Once bitten twice shy

[lister79]

Hi, I really don't know if i'm being over paranoid or not but my girlfriend of eight months has a "new/old" friend come on the scene and she has been a little cagey about it.

About three weeks ago she was texting someone alot whilst we were watching a film together, she normally text's her friend lisa all the time, so I just glanced down thinking what does b****y lisa want now! only to see texts from a guy called Carl (work) phone, which I thought odd...work number at this time on a sunday evening, and I've never heard of Carl. I didn't ask as it's her life/friends. Anyway, she's been texting alot more and now occasionally I glance and see its from him. Three weeks later she still hasn't mentioned Carl and he's not a friend on her facebook which she is an avid follower. I went back home to wales for a week for family visit and the night before leaving I asked what plans she had made for the weekend, she replied she is probably meeting up with an "old" friend who's just moved back to Brighton and she hasn't seen "him" for a while....still not mentioning names, so I asked who "him" was...she now said a guy called Carl..Said he is an old friend etc etc...I asked jokingly if he was a good looking guy, she replied he's ok, he's 42.

Wandering here now....my last girlfriend cheated on me, when I first met him they were all over each other talk wise, after I joked whilst laughing "something going on between you", she bit my head off, called me disgusting and to start with there is 7 years age difference! Now to my mind that said to me she's thought about the age difference...two weeks later she slept with him and I walked away.

Anyway, so when my now girlfriend said he's 42 despite the fact I hadn't asked an age to me the same shadow of horror came into my head. I didn't say anything, but I certainly didn't sleep well.

Whilst I was away on the night she was out with him her text were short (which isn't like her) to which she replied after inquiry "I'm out difficult to text"....

...another tangent.

She met my sister for the first time and whilst in my sisters company was constantly texting, even in her handbag which my sister and I noticed...also when out with my friends she constantly texts aswell...

...so I must admit I felt a bit "oh so its fine to text meeting my sister and friends but when its to me while your with Carl you don't have the time"

She now turns her phone screen side down which she never used to do, she is still texting him and now they are facebook friends.

We made love the other day then I went off to prepare dinner, she was very quite in the bedroom so I popped in to see if she was ok and give her a little kiss...she was sitting on the bed wearing just a towel texting, I bent down and gave her a little kiss and saw....yep, texting Carl again.

I've been cheated on so many times now I can't help but feel here we go again...

Apparently I'm good in bed so no issue there, I'm loving caring and loyal...my "girl Friend/best mate" says im too kind and nice sometimes...maybe thats it.

She still says she loves me, shows affection etc, but this texting is doing my head in now.

Problem is she has a big issue with my best friend as we went out for 7 years and split 8 years ago, but I do understand why she would feel uncomfortable about that and always tell her if i'm meeting my mate as I don't want to hide anything. I have no feeling at all of attraction to my best mate/ex...we've been there done it and it doesn't work, which is why we can in my eyes be true friends of different sexes with no issues there at all...

Am I being overly sensitive due to my past?

It just feels a little cagey about Carl and had I not asked who "him" was I still wouldn't apparently know who he was..

If I had an old friend returning to my town, I'd have openly told her...like "oh great, my old friend """"" is coming back to Brighton"...

Any thoughts?

New update, she text asking what I was upto on the weekend as she has been invited to a 40th bash, if i'm busy she'll go. I asked who's 40th she replied a friend of Carls...so I asked can we not go as a couple then? The reply was yes but I'm sure we can if you want too!? wouldn't you like to do something just you and me? I said it seems you can only see Carl whilst not with me! She said he didn't know that many people at the party and wondered if I was around....Very poor excuse in my book. I invite her to everything and always tell her first hand who's it is where when etc and I'd like her to go but only if she wants too....I always tell her if i'm going to meet someone and who it is...it seems like she want to just keep info hidden all the time.

We've descussed the issue, but when I said "I know you have been texting him" she looked guilty, like she had been caught up...not wanting her to be upset (a real downfall of mine) I assured her I hadn't read her texts just noticed his name alot when she's been texting near me...she suddenly looked up and started talking. She denies she has done anything with him, but didn't see how it was anything she'd done wrong. I had to turn the story around so it was in her shoes and then she admitted it looked bad but still proclaimed she'd done nothing wrong. I told her that actually she had by not being open with me be it not intentionally.

Couple days later it came up again and after a little talk she then said she didn't tell me because we'd been in a rut and didn't want it to worry me (a story change).

