GF depressed, pushing me away

[loveagain]

A few weeks ago my GF lost her favorite family member to cancer. During the months preceding there were times she shut me out briefly to focus on herself; but for the most part we communicated, she shared photos, doctor visits, updates, and so forth as she cared for her loved one. Then about 2 days after they passed away, she shut me out again and we haven't talked now in 2 weeks and barely communicate by text. She says she doesn't want the pressure of knowing I worry about her, or worrying about me, or caring about anything or anyone else. She says she doesn't need anyone or any support and just wants to be left alone. However, she is sharing on FaceBook, stories about her family member, sometimes lighthearted stuff, and a lot of pain and reaching out or expressing how lost she is.

I read about Shining Armor Syndrome, and see some of that in me. That noted, I am confused and hurt as to why she is reaching out online yet won't let the person who loves her more than anything, we've been talking marriage in the not too distant future, have anything to do with her. I think I understand, she doesn't want to be emotionally involved with anyone else right now, or feel she has to emotionally support me.

Any advice on how to handle this? Right now I have stopped communicating for a few days. No texts or anything. I did send flowers and candy she will get at work today (I sent some cards last week, the only thing she acknowledged was a photo I sent of her and her family member visiting me about 6 months ago - she thanked me for that) But I want to wait for her to come to me. However, I'm concerned... if I push her she will just reject me more, but if she is reaching out for help and I don't attempt to help, when she "comes out of it" she will be angry or hurt that I didn't try harder. I am thinking let her get the flowers, then text her tomorrow just to say I am thinking about her, and here for her, and let it go at that for now.

Again, any suggestions? Thanks.

[oldskool83]

I think there is a deeper issue. if she is your g/f i would think she would want to be closer to you in a harder time in her life, and you have said you did try and be there for her. I think in a time such as this you need to just let it be. Not sure how long you were dating or your ages but somthing deeper is getting at her, if this is the 1st death maybe she is looking at your marrage talks and deciding if she is ready to settle or wants to enjoy in live what she can before she cannot (oftem marrage towards younger people is look at as your done and over with)

hope i dont scare you more but at this time i feel you should leave her a voice mail and tell her in this time of need she needs to focus on herself and hopefully comunication will start again.

i am sure its making you feel worthless like you caused somthing but we cant make others want us, and its not always fair how the ones who say we mean alot of them treat us. actions are not an excuse for words, normal they hurt more then words.

[KristenElaine]

I have suffered from a bit of depression and do find that if I am in a relationship with someone, I tend to push them away. I dont think she is meaning to. I think there is something more if she is expressing herself on facebook and not to you. But she could have had a past experience where she opened up to an ex and he shut her down, so she could have fears. I know that I push away the person I am with when I hit depressed times by opening up too much, or I dont listen to the advice they have, or I act sad around them. So I end up pushing them away because I wonder why someone would want to be with me when I am sad, or down, etc. I think you should sit her down and have a good talk, and if she isnt open to that and keeps disregarding how much you care for her, that you need to do whats right for you. Be it stand by her through this, or let her know she can contact you when she has her issues sorted out.

[loveagain]

To fill in a little more information brought up in oldskool83's reply: We are both in our 40's, she is older than me. I was married for 17 years and have children (one in high school, one younger) who live with me a bit more than 1/2 the time. She has never married and has no children, but nieces, nephews and furry friends. We've known each other maybe 25 years, but have only been dating for 2 years. This is not the first time she's lost a loved one, her father passed away 4 years ago from cancer. (we were not in contact at the time).

Thanks oldskool83 and KristenElaine for your replies. I might fill in more details later, but have to go for now.

[loveagain]

Update. She broke up with me.

We were keeping in touch by texting a little, and I felt she was opening back up. We had plans to spend her birthday together and she wrote that she didn't want me to come up (I guess I haven't mentioned, this was an LDR, we live about 2 hours drive apart). I felt that was a bad sign, but respected her wishes. Then she stopped responding for 24 hours and I got a message on FaceBook that basically said "stop texting me, I'm not grieving, I've changed and I no longer want what we had, I'm sorry I'm saying this in a FB message but I don't want to talk to you or see you, and you won't like what I have to say."

She's been struggling with the LDR for a long time, between her feelings for me and the reality of the sacrifices necessary to make it work long term, especially because I have children and ex-wife issues. I think that her grief over the death was genuine, but whether she truly changed out of her loss, or used it as cover, she's been using the time apart to get over her affection for me. I hate myself for even thinking this, but I've wondered if she's found someone else. Some of my friends think so. I don't think she has, but being long distance and hurting would make her vulnerable to the attention of someone who is more available.