Help. I am having my fiances past haunt me daily.

[SourceAvenger]

I am having a terrible problem with my current fiance. This is my first relationship ever I am 21 and I just cannot seem to get over her past. She was feeling guilty about her past and less than a month into the relationship told me pretty much everything in detail that she had done with her ex's. She had done every one of the possible sex acts you can within her past relationships. There has been tons of trust issues within the relationship so far.
First she was talking to her ex who she almost ended up marrying on a daily basis and it was always about our relationship(intimacy, her gynochologist appointments, our fights, etc), family, friends, and all the problems going on in her life. She would go to him for any situation that was upsetting her before me or anyone else. Last summer when we were fighting allot(we both were very stubbourn), she was planning to try and have me meet her ex. I didn't want to so I backed out of the plans and she had still been planning to meet up with her ex over a 1000 miles away from where I was at and spend the day with him where he was staying. I expressed my concern with that and so she canceled the trip.
The other trust issues were she would make promises and always break them, swear up and down that she had told me everything from her past, and promise me that she never did this or that with anyone but me. Almost everyday it was a new detail from her past, broken promise or the things she talked to her ex about.
My views on sex and sexual acts was 50x times stronger and developed than hers due to the difference in our chilldhood upbringing. She viewed sex as something of little or no value other than the pleasure from it, that even if she felt wrong or bad doing something it was fine because "it was just sex". My viewpoint was based on scientific research, religion and logic and was pretty much the following. "Sex joins the mind, heart, body, soul, and spirit of the parties involved and connects you at a permanent level that can never be truly broke.". I also believed in waiting until marriage and saving yourself for your future spouse.
I have done all of the firsts you can in a relationship with her and a few of those things she promised me for a year had never occured with her ex's because she didnt want to do it or whatever. Well I actually believed we had SOMETHING that was only ours and noone elses but she told me a few days ago in detail how each one of those things were done with her ex's.
What kills me is that everyday I think about how much I love her and care about her but her past has been destroying the relationship. Me trying to undo all of my beliefs to try and cope with her past(because I couldn't otherwise), has stressed me to the point where I have been physically sick for 3 months now and been at my mental breaking point this whole time aswell. I have had constant abdominal pain, upset stomach, complicated migranes(headaches with stroke symptoms), and now I have been diagnosed with asthma most likely.
I get extremely detailed visualizations and audioizations that are so detailed they incorporate the thoughts, feelings, sensations, emotions and pleasure of both the parties involved and is so realistic that when they are occuring it feels like she is actually cheating on me in the present even though I know she isn't. These thoughts have now moved into my sleep aswell and now I have constant nightmares about the things shes done and with who.
I feel like nothing we did pysically is special because it will always be shared with her ex's and all of them she had motives behind doing them. The one and only thing I really REALLY thought of as special is the one thing that she had a motive behind relating to me being upset with her ex's.
She has changed so much but at the same time my mind is stuck in the past its like I cannot accept her past and her being with someone else because I love her so much I just cant. I have tried for a year now to block it out, logic it out, alter the viewpoints on it, and just accept it. But no matter what I have done it hasnt worked and my entire mind is constantly overwhelmed with these thoughts I cannot stop them, its reached a point where I feel I have lost control. I had many barriers put in place mentally to stop my deeply rooted anger problem from ever coming into a physical manifestation even if my thoughts are sometimes even scary to me on what I think about doing to people who really hurt my family, myself, or my friends. Most of those barriers are gone and I have almost done things that I would have regretted physically to people due to the barriers being broken by the current situation. I feel like I am at a mental breaking point everyday and one of these days am going to go friggen insane(not joking).
With all of this relationship stress me and her are trying to support my mom who has breast cancer stage 2 and bone cancer, my uncle, myself and her. My uncle is putting pressure constantly on me not to leave her just for the monetary aspect, aswell as trying to convince me my own health would suffer worse because of her 1000$ bed being theraputic to my abdominal pain and knee pain. If we broke up she has said she will take her bed with her and stop helping support my mom and uncle. I am a full time student work almost full time and am the president of some very high up student groups on my college campus. I am on academic probation for dropping too many classes, and am in risk of losing my job due to that. My friends 2 year anniversary of her death happened a month ago and along with all of this my car is breaking down and I owe around 20k in medical bills and law firms have been contacting me threatening legal action. I know all of this stress is feeding into the inability to get over her past and making it harder than it probably needs to be right now.
It’s not that I cannot accept that I cannot change the past or that I cannot accept that everyone makes mistakes its more along the lines of me thinking about how not only does her ex’s all have extremely detailed vivid memories of the pleasurable sexual acts that occurred from the visuals, sounds, feelings, pleasure, sensations, thoughts and emotions. But also that she does aswell and that until the day each one of are all dead then no one will ever be able to forget those details. What worse is I think about how they can aswell as her revisit those memories anytime they want to if all they want to do is think about sexual acts they’ve commited and with those thoughts comes the detailed memories of pleasure, etc that occurred with it.
Me and her both do not want to end the relationship especially since we recognize that the stress of the situation is adding allot of fuel to the fire but also we do recognize the other big factor is all the mistrust she bred within the relationship. Not only did she do all the things I mentioned before but EVERYTIME she got upset with a relationship she resorted to cheating on her partner as a way to get back at them. I never considered it in the past as a future threat but I have started to just because theres so many times she had lied to me, broken promises, or hidden things for extended periods of time.
The relationship has turned into a daily feeling of the worst possible emotional pain you can feel from my perspective being constant with me. I literally have been hurting more than if a close relative like my mother were to pass away. I have broken down crying atleast 10 times this week which is something that I never do, I avoid any crying if and at all possible(ego thing I guess). But I have literally reached a point of depression aswell where suicidal thoughts are becoming more and more common aswell as thoughts of drinking and doing drugs as ways to escape the problem at hand. All of those things I put mental blocks in to never consider them aswell but those blocks are gone and those thoughts have been racing through my thoughts more than I care to admit.
I feel like if I break up with her I will regret the decision 10 years from now allot but at the same time I do not feel like I will EVER get passed the details from her past. I actually looked for someone who would have saved themselves for marriage like I was working on my entire life to fulfill. Because I knew that my partners past would destroy me if it involved another person who she did sexual acts with. It’s not that I haven’t forgiven her or that I just don’t love her enough because I have and I love her more than anything else in the world. But her past has caused me get my beliefs so destroyed while trying to cope with her past that I no longer believe in god almost at all or see a plan in my life :/. My view of sex has been destroyed and thus I don’t even know what to believe on it anymore, after everything that occurred thus far I feel it is almost only a purely physical act no matter how much emotion or love is combined with it.
There is a few situation in particular that make it extremely hard for me to even consider as anywhere near acceptable. Firstly her and her first ex were watching a movie with his mom and younger sister in the living room once in the middle of the day(room is brightly lit). Her ex put his head under the blanket they were covered by and she pulled up her shirt and bra and was fingered and had her breasts stimulated for 15-20 minutes. She was making audible noises, moaning and finally ended up saying something related to her not being able to take it anymore because he is driving her crazy. She said it outloud and the mom looked over many times throughout this process that had been occurring and she knew what was going on between her 17 year old son and my fiancé who at that time was 14 years old(and barely 14 at that). This situation hits me the wrong way in every possible aspect, first of all it wasn’t a private intimate act it was done just feet away from his mom and little sister, it was against the law due to the age of consent laws(which really cover any sexual acts if you think about how its read most the time), and he obviously had no respect for his family to put his mom in that situation and his 10 year old sister.
I feel like my viewpoint of her has changed from this pure, innocent, special person who is the love of my life to her being a used, tainted, promiscuous, adulterous, person who is the love of my life. I do not blame her for the things that she did as she wasn’t raised in the best of situations but that is what makes this so difficult I can fogive the actions and love her even with that past but I cannot seem to be able to imagine me being in a life long marriage with her if I cannot get passed her past sexual escapades.
I understand that part of this is due to me feeling like I didn’t get what I was hoping for in the aspect of my fiancés past, that I am probably insecure somewhere at some level, and that if I love her so much I should be able to get over her past. But what has made this an almost impossible task is the lack of ANY trust with her, the excruitiating level of detail that she told me her past in, and my strong beliefs on sex still being prominent in how I look at her past. Also the idea that I will never share the first experience with any sexual act between me and her. From my end it may be my first time but with her it’s the 2nd-4th person that she has done these things with. And I cannot even be physically attracted to her anymore because all I think about is her body and where not only they kissed and stimulated her but what body parts entered what holes in her body :/. Its like there is NOWHERE on her body that hasn’t been kissed, sucked, groped, fingered or ****ed ;(. I am literraly left with feeling every inch of her body is covered by the things her exs did to her.
What has made this even harder is that all of her past relationships were partionally emotionally but mainly sexually driven and all she cared about was being wanted sexually by men. She would wear extreamely revealing sexy clothing in public to get guys attention, wear extremely revealing and sexual clothing”if any at all” with her ex’s, and has flashed guys she wanted to cheat on there gf with. This alone is hard to deal with because I logic it out as those relationships her viewing more as friends with benfits while she was sexually curious, but our relationship being a more emotional, intimate connection and thus is somehow different. But it doesn’t seem to ever help me at all :/.
I thank you all for taking the time to read my extremely long message and hope you will be able to help out somehow.

[SecondMulligan]

sounds like you already know the answer but are unwilling to accept it

your story kind of reminds of the movie chasing amy

[SourceAvenger]

And thats what has made this last week so difficult I told her how much it upset me a week ago because I couldnt stand just talking about one detail or another I had to let her know huge the problem was on my end. She has spent all week trying to work me through this talking with friends, family, and even my counselor at my college. We do not want to give up the relationship as I have completely fallen for her and on one hand feel like I can't let her down because this is the ONE relationship shes been in where a guy actually cared to make sure she was ready at every stage of the relationship instead of trying to force her to do things she felt bad about doing. This entire relationship minus the past and her lieing issues(which she has been working on), she has stopped talking with her ex and is trying to change everything about herself just to try and get me to love her for the here now and not think about her past. I really do love her with everything in me and 2 months ago I started the process of trying to get her a strong connection with god, get her to follow through with what she feels is right and not what someone wants her to do, and have been helping her work past allot of the things that made her sexually curious and promiscious in the first place. All of that was to help prepare her incase I couldn't get past this to be able to be with someone who she deserves because of how amazing she is. I truly do not want the relationship to end for many factors 1) I love her and do not feel I can live without her because know I will regret letting someone go who was 100% in love with me for who I was and was willing to change everything about theirselves to try and make me as happy as possible, I have never felt so much joy and happiness at times or as much pain and agony as of the last few months. She tries to always be there for me no matter what and is always willing to put herself last to help me. 2) My uncle is putting tons of pressure on me not to end it because hes afraid me, my uncle and my mom will all go homeless since wed lose half the income a month plus the refunds in the future :/. That alone is making it 50x times harder for me to decide. 3) Everything about herself in this moment right now is what I would want in a life long bride but her past has eaten away so much of the relationship in my mind that I cannot be happy anymore no matter how hard I try and I love her more than anything in the world but just cannot figure out how to overcome her past. She has been sort of warning me that she believes if we break up she will return to allot of her old relationship life styles because she will want someone to be able to be there for her through the pain she is feeling from the breakup. It makes it 50x times harder that I am a people pleaser and always look for the least evil. In this situation I have no idea which it is because a week or 6 months from now I could manage to have gotten past her past but instead I could be broken up and never know if I could have gotten past it.

[SecondMulligan]

many young girls do go through the crazy stage of sexual exploration before wanting to settle down. still, many remain whores their entire lives. you can risk staying with her, knowing she may betray and hurt you even worse in the end. or you can end it now and always wonder what if? dont stay in a toxic relationship with the idea of fixing her. you cant fix people. love doesnt conquer all.

[Boisdevie]

I think the OP just has too much time on his hands. How else would you explain his wordy post. Listen mate, just get to the bloody point, we don't want your entire life story.

[SourceAvenger]

I really don't have too much time on my hands im constantly working and busy :/. But SecondMulligan I have considered your advice allot and understand your viewpoint. I have been leaning towards a breakup for awhile now although I haven't wanted to hurt her or the living situation with my family so I havent. But also what makes it hard is she truly is my first love and it hurts so much to consider breaking up :/. I just feel like I can't live without her when I think about it but then I think about how knowing how I am I will always have these thoughts in my head the rest of my life if we stayed together. I know every person has a past and I am fine with that but I am still young enough to find women who still maybe have only done drinking or pot or whatever. Those things don't bother me as much with the past as the more intimate acts a woman can do because I just can't accept she has slept with other men because it hurts too much .

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Break up with her.

[Cerby]

Break up with her.

This is the short version of the post I'm about to make.

4 people? I wish I could be so lucky to find someone with a number that low. Personally, I don't care about people's pasts, but it took some conditioning to feel that way, once upon a time it WAS an issue for me. My long-term gf has an absolute mess of a past, has slept with some of her closest friends, and even her brothers best friend of like 15 years (and her brother has no idea), but I don't let it bother me too much, sometimes it can if I think too hard about it. But in reality, so what if other people have been there? Despite what you're saying about your "values", the real concern to you is that you've only been with her, and she has been with someone other than you. You ARE insecure, and this is what creates this kind of issue.

If you just love her for her and focus on going forward, the past will slip away. Sure your feelings will come up from time to time, but you need to learn to deal with them, or at least find a way to outlet them where it doesn't affect the relationship. If I go to a family event with my gf and her brothers buddy is there, I usually just suck it up, socialize as normal, and then go pound some balls at the driving range after to outlet whatever I've held in.

But based on the length of your post and the fact you appear to see it as everyone elses problem and you're just the emotional punching bag for everything in your life, I don't think you'll be able to learn to deal with it like this. So I think you're going to end up breaking up, just how and when is the question.

When it comes to the money, how did you and her get in a situation where you're paying for your mom AND uncle? I can understand your mom's illness, but what does your uncle do all day? How is he in any way entitled to a portion of your income? And what disability benefits does your mom collect (if any)? You can't rely on a young relationship to carry you through life, and you shouldn't get engaged to someone you have so many problems with.

Find a way out, you won't be happy unless the girl is a virgin, you're too messed up on the inside to be with a girl with any kind of sexual experience.

[Saya]

Why would you get engage when you have so many problems with your fiance?
Also, you are still young and have financial issues so do not get married.

Most likely, you will not get over her past.... I'm not sure how long you two have been together, but if you were to accept her past, you would of accept her past by now, but you haven't yet...

Cerby is right.... most likely, you won't be happy unless the girl is virgin.