Next day I was admittedly thinking about it as she got up, went t her bag and texted someone then put it back and returned to the sofa, this happened about three or four times....now I just thought to myself WTF!!! If I was her and completely innocent of anything I would not be doing this...she asked and asked and asked what was wrong with me and I finally gave in, said i'm sorry but just having a little moment of thought, she asked "what, about Carl?", I replied yes and she flew off the handle, telling me she couldn't do this anymore, that I should go, that there is always something etc etc....I bit my tongue hard then just replied sternly "I haven't done anything wrong here, you brought this to my door by being secretive and cagey about him, its taken quite alot of effort to get you to admit this is all suspicious and how dare you turn this on me, if this was the other way around and I had truly done nothing wrong other than be guilty of hidding a 'girl' friend from you, I would be doing everything in my power to reassure you...I certainly wouldn't fly off the handle at you, not in a million years"

Now she says she's hurt I didn't trust her, but when I try to explain its a little difficult and takes a little time since you've already proved you can hide the truth from me she just tries to lay on a guilt trip.

My gut instincts are firing on all cylinders and I don't know what to believe...I think deep down something was wrong, maybe flirtatious texts, maybe a kiss when they went out...I just wish she'd tell the truth so we can work through it as if this comes out later, it will be ever so much more damaging as she completely lied to me.

I hope I'm being silly and she's just blind inconsiderate!

[houseofglass11]

She wants to or already has ****ed him. She's two timing you. Read my thread to see how my (similar) situation went down:
[url]http://www.loveforum.net/threads/65190-girlfriend-admitted-to-kissing-another-guy...yes-the-age-old-quandry[/url]

Cell phones and texting are pretty much the worst invention ever as far as the faithfulness and fidelity of a relationship goes. People can constantly be receiving attention and input from outsiders at all times. Someone always seems to have their fingers in your relationship these days. Picking away trying to steal away what you have for themselves.

Never let your girlfriend text with another man who isn't family like a brother or cousin. Period.

[houseofglass11]

Also, I've learned to never give your complete trust in someone in a relationship. That's what I did and I got ****ed over hardcore.

She's complaining that you don't trust her. Well no shit! She's given you a very good reason not to trust her. She wants your trust because it's the green light for her to cheat. If she has your trust she has quelled your suspicions and doesn't feel as guilty about doing whatever she pleases. With you not trusting her she's under your microscope and doesn't feel comfortable being exposed for who she really is.

[Boisdevie]

I think her behaviour is wrong here. Very wrong.

[lister79]

Oh i'm completely aware her behaviour is wrong here...I've been no angel in the past, as in getting very angry with the world when drunk, but I don't drink a drop of alcohol now as she is or was worth way much more than that....but this is killing my head!!

I'm currently going through the quiet process as she is claiming to "be hurt and fed up" because I haven't trusted her. All seems a bit like a reverse phsycology tactic to me, trying to lay guilt on me! almost worked to be honest but now i'm getting angry. I've just started seeing a councillor about my abusive farther from when I was a kid...I really could have done with some support yesterday but instead with this offish treatment from her i've never felt so alone...


I really just can't believe her behaviour over this right now....if she really is innocent to doing anything with him she is going the wrong way about showing it right now.

[houseofglass11]

Did you read my thread? Very similar situation. She did the same thing trying to blame me for her actions but I wouldn't allow it. Just be prepared for the worst here. You may have to dissolve this relationship. Don't let yourself be taken advantage of.

[oldskool83]

i had an ex do this, same thing. my gut was right, as you say you dont want to beleive what your gut is saying. let the situation ago leave on somewhat of a high note. she does not want to tell you the truth as the truth will crush you. Shes not a good person for you and is old nuff to know better.

[lister79]

We had a catch up about this yesterday. She went on about how she was hurt I didn't trust her and it made her cross etc....all the while I was still thinking, but what about my bloody feelings, your showing no respect for my feelings here. Yes I want to believe her, but its hard, she has given all the hallmarks of doing "something" wrong. She's changed her reason for not telling me from I didn't realise I was being cagey to I kept it from you because we were in a rut and didn't want to worry you. My gut is still saying something is wrong though.

I've got to admit, I caved in yesterday, and ended out apologising if I mad her angry...I was expecting her to say sorry for the outburst on sunday night, but nothing...not a f*****g thing...just how it all made her feel again! I must admit I feel a little weak now. I shouldn't of given in like that. I bloody deserve an apology for her complete lack of respect for my feelings. My friend just reiterated what is being said here....guilty people get angry and turn things around....that is something very much on my mind.

