Hard time after abusive relationship.

[JadenMia]

I am feeling a little low again after my relationship ended nearly 2 months ago.. I was feeling pretty good last week, i havnt heard from him due to the restraining order in place and i felt like life was getting back to normal.
For a little back ground info for those that dont know, my ex was extremely physically and mentally abusive. After enough people had reported him for the things he did to me, i went and gave a statement to the police where they pressed charges and put a restraining order in place.

First off, i thought all hassle would be gone after my ex wasnt allowed to contact me directly or indirectly, but it seems that he has found other ways to shit on me.. he has been telling people all sorts of things about me, that i have spoken badly about them, telling people all sorts of lies about why we ended etc.. Whereas i have tried to keep my mouth shut about it and let it blow over. I feel alone, people i was once friends with, hate me now from been told i say this sort of stuff and i feel like no matter what i do he always finds a way to completely isolate me.

It sounds like immature crap, but it is really hurting.. I have never had so many people dislike me and never had to deal with this sort of stuff.. When really all i did was take his abuse for 3 years and when i feel i finally did the right thing it comes crashing down on me. People tell me to ignore him but it is easier said than done.. Any advice?

Also, i am confused about my feelings over the breakup. I dont even KNOW what i feel anymore, i sometimes miss him, i sometimes hate him, but most of the time i just feel like im in auto pilot, numb in a way. No happiness, no sadness, no acceptance.. nothing. Is this normal? Why do i feel this way?


To add, i do attend all sorts of meetings with domestic abuse workers, counsellors etc. I have attended codependant meetings also but not really the thing for me. But all we seem to talk about is what has happened and reassuring me that i am safe and that i did the right thing. Not really coping with my feelings or memories. I think a therapist would help more but that costs money!
Everytime i think of a situation about my ex i feel physically sick and sometimes vomit at the thought of him hitting me or calling me names etc.. In my first meeting with my counsellor i vomited also.. I just cant even talk about it without crying and not been able to talk.. I feel like i am ruined for the rest of my life and im not sure what to do with myself..

Any advice would be awesome. Thanks in advance.

[Esther20]

Thanks for your post

[HeartIsAching]

I thought Canada had socialized medicine?

[pisces25]

You do need a therapist and you need to make it a priority. Borrow the money from friends and/or family or take out a loan. Without resolving this it will just linger on and yes, ruin your life.

[JadenMia]

Sorry it took me SO long to reply, been very busy.
Anyway, Canada does have socialized medicine, but everywhere i have looked into around here for therapy it costs a great deal. I met with my crisis worker on thursday and i explained how im feeling and told her i need help. She said because she isnt a therapist talking to me about the specific abuse could do more damage than good. So she has referred me to my doctor to talk about it and hopefully find some free therapy or help. Sadly my appointment isnt until the 14th so deal with until then i guess.

I just dont know whats going on with me.. He treated me badly but yet i just miss him more and more everyday.. Now its to the point tears are in my eyes constantly thinking about it over and over. Almost like i am going backwards in my grief and not progressing. Waiting until the 14th seems like forever.. Im trying to stay strong but being haunted by my thoughts and dreams is driving me insane.

*sigh*

Just to add, lending money really isnt going to help right now, im a single mother and i stress about money enough already, i really dont want anymore debt.

[Wakeup]

I thought Canada had socialized medicine?

Our medical programme would cover her going to a psychiatrist but not a psychologist. However; if she has a health programme through work then it would be covered most likely. I've sent Op several links to government agencies in her province that would help her and set her up for getting the help she needs. I'm not sure she's even contacted any of them though. (Sorry to talk like you're not here Jaden)

Sadly my appointment isnt until the 14th

Surely if you call and tell him you need to see him before the 14th he/she will fit you in. Why wouldn't you call and ask to have it moved up? Stop being martyrish and do something to help yourself.

Have you called any of the Battered Women's support groups I linked you up to? Forums for battered women may help you more than this particular forum will (???) since they can give you advice on how to overcome your OCD thinking about the ex. Also: I'm not sure about the province you're in but here in Ontario you can get your councelling by a psychologist for free but it is in a group setting in the local hospital. Your doctor will know more about that so get callin to move that appointment up sooner.

