that I didn't understand. But he forced them to come to my house and talk to my parents about marriage. That was in September 2011, and my mom had invited my uncle who decided that we should think more and set a date for our wedding in Jan. my ex did not like my family and he didn't like the fact that they tried to control me. I am 29, but my patents are strict Persians.

Anyway, after they left my house him and his paretns got in a huge fight about what would happen to their house if he gets married since they shared their house. After a month he became really distant. The same person who couldn't sleep if he didn't hear my voice would not take my calls, and would just ignore me. I cried for four straight months but remained very understanding but I would complain about his coldness, and he would say he is just tired from work. But sometimes he would go back to his normal self and apologize and say that he really loves me and doesn't know why he treated me like that.

In December he was getting very distant so I told him its better if we take a break. He said ok but please don't think there is anyone else involved here, I just feel depressed and need sometime alone. But then I heard from friends that he had told them we broke up. After the break up he was distant for awhile. I was a complete mess after the breakup. He messaged me a few days later to wish me happy new year, and when I told him what I was going through he said that he is going through hell as well. He said that he has taken off a week from work because of his emotional state, and I do believe him. My friend asked one of his friends about how my ex was doing, and they said he is very confused and a complete mess. He had told his friends that getting married is hard nowadays. They said at times when he would get drunk he would tell them that he wants to call me to get back, but the next day he would say no I am not going to. This whole time for the past 5 months I have been going insane without him, to the point where I am getting heart problems, but I just cant stop myself from loving him and damaging my body for the first month, I told him that I loved him and we should get back nd he kept saying that he loves me with all his heart, but can not be with me. He said because he could not move to my city, and also cuz my mom and him did not like each other things wont work. Then I started acting cold and he kept begging me to go to see him, but then I forgot to wish him happy birthday..he got extremely upset and all those plans got cancelled. Now he has popped back into my life again for the past month, and says all these wonderful things to me about how he loves and misses me, and thinks we should get together, and talk about the possibility of getting back. This could also be due to the fact that I am moving to where he lives starting in September, and he knows he could have me all to himself without all those family pressures. He says he cant love anybody else, but does not know if we will be happy together cuz of families not liking each other. He is very afraid of getting married, and keeps talking about the rate of divorce. I dont know what I should do with him.. I love him with all my heart, but I know my family will kill me if I got back with him, because they think he is not the type of guy to take responsibility and stay committed to me. They think he could change his mind and divorce me any time if things go slightly wrong.. I just don't understand how he could live without me if he loves me as much as he claims..how can he say that he is dying to see me but not make any attempt to see me ..I asked him and he said if he sees me he will go crazy..

[smackie9]

Your choice of BF stems from what you were exposed to in childhood. You were raise by strict and controlling parents, so it's behavioral prediction that you would find yourself with a BF/ future husband that treats you the same way. I don't know what country you are from but I will give you a north American point of view.

#1. You are an adult, you should be able to decide who you want to marry, without consent. But it sounds to me traditionally you need approval to do so.
#2. Your parents are more concerned about protecting their financial assets. You are to inherit a certain amount of of their property and traditionally share a portion of their house. This is something that you will have to give up, but not their relationship with you. Basically they are telling you you will get nothing from them money and property wise, and that you will be on your own. You will never have their financial support.
#3.Your relationship with him is not perfect at all. He is insecure, manipulative, controlling, and emotionally unstable. If a man can't let you be who you are and trust you, it is an open opportunity for failure. Since he is this way, I can see him getting worse once he knows he has you. You will be living in misery living under his dictatorship, and possibly the abusiveness with turn physical.
#4. When you marry, you marry into each other's families. If both family's have a hate for each of you, you will never be able to carry on with any traditions, holidays, dinners or celebrations. Why would you want to raise children in a environment like that.
#5. Don't expect any of this to get better. This whole thing (him vs family) will never have a happy ending.
#6. Your parents expect better of you. You have an education, now use it, and meet someone who is mature, loving, respectful and trusting. Your BF is none of those things. He is pissed off at you and is blaming all this on you. That's why he is behaving the way he is. He hates losing the battle. If you get back together, he will never let you for get about all of this, and will use it against you in future arguments...I can guarantee it.

When you are in love and can't have what you want, your have no way of seeing what repercussions are ahead of you. Instinctively you want to be with him even tho you neglect to see what is truly best for YOU. I hope with my perspective you might have a better view of what is going on.

What is he thinking? He is being stubborn because he can't have his own way, and that he doesn't have control of you. Seeing you and knowing your parents have control over you again it only angers him....Sorry but he is a jerk and isn't mature enough to work with your parents or his family....it's way too much for his big fat ego to take.

[IndiReloaded]

You typed all that from your phone? How many hours did that take?

[heartstrings]

Thank you so much for your response. I am going through a very difficult time.. I have been hospitalized twice and I am losing tons of weight.. I just can't get him out of my mind. I love your feedback and will definitely use some of your perspectives in order to make the final decision. There are some weird things that he is doing that makes me think he still loves me. He has asked me three times to meet up with him and discuss the possibility of getting back. But every time I have agreed to meet him he disappears on me for couple of days.

I left my scarf in his car when we were going out, and to this day he still keeps it by his bed.. Last month he sent me a pic of it hanging on his bed.. I asked him to return it and he said he can't cuz the smell reminds him of me..

Last time I met him I knew we were going to break up and I cried a lot.. He has kept all those napkins that I used to dry my tears.. I just don't understand why he is holding on to things that remind him of me when he actually let gO of me..

[heartstrings]

Around 10 minutes lol

[smackie9]

Thank you so much for your response. I am going through a very difficult time.. I have been hospitalized twice and I am losing tons of weight.. I just can't get him out of my mind. I love your feedback and will definitely use some of your perspectives in order to make the final decision. There are some weird things that he is doing that makes me think he still loves me. He has asked me three times to meet up with him and discuss the possibility of getting back. But every time I have agreed to meet him he disappears on me for couple of days.

I left my scarf in his car when we were going out, and to this day he still keeps it by his bed.. Last month he sent me a pic of it hanging on his bed.. I asked him to return it and he said he can't cuz the smell reminds him of me..

Last time I met him I knew we were going to break up and I cried a lot.. He has kept all those napkins that I used to dry my tears.. I just don't understand why he is holding on to things that remind him of me when he actually let gO of me..

Sorry dear but that isn't love, that is manipulation. He is messing with your head to get back at you...he is so playing you with those words. His ego is crushed, he is mad because of his lack of control over the situation. When he says he will meet you, he is doing it to see if he can regain some of that control again...he is being a sore loser. Stop looking at this as something romantic, because it's not. It's abusive behavior.

You can't possible let a person take over your whole being, he is not worth it, no person is. You really need to let go. This is not good for you or your health. Get some grief counseling.

[JasonSA]

Thanks for your post

[Esther20]

Thanks for your post

[justinbran1]

Thanks for the post dear. God bless uh.

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[smackie9]

Piss off with the spam you assholes!

[Esther52]

Thanks for your post.

[IndiReloaded]

Those things *are* weird, and leave it at that. Focus on your health. Don't add to your problems thinking about this guy.

[heartstrings]

You were so right..I did get back with him, and he ended up leaving me again after a few days..I should have listened to you..you read right into his stupid manipulative mind. However, I have now learned my lesson and will never go back to that piece of crap..Other than making my life a living hell he did nothing for me

[smackie9]

I'm so sorry you are going through such pain and disappointment. Yes it is a hard lesson to learn, but the good thing is that you will grow from this experience which will give you more promise in your future when you meet the right man to share your life with. Best of luck