Staying friens with ex? Please help!

[bee]

Hi everyone,

I am new on this board. I read some of your stories and it's inspiring to read different opinions.

Sadly my relationship of one year ended last weekend.
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me in a way that it doesn't feel like a final break up. Do you think you should stay in contact and friends with your ex if you are hoping for reconcilation? Has anyone had that kind of experience? I thought if you stay friends they will never realise if they really want to be with you or not! He is still coming to visit me next weekend for the Easter holiday. We are in a long-distance relationship. Some of my friends are surprised that he is still coming to see me instead of staying with is family and friens during the Easter holiday. What do you all think about it?

This is our last conversation:

He sent me this email:

just want to ask u something? are u still sure u want me to come to see u
next week? cos i 'm a bit worried for u, i dont know if it's good for u to see
me now. i could understand if u prefer to stay alone without seeing me for a
while to make u forget a bit and be less sad. Cos i know u re sad now and i m
not sure if it can improve the situation if u see me. please tell me the truth
about what u really want? u know if u dont want me to come, it doesnt mean that we wont see later after a while anymore cos i can understand u may need a bit of time to forget and be less sad.Tell me please

have a good day

xxx


I said I would like him to come and whether he still wants? He replied:

yes i will come if u re ok with it! i'm just worried that u could suffer more
if u see me, that's why i 'm asking u that. But yes what we said last week was
true!
xxx

I said to him:

i don't think i will suffer if i see you. i'll be happy to see you. If it was true what we said last week why did you tell me to forget in your email? I thought you told me that you don't want to close the door behind us? I thought we decided that it was taking a break to see how we feel later? xxx

He replied:

i meant to forget about your sadness.I m not closing any door at all but i dont want u to think that we may be together again cos u may wait for me and it wouldnt be very fair for u cos i never said we will be together again for sure. U know i said that cos Helen was in this kind of situation with Paul, she was like waiting for him for 2years and they are finally not together and they may never be together again. so she lost 2years. i dont want to do the same to u, it wouldnt be very fair for u. That's why i prefer to be clear by saying that i dont want to be back with u now and i cant promise u anything for the future. xxx

I said:

I appreciate you are so concerned for me. I thought me and you had a
different relationship to Helen's and the guy. So you prefer I don't wait
and take it as a final break up and not taking a break as we said to each
other? So you were just saying things like we can see 6 months later how we
feel to make me feel better but you knew that it's over completely for you?
Sorry about the questions. xxx

He replied:

of course it was different between us than with Helen's situation cos we
stayed more than one year together which is not Helen's case. but i didnt say that to make u feel better cos that's what i thought. but i never said we will be together again. i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together

xxx

Please help! How should I be with him when he comes?

Bee

[bee]

I am feeling so sad today I have been trying to be strong but it's so hard..

I am so down today so I came here to vent and to ask you for your help please! I haven't contacted him the whole weekend! On Sunday evening I received an email from HIM

He said:

how are u? how was your weekend? As for me i came back home and i spent my weekendresting with my family, no party and no drink! i made sport on saturday, so today i feel quite good!

How was your interview on the phone? I hope u did well! u could have let me know, couldnt u? or u prefer to keep that for yourself now?

good night

xxx

I didn't expect this email to be honest! When I read it I felt he was a little annoyed I didn't let him know. But now that he wanted to break up I feel that I can't just call him like normally... I thought we would not be in contact until he comes this Friday as I said to you he is still coming to spend the Easter with me! Well, the reason why I didn't tell him about my interview because we are broken up so I wasn't just going to call him to tell him about it! He sounds a little annoyed don't you thik? Or was he teasing me? I am not really sure! Anyway, I waited till this morning and I replied trying to sound really upbeat and I said that I had a nice weekend. The interview went well and I am happy I can leave my current job and start a new one! I said to him that I didn't let him know earlier because I din't want to disturb him during the weekend but I said that it's nice of him to ask! I then said I have got to go, I have lots of things to do! Take care and have a nice first spring day! I tried to sound as happy as possible!

he replied and said "Well done! I am happy for you!I am sure you will succeed!"

What do you all think? I am quite confused! Please help! I am not sure what to do or how to be with him! I don't want him to be comfortable with us as "friends"! I still love him!

I have been trying to be strong but I am suddenly feeling so sad I can't stop crying..If I tell him I don't want to be his friend what if I loose him for good! If you read his emails where he says : " i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together " He is saying that if we stop talking there would be not a chance for us

I feel so bad! I feel like I lost him! I feel that my behaviour drove him away... I shouldn't have said to him it's over that weekend! I hurt him badly and he closed himself.. It's breaking my heart thinking that he was telling me he loves me so much and now he said he wants to see what else is out there... I can't take it!

He is coming to see me on Friday! I am still wondering why would he want to do that! I feel he must care a lot because he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holiday with his family and friends.. We are far from each other.. so it's not like a convienience for him.. I just don't understand it! I have been really strong! I have not contacted him! I have not called him to beg for another chance.. I haven't! and I was advised to act happy now! but I worry though that if I sound happy he will think that I am happier now without him than when I was with him.. and he would not want to come back. What do you suggest? But I know if I am miserable he won't come back to me..

He sent me another email this morning asking me if I was well and asking me about this weekend.. telling me that we could go and see a show and asking me if there was anything I wanted to do so we can organise our weekend.. I haven't replied! I am so confused.. I love him and I am sure seeing him this weekend will be hard but I don't want to call it off..

What do you think about the whole thing? I am so sad and confused!

I know that once you break up with someone you want to spend time away from them normally.. but it's not our case.. it's so strange that the break up doens't feel final.. do you think he is really interested only in a friendship?

I want us to be together again? do you think this coming weekend could be a chance for us? But his emails suggest he doesn't want to come back now so why is he still travelling here? I am so confused I am in tears Please help everyone! I need your help! I really appreciate all your help! I am not understanding it all! i am so confused! Should I hope or not?

I really appreciate your help! I am lost... I do not understand it all.. he was telling me just a month ago how much he loves me and then... it's the end

Please help.. what should I do?

[diablo robotico]

Wow, this guy sure is sending you mixed signals eh? I think he's being a little selfish about the whole thing, truthfully. He has this power hold over you, which isn't right.

My opinion, you should take care of yourself, and the best way to do that is to get over him. Which means no contact. Which means he shouldn't visit you this weekend (I can only see disaster there anyway!). I know that's not what you want to do, but you have to stop letting this guy jerk you back and forth like this. You'll go insane. I've just recently been in almost exactly the same situation (actually still going on a little! urgh). So I know what you're going through.

[xplodinjohnno]

Geez, I can see this guy is sending mix feelings towards you. I can fully relate to your situation and see where both parties are coming from. Bee, all i can say is hang in there, Feel strong, be strong. I know how much you must love this guy, but in the end once a break is a break. I'm sorry to tell you this but hanging on to him isnt the best of things. I sort of disagree with Diablo with contacting him, Keep in contact, but only very little contact. Make him relise wat he has lost. With this weekend coming up, dont fall into the trap of feeling that he is still yours. This can really de-rail the friendship you still have. I know it might be hard but keep your distance, so that means keep your hands off him, yeah hug him BUT only a HUG. Dont try to kiss him or make moves on him. I know its hard to resist but you are going to have to try. You have to let us know how it went.
Hope i was of help.

[diablo robotico]

I sort of disagree with Diablo with contacting him, Keep in contact, but only very little contact. Make him relise wat he has lost.

I can see this point of view, and in fact, I've done that before (kinda doing it right now, but I digress). It really depends on how strong a person is, though. If you're liable to get hurt, and you don't want to be hurt anymore, then no contact is the best way to go.

The other thing is, if he really thinks it's the best thing to remain broken up, he won't realize what he's lost. He's got his mind made up already. This guy kinda wants his cake and to eat it too. He's messing with bee's mind. She needs to take control again. That's why I prescribe no contact. Because bee needs to take care of herself, and she's a mess about this.

[bee]

Hi everyone,

THANKS so much for your support and your different opinions! It helps me tremendously! I had to come here because after speaking to my friend I feel so bad

If you read my first story "Is there a chance? Please help" plus this thread you know that I am still hoping for a relationship with my boyfriend and he is coming to see me this Friday...

I had to come here to vent and to ask you for advice.. I spoke to a friend of mine and told him about my situation and he said that I was definitely suffocating my bf and was TOO needy and taking up too much of his time and attention. I was also way too emotional and even unpredictable, creating fights and crying and throwing tantrums until he finally felt forced and gave in to visit you in December even though it was inconvenient with his new job, dissertation, move etc. during that time.

that I was always threatening to him, either he sees me or else there's a fight...moving things into what I call a serious relationship but he thinks a selfish relationship where I only cared about my needs getting met and not giving him the space and time he needed to himself.

And during my visit to him while we were both taking a walk, and I was bugging him so he says he wished I hadn't come - again throwing a tantrum and instead of talking about why he felt that way, my response is to say I don't need him and I'll go!! He said I was so immature and I am the older one... On my previous trip when he is trying to talk to me about our relationship, I initiate a break up, hurting him deeply and making him cry, again like a childish, selfish, knee-jerk response that hurts him, confuses and bothers him, instead of like an adult talking out the situation. I make him to be this bad guy whenever he opens his mouth to complain that I am being needy, among other things...

He said surely he was surprised at how understanding I was in response to him saying that he would like space and be apart so that he can see other women and experience other relationships. How would I feel if I told him that I'd like to see other guys and he responded like that is absolutely fine with him? Being the sensitive person I describe him to be, he probably got upset that I was not troubled by this proposal.

He said that I send too many mixed signals that are extreme - from extreme neediness, to extreme indifference and hurtful actions like telling him I want to break up, then when I make him CRY and feel so hurt, say I didn't mean it! My friend said "Wow, I can't believe he has been putting up with this cra* for so long."

I feel gutted after talking to my friend! I feel like I must have been the worst girlfriend for him and I must have hurt him and I must have made the relationship so hard for him! I feel so sad and upset! It's my fault everything! I lost him! No wonder he wants to see other girls! He doesn't deserve me! I miss him and I love him! And now he is coming this weekend.. I can't even look into his eyes I feel so bad!

Bee

PS I'll tell a little bit more about our relationship in the next thread so you know what is this all about.. I do appreciate your help! I really do! I am so desparate

[bee]

I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I can become really needy and dependant and he is quite an independant person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. I think he wanted to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. He tried as much as he could to fulfill me but I was still pushing for more. When we broke up the first time we were still meeting each other but it was too hurtful for me because I was hoping he would change his mind. I decided after about a month or so to end it all with him. I walked out on him because it hurt too much! He was doing everything to win me back. I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I said yes. This was last year in September. We were doing much better but there were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot.

In October he had to go back to his country so our relationship became long-distance. he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy because of the distance but we were trying. With his new job he became quite busy so I felt neglected and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. I was aware that my dependance on him is driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thining of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! We spent a really nice week in his country! It was hard to leave again! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. My parents liked him so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept asking him if he is going to come to see me and he kept saying that had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him! he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention all the time so much! Well the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. After all he was there for me a lot and he was really protective of me! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! He kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other. We talked about me moving closer to him so we could see each other more often.

I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came to pick me from the airport, he was rushing from work to get me and he brought me the most beautiful flower! It was our first year anniversary! he had my photos near his bed and he was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! We had to wait one month and a half! However, on Saturday he was feeling tired and he was not in the best mood. He works quite long hours. However, i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other often! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row that evening and it was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him! He said that something has to happen soon otherwise it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you! He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard but when he saw me being so indifferent about it, he started to cry! When I saw that I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me and he kept crying! I tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted becasue I was worried he wants to stop our relationship. Since then he had been really distant with me. He was not the same anymore. He changed. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. I felt really bad! I felt devastated! I decided to book a weekend to go and see him. This was a couple of weeks ago. He said to me that if I was coming to see him to bother him and to fight with him, I should stay at home but if I went to see him to have a good time I am welcome to see him. So I decided to go.

I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me not to go that he needed space from me to feel better but I diddn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! There was this gap and this distance between us. On Saturday we had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but he said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and when we met he said "It's over"
!! He was so upset! He said Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it! I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each otehr and he said he is sorry but he said he is not feeling good about his life at the moment and he can't give me what I need.

this is our open talk:

He said it wasn't easy for him as well as for me but he said it's best for both of us. At first I was really upset. I said to him he betrayed me and so on.. He was quite upset but then when we calmed down and he hugged me. I was crying so much. He said he wanted to be completely honest with me but he hasn't been feeling good about us for a while. he said he hasn't had enough experience in his life and he realised he needed to experience more. He said he knew I wanted more out of the relatioship and he said he is afraid of commitment. He said he knew I wanted to be more serious but he can't give me the stability now. he has just started his job after his studies and he said he is not really sure about his own life. that he is not happy with his own life so he can't love and he can't give me what I deserve. He said he is that kind of person, who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has and always looking for something else out there. It's horrible to think I made him feel like this... He said that he really likes me a lot but he wants to be sure I am the girl for him by seeing what else is out there. He said he might be making a mistake but he said even if we kept going he would be always tempted. He said he has never been unfaithful and he has never tried anything with another girl but he said now he wants to still experience what other girls are like. He said he only had 2 relationships in his life He says he is too young to be serious like I wish to be and he said he is aware that most of our problems were stemming from that.

I was so sad to hear that but I knew I can't force him and I said I understand he needs to experience more. I said that I actually agree with the idea of experiencing a lot before finding the one.. He was grateful for my understanding. I said I feel like I have damaged this relationship by being too needy and too demanding and I felt like I lost him. He said that it's true that he didn't feel free enough. he took me for a dinner and we talked really openly about everything. he kept asking me if he will loose me. We agreed not to break up completely where we cut all contacts. We agreed that we will "take a break". He said maybe we will be back together but now he wants to be on his own and have his freedom. He said that of course if I find someone else he will not be happy and he will probably regret his decision but he said he wants me to be happy! He said "maybe I will realised that being on my own is not a good idea and I will want to be with you again but it might be too late and that's the risk I am taking". He said he doesn't want to completely close the door behind us. This morning I was leaving he said he was sad. He said he still wants us to be in contact and he is still there for me.

Sorry about the lenght! I had to explain it all to you! THANKS for your help!
I am so lost.. My friend said he has made up all these excuses so I didn't become emotional again

Bee

[mhussain]

bee,
take ur time. repeat TAKE UR TIME. he who breaks up with u and then sendsu mixed signals is a worthy associate of lucifer himself. so watch out. for u r sake i hope i am wrong and that u two get together and are happy for ever and after

Hussain

[bee]

Well as my friend told me he had reasons to break up with me.. I was so bad for him.. I feel so down.. he had to put up with a lot.. and he is still travelling to come and see me.. i can't hope for anything He is going to meet a girl who will show him what love is.. it's the worst feeling when you love someone but you are not able to show them.. I failed! I lost him

[diablo robotico]

Okay, it's obvious from your story that there's enough blame to go around for both people. But, ultimately here, please don't take your friend's assessment as the total truth. He's making assumptions based on his observations, but he doesn't know what your ex really thinks, right? You're mind is going 100 miles an hour, so I think you really need to sit back and relax a little. Regardless of how things turn out, you have to look toward your own peace of mind.

[mhussain]

bee, stop blaming urself. this guys is a genius man, he leaves u in such a way that makes u think that u made him leave. wow, does he give tutions on this art?

in case u didnt get it, iam being SARCASTIC . get it now?

stop , think, leave

hussain

[bee]

Hello everyone!

You can't imagine how much your advice means to me!! Thank you!!! Thank you!! Tomorrow is the day D!

I feel that even people who are close to me are not here right now! I guess that's why I come here every day because I am so happy to receive your help! I think I should't worry about sleeping with him because he was the one who actually said it that we shouldn't be intimate with each other now because he says he doesn't want to hurt my feelings... he says he knows that making love for me means that I am seriuos about the guy.. he says that he doesn't want to make the same mistake with me as he did with his ex. Appareantly she always begged him to sleep with her and was telling him she was ok with that but he knew she was doing it in order to change his mind about her.. he said he kind of lost repsect for her!

I am naturally not an independant woman when it comes to relationships.. but I guess I have got to act independent of him.. and I must not go needy and desparate on him! It's going to be pretty hard but I guess I must do that! I wonder if I do that what is he going to think? I worry a little that he might that I don't care after all.. but I think if I go needy on him it would push him away! It's really strange to think that he is actually coming here tomorrow! we are going to see a musical on Saturday night! We both agreed to go and see it and I think it's good because I won't have the need all the time to ask him about us! I guess some of you might suggest that I shouldn't ask him about us or should I? I spoke to a very good friend of mine yesterday ( i really need to talk it out as you all see) it helps! anyway, she said that maybe i could ask him like on sunday how he feels about us? As Petey45 said! What do you think! I mean in a way if he spends the weekend with me and I won't ask him.. I will be probably still wondering after he will be back home! But then I worry he might feel pressured to talk about us again! What if he says that he has made up his mind.. how do I react to that? What do I say? I can't be his friend..I am not good with ex's! I an not friends with any of them because it's hard for me! but it's true I don't want to loose this one completely!

He has just sent me an email asking me if I could sing in msn tonight so we could talk about tomorrow evening! I haven't been on msn since it happened because I didn't want him to think I was online waiting for him.. I was scared that if I am online he might not say anything. I have not sent him one email, one message.. I have not made one phone call.. It's strange but I thought it's better not to! I woud end up asking him about us and I would end up probably needy on him.. I didn't want to do that.. but I am not sure when I meet him tomorrow how to be with him! Friendly but distant? I don't want to be cold! you see I worry about small details.. I don't know whether to show him my sadness but you all seem to sugget I shouldn't.. but then I think honesty is important and the way I feel!

He asked me in his email how I am doing and if I am ready for tomorrow?? What does it mean? ready? what do I answer to that? i know I am probably reading into it too much but I don't really know whether to sound really excited he is coming here.. I just don't know!

It's scary!!

Do you think I should ask him if he has been seeing anyone else or if he has met anyone else or if he likes anyone else? I guess I am really curious about that! and what if he asks me the same? It's so hard to know what to say or what not to say and how to be and how not to be....?? I still love him!

bee

[bee]

I have just finished talking to him on msn.. i was trying to keep it friendly.. we were talking about general things and TOMORROW.. he made a comment about my new job and he said "you are going to meet new guys" and he put a smilie that cries.. I said "maybe. you don't want me so..." and he said that's not very nice to hear and then he changed the subject! I managed to get off the msn first.. I said "ok so see you tomorrow! I have got to go now! Have a good evening!" I hope I have done the right things! I am so worried about tomorrow though..

Bee

[diablo robotico]

I wish you the best of luck over the holiday bee. You're gonna need it. Try to avoid that kinda subject. Never bring it up first, and if he brings it up, change the subject fast!!

[angelbaby011604]

my boyfriend and i are still going through this so maybe i shouldn't try and give advice...
BUT
we sadly broke up a little over a year dating for a week or two, we talked all the time, kissed, "i love you" "i need you" and finally got back together. now we've been together almost two years and about 3 months ago he and i broke up agian... same thing, right now we're friends but we are so much more... it's kinda like we're dating but we don't have a lable... and it's like a constant battle to be together (for me) and a million excuses (for him).... i feel as if maybe i cant take it anymore and you may too....