Girlfriend conflict.. I need your opinion! Thanks!

[clemson1]

Hi,

I met this girl, and we started our relationship long distance as we both go to different colleges. We would go a week or two without seeing each other, but would spend 3-6 days together at a time and everything went very well. When we were apart, we would talk on the phone, and we missed each other. When we were together, we enjoyed our time. Like any normal couple, we had a few arguments here and there but nothing serious. I feel that I should clarify that I am her first real boyfriend, so this is all new to her as well. We are both 20 years old.

Recently, in the last month, we both went back home for the summer. Since then, we have spent the night together fairly often; sometimes 4-5 nights a week. A month ago, I told her that I loved her, and she responded that she was falling in love with me. This was after 5 months of dating. I understood this, and told her there was no rush, since I knew that relationships still scared her and I knew to give her time. I continued to occasionally tell her that I loved her, and a few weeks later, she responded and said that she loved me too. Neither one of us sees this as casual, and we both agree that there is no point in dating if we cannot see a future together.

Things were going great between us, and then we started to argue more often. It wasn't anything big, just small things that got blown up out of proportion. For a week straight, it seemed like every time that we saw each other, we would get in an argument. I feel like this is a normal part of a relationship, sort of a time when boundaries are getting set and you are truly getting to notice the flaws in the relationship, and see that they need fixing. However.. she believes that when in love, a couple shouldn't argue, especially about such minor things. Rightly so... yet I still felt that it was normal and it would work itself out.

Unfortunately, I also have a problem with anxiety, and I tend to smother when stressed. I am aware of this, but still cannot check myself all of the time. So we actually saw each other more, and I attempted to talk to her more during this time. I know this made the situation worse, though she didn't say so. I pressured her into seeing me, hoping that a good night together could reverse the effect that our arguments had caused. However, this eventually led to more fights as I felt she wasn't prioritizing the situation. We eventually talked openly about this, after a stressful night, and we both agreed that we did not want to argue. She told me she was very happy with me, except when we were fighting. That night, she ended up confessing that she wasn't sure if she was fully in love with me. She said she felt bad not saying it back when I told her I loved her and that she was for sure falling for me, and she thought she had fallen all of the way, until this fighting. Naturally this bothered me, and she could tell I was hurt. She said she felt like we were moving a bit fast. I know she truly cares for me, without a doubt, and I suspect that she loves me by how she acts. It seemed like she was distancing herself by saying this, and I knew what that meant.

I found out from her friend that we was going to give things a little longer with me, but if I didn’t learn to deal with the anxiety better, she was going to break it off. She also said that she felt awful about this.. and she didn't know if that was the only thing keeping her from ending it or not. This is after 5 days in a row of nothing but stressful arguing. She doesn't know that I know this. After I found this out, we had an even more open conversation where we discussed our problems in detail, and I began to realize I was picking fights over small things that just didn't matter. I saw that even though I loved her, I wanted to change her to suit me. I know if you love someone, you can want to change for them, but I see now that I can't request it of her and pressure her for such minor things. This had apparently been hurting her and making her feel like she always lets me down. I saw this was wrong, and I told her I understood this now. I also asked her later that night if she considered breaking up over this, and she told me that she didn't want to. But she said that if this didn't change, she didn’t want both of us to be unhappy. She has said sometimes that she feels that she makes me miserable often, and that is not the case. This is honestly the best relationship I have had, and I know you don't find something like this all that often. Our biggest issues are small arguments that get out hand, mostly about boundaries. She is very independent, and used to doing what she wants. I am not one to like plans to change, and that starts a lot of our arguments. It seems silly to me now that we fought so much for so little, when we share so much.

On a slight tangent.. I have some family issues dealing with my mother. She has problems with most people in my family, and this causes stress. I also talked to her about that during that conversation. She told me during this, not to worry about me and her. I have no issues with my father, brothers, or any of my other family members. She told me then that she doesn't date unless she sees it going somewhere, and that my family problems scare her. She doesn't want to marry into a family that is unstable, and she doesn't want to have a family like that herself. Now.. we aren't considering marriage by any means. We both just know that is the ultimate goal, so we are keeping in mind what we want in another person. I say this so that anyone reading knows that I am not immature, or attempting to rush anything. We only discuss these things, because like I said previously, we know what the end goal is.

Now, after that conversation, we had a good conversation for the rest of the night. Before we had this talk, we made plans for me to come by late after work the next night to get my wallet. She asked me not to stay the night, saying that she thought it would be good for us. When I saw her, we spent some time with her friends, and then went back to her house. We watched a movie together, and cuddled. We had sex, and overall just had a good night together. I told her I was very sorry, and I felt like most of this was my fault for picking fights. She said we weren’t placing blame. I told her that even though I said we would stop fighting before, I would show her now that we won't. She told me that we were OK, and she was affectionate. I was wearing jeans, and she asked me if I wanted shorts to sleep in. I was surprised, and asked if she wanted me to go home. She told me to spend the night. That night, I told her that I loved her again, and she didn't say it back, but it lit up her face when she heard it. She told me she was glad we talked the night before, and I know she could tell how happy I was with the night. I told her I had a good night the next morning, and she said that she did too.

To anyone that bore with me through all of this, what do you think? Do you think that we have serious problems? Or that ending the small fights will be a solution? What do you think it means that she basically took back the 'I love you'? Though she stressed she was falling in love with me, and was in tears. It bothers me that she was considering breaking up over this, as I would have pushed through it, but I think she saw it as a sign that we were incompatible.

I feel that we should spend less time together, in order to miss each other more. Do you think that this is a good idea? This is hard sometimes, when we live so close and enjoy our time together when we aren't fighting, but I want this to work.

My problem right now is deciding where we stand. I know the problem isn’t gone, as it has only been a few days since she was considering breaking up over this. Yet, that was after 5 days of straight fighting, with no good conversations. Since then, it seems like we worked a lot of things out. But should I back off now? Or should I pretend nothing happened, and be careful not to pick fights over things that just don’t matter. I have decided to back off of the whole ‘I love you’ thing already and just take thing down a notch.

The last thing I want to do is ask her and come off as insecure, or worried. I also don’t want to continue professing my love for her and making her feel pressured, or make her see me as not a challenge but it is hard for me to not tell her. I think that I have become too available to her, as we text when she wants (since she doesn’t like it typically), and typically the ball is always in her court as far as hanging out goes since I always invite her to come along with my friends as they all like her. She mentioned wanting to go tubing on the boat, and I had plans to go with a friend Thursday (who wants to meet her). Should I tell my girlfriend that she can come with us another time?

Thanks for helping, it is greatly appreciated. I admire people who would read through all of this, just to help out a stranger.

[KristenElaine]

to be honest, I didnt read all of it. Buut! Time apart is always a great idea! It gives you time to miss each other and appreciate what you have! I think you guys should take your time. Go out on dates and hang out like you were starting all over again. If things are going well, ask her what she wants.