UPDATE: He's not ready, should I give up?

[Blindsided]

Okay, so a couple weeks ago, I posted [URL="http://www.loveforum.net/threads/65332-He-s-not-ready-Should-I-give-up"]this thread[/URL] about a guy I was seeing who broke up with me unexpectedly because he just got out of a relationship and wasn't ready. Our relationship was promising and I think he was being very honest with me about his feelings.

I've continued to be pretty cool in the situation (we didn't have break up sex, I didn't stalk him, or do the usual girl freak out). A couple weeks ago, I stopped emailing (I wasn't emailing that much anyway and, when I was it was things like, 'you should check out this band, etc', stuff he was receptive to).

Anyway, a week ago, I decided perhaps it was a good idea to recommend therapy to him (I decided privately, even if he came back to me, I would want him to be mentally healthy and ready before I would consider it). I wrote a very nice email and said that I think he is of sound mind, intelligent, etc. which is why I was recommending it: I felt he'd benefit because of those qualities and perhaps it would help him sort his feelings about past failures, old relationships, etc. out. I let him know that time just equals distance, it doesn't equal progress.

I want to be clear that I did not tell him things he should work on or mention anything about us. It was solely for his benefit.

He wrote back and said he was considering therapy as well and asked if I had suggestions, recommendations, etc. (e.g. my encouragement helped). I responded with good information (I've done therapy before) and also mentioned a place he should check out to take some photos (we're both really into photography).

He did both things I recommended (is starting therapy and went to this location to shoot photos) and ended his email 'Thank you for being you', which was surprisingly endearing given our situation.


So, it seems that, although he broke up with me, I may still have some sway in the situation. (Which I am not abusing)


I'm trying to figure out what the right thing to do is here. I've done quite a bit of reading and some sites say, don't talk, other sites say do talk.


So this is what I'm going to do and I'd like your feedback please:

Since he is in a time when he is working on himself personally and emotionally, I figured I would back off completely for a month and check in with him at the beginning of July. As I understand it, he has no plans to date right now. I know that his therapy in some regards will be about me because he felt I was everything he was looking for and yet, he wasn't ready (I think his issues stem from past relationships, getting over his ex, and fear). This really bothered him.

In this time, I'm also taking care of me, as well. Mentally, physically. I'm quite literally about 10 lbs overweight, so I figure now is a good time to lose it (although, I don't think that was an issue before).


Does this sound like a mature, actually feasible way to proceed and lay the groundwork for getting this person back? Neither of us has been hurtful or manipulative in this process and I really think this is a marriage quality relationship that happened before he was ready.

Thoughts?

[smackie9]

You want to wait, then fine. But he is going to have to be the one to initiate contact and ask you about trying again. He already knows how you feel and would jump at the chance to try again, so there is no point in pushing the issue.

[Blindsided]

Hmmm. I hear you.

So, is there anything I can do to produce intrigue or curiosity? I mean, people wonder about their exes periodically, yes?

He had mentioned before we should get together for a concert after a month or two, so I thought I'd reach out about that sometime in July if I didn't hear anything back.

[JamesWS]

Thanks for your post.

[zaccarus]

From a guy's perspective and someone who has done therapy himself in the past I think what you're doing is absolutely amazing - I wish I had received this kind of backing!

It sounds like you totally know how to help him and I so hope that he realises exactly what you have done / are doing to support him as he will be a fool to let you slip away.

I'm not sure you need to generate curiosity in yourself though, he will be thinking about you regardless, especially as you will be mentioned in his sessions.

He should be the one to instigate contact between you but he may not be through being a stupid bloke (we are all like that I'm afraid at times) so you may need to be the one to suggest hooking up at a gig.

Good luck & I hope things work out for you!

[pisces25]

Why are you so desperate to be with this guy? Are you not handling rejection too well?

Personally I think suggesting therapy to him when he broke off the relationship to work on himself is a bit selfish, in terms of you wanting him to be 'fixed' so he can have a relationship with you. Do you have his best interests at heart or are you just trying to do all the right things so he'll come back? What if the therapy works and he decides he wants a relationship with someone else, will you still be happy he has been 'fixed'? I don't disagree that therapy is required in times like this, but to be suggesting it to a guy who made it clear he isn't ready for a relationship is a bit weird IMO. I just don't see how you're doing it purely for his benefit, as clearly you want him back.

[Blindsided]

Why are you so desperate to be with this guy? Are you not handling rejection too well?

Personally I think suggesting therapy to him when he broke off the relationship to work on himself is a bit selfish, in terms of you wanting him to be 'fixed' so he can have a relationship with you. I just don't see how you're doing it purely for his benefit, as clearly you want him back.

You know, sadly, you can't provide all of the background details when you create posts like these, but essentially, this man had a nervous breakdown about this situation a week before we broke up. When I recommended therapy, I did it truly for his benefit as I did not recommend what things he should work on. That's his decision.

From my perspective when you encounter someone who is mentally broken at that moment, recommending therapy is the responsible and healthy thing to do.

I would be selfish if I was contacting him constantly, seeing if he's 'fixed' yet, or pressuring him. I am not. I've made my recommendation, he took it, and now it is his time to work on himself. I am merely wondering if there is the potential for this relationship to have another shot.

Additionally, I don't think I'm being desperate here either. Again, I'm not contacting him, stalking him, doing the "crazy" girl thing. Those are signs of desperation. I'm trying to handle a tricky situation with as much class and elegance as possible.

[Blindsided]

From a guy's perspective and someone who has done therapy himself in the past I think what you're doing is absolutely amazing - I wish I had received this kind of backing!

It sounds like you totally know how to help him and I so hope that he realises exactly what you have done / are doing to support him as he will be a fool to let you slip away.

Zaccarus, thanks for the kind words. As I mentioned in my response above, this situation has been amazingly difficult. I feel like I've been very fair and supportive when appropriate, so it feels nice to have someone acknowledge that.

I've definitely reached a point where I'm backing off so he has the ability to just focus on himself. I had wondered if I'd come up in therapy just because of how confused he feels about our situation. I think it's hard to have countless women make you believe one thing about yourself and then have another one make you feel something else. I think deep down he doesn't feel worthy of the man I see him as.

Simply put, I think he has to learn to love himself before he can love anyone.

And of course, would I like that woman to be me? Certainly. Definitely. A man who went to therapy to figure himself out? Sign me up! But, I also acknowledge and accept that, he may discover himself and that person might not be the same one I met.

At the end of the day, I would be disappointed if we didn't give things another try. The relationship ended for no reason other than us not being ready for that "it" mature relationship. You wait for it, but when it happens, you really have to figure out if you're ready or not.


I'll try to keep you guys posted, but I'm not planning on contacting him for a while, so if you have any other suggestions or recommendations of what I should do at that point, I'd be more than happy to listen to them.

Thanks! ; )

[Wakeup]

I wonder if Zacarius was the one that was dumped? Surely someone who was dumped would appreciate such "help" however I would think that a different spin would be put on it if Zac was the one that did the breaking up.

I agree with Pisces. Leave him alone now. You've led the horse to water now let him decide whether or not to drink. You almost sound like you're plotting and scheming and if you are too obvious, he well certainly start to feel the same way. Last thing he needs is any sort of pressure if he had a nervous break down.