crushed by sexual past

[berryb]

hello everybody,

I am struggling a lot with this that has happened to me recently. I am a 23 year old man, and I have been with my boyfriend for over 6 months now. It has been a overall good relationship, apart from some fights in the last two months, which we apparently have resolved. In the beginning, we were discussing our pasts casually and discretely. In the beginning, I informed him I have never had a serious relationship before, and he told me he had been with his ex for 3 years but that they had broken up one year before we met. I was very impressed by this. About three months after that, one night while casually talking about our previous sexual partners, I told him I had never had full intercourse but that I had fooled around with about 5 men, and he told me he had been with around 8 men, not specifying how far he had gone. I reckon this number of past partners is rather very low for a homosexual 22 year old in a big city like the one we live in. He informed it was like that because he kept having problems with his ex which cause an on-off scenario at various points. Around this time, I also found out that his relationship had not ended a year before we began, but around 5-6 months before. I got upset and asked him to get immediately tested for all possible STD's. All his results came negative so we carried on.

Last week, however, while talking about previous experiences, I confessed that I had in the past gotten drunk and done stuff like oral sex with guys I met at clubs (always, however, at least acquaintances or guys my friends knew). He hesitated for a bit and then he told me that his worse experience was the following: Once he had broken up and he went to a club with some friends. His friends left and he was alone and drunk, and he began making out with a guy. The guy told him "tonight it's either me and my friend, or nothing" pointing at another man. My boyfriend told me he was so desperate at the moment that he went for it, and had protected sex with one of them while the other one watched. I was already horrified by this story and then he told me that later he realized the one he had sex with was in the porn industry. I was absolutely crushed and he immediately apologized for having told me this. It is obviously nothing he was proud of. I felt so humiliated by this story that I am struggling severely with my feelings. I have lost a lot of respect for him because of this story, and I feel absolutely heart broken by the fact that he once went through this. It is true that it can happen to anyone (it could have happened to me in certain scenarios...). It is a relief his tests came all negative a while back, but I cannot get over this. I have spoken to several people and they tell me that it is not for me to worry, as it was before we had met, and that I cannot judge actions like this.

What should I do? He is presently not in my city for a month, and I am afraid of the feelings I am having. I keep having nightmares about the scenario. I know my boyfriend is a good guy with good intentions, he does not come off as sketchy and he is very centered in his studies and life. I think it is extremely unfortunate he had to go through that, but on my side, my feelings are killing me.

I would really appreciate any advise! Thank you!

[surfhb]

Get over yourself or break up with guy.....he deserves better

[berryb]

..what does this mean?

[Boisdevie]

What happened in the past is the past. It has been and gone and it should have no effect on your relationship with him now. If you can't forget his past then your relationship will not last.

[berryb]

It is true, I do feel I am using a double standard, which is unfair to him. However, the nature of the story is what concerns me. Luckily nothing happened, and it is worthless to cry over spilled milk. But my point is that what he did was foolish. I am no one to preach but going home while drunk with two strangers is just not okay. Even more, while drunk, he might thought he was protected but he could not be sure. He could have been raped, or God forbid, contracted any serious disease (HIV as an example). This is why I am so troubled.

[Boisdevie]

Most of us have done stupid stuff IN THE PAST. We can't change that. All we can do is move on and try to be smarter in future. Being 'troubled' by the past is a useless emotion.

[oldskool83]

i dont get why people are crushed...your real issue if your jelous sum1 else had more partners then you. what does it matter? it doesnt. those people are not in the present, you are in the present. its the same if some make more then you it bothers you because you let it.

in the future you dont need to talk about how many people humped who and when and ware. grow up.

[berryb]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have been going through similar threads as well and I have found it very helpful. By the way, is it possible to delete this thread all together? I would appreciate if it would no longer be in this forum.

[searock]

Yes, you can click ok "thread tools" on your first post on this thread and then "delete".

[edit: wait, cancel that, it doesn't seem to be working right now..? Hope they fix it soon...]

I would also like to add that you have nothing to be concerned about, thankfully he didn't get any STD so no harm done. What happened is in the past, you should focus on the present and make plans for the future. :-)