Should I continue contacting him? Have I been used? I want him back!

[HomeIsYourArms]

Hello everyone. Nice to meet you all! I feel a little lost and confused: I could do with some advice from someone who isn't a close friend or relative. Any advice will be hugely appreciated and I am more than happy to help others out in return. All I ask is that you be honest! Apologies for the length: Please bear with me!

My ex boyfriend left me at the end of last month. We had been together for three months. Although that isn't a particularly long time, we clicked the moment we met and our relationship became serious fairly quickly. My ex has a record for only being in long-term relationships and having no interest in flings, one night stands etc. so it looked very promising. We were both deeply in love and committed to being together. We both live in England: We do live rather far from one another, but it wasn't difficult to find cheap coach tickets and we saw each other every two weeks or so.

However, we both have depression amongst other issues. We are both seeking counselling for our problems and at first, it never interfered with our relationship. I have security issues but never let them show. I am not a clingy person and am usually good at keeping myself in check. We never argued, I never behaved jealously when he was around other girls (which helped me gradually build up trust in him and vice versa), I didn't pressure him (if anything, he took the lead when it came to our relationship developing into something serious) and I was always patient and supportive. We sent texts to each other very frequently, but I never put him under pressure to reply within any particular time-frame. As far as I know, he was very enthusiastic about having a future with me.

However - although I do not hold this against him - I feel I put more effort into the relationship. I always visited him and paid for the tickets. Since I lived in a horrible environment until recently (I lived in a single room with my father, in a house owned by a drug addict), I would not have wanted him to visit. In addition, he was at the end of his degree and needed to focus on university. However, he never contributed towards tickets (he offered and it never materialised). I proof-read every essay he wrote this year. He has dyslexia, so he struggles with grammar and the like. I bought him a DS as a present for getting through his dissertation, and some other treats last month for finishing his degree (he has never bought anything for me). Following our break-up, I sent him support for an injured part of his body. Some might think that it's insane to send anything to your ex immediately after separating, but I promised I would beforehand and I do not break my promises. I also made a big effort to satisfy him intimately, buying nice lingerie, useful products etc.
In retrospect, he failed to contribute. He sat back and kept taking.

When I give something, I do so without expecting anything in return. While this still stands, I cannot help but wonder if his lack of contribution was perhaps because he was less invested in our relationship? I bought him those gifts to express how proud I was of him and to make him feel special. It wasn't for the purpose of "buying" love.
But...It makes me wonder if I have spent three months being a doormat, doing everything I could to make him happy, and if he just took what he wanted then left. I feel horrible for feeling this way, because I love him to pieces and see him as a genuine man, but these thoughts sneakily invade my mind often. This has happened in previous relationships: Many people have taken advantage of me and played with my feelings. I hate the idea of him being the same, but I can't help but consider the possibility. Are my feelings justified?

He told me he separated from me because he is not ready for a relationship. Yes, I know this is cliche, but what I feel sets him apart is the fact he has a lot to cope with in terms of family issues and his mental health. I believed him. He claimed he could not focus on a relationship while his family is falling apart and that he needs to focus on counselling.

Here is my problem: I fully accept that he needs to focus on himself and his issues. In fact, I told him this myself throughout our relationship. However, I told him that I would never expect him to put me before his issues, and I mean that. Yes, it would have been nice if he made a little more effort, but I never expected anything ridiculous. I simply wanted to love and support him as his girlfriend. That's still all I want: All else can be worked on gradually when our issues have been resolved. I told him everything I felt, but he was adamant that he needed to be alone. I accepted this and offered my full support.
He told me that it had nothing to do with me and that at another time I would have been perfect. He said his love for me would not change, that he doesn't want to lose me completely and that he hopes we could re-look at our relationship when issues have been dealt with.

My thought is this: If I am so "perfect" for him, was it really necessary to end everything? I personally don't believe so. Truthfully, it feels as though he is pushing away all of my love and support. It has left me feeling hopeless.

Since then, I have been left feeling confused. I never followed the "No contact rule", because I worried for his well being: I worried about him so much it made me physically ill.
Initially, for the first few days, I sent him two brief texts daily: I sent one every morning wishing him the best of luck with whatever he was going to face during the day, and one every evening asking how his day went. That seemed to go down well and he kept me updated.

One day, I was joking around with him. We often bullied one another playfully but we both had a great laugh from doing so. However, this time I had offended him. I became very upset over it, apologised and gave him space. He got back in touch a couple of days later and behaved as though nothing happened. Since then though, I took his heightened emotions as a sign that I ought to step back, so I did. Instead of contacting him daily, I contacted him every few days or so and never tried to string out a conversation.

Here is what I am unsure about: In relation to contact, he has only ever initiated contact once since our separation. All other times, I always text him to see how he is. I'm wondering if this means he would rather not talk and whether I should simply stop initiating contact entirely. My biggest fear if I do this is that he will never bother initiating contact again and that we will entirely lose touch.

