do i say something, or just keep quiet and leave it?

[goodguy100]

Hiya. 1st post. Finally moved to ask people's opinion as I need someone outside of this bubble and I'm sort of stuck because of how much this means to me. I'm sorry this may be long but thanks for bearing with me.

ive known this girl for 5 years since meetin at work. we gradually got close in year 3 and 4...and year 5 has been completely s**t for me. she was away at uni when we got close and although we didnt see each other as often as i would like we spoke and relied upon each other. as things got tough for her at uni and with other issues, in line with her nature she began and kept disappearing off after each time we met. then the next time shed come round and say its where she felt she should be, before disappearing again. shes said many times how amazin i am to her and kept asking me about the future. talks about goin on holiday together to JA. her family and friends all say im attractive/caring etc and ask her what shes messin round at basically, to which she generally says butt out. anyway towards the end of uni she completely disappeared and i let her. she needed to fully concentrate on passing the degree and it was stressful enough without having an unsure relationship to think about. she has regularly said that she doesn't know whats wrong with her and why she cant make a commitment.

so, uni has finished, shes back livin 5 mins from me again and she has a new job. shes still distant though and just doesn't respond to msgs in any sort of decent time for someone you supposedly care about. ive stopped the chasin msgs, and ive realised that i had to try and be the friend again to rebuild anything. too much of what id spoke about was how i missed her and whether she wants to go out somewhere etc... but the friendly thing only is gettin nowhere too. so basically i know its time to move on. its awful, the joint most painful relationship ive had, but i hurt and realise im clinging onto something that actually hasnt been for some time now.

the other day i got in touch cos she didnt respond to a standard friendly msg. it was nice, not aggressive and basically said 'i dont want to lose you out of my life altogether as a result of any pressure u feel and 'us' stressin u. so if friends is what u need to hear then lets do it.' i had an immediate response with her saying similar things to what i said above. then, within 20 mins of my not replyin she rang me with her new number (one i didnt have - altho she still had the old one) and left a msg that was a soft slow voice, reiterating what the msg said that i 'could come round if i want, the offer's still there...if i want, if im not busy.. come and catch up and see me or whatever'. so i went round the next day and altho it was a little strained at first it settled into a closeish thing where after she became a little affectionate she said 'see youve just got to ease me into it'.After i left she sent a msg later that night sayin thanks for comin over and she really enjoyed seeing me'...hope my nanas ok and see me soon. anyway, shes disappeared again completely. i looked back at stuff recently and realised a pattern and that ive dealt with this for over a year, holdin on. it would always have been worth it if it had worked out, but i cant take this into every day as its affecting me now.

so i had a long think the other day about what i could do to make this as easy for her, not hurtful, and also do what is necessary for me. so i ruled out the straight dont speak to me business. i ruled out my waiting any longer for the re-friend route to work, or the wait for her to contact me thing, ive done that before. its either say i think its best we let each other go etc..., or just leave her to do what she wants, not say anything and try and ensure i move on. if i go the say something route id mention things about how i know shes wanted to establish herself on her own, rely on herself and not someone else (shes been hurt) and also how i think the only reason we're still talkin about 'us' is because its been such a big thing so far. whereas really im gettin the vibe that im not as important to her anymore, she doesnt really share things about her life with me any longer and that for her and me its best i say this, move on and not have an ongoing uneasy silence. and maybe something about me not being able to be just a friend, its friend and lover only.

i do need some closure. ive wondered whether im jumping the gun, as shes said lets see now im home again. but i cant take this pattern repeating and shes told me about guys chasin her. i dont want to say this if it will stress her. i know it will hurt and confuse her a little. shell wonder somewhat why shes thrown away something shes said she knows is good for her. do i just say nothing and move on, just let it naturally move on without what is effectively not even an ultimatum but an ultimate decision on my part?

sorry its long guys n girls, and thanks. ive just kept this in for so long and not spoke to anyone about it really (and hopefully she never comes across this!! but im just not sure what to do) Im 26, shes 21.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Drop her altogether. If she wants to see you again, then meet with her, and make a move on her. If she rejects, tell her not to contact you anymore.

[smackie9]

She has a new life as an adult and freedom....she has changed and ready to have new experiences, so just let her be and you stop living in the past...it's long gone.

[goodguy100]

thanks both for reading and commenting. is there some benefit to just being open and coming out with it to just close off this part of our lives in an amicable fashion? i know i need closure, but from her side i know smackie your sayin just let her be. i understand this. but to move forward with respect for each other and without the memory that it was somethin avoided in a negative sense, should i instigate the goodbye chat?

[smackie9]

That is up to you...you looking for closure or is your motivation to get another chance?

[goodguy100]

good question....and its one i asked myself. it will serve as closure IF i dont get another..."aw i dont want u to feel hurt...i just dont wanna make a decision and then go back on it" msg. the thing is now after thinking about it I have the benefit of realising that that uncertainty on her part is not gonna disappear and that she just has to live her life as she wants and feels in the moment.

i know what im like. i cant bear to talk to her after this. and some conciliatory nicety because feelings are involved is gonna be more useless than closure. so my motivation behind this is closure, i know ill get a msg back like the above (but i dont expect anything to work out)...i just want honesty ... to be honest! i want open convo that puts this tension behind (and its not just my tension). i dont feel like 5 years of history should go out on ignorance. i feel whilst theres still some willingness on both sides to talk that we say whats got to be said and be done with it. (of course im concerned with whether im acting out of selfishness...but i know her and dont feel like it will be raising something with someone who couldnt give a flying.... (which ive done before lol and learnt the hard way!)