Need advice URGENTLY.

[Soconfused45]

Ok so iv never really posted on this before I'm just at the point where I just don't know what to do, iv had female friends give me The same advice a few times but most don't really get it and I haven't really told them everything.. I just need advice , from someone, anyone.
I am 21 years old. My whole teenage life was filled with depression, one admission to a psyc ward, no father around, my mum was an alcoholic when I was in primary school.. I have been addicted to smoking marijuana since I was 16. I have had relationships with males and females, I have always been very scared of being left by people and I'm not sure why.
I met my current boyfriend about 19 months ago, at the same I was going thru a small stage of doing speed and I had just got my license. When I met him, it was like, we looked onto each others eyes for like 4 hours.. I felt his heart and he could feel mine. I'd never felt anything like that in my life and felt as tho I wanted to Marry him yet all I was doing was looking into his eyes, it was as if he really saw me, it's into my soul. It's sounds completely corny and over the top unless you've experienced it. I thought it might of been drugs, but when I wasn't on it I felt the same. My heart raced looking at him or thinking about him. We both got matching tattoos within about a month or knowing each other. It was young love shit. He lived far away and I used to drive down and visit him.. Everything was great in my eyes.. Then he just stopped calling me, everything just went insanely ****ed up, I didn't know wtf was going on n I found out he had another girl staying with him, but will still saying he loved me. It broke my heart, I was In such a bad place, I just felt so stupid. Like how wrong I could be. N then I was weak and went back to him, we moved in together 6 months later. 2 months later I had a breast reconstruction from having a tumor when I was younger and he cheated on me with another girl from another state and was still msging her until I found out. I left, then, because of the stupid love shit, went back to him, it's like he is too different people. Somedays he loves me and it's all good other days I'm a slut because I used to have male friends, I feel sad and when we fight we just say the most horriblist things, he won't let me talk to any other males in the world, and if I do he just gets so angry and has been physically abusive towards me. It's been 8 months since he cheated on me and I said I'm over it and I do trust him now .. But he just accuses me of having sex with other people behind his back , n that he can't trust me, but he's the one that was unfaithful, we will go days being in love, having sex, talking about our future n our love, n other days we r calling each other cunts and saying that we hate each other... The lease runs out of our house in a month and I just don't know what to do.. He can be the most beautiful person, and then the most evilest. He is addicted to marijuana and smokes everyday, his addicted had caused mine to grow so I smoke just as much as him now.., I need advice from Someone who can relate., I love him, I do. I just wish we could work. I need help. Please respond sorry about the massive essay!!!

[smackie9]

Walk away from this bad lifestyle including him. All you are doing is enabling yourself to stay in this misery, thinking things will get better. You are fooling yourself. You need to pack your sh it up and find a woman's shelter and get drug concounseling. You have to break this cycle and you know it, and you are the only one that can do it...this is your opportunity to straighten out your life. If you don't you will be just throwing it away. Many people who had horrible home life growing up and being addicted to drugs, have risen above it and sought out help. It's dire that you get help.

His behavior is out of guilt. One who is a cheater feels everyone else does it too, and that is what is bringing on his insecurities, I'm sure the drugs contribute to it as well but not all of it. Abusers use manipulation for control and that is what he is doing, controlling you, by pulling you in with sweetness so he can abuse you over and over. The only way to break this cycle is to leave him and never have any contact with him again. You know this and I'm sure your friends are tellling you this as well....learn from this mistake (him) and turn your focus on yourself......learn to love yourself, and all that is good will fall into place. Time to get away from this dark place you have been living in.

[smackie9]

BTW I have been in a abusive relationship, I grew up with a manic alcoholic abusive mother, was doing coke, acid, hash, pot, speed. I walked away and never looked back....never again! So no excuses here.

[Soconfused45]

Thank you for your response. It's really made me think. I just need time to get away from and heal. You don't no how much I appreciate your reply. It hit my heart. My self esteem is just so low I forget this doesn't hv to b my life and that I do deserve better. Thank u

[Soconfused45]

I am starting tafe doing youth work next month n my only other option is to move out to the country and live in a caravan for 12 months till my mum builds a house and I have no way of getting to tafe, I am unemployed and on centrelink due to mental health issues/addiction.. I feel like I'm out of opinions I'm scared of shelters I know I must sound like a sook but I'm really just at the end of rd n am reaching out for help. I know I am 21 but I feel like just a young girl lost

[smackie9]

One day at a time. Do your research. There are women's groups that you can search for in your area or on the net. They can provide you with valuable information, like finding a safe place to live, help you find work, give you medical care. There are religious organizations too that do reach out for people who are in need of support, and couseling. You do have options, you just have to ask the right people.