[MaidenMinx]

Oh Jaden, I'm so sorry to hear this. Last we heard you were moving on with someone new. What happened? Did the rumours kill that?

Honey, I think you need to start saving your Pennies so you can move out of that godawful little town.
Do call your doctor and hassle them about your appointment. The squeaky wheel gets oiled first, so it's time to make some noise.
As for why you can't get over him, I believe you made yourself comfortable in the little hell he provided for you and you're having to try and get comfortable on your own. You will get there Jade. You really will.

Please take wake ups advice about the battered womens forums. I'm sure there you'll find better help. And you can always pm me here. I might not get back to you immediately, but I will eventually

[smackie9]

I thought Canada had socialized medicine?

Medication and counseling is not covered. There is free counseling for cancer patients and their family members but I think that's covered by the cancer society. If you are below poverty or are going to school, you can claim it when you file for your taxes and get most of the fees back or all of it. There are a lot of things that our medical system does not cover anymore, and one of them is an eye examination. You used to get 10 free visits to physiotherapy, (you still pay a 20 to 30 dollar service fee) but I think that's been knocked down to half to none. We still get hospital stay, surgery, and doctor visits....I think I pay like 58 bucks a month.

[asdfg789]

@JM : stay strong ! You can get through this. Do you have some friends/relatives in another town/city/province you can move to and try to find a new job etc ?
Would be good to totally get out of your current environment.

Good luck !

[JadenMia]

Wakeup, yes I have gone through and contacted every one of the links you provided of which applied to myself. I currently har regular visits with 3 workers, 1 of which are from our local womens shelter who do help very much so! I have counselling and attend meetings, i visited a place in town called community partners which also specializes in women with children after abusive relationships.
I didn't just accept the 14th I tried getting in earlier than that, I'm not a complete sap... Lol 14th was actually the earliest and if anyone cancel I will be first in line so they say.

Coming to this forum for me is just nice as I'm familiar with it and like to talk to people I am familiar with here. It helps to write out how i feel here as it's just a nice release when I have nobody else to talk to at that time. Usually late at night when I'm in bed over thinking. Lol
I am actually really considering moving back home to England.. It's just such a big decision. I have my friends there and people I can trust so it would be nice. But I also hate the though of leaving my immediate family. They are my biggest supporters so it would be kinda hard. Just something to think about until my trial is in court anyway.

The new fling was going pretty well, but I noticed some huge red flags so I just broke it off. I don't need anymore nonsense in my life right now. I just have my really bad days but I do have my good days so I guess it will just take time to forget about him. Harder said than done though!
Thankyou all for listening !

[vashti]

Good luck with the therapy. I think it does take some time to get past an old relationship. I once read it could take up to 50% of the length of the relationship, but I guess that depends on the person.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup, yes I have gone through and contacted every one of the links you provided of which applied to myself. I currently har regular visits with 3 workers, 1 of which are from our local womens shelter who do help very much so!

Good to hear, Jaden.

I have counselling and attend meetings, i visited a place in town called community partners which also specializes in women with children after abusive relationships.

That's great too. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before you're feeling much better and the bad days will be further and farer between. Even when one breaks up from a non-abusive relationship there are good and bad days to. It's a process that we go through afterall. You might benefit from reading The Five Stages of Grief. It's mostly about grieving through a death but the pain is the same as grieving a death and the steps to recovery are exact.

I didn't just accept the 14th I tried getting in earlier than that, I'm not a complete sap... Lol 14th was actually the earliest and if anyone cancel I will be first in line so they say.

I don't understand that. What would you do if you were physically ill and needing medication, feverish, really ill but not emergency room at the hospital ill?

Coming to this forum for me is just nice as I'm familiar with it and like to talk to people I am familiar with here. It helps to write out how i feel here as it's just a nice release when I have nobody else to talk to at that time. Usually late at night when I'm in bed over thinking. Lol

That's cool. I wasn't meaning that you shouldn't come here, just maybe supplement here with a support forum with members who have been there done that kinda thing.

I am actually really considering moving back home to England.. It's just such a big decision. I have my friends there and people I can trust so it would be nice. But I also hate the though of leaving my immediate family. They are my biggest supporters so it would be kinda hard. Just something to think about until my trial is in court anyway.

How about you just move one town over so you're closer to your family but away from the douche? :o)