Yes houseofglass, I read your post...so sorry buddy, sounded awful. Thing is...I just know she will never ever confess to it as something I've worked out over this, is she "cannot" face upto something she has done wrong...she doesn't seem to have any concept of apology.

What she is lacking in knowledge is that if she did do something and confessed I would actually have alot of respect for her and would probably try and work everything out...but if she has done something and it comes out in the wash as these things always do, there will be no chance at all, as she lied...and that will destroy all trust.

I fear this saga is going to go on for a little while longer yet! I hate falling in love...my best friend is a gigalo as we joke about it, but jesus, I think he's got it right sometimes.

[lister79]

Oh and I just thought....she tells her friend Lisa everything, but about this she hadn't told her till the sunday day when we were around there...I thought that a little odd...

[Esther52]

Thanks for your post

[lister79]

OK, guess i'll update this as its going to hopefully make it easier to write it out. I looked at her phone, went right back on a conversation between her and her best friend.

She said, that photographer keeps calling me etc etc. Her friend went on about is she ging to meet him.. Then she'd met him, her text to her friend said things like how attractive he is, quite unique looking, that she'll show her his facebook profile. I asked her about all this, said don't bullshit me anymore. She admitted she met him on the same dating web site as me, that she met him first and cancelled her second date with him to see me. He's recently split from the girl he met....her text also said she was worried that my friend Beth who lives near her would see her out with him.
But I can't see her being worried about Beth seeing her out with a good friend of hers called Luke!! Her friends response was don't worry, its not like anything is going to happen over a coffee table!!!

I came back from my wales trip feeling pretty refreshed and yes our relationship had got stuck in a rut but things were really good when I came back....Her text to her friend about that was...R has come back a new man, her friend replied, thats good, what are you going to do about C (carl the f******g photographer). Thats when she replied she really enjoyed his company and at the very least they will be friends....Said she really enjoyed his company and at the very least they will be friends...now its that line that has cut deep.

She says she didn't meet up with him to see where things would go, or that anything happened in the slightest. I'm trying hard to believe her, but after all this it looks so obvious. I feel like a complete mug for trying to believe her!!!!

[lister79]

Update again. So after some more talks I asked if she could not meet him without me for the time being but threw Beth back in my face which I can't see being the same, she's been my best mate for 17 years...however if she had asked I would have done just that and told her so...said its not my fault you didn't ask..but i'm asking...she flew off the handle, slammed the phone down on me several times...I gave up in the end and said just do whatever makes you happy. I noticed over the wkend she is still texting this guy as I see his name on the top of the phone...I promised I wouldn't look at her phone again which I won't but to be honest, last time I looked most of the stuff between them was deleted...her excuse was her phone does that sometimes...what, randomly deletes certain messages. I didn't come down in the last rain fall. I'm not sure why i'm hanging on in there now to be honest....like I said I wasn't the best with drink at the start but have given up drinking for life for her, but she can't just see this is her turn to drop him for us. I'm on the edge of just saying go and be with him then since he's so important to you!! maybe I should...I don't know. What I do know is I don't think I care anymore, I can't stop her from running off with him...If she wants that then just go...I feel burnt out now, this has gone on and on and its lies ontop of lies with really bad excuses. Don't really know why i'm writing this on here to a load of strangers....maybe it just helps a little.

[VincenzoG91]

Cheaters are always upset that you don't trust them. It's part of the cheater mentality, to try to spread the blame around. It's possible that she is innocent, but Occam's Razor suggests that she is being evasive for a reason. She persists in a behavior that is alienating you, and she knows it. Why would she keep doing that if she values the relationship that you share?

[lister79]

Yes mate I know exactly what you are saying. Its her birthday friday and we're going out for her birthday drink, she's invited her friends including this Carl...now I think its a bluff call and she's got him to be quiet. I'm very very good at reading people, so its going to be quite an evening. Personally I think he'll try and get a rise out of me...good luck to him on that one, as I just don't care anymore...i'm more likely at this point to just say, there she is, you want her, go get her! At the end of the day, all I want is the truth.....I know what it probably is deep down anyway.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dude, you need to start seeing other girls, seriously. I think you should either not go on Friday and tell her that Carl is all hers for the night, or go and don't pay her any attention. You need to be looking for other girls at this point, and if she decides to cut Carl off on her own then you can consider taking her seriously again. You should get back on the dating site full force today and try to set up a date for Friday.