Is it possible for an ex to still have feelings even though it's over?

[rylege]

My ex and I were very much in love, and I screwed up things and now it has been over for two years. She is 29, European, shy, quiet, very loving, uncertain of herself, below average self-esteem and very emotionally fragile. I am 35, American, very similar to her but more outgoing and average self-esteem.

I attempted recently to purposefully run into her on numerous occasions in the last six months trying to become friends and maybe more if possible, writing her a letter of apology, even confronting her face to face and telling her that she was the only one I ever want to be with, and apologizing for my mistakes, because her friend told me that I should try, all things she responded with great gratitude. However, when I ever ran into her trying to strike up a friendly conversation, her body language is very nervous and fearful. She cannot look me in the eye and her responses are cold, terse and short. Since we work just down the road from each other when I do see her in the car or at the coffee shop (when I was going. Can't go there now!), I try to smile at her and wave and she coldly responds, hesitantly forcing a small smile out.

She did agree to have coffee from time to time, however, she apparently changed her mind and I heard nothing from her. That is when I started showing up at places at the behest of her friend who said I should to try making friendly with her. That went on for about a month until I finally quit trying after asking her to lunch one of the last times I ran into her, and she responded with an email stating that she was grateful for the invite but that she was busy and she had too many problems in her life to solve and she had not energy for me and to stop trying.

I asked her friend what happened, and she said around that same time frame, my ex explained to her that the way I behaved in the breakup was so bad (which is true!) that to see me or even hear from me caused her great emotional stress and that she did not think things were repairable. I also recently found out that the person she is secretly in love with is a married man. I do not believe she knows what the hell she is doing in this affair. She just allowed her self to get involved with the first smooth talker that could meet her very tender emotional situation after the destruction I caused. It won't end well.

Anyway, with all this, do you think she has feelings for me since I seem to illicit an emotional response still? If so is it a combination of anger, lingering love and maybe, as some have suggested, even shame because she is having an affair? It seems that if she really did not care about me, then she would be indifferent, but she clearly is not. I'm just trying to understand the complexities of how women display their emotions and what I can read from that.


Thanks to anyone willing to respond.

[caligirl23]

Ok, here is the thing, she has spelled it out completely that she wants you to stop trying. She is not being indifferent because you work close to each other and there will be random run-ins. It sounds like her heart is with another man, as much as this hurts you. I am sorry! I say stop talking to her friend about it too. Let her sort out her feelings. The more you push, the worse off you will be. No contact at all!! Let her have an opportunity to miss you and think about things when she wants to.

[rylege]

Ok, here is the thing, she has spelled it out completely that she wants you to stop trying. She is not being indifferent because you work close to each other and there will be random run-ins. It sounds like her heart is with another man, as much as this hurts you. I am sorry! I say stop talking to her friend about it too. Let her sort out her feelings. The more you push, the worse off you will be. No contact at all!! Let her have an opportunity to miss you and think about things when she wants to.

Yeah I agree. My female therapist told me from a psychological standpoint, that often times after a serious relationship, the female will frequently quarantine any feelings for someone they truly wanted to be with and who broke their heart because it is the only way for them to move on. I have stopped both things you suggested months ago, and this relationship with a married man right after me is obviously a emotional rebound situation for her as the statistics show they implode and never work. She was easy prey after me, and philanders like him look for that as she is emotionally vulnerable. Sad situation all around. I wish I'd never fallen in love!

[searock]

Look here's the thing: even if all her future relationships don't work out, she will NOT come back to you.

[rylege]

Look here's the thing: even if all her future relationships don't work out, she will NOT come back to you.

I'm not betting on it either! Will she regret her decision though, when she rejected the man she was in love with and wanted to marry come back and take all the blame and basically propose, and then get left in the gutter by this married guy? Who knows!

[searock]

I'm not betting on it either! Will she regret her decision though, when she rejected the man she was in love with and wanted to marry come back and take all the blame and basically propose, and then get left in the gutter by this married guy? Who knows!

...and who cares!!

[caligirl23]

By the time this girl comes around, you will have moved on and will likely not feel the way you do now. That will be the sweetest feeling ever.