Additionally, he recently visited a friend he used to date for the first time in a long while. He told me once she had been chasing after him for a long time but that for a couple of years (until he met me), he simply didn't want to be with anyone. However, he seems to be spending quite a bit of time with her now (he spent the night there and I am sure they were together last night as well) and I wonder whether or not he has already moved on. Usually I'm very blunt, but this is a question I have refrained from asking him because it might be too soon and I know it technically is not my business. Plus, if I am wrong I will feel dreadful. Are there any signs I should look out for that indicate he has moved on from me?

A small note also is that I bought him presents for his graduation before we split. And he knows it. Should I still send these to him? He knows I purchased them so it would feel wrong to not send them on the basis of the fact we are no longer together. However, I don't want him to see me as a doormat who will buy him things constantly.

Lastly, do I stand a chance of getting him back? Or is it really a matter of giving it time and seeing what happens? I do not want to interfere with his counselling or family, but I don't feel I ever did so to begin with and wish he would give our relationship another chance. After all, I have as much to deal with in regards to my past, my family etc. but I dealt with my problems maturely enough to not let them ruin out relationship. Is it possible to change his mind without him seeing me as a threat to his personal issues? What should I do next?

I hope someone out there can help me put my mind at rest and advise me. Thank you so much for reading.

[searock]

You really should go no contact. Don't send him the presents, if you can take them back to the shop do so, or else sell them on eBay or something. Do not contact him again, it's pointless and it will prevent you from moving on as you should. Good luck!

[celestina]

He knows I purchased them so it would feel wrong to not send them on the basis of the fact we are no longer together.

Nope, it would not feel wrong not to send them on the basis of the fact you two are no longer together. He wouldn't know what to do with them anyway, and he would just feel bad about it. Give them to a brother or a friend.

My thought is this: If I am so "perfect" for him, was it really necessary to end everything?

Exactly my thought too. If a guy wants to be with a girl and if he loves her, he would find a way to see her.

Anyway, if you know about him spending time with another girl and he has done nothing to hide it from you and he shows no guilt about it, then, he wants you to know that he's moved on.

I know the longing (not personally but I hear about it a lot from my friends who seem to have about the same problem) of wishing that that one was different from all the others, but if he did take too much from you, I am sure he did not intend to, and he did not "use" you.

The problem here is your pattern (that you seem to be repeating in your relationships) : you give too much. You go out of your way to please a guy. While this says a lot about your heart of gold, it doesn't mean you should be giving your all to someone too soon. To give without expecting anything in return is a great quality, but it is something that should be done only with likewise people. You should know that not all people want/like to be spoiled. Sure, they will take if you give, but it's not in their nature to give just as much, and at some point, they will find the generosity tiresome and easy. You please him with sexy lingerie while he gave you NOTHING for God's sake!!! What kind of impression do you think this gives them? I would say not a very smart one. It's like they didn't even really have to do anything to earn anything yet aside from proclaiming themselves as your boyfriend, and they're already super special to your eyes and you want to give them everything! Now I know it's cliché, but guys want a challenge. They don't want a girl who gives them everything... they want a prize that they think they worked hard for.

A girl should never go out of her way for a guy, EVER!!! If anything, it should be the other way around.

My advice to you is : don't give so much (whether it be to friends or boyfriends). You will feel a lot less used. And next time, make sure the person GAVE SOMETHING TO YOU FIRST before you even think about wanting to give them anything.

[celestina]

I think the only way you could have him back, is if you can revert that impression of easiness/naiveness that he has of you... And continuing to contact him so often does not help at all. I'm sorry to say this, but once everything has been given, and the other person chooses to walk away, then I don't know if there is anything you can do to make them stay. I guess he just didn't believe there was more between you two after these three months.

Distance is also, obviously, an issue. Men like simplicity.

Also, I could go on about why abstinence is the way to go (I think this case would've benefited from it), but perhaps, I would be straying...

[HomeIsYourArms]

Searock: Thank you. I will definitely leave him to it and decide not to contact him. Do you think it's best to inform him I'm taking a step back or simply do so without notifying him? I want to cease contact but without him thinking I've left the planet. Thanks for your input so far!

Got a separate reply on its way for you Celestina: Rest assured your advice helped immensely!

[HomeIsYourArms]

Celestina: Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and respond so thoroughly. I appreciate it very much!

In regards to the presents: If he inquires about them, should I inform him that they have been refunded/passed on (depending on what I do with him)? Someone else I spoke to suggested that I could send them and if he asks about them or seems to be uncomfortable, I can tell them it's a platonic gift. Do you feel that is a good idea?

Precisely. I feel that if he loved me as much as he claimed to, he would have made an effort to maintain the relationship, instead of walking away so suddenly and then barely bothering to maintain contact.

He stated last week that he went to see his friend roughly a week ago for the first time in a long time. I know he was with her last night as well as I read it online. However, that's not to say he has been entirely upfront. Rather than jumping to conclusions and getting upset (since regardless of whether or not he is with her, such a rash approach wouldn't help anyone), I simply asked him if he had a good time and whether he's making any future plans. Instead of replying, he became quiet and secretive. I'm not sure if this is an indication that there is something going on between them and he's not comfortable admitting it, or if there is a different explanation. I would have thought that if they were simply friends, he would feel no shame in saying so. I have never had a problem with him having female friends and maintaining friendships with exes while we were together. After all, I have plenty of both male and female friends.

The vast majority of his friends are girls anyhow. He has very few male friends and tends to get along with women better. Perhaps he hasn't moved on at all and the only reason I suspect he has is because he dated this girl previously (combined with the secretive behaviour).

I wouldn't like to think he pushed his luck intentionally: I hope you're right there, but I'm prepared for the possibility. Time will tell. Whatever his true intentions are, chances are they will come to the surface. They always do.

You're right about me giving too much: It's a pattern I have been trying to break for a long time, but with little success. I thought he had a similar nature to me and it I unfortunately did not realise differently until towards the end of the relationship.

The sexy lingerie is new for me: I only developed an interest in it when I began doing corset photo shoots shortly before meeting him.
However, the fact our intimacy developed so quickly probably had a detrimental effect on a long-term basis: We never went "all the way", but usually I wait for much longer before engaging in any kind of sexual contact with someone I fall in love with. With me and him, it happened quite quickly. I let my feelings take control. While I have been in much longer relationships, this one was by far the most intense and I had really invested myself emotionally to a degree I never had previously. It felt like a year long relationship had been crammed into three months. That had a lot of pros, but came with cons as well. I wonder if - for him - the feelings "burned out", *while mine are still going strong.

Thank you: I will learn not to give so much to people. It doesn't just apply to partners, I go out of my way for friends as well. I will learn to keep it in check (and maybe a counsellor will help in that respect as well). I have overcome some very difficult habits, but this one is still among the hardest. Giving everything to others until I feel emotionally and physically drained has been an ongoing problem since my early teens.

I agree the distance probably didn't help: Even though I worked not to make it so problematic, it's not as though we were able to pop around to one another's houses without much planning. We had to plan our meetings at least a week in advance. He said the distance was never an issue, but given his recent behaviour I know better than to take what he says at face value from now on: He's not as honest as I tend to be.

*Unfortunately I feel that I have given all I can, I don't have much left to give. I'm completely drained physically and emotionally. If he doesn't want me now, I can't think of anything I could possibly to do to change that without manipulating him and I'm not someone who would.

Based on your advice and plenty of other's input, I have so far concluded that my best option is to stop contacting him, leave him to it and let events unfold themselves, even if it hurts. Thank you very much again.

[celestina]

In regards to the presents: If he inquires about them, should I inform him that they have been refunded/passed on (depending on what I do with him)? Someone else I spoke to suggested that I could send them and if he asks about them or seems to be uncomfortable, I can tell them it's a platonic gift. Do you feel that is a good idea?

No, it's not! And anyway, he is not entitled to ask about them after he has dumped you! That's senseless, and I don't think he would... You are caring too much for this person to a point where you're forgetting about yourself and your self-pride.

Thank you: I will learn not to give so much to people. It doesn't just apply to partners, I go out of my way for friends as well. I will learn to keep it in check (and maybe a counsellor will help in that respect as well). I have overcome some very difficult habits, but this one is still among the hardest. Giving everything to others until I feel emotionally and physically drained has been an ongoing problem since my early teens.

You can start by not sending him those "platonic gifts" =) You could give them to a relative, or better yet get a refund and treat yourself with something nice =) And then move on to a guy who will know to appreciate all your efforts and attentions and who is just as generous as you are and cares and values you enough to want to spoil you.

[IndiReloaded]

If he asks about the gifts (and it would be rude of him), just tell him you returned them since you are breaking up. Its true and its reasonable. Nothing else need be said on the matter.

[haxan]

I know you wrote a lot, and probably want to read a lot in return, but it's a simple, standard example of someone losing interest. Not sure how many serious relationships you've been in, but no matter how great the initial connection and chemistry, about the 3-5 month mark people either become closer, or one half or sometimes (preferably) both become disinterested and the relationship grinds to a halt. He just lost interest.

Don't try to play too much into it, or blame yourself. It's a normal cycle of how relationships end.

[HomeIsYourArms]

Thanks everyone. I have received so much helpful advice from all of you and many others too. I'm simply going to try my best to stop contacting him. If he cares, he will make an effort. If he doesn't, then I guess we weren't meant to be.