Got dumped by a girl I still think is the love of my life. Help?

[alxnrwd]

Sorry for this wall of text. I'm pretty devastated, as you might imagine. Thanks in advance for any advice or sympathy. This is just me getting my feelings out.

I'm 23 and have dated Kelly for 2.5 years now. We first got together our senior year of college, and although we each had a small bit of sexual experience, I took her virginity and this has been both of our first serious relationship.

We dated for 8 months before graduation and it was absolutely, absolutely fantastic. Of course, partially because it was the honeymoon period, and partially because we were living easy in college -- but also, we have the same friends, the same values, the same outlook on the world. We have very similar families, similar heritage, very similar politics, very similar views on social interaction. The same huge ambition to make the world a better place. Our sex life was great. In short -- we fell in love, head-over-heels, and we spent lots of time talking about a future together.

When we graduated, Kelly decided she wanted to spend a year working abroad for a very well-known international aid organization in Africa. This was her dream job, something she'd been working toward long before we met, and since we were only together 8 months -- she didn't feel ready to say no to this amazing opportunity just so that we could be together. I supported her decision -- she was right, we weren't ready to keep each other from doing anything, although we were deeply in love -- and she went abroad for a year. We decided to stay together.

Of course, I was graduating college too, and I got a job making good money, and a really nice apartment in Chicago. I started going out with my 22-year-old friends, who, obviously, wanted to spend a lot of their time drinking beer and hitting on girls. This sent me into a bit of a tailspin -- either I had to deal with the temptation of constantly being around attractive women without ever having sex, or else I would have to cut myself off a bit from my own friends. Initially I tried to choose the former -- but then I couldn't help that there were a few girls that were REALLY into me, which led me to lash out at Kelly for not being around, and to constantly bug her to send me naked photos and videos. I was being immature, and I wasn't really ready to deal with a long-distance relationship.

After 6 months and a visit to Africa, I decided the latter was actually the right course -- I really loved Kelly -- so I decided to cut myself off a bit from my friends, and focus on a future with Kelly. During this time I lost 85 pounds (from 280 to 195), matured a hell of a lot, and was really successful at work. I was looking so forward to Kelly coming back -- although Kelly is very ambitious (one of the things I love about her), she had said things like, "I'll come to Chicago and even be a barista to be with you!" and "I'll definitely live in Chicago to be with you!" I knew she had some desire to get a job in her field in New York (where most international nonprofit orgs are based), but given that she'd said these things, I really thought she would just move to Chicago and we would live happily ever after.

So, she finished her African tour of duty in August 2011. After a few months at home with her family in the New York area, Kelly came to Chicago and moved in with me while she looked for work. Things were really good! We started to get to know each other again and become close again. I helped her through an intense period where she went off her antidepressant medication. During this time, it became clearer to her that most of the jobs that she wanted were in New York. At the same time, I was feeling quite unhappy with my own job and beginning to consider next steps. Since New York is also a better place for what I want to do, and also closer to my own family, I said: "OK, I'll start looking for work in New York, you keep looking in Chicago and New York, and we'll see what happens."

Needless to say -- after a few months, and a few unsuccessful interviews for me (for really awesome positions that were maybe a little bit of a reach) Kelly found a job in New York. One that she was very very excited about. I was incredibly happy for her, although a bit discouraged that I'd be under more pressure to look for new work myself. I told her to take the job and that I'd keep looking for work, and when I found it, we'd move in together in New York, as we'd been looking forward to for the past 1.5 years! Exciting.

She took the job and moved back home to New Jersey, where she started work and waited for me to move out. We visited every few weeks -- either she'd come to Chicago, or I'd go to New York/NJ. Since I was putting so much pressure on myself to get a new job, our visits turned into the two of us just sitting in my apartment or in a hotel, having lots of sex (at my insistence, admittedly), and then spending time on our own stuff -- her with her new job, me with my old job, and my job search. We stopped having fun together and enjoying each other's company. Things became routine.

Meanwhile, because I was looking so forward to getting to New York and starting this new life, new job, new apartment, renewed relationship -- I stopped being the guy she fell in love with. I stopped going to the gym and improving myself. I stopped spending time with my Chicago friends. I stopped being the best at work. I stopped pursuing hobbies and side projects. I stopped enjoying my own life, to be frank. I only wanted to be able to enjoy the future with Kelly in New York. I wanted to get the best job possible in New York, a difficult task at age 23, in this economy, from Chicago, especially considering a career switch that I am trying to make.

And there were external factors that kept me from simply quitting and moving. I am lucky enough to make more money in salary at age 23 than either of my parents ever has in their life. I owe my parents $25k for college and I owe $20k on my own student loans. Money is a problem for my parents and they have been worried about losing their jobs. They've given me everything. Although I am a risk taker by nature, I didn't feel right, and didn't have the savings, to simply pack up and move to New York, risking a massive paycut, and what I felt could be the potential financial ruin of my family. So I broadened my job search. I started considering more things that would let make more money and simplify my transition to New York. In the end, I probably need to be in New York searching for a few months to get a job that I really want. I picked July 1 as a potential target date for the move.

As you might imagine by now -- having gone off her antidepressant medication, having seen me get rejected after a few final-round interviews, having seen me struggle with money and careers and self-confidence about moving, having stopped going on real romantic dates like we used to, having seen me just generally stop being the HAPPY PERSON that she fell in love with, and being an inexperienced 23-year-old girl, uncertain in love -- I began to feel Kelly to pull away from me a bit. Our sex life started to struggle; I wanted more and more frequent, she wasn't sure why she was becoming less attracted to me than she had been, even though I'm in better shape and better established. We had a few big discussions about where things would go between us, and they began to get daunting. She was pushing me away a little so that we could focus on ourselves -- but in my own insecurity about moving, I responded by trying to pull her in even tighter. She offered to pay our rent herself for a few months while I found a job in New York, as I had in Chicago while she looked for work, and I said, "you know, that's a big step, are you sure you're ready for that commitment?"

Since she still felt strongly that I had resented her (esp sexually) for choosing to go to Africa, and because of all this uncertainty between us (should we really live together? are we too young for this? are we asking too much of each other? is alxnrwd actually going to find a job in New York?), she wasn't really ready for an increased commitment. Since I was scared * * * * less of running out of money in New York, I started to present alternative options: "OK, maybe I can stay in Chicago until I get my bonus at the end of the year, and then move out to New York on my own on Feb 1 2013." "Maybe I should wait until the fall when I have an interview for a high-paying position." Etc. Etc. Etc.

What I needed to say was, "Kelly, I want to move to New York July 1, for my own career, and I'd like to move in with you if you'd be so kind." What I said instead was... "this is a serious commitment and I hope we're on a path toward marriage if I'm going to move in with you."

But we're not ready for marriage. We need more time, more seasoning. We need to live normal, everyday, routine, together-in-the-same-place lives before we make that sort of decision. She wasn't ready. I'm not ready either, if I'm honest. I just want to move to New York and get a new job, really.

I got the call last Sunday: "Alex, I love you so much, but I'm not IN love with you. I'm not attracted to you anymore, I don't feel the butterflies like I used to. I feel you've always been maybe more committed to this relationship than I have. I don't think I can give you what you need. I am breaking up with you. I think we each need to focus on our own happiness. I hope we can be friends sometime."

-------

I was devastated. I cried.

Where the hell do I go from here? Everything in my soul, in my heart and in my mind tells me THIS IS THE GIRL FOR ME. This is the girl that I want to marry. This is the girl I want to be the mother of my kids. I absolutely know that if I can get to New York and get my mojo back to normal, if we can go on dates and rebuild that attraction, if we can just spend time together the way we used to -- we're perfect for each other. We have the same values and goals and friends and we love each other! I also feel that we could make a long distance relationship work until the end of the year, because I'll be less immature about it than I was the last time. I'm in a fundamentally different place from where I was when I was questioning this relationship when Kelly was abroad, from when I was vulnerable to temptation from other girls. I don't have eyes for anyone else anymore. I don't want to go out and pound beers and hit on chicks anymore. Now I know Kelly is the one for me!

But she's broken up with me.

And I can't really afford to risk moving to New York and pay my own rent while I look for jobs.

So I'm going out to New York next weekend to follow up on a couple job leads. My gut tells me to go find Kelly, to see her in person, and tell her exactly how I feel. That I want her back, that I need her back. That it'll be different, that I'll be better. That all I need is to get to New York to be the person she fell in love with again, to start building my life back up. That she gives me exactly what I need and more. Maybe that I can't quit my job on my own, but that I want to take this leap and move in with her in New York City if she'll have me.

But how can I ask to move in with someone who's just dumped me? Should I try to move on instead and only focus on myself, getting the best job wherever possible, even though what I want most is to get Kelly back? Should I use reverse psychology instead, and be aloof and let her see what she's missing? Should I keep looking for jobs in New York and try to move out there and get her back?

Should we meet this weekend? If so, should I just say I want to see her? Should I say I want to talk? Should I take her on a date to try to rebuild our "fun" mentality, or should we have a more serious breakup conversation? Should I try to get closure and say how I feel? Should I just shut up and listen to how she's feeling? I have no idea.

I'm so confused. Help! What would you do in my situation??

[smackie9]

"I got the call last Sunday: "Alex, I love you so much, but I'm not IN love with you. I'm not attracted to you anymore, I don't feel the butterflies like I used to. I feel you've always been maybe more committed to this relationship than I have. I don't think I can give you what you need. I am breaking up with you. I think we each need to focus on our own happiness. I hope we can be friends sometime."

To me this says the typical "it's not you it's me" which really means I don't want to see you anymore because I have met someone else or I want to date other people. The "I hope we can be friends" is the slowly letting you down....to pasify the situation a bit.


It's the typical reaction people have when they get dumped...that they're love must have been misunderstood so you react by wanting to set them straight, but she already knows how you feel, but will not make any difference.......she wants to move on.

[smackie9]

Also to add, her feelings about this didn't just happen over night....this may have been going on for some time and now she has the courage to just say it.

Lets just say you got the shitty end of the break up and well you just need to let go...you need to get on with the grieving process so you can heal...sorry for your loss.

[VincenzoG91]

Think of this as a starter relationship. You got some experience and learned some things about yourself, and you will do better in your next relationship. Be careful with your career plans and don't base them on her. You've got a lot of student loan debt, and New York City is an expensive place to live and work, though it might be safer than Chicago these days.

[TeeJay19]

Based on how things went down I don't think your chances of winning you back are very good. I think what likely happened is that she moved back to New York and started an exciting new life and realized she didn't want to be tied down by a steady boyfriend. If this is the case there's not really anything you can say to change her mind. Just my take on things though.

The best thing for you to do is just move on. Don't contact her, try to stop thinking about her and give her space. She know how you feel so there's no use reminding her, that will just drive her away. If she does want you back she will start to miss you and reach out to you. But like I said before, I wouldn't count on it.

[Esther52]

Thanks for your post.