My wife say she does not love me the way she should

[Hank79]

I have a problem in my relationship that is really worrying me. I have been with my wife for 14 years and been married for the last 5. We both met when we were 19 and are now both 33. I will try to be as descriptive as I can because a lot has happened in this time. When we first met I was attracted to her but did not love her but I could see that she really loved me. As I was quite young I was afraid of commitment but I really enjoyed her company and friendship so I stayed with her. Over the years we made a great team, she has supported me through thick and thin, even when I had been through a number of jobs and when we did not have really any money in our early twenties. She came from a low socio economic back ground with and abusive alcoholic father, my youth was quite normal. I felt sorry for her when we were young as she had little self esteem but academically she was very bright and I was average at best. Eventually we both went to university and both got degrees in nursing and are both emergency trained ED nurses.Throughout the years we have been together I did not love her as much as I should and at times treated her quite poorly in a number of situations which has really hurt her. As she was my second only girlfriend I have been learning about relationships as I go and have made some very bad errors in judgment. To keep this short I will name only a few, I have never really helped her with the house work, her father died and I did not give her the support she needed(I thought I did), I got involved in what could be classified as an emotional affair with a classmate at uni(I did not know it was at the time as I thought affairs need to be sexual), I had put financial pressure on our relationship by having very expensive taste in hobbies and cars in relation to how much we used to earn. Although I always was very affectionate with her, I did not complement her enough as a person despite knowing she had a low self esteem. I had been overly critical of her as I was so set in some of my ways I did not know I was being hurtful. With the shift work she also put on a little bit of weight that she now has nearly lost but I made a terrible mistake while we were in Japan recently by saying she would never be trim again like she was when we first met.Through all of the bad things I had done she has stuck by me. I never ever had the intention to ever hurt her and realize now how selfish and what a bad partner and husband I had been.Over the years I have told her I love every day but there just words, quite a few of my actions have not demonstrated this.In the 14 years we have been together it has been the last 4 years that I have really loved her the way I should, the way I should have in the first place!
Despite my wrongs she has stuck by me and never done anything that has hurt me, she's a great woman....I'm so so lucky to have her.So fast forward to 2009, we had a disagreement in Germany on a European holiday and I found out she had been sexually abused buy one of her mothers boyfriends. He never raped her but used to touch her in places and make her rub him while the mother was not watching. I was so angry and disgusted I wanted to tell the police and her mother but she begged me not to. So to the end of that but I felt terrible about it.As of the start of 2011 my wife has been working in the outback 4000 miles aways, while I have a job in an ED department but can't join her as I don't have the qualifications yet. I have had a fair amount of troubles at work and have been a little distracted from her for maybe 14 months with also a hobby I had become obsessed with.We talk every day but recently I forgot her birthday and was 19 days late. This really hurt her and the fact I have not been giving her the support she needs with a stressful job in immigration detention. We are doing very well financially now with her very high paying job which both makes us happy.Just four days ago she tells me she does not love me anymore. I was in total shock. We had and honest talk and I explained how sorry I was for not being the husband she deserves and took complete accountability for my actions. I told her I would not object if she wanted to separate as I had no grounds to do so. I asked if there was another man and she said no. We went to bed that night and she said that she still loves me and that she wants me to prove to her that I can be a better husband and she wants to give me that chance. She also said I was fundamentally a good person and that is why she has stuck by me. She said that even though she will be away I can still demonstrate on the phone that I am more in touch with her feelings and that when she gets back permanently in July it will be a good opportunity to show her I am trying. She says she does not want me to be perfect but less selfish and show her that I love her. Before she got on the plane she said she loves me and everything will be ok but I am so very scared right now. I don't want to loose her as I love her so much.

[dem862]

She said she didn't love you, then she said she did love you. She wants you to change in some way and she is giving you a chance. She wants to feel loved apparently. I guess you need to find out exactly what she needs to feel loved. Then you have to do that, if you are able and willing, and if it is not unreasonable. Actually, you should probably know by now, if it has been 14 years. I don't know your wife, but some women get emotional from time to time. A man has to weather her storm and it blows over and things go back to normal. If this is the case, you have to remain steady. Otherwise, she could be thinking she could have done better than you, or there might be some doctor somewhere who is tickling her fancy. There really does not appear to be enough information in your post, despite its length. But one thing that is clear is that you appear to be taking the blame, which may or may not be appropriate in this situation. But forgetting her birthday after 14 years is pretty egregious.

[iamaninnocentma]

what does egregious mean?

[vashti]

what does egregious mean?

shockingly awful; inexcusable.

[Esther52]

Thanks for your post.

[MiriRose]

Hi Hank, I think it's great that you're seeking some guidance on how to express your love to your wife. I work at an organization called Focus on the Family, and there is a great book available through Focus called [URL="http://family.christianbook.com/the-love-languages-secret-that-lasts/gary-chapman/9780802473158/pd/473158?p=1157699"]The 5 Love Languages[/URL] by Gary Chapman. There is also a [URL="http://family.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/25646?p=1157699"]Q&A[/URL] you might want to check out. I hope you and your wife will be able to work things out. God bless you!

[Hank79]

Thanks for the responses guys

I have to start being a better husband which is what I know for sure, thankfully she has just told me that if she did not love me she would not give me that chance. She has said everything is going to be ok and we will get through this. She also said she knows I can be a good husband but she want me to show it and listen to what she has to say and be more in touch with her feelings.

She also said she is very upset beacuse she said she did not want to hurt me. I said she had every right to, I deserved it and she has nothing to say sorry for as this mess has primarily been caused by me. Thankfully I can rest a little easier now because all the signs show she wants to make this work. She has even spoken about having our first baby next year and got a few tests done to make sure she is healthy.

I asked her if from now on she could be more firm with me and not let me get away with treating her badly and to keep reminding me to be better to keep me on my toes. The other thing is she's quite a closed person when it comes to conveying how she feels, I asked if she could be more open so our communication was better to try and not let this type of situation arise because we were not communicating properly. She agreed that we need work in this area. She also said she needs to see someone about the abuse from her father and the sexual abuse from the mothers boyfriend so she can move on.

I also said that I feel we need to work on our sex life. Although we make love all the time I get the feel that I am the one doing all the work and being maybe to dominant while she takes more a submissive role. I asked her if there were thing in the bedroom she wants to do and she said yes but she has never told me as I think she is embarrassed. I asked if she could be more open in this area because after 14 years i think we need to spice things up.

In the time we have had since our conversation last week, I can tell she really does love me but she wants a better husband. I think a little of the love that eroded has come back a little with the honest emotions we have put on the table for the first time in 14 years. I'm very hopeful I can swing things around and show her my love through actions not just words.

[iamaninnocentma]

great news, just remember that a good relationship is about caring and sharing, and giving and receiving. and throw in the occasional obscure word that no one know the meaning of (except very smart mounties).

[iamaninnocentma]

yay 200 posts without being rumbled, lol.

(edit 201)

[IndiReloaded]

Well, you seem sincere and she sounds like she hasn't yet given up. I wish you both luck. FWIW, I really recommend Will Harleys Marriage Builder site. Read this article and take it to heart:

[url]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html[/url]

[HeartIsAching]

shockingly awful; inexcusable.

Another American with a better grasp of the language than the innocent boy.

Egregious is a great word. I love using a $2 word when a $0.50 word will suffice.

[JamesWS]

Thanks